The Simpsons - Bart, The Mother lyrics

ACT ONE At the Simpson home, Homer calls everyone together. HOMER Mail call! Gather 'round, everyone! All right, one for... resident. MARGE That's me! HOMER Well, that's it. BART One stinkin' letter? Why'd you make us gather 'round like that? HOMER I needed my power fix. (sighs with pleasure) MARGE Hey, listen to this! (reads letter) "Congratulations, your child, or children, have been selected to appear in 'Who's Who Among American Elementary School Students.'" Homer gasps, then belches. MARGE "Please submit their names, along with ninety-five dollars, for each handsome volume you wish to order!" Oh, I've never been so proud! (kisses both of them) You both deserve a big, big reward! LISA Mom, they put every kid in America in that book just so gullible parents will buy it. It's all a big scam. BART (quietly to Lisa) Shut up... MARGE Are you sure? I can usually smell a scam from two towns over. BART (winking at Lisa) Yeah, Lis, she is a smart, sophisticated woman. Now, let's hear more about that big, big reward. HOMER Yeah, quit stalling, Marge, we want our reward. The Simpsons arrive at the Family Fun Center. MARGE One reward, coming up! Tada! Everyone cheers. The family park and get out of the car. HOMER Oh man, it feels good to get out of that car. Ooh, go-karts! Come on, everybody, let's go! The family, Milhouse and Nelson drive around the go-kart track. HOMER Hehehehe, Look at me, Bart! I'm driving! BART We're all proud of you, Dad. Lisa tries to get past Marge. LISA Move it, pokey. MARGE Slow and steady wins the race! (Lisa, and the others pa** Marge twice each.) Easy, easy, stick with the plan. Nelson is pa**ing Milhouse, who is wearing a crash helmet. He bumps into Milhouse and knocks him over, but he bounces back up off the side cushion. NELSON Uh, are you alright, man? MILHOUSE Uh, I think so. NELSON How about now? Nelson bumps him harder and Milhouse crashes. MILHOUSE Aah! MARGE That was no accident. Shame on you, Nelson Muntz! NELSON Cram it, ma'am. Bart and Lisa watch Homer try out a batting cage. HOMER Stand back and watch the pro. LISA Uh, shouldn't you put on a batting helmet? HOMER Nah, they mess up my hair. Homer puts a coin in the machine and it fires a ball at him. He misses. HOMER Ooh, ball one. (he misses again) Ball two. This bozo's gonna walk me. (ball hits him on the head) Hey! You're goin' down, you-- (hit) d'oh! (hit) why you-- (hit) ow!! He falls to the ground and several more balls hit him. LISA Hang in there, Dad, just half a basket left! BART Wow, you sure get a lot of balls for a quarter. Lisa plays skee-ball. She bowls the ball and Maggie, sat on top of the machine, catches it and puts it into the middle hole. LISA Yes! Maggie-oop! NELSON Hey, that's cheating! He takes the machine apart and pulls out a roll of tickets. Bart is at the counter. BART Okay, what can I get for twelve, count 'em, twelve prize tickets? TEENAGER Two thumbtacks and a moustache comb. Or five rubber bands and an ice cube. NELSON What can I get for eight thousand tickets? TEENAGER A BB Gun or an Easy Bake Oven. NELSON Hmm... hot food is tempting. But I just can't say no to a weapon. BART Whoa! Can I try that sometime? NELSON Yeah, sure. Never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun. BART Wow, thanks, Nelson, I'll come by your house later! MARGE Oh, no you won't! You stay away from Nelson Muntz. BART But Mom! MARGE Nelson's a troubled, lonely, sad little boy. He needs to be isolated from everyone. BART But Mom! MARGE Yes? BART That's all I got. Back at home, Lisa talks to Bart in his room. LISA So what prize did you end up getting? BART Moustache comb. What'd you get? LISA Fake moustache. Wanna comb it? BART Oh, this s**s. It's time to punch out of this yawn factory. I'm going to Nelson's. He jumps out of the window, onto a tree branch. LISA But Mom said not to. BART She doesn't scare me. I do what I want, when I want. (brushes himself off) Oh God, inchworms! Bart arrives at Nelson's