TJ Miller - T.J. Miller lyrics

I'm like Pepsi I'm always second best Like Melissa Etheridge I'm usually in a vest I'm like Home Depot If I can't flow There's Hispanics out front Ready to go I'm like Southwest You're free to move around But the only place I'm goin' is D-Town I'm like Mr. Clean I appear out of nowhere Jeffrey Tambor downtown Subtle, no hair I'm like FEMA I always come late I'm like Puerto Rico I'm not really a state I'm like Donald Duck You can't understand a word I'm dangerous and friendly to kids Call me Notorious B.I.G Bird I'm like Maury Povich I make a living off exploitation I'm like Cubans Sometimes I mix myself up with Haitians I'm like Sarah Palin I'm the scum of the Earth I'm like Jaden Smith I was set since birth I'm like my mom's friend Allison Galansky When I have dinner parties I don't invite me I'm like Dave Matthews My fans are all tools I'm like cricket y'all I don't quite understand the rules I'm like an overweight advice columnist/hunter-director of photography I shot 'Dear Flabby' (It was a documentary, it actually won Best Picture at Thundance and South By Northeast. We submitted to Cannies, but it didn't take.) I'm like a claw-machine You usually don't win I'm like that all that's evil and not real You can call me sin I'm like a clown without makeup Still kinda scary I'm like a Scrabble dictionary Cause I'm useless But with a great vocabulary I'm confusing Like when a girl named "Mary" gets married I'm like Gary Coleman It didn't end up so great I'm like p**nography I use me to masturbate Flight attendant to ya phone I'll get ya turned off I'm like a creepy doctor Don't turn your head when you cough I'm like a bu*terface Cause I have margarine on my face I'm like China in a bull shop I'm still outta place I'm like cryogenics No one really knows exactly what I am or if it extends one's own life It's probably just science fiction to help people stave off their fear of mortality you know? I'm like that I'm like Krevin Harbu*ton No one's ever heard of me I'm an annoying phenomenon I'm like 'Glee' I'm like LA Cause I take my time to crush your soul I'm like New York City I'm already full I'm like Richard Nixon Except I'm a crook Like a blind person with audiotapes I don't do it by the book! I'm like King Kong Cause I sweat a lot I mean nobody ever talks about it, but he probably sweats a lot I'm like Q-tip I didn't make it f**in' rhyme for real But yo technically I'm not made of steel I'm mostly water I'm mostly water I'm like Cali Swag I'm a one hit wonder I'm like a cold hit without ma** appeal I'm 'Six Feet Under' I'm like gla**es Since July I've been out of fashion I'm the cultural elite I'm the last intellectual bastion I'm like Elvis Presley Cause I stole that sh** I'm like Charlie Parker Cause I'm that 'Bird' sh** Yo, riffin's in my blood And it's not about to clot Improvise like the Sun All important and f**in' hot I'm like a flasher in the cold I always wear two coats I'm like Angela Lansbury I wrote 'Murder She Wrote' I'm like 'Mrs. Doubtfire' I look good in a wig I'm like that farmer from 'Babe' That'll do pig