Tim Minchin - 3 Minute Song lyrics

[Verse 1] My people rang me up a couple of weeks ago Yeah, I've got people, and a phone And a grasp on the pa**age of time Yeah they rang me up, said “Tim Will you go on Ruth Jones show? They want you to sing a song It'll be fine, fine, fine” But the problem with my particular œuvre Is that half my songs are five minutes and over And the wisdom here at the BBC Is that viewers switch off if you go past three And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language Which causes the viewers untold anguish It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved For p**y puns on ‘Are You Being Served?' [Verse 2] And so I need a song that only goes for three minutes Without no bums or blasphemy in it Lovely little song specifically written For the delicate skin of middle-cla** Britain I need a song with a chorus and a verse No nasty-a** cussing and a-cursing I'm a little too lewd and a little too long Gotta find myself a three-minute song They said, “Remember boy that music is like love-making It's simply self-indulgent to take it past three minutes Remember boy that music is like love-making Everybody loves a pianist, but length must have a limit So you need a song that only goes for three minutes Without no p**nography or politics in it You're a little verbose and a little bit wrong You've gotta find yourself a clean, limit, three-minute song” [Verse 3] Three-hundred beats at a hundred beats-per-minute With nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it Something for the telly that never, ever fails To appease the viewers of BBC Wales [Bridge] And even in the bridge I won't be lyrically adventurous Intellectually unmention-ous Or racially contentious And I won't make double entendres At the expense of the Chinese For China is a country That can bring me to my knees For China, for China, for China, for China Vagina is a c*nt-ry That will bring us to our knees (speaking) Ooh, Mr. Humphries, my p**y is all wet! (Fake laugh) Two, three, fore-skin [Verse 4] I need a little happy-clappy country song Nice and repetitive and not too long Boring enough, but not too boring With a key change here to prevent me snoring I need a song that is only three minutes Without no buggery or blasphemy in it Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm Well, if you can't beat ‘em, get conservative with ‘em [Verse 5] Oh-oh, I need a song that causes no offense To flog more tickets to my concerts By convincing the viewer that musical satire Hasn't progressed since Victor Borge You've got a telly and I want to be in it But apparently you'll only watch for three minutes Yeah, apparently you'll only watch for three… (minutes)