Tim Minchin - Ten Foot Cock & a Few Hundred Virgins lyrics

So you're gonna live in Paradise With a ten-foot co*k and a few hundred virgins So you're gonna live in Paradise With a ten-foot co*k and a few hundred virgins So you're gonna sacrifice your life For a ride on a UFO And when the Lord comes down With his shimmering chariot of salvation You're gonna be the first to know And so if... God was there from the very beginning He invented men and women Then He also invented wa*king Then He said wa*king was sinning So if I'm feeling randy I'm not allowed to hand-shandy But having s** with my family That is just f**ing great It's all there in Ezekiel 8 And just before He opens up His big pearly gate And says that it's a sin To take it up the date Even if it's great Even with your cowboy mate So you're gonna live in Paradise With a ten-foot co*k and few hundred virgins So you're gonna sacrifice your life For a shot at the greener gra** And when the Lord comes down With his shiny rod of judgment He's gonna kick my heathen arse So if you... Cover the bodies of your women Everybody is grinning Because black is so slimming Though it's not great for swimming But it gives you an erection With the increased s**ual tension What with the UV protection That is second to none You'll find it all in the Quran Just next to the bit that justifies guns And says that it's a sin To take it up the bum Even if it's fun Even with permission from your mum So you're gonna live in Paradise With a ten-foot co*k and a few hundred virgins So you're gonna sacrifice your life For a shot at eternity And when the Lord comes down And I haven't done my penance He's gonna disembowel me You say that... if I... Stumbled on a watch I'd a**ume it had a watchmaker That a muffin presupposes a baker So you must agree sooner or later That this proves that there's a creator So if I put my foot in a stinker You'd a**ume the existence of a sphincter Thus you don't need to be a great thinker To conclude that God's a bum Which negates the words of Genesis 1 Which made Him out to be so much fun Until Adam succumbed to temptation And then His only son got nailed to a gum Or the Middle-Eastern equivalent Which suggests that God's omniscience Is nullified by His ambivalence Unless it turns out that He's impotent And if God can't get a bo*er I guess that explains the plethora Of huge erections in His honour Because we all know a steeple's just a subconscious compensatory manifestation of a huge stiff penis And still He tells us that it's heinous To stick a penis up your an*s Even if you're famous Even if you're good at tennis So you're gonna live in Paradise With a ten-foot co*k and a few hundred virgins So you're gonna sacrifice your life For a ride on a UFO And when the Lord comes down With his big stiff slippery rod of judgment... I'm gonna be the first to go He's gonna send me down below He's gonna whip me like a little ho Do you really think so? I'm gonna be the first to go