house. Nelson carves a message of the wall. It reads, "Mom - Dad called, Re: Bail". BART Won't you get in trouble if your Mom sees you doing that? NELSON Eh, my Mom's got bigger problems. She doesn't give a crap what I do. BART Wow, you are so lucky. NELSON Come on, let's lock and load. (stops Bart) You're not going out without a scarf, are you? BART Nah, I don't need one. NELSON Eh, it's your health. In the backyard, Nelson practices shooting. NELSON Think I can hit that bottle? BART Yeah, probably. Nelson shoots and hits the bottle. NELSON Shows what you know. Hey, check this out! (he shoots at an old car) That's my Dad's shooting car. Just three more payments and it's ours. BART Aw cool! Can I get a shot now? NELSON Hang on! First how about I try and peg you in the stomach? BART Mm, no thanks. NELSON Or what about you put on these nerd gla**es and I try to shoot them off? BART No way! Come on, quit hogging the gun! The boys notice a bird singing in a tree. Nelson gives Bart the gun. NELSON Bet you can't hit that bird from here. BART Are you crazy? I don't want to shoot a stupid bird. NELSON That's 'cause you know you can't. You're not a super-stud like me! BART Am too! NELSON Are not! You're an octo-wussy. (mocking Bart) Whoa, look at me, I'm Bart Simpson! I'm scared to use a gun! I'm gonna marry Milhouse! I walk around like this. (he dances) La, la, la, la, la, la... BART Hey, quit it! Hmm... Bart aims the gun towards the bird. He lines it up, but then moves it to the right and fires. He hits the bird and it falls to the ground. BART Oh my god! NELSON Whoa, major shot! You even compensated for the crooked sight! BART Crooked sight? NELSON You are one cold blooded k**er, dude! BART But, but, I wasn't... I didn't... Nelson runs over to examine the bird. NELSON Right through the neck! (He whistles.) Doesn't get any sweeter than that, Simpson. Savor the moment. BART Oh... ACT TWO At home, Homer and Marge fold laundry. Homer hands Marge a ball of socks. HOMER Okay, I rolled up all the socks, what's next? MARGE (groans) While I deal with this, why don't you start on that basket? HOMER All right... oh, I hate folding sheets. MARGE That's your underwear. HOMER Well, whatever it is, it's a two man job. Where's Bart? MARGE He's up in his room. (calls upstairs) Bart! HOMER It's okay, Marge, I'll get him. (yelling very loudly) BART!!! LISA (walking in) What the heck's going on? MARGE We need Bart to help fold your father's underpants. Where is he anyway? LISA Bart? Uh, he went to play with a friend. MARGE He didn't go to Nelson's, did he? LISA No, no. I'm pretty sure he's with Milhouse. HOMER (leaning out the window and yelling even louder) MILHOUSE!!! MILHOUSE (yelling from a distance) WHAT?!! HOMER TELL BART TO COME HOME!!! MILHOUSE I THINK HE'S AT NELSON'S!!! HOMER WHO'S NELSON?!! MARGE Nelson?! I explicitly forbade Bart from playing with that little monster. Ooh, Bart is in deep, deep trouble. (she starts to walk out, then turns back to Homer) Oh yes, and punish Lisa for lying to us. (she leaves) HOMER (giving Lisa some money) Alright young lady, I want you to march yourself directly to the Kwik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer! (he pauses then gives her more money.) Get a little something for your self, honey. Back at Nelson's. The boys examine the bird. NELSON Should we bury it or chuck it into a car full of girls? BART Hey, leave it alone! NELSON Okay, okay, don't k** me, k**er. BART Don't calling me that! NELSON Relax, Simpson, it was either him or you. No court would convict you. Bart imagines himself in court, with birds as the judges. EAGLE Bart Simpson, do you know why you've been summoned before this tribunal? BART Yes, sir. Because I k**ed an innocent bird. VULTURE Dear Lord! We just wanted you to put fresh newspaper on the tribunal floor! EAGLE We're knee-deep in our own droppings. It's disgusting. TOUCAN But since you've confessed to bird-slaughter, we have no choice but to peck your face off. BART No, not the face! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! The birds peck him in the face. The scene fades back to Nelson's backyard, where Nelson repeatedly slaps Bart across the face. BART Ah! Ah! Ah! Ow, what are you doing?! NELSON Eh, I got bored, so I started slapping you. Marge pulls up in the car. Bart stands in front of the dead bird to hide it from her. BART (gasp) Uh oh! MARGE Young man, you're coming home with me this minute. NELSON All right, finally, a real home! MARGE Not you... Bart! NELSON Oh. See you later, k**er! MARGE "k**er"? Why did he call you "k**er"? BART Mom, you were right. Nelson is bad news. Can we go home? MARGE What are you hiding there? BART Nothing! (some cats congregate behind him) MARGE What are those cats doing behind you? BART Uh... cats like me? (a cat jumps from the tree onto his shoulder) Get... get off! Get off! All the cats run away, leaving the dead bird exposed. MARGE (gasp) Bart! Did you k** that poor bird? BART I didn't mean to, Mom. The gun pulled to the left... MARGE You disobeyed me, snuck over here and murdered a helpless animal? BART I know, I really screwed up. I deserve to be punished. MARGE What's the point, Bart? I punish, and I punish, and I punish, but it never sinks in. So you know what? Do what you want. You wanna play with little hoodlums, fine. Have fun k**ing things. BART Mom, wait! Marge drives off. Bart turns back to Nelson's house. Nelson is frying a carrot and humming the Simpsons theme. He then notices a nest, with eggs in, up in the tree. BART Oh my god! (he climbs the tree) Hi little eggs. I'm not sure how to tell you this, but... y-your mother was involved in an incident. Mistakes were made... by me. But don't worry, I'll take care of you. Bart takes the eggs. He visits Springfield Library, where he watches a film called "Birds: Our Fine Feathered Colleagues". Troy McClure stars. TROY Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as "Earwigs, Ew!", and "Man Versus Nature: The Road to Victory". In all the animal kingdom, no mother is more devoted than the blue jay. Valuing her eggs above even her own life, the mother bird regularly fights off such fearsome predators as the badger and the mongoose. In a tree, Troy puts a badger and a mongoose on the branch next to her. The mother chases them off. TROY Of course, one thing Mother blue jay can't defend against is a set of steel tongs. He lifts the bird out of the nest with the tongs, revealing the eggs. TROY Eggs. Precious eggs. If they're to survive, they require the gentle warmth and tender love that only a mother can provide. Or better yet, a seventy-five watt bulb. In a laboratory, Troy places the eggs into a gla** box, lit with a light bulb. TROY Oh, hello! In a few days, our eggs will hatch into nestlings, like these over here. He walks over to a cage of nestlings. A boy enters the scene. BILLY They look awfully hungry, Mr. McClure. TROY They sure are, Billy. In nature, their mother would regurgitate food for them to eat. BILLY That's gross! TROY (laughs) It sure is, Billy. It sure is. The film ends. Bart writes a few things down, and leaves. He pa**es Reverend Lovejoy, checking out a book. LIBRARIAN You've checked out this Bible every weekend for the last nine years. Surely it would be easier just to buy one? REVEREND LOVEJOY Perhaps, on a librarian's salary. In the tree house, Bart sets up the nest as on the video. BART Hey fellas, good news! I found an extra seventy-five watt light bulb lying around! In the house, Homer carries a box to the basement, whistling. He switches the light on, but it does not come on and he falls down the stairs. HOMER D'oh! When he reaches the bottom, he starts whistling again. BART Check it out guys, I've been working on this regurgitation thing. (he makes a choking sound) Oh yeah, hope you like Pop Tarts! (looking at the eggs) I think I'll call you Chirpy Boy, and you Bart Junior. And you can call me Mother. No, wait, that sounds kinda fruity. Just call me Mom. Bart protects the eggs. He moves the