Tim Minchin - If You Really Loved Me lyrics

If you really loved me the way you say you do If you love me half as much as I love you You would pluck a planet from the sky You would use a falling star to dot the "I" In "I love you", that is what you'd do You'd take a dreary day and you would paint it blue If you loved me unconditionally These are the things that you would do for me Because I need you Like a fish needs the sea Like a fire needs oxygen Like a flower needs a bee And if you really cared for me You'd let me video you while you wee Standing up in the bath, I shouldn't even have to ask Perhaps you'll even store a little more in a flask These are just the things that people do When their love for one another is true Ba Doo doo We go together Like a toast and pate Like racism and ignorance Like Jews and hogmanay But if you really want to show you care You'd let me wear your underwear When we visit your mom, it's a bit of harmless fun I just like talking about your childhood with lace between my buns There's no reason for a big to-do If your love for one-another is true Ba Doo doo We go together Like a bird and a nest Like Internet and [kiddie] p**n Like guns and the US And if you love me like you say you do You'd purchase forty co*katoos And teach them to fly in formation in the sky And sh** the words "Tim is God" on my ex-girlfriend's Hyundai Sure, it might be easier with doves But shirking challenges is not what love's all about Love is not all wine and roses Sometimes it's handcuffs and cheese No one said love is for free And if you agree with that You'll sing me pa**ages from the Koran wearing nothing but your Bob the Builder hat To the tune of waltzing Matilda I just love the combination of Islam, nationalism and Bob the f**ing builder (piano solo) Because I need you Like a tick needs a tock Like bananas need pajamas Like a nun needs co*k And if you want to put your love for me first You wouldn't go through childbirth You'd agree to adopt so that you could stay thin (pause) We'll get a Chinese kid, it could teach us Mandarin And Communists don't make as much noise And they're really good at sharing their toys Because I dig you Like an Aussie digs pies Like Born Agains dig Jesus Like Jesus dug guys And if you love me just a modicum You'd softly rub my perineum And stick your finger up my bum As I'm about to cum I've heard that it's quite acceptable and surprisingly fun Not that I'm saying that I'd want you to But hypothetically it's something, it is somthing you might do If you loved me unconditionally Like letting me video you while you wee Assuming there's nothing worth watching on TV note: In "clean" version he uses "bling" instead of "n******gs" and does not say "kiddie p**n" but rather just "p**n." Also, in some version instead of saying "nothing worth watching on TV" he says "nothing worth watching on ABC"