Tim Minchin - Five Poofs and Two Pianos lyrics

[Intro] Obviously I don't want to infer that being invited onto Friday night with Wossy isn't wonderfully affirming And I know I oughta Appreciate the risk you took the bookers who agreed to book a chap who tends to talk about the kind of things that get the BBC In hot water And I don't wanna seem greedy I'm just saying I'd like to be here every week if that's okay And if you'll hear me out I think I've got a way in which we could do it pretty easily You can leave all the boring details to me It's a brilliant idea, a truly original concept No one in Britain has ever done anything like it, yeah Picture this! Imagine if we had [Chorus] Five poofs and two pianos Yeah! It's a wicked idea Why settle for a quartet of queers When there's a possibility of a penta-poofter-piano-possey here Five poofs and two pianos Yeah! It'll be ace A hundred percent more pianos And twenty-five percent more gays [Verse 1] I know, I know I've seen the problem too There's a rumour I am straight it's true It hurts to admit it, but I'm about as bent As Wossy himself, or Fiddy Cent But I've already thought it through You know there's preachers in America who reckon they can do Sexuality conversions, I've heard them a**ert They can cure a man of trouser love and turn him on to skirt Well I don't see why they couldn't pull the same trick in reverse And we'll have [Chorus] Five poofs and two pianos Yeah! It's a revolution And probably the best solution to the problem you're inevitably having with an even number of h*mos**uals [Verse 2] Yes I know your producers might suspect That the license paying public will object To the corporation having yet Another h*mos**ual to pay The Daily Mail will bring the big guns out Jan Moir will be frothing at the mouth Writing further brilliant stuff about The myth of being both happy and gay But all that moral indignation Will disappear when they see Those four lovely guys and me Singing in perfect harmony And all those angry letter writers Like 'Disgusted from the Isle of Wight' And 'Mad from Hull' and 'Outraged from Leeds' And 'Slightly Annoyed from Berwick-on-Tweed' Will instantly change their tune They'll be bleeding heart liberals by Saturday noon They'll be giving their grand children up for adoption In the hope that a gay married couple will adopt them They'll be putting rainbow stickers on their cars And cutting holes in the arse of their leather strides Watching two pianos and five guys! Watching two pianos and five guys! Watching two pianos and five One-two-three-four- [Chorus] Five poofs and two pianos Yeah! It'll be grand You can never have too many pianos Or too much man Five poofs and two pianos Maybe we can out Jamie Cullum Make it a trio of pianos And a big gay half dozen