Tonya Ingram - An Open Letter to My Depression lyrics

Dear Depression, We go way back. I remember the first time I met you; I was seven years old, A pig-tailed lover of books, Teased for the sneakers my mother could barely afford. The second time I met you was at a house party, Where a stranger packed himself into my mouth. It was the first time I understand the word ugly. We met again when I learned I had Lupus And found out my body now belonged to an incurable disease, and again, when I was sad for the 49th day in a row. I begged you to go away but you would not leave. You, depression, are my childhood friend, The midnight voices in my head, a slick tongue. You pretend to have the answers, But loving you got me sick, Got me suicide watched, Got me blue happy pills. "Find the nearest ledge," you say. "Walk out," you say. "Suspend," you say. "Wouldn't I be happier dead?" Yesterday, I cried enough to name myself The Sad Girl, again. Lonely has developed an authority Where my thoughts are family; Always fussing about the wrong I have done, About the pretty I burned. What I learn of sadness is from you. You tell me boys won't love me, But a fasten rope can. You tell me lupus is incurable, Can't have seven children, Can't be hospitalized three times in one year, And call that healing. You, a contradiction, a house of lies. Sickness can do that. It can lie, it can claw. My sadness will not cease, it will not quiet, And I am afraid to die. I am afraid to die. Depression is a house of teeth. It will write you into a story without rest. It will kin you, Comb your mouth into a beautiful haunting And name it a vacant wilderness, But dare yourself, extraordinary human, To run into joy screaming: "You cannot have me. You cannot have me." I am not my past, I am worthy of love. I am worthy. I am forgiving myself for not being strong enough to believe in myself. I can tell you I do not know who my father is. I can tell you a best friends father molested me. I can tell you the number of men I let crawl into my body, but I would rather tell you I am letting go. I am letting failure go. I am letting loneliness go. I will not give up, you will not silence me. Sincerely, Tanya.