Tim Minchin - Ten Foot Cock and a Few Hundred Virgins lyrics

(Speaking) If you're a religious person You might wanna pop out for about five minutes This is a song about, um, an*l s** and god It's called 'Ten Foot co*k and a Few Hundred Virgins' [Intro] So you're gonna live in paradise With a ten foot co*k and a few hundred virgins? [Chorus] So you're gonna live in paradise With a ten foot co*k and a few hundred virgins? So you're gonna sacrifice your life For a ride on a UFO? And when the Lord comes down In his shimmering chariot of salvation You're gonna be the first to know? Oh... [Verse 1] And so if God was there from the very beginning He invented men and women Then he also invented wa*king Then he said wa*king was sinning So I know if I'm feeling randy I'm not allowed to hand-shandy But having s** with my family? That is just f**ing great It's all there in Ezekiel 8 And just before he opens his big pearly gate And says that it's a sin To take it up the date Even if it's great Even with your cowboy mate Ba da ba da, ba da ba da Da da da da dadn dadn day day oh [Chorus] So you're gonna live in paradise With a ten foot co*k and a few hundred virgins? So you're gonna sacrifice your life For a shot at the greener gra**? And when the Lord comes down With his shiny rod of judgment He's gonna kick my heathen arse? Oh... [Verse 2] So if you Cover the bodies of your women Everybody is grinning Because black is so slimming Though it's not great for swimming But it gives you an erection With the increased s**ual tension What with the UV protection That is second to none You'll find it all in the Qu'ran Just next to the bit that justifies guns And says that it's a sin To take it up the bum Even if it's fun Even with permission from your mum Ba da ba da, ba da ba da Da da da da dadn dadn day day oh [Chorus] So you're gonna live in paradise With a ten foot co*k and a few hundred virgins? So you're gonna sacrifice your life For a shot at eternity? And when the Lord comes down And I haven't done my penance He's gonna disembowel me? Oh... [Verse 3] You say that If I Stumbled on a watch, I'd a**ume it had a watchmaker That a muffin presupposes a baker So we must agree sooner or later That this proves there's a creator So if I put my foot in a stinker You'd a**ume the existence of a sphincter Thus you don't need to be a great thinker To conclude that God's a bum Which negates the words of Genesis 1 Which made him out to be so much fun Until Adam succumbed to temptation And then His only son Got nailed to a gum (Or the Middle Eastern equivalent) Which suggests that God's omniscience Is nullified by his ambivalence Unless it turns out that he's impotent And if God can't get a bo*er I guess that explains the plethora Of huge erections in his honour Because we all know a steeple Is just a subconscious compensatory manifestation Of a huge stiff penis And still he tells us that it's heinous To stick a penis up your an*s Even if you're famous Even if you're good at tennis Ba da ba da, ba da ba da Da da da da dadn dadn day day oh [Chorus] So you're gonna live in paradise With a ten foot co*k and a few hundred virgins? So you're gonna sacrifice your life For a ride on a UFO? And when the Lord comes down With his big, stiff, slippery rod of judgment I'm gonna be the first to go? He's gonna send me down below? He's gonna whip me like a ho? D'ya really think so? I'm gonna be the first to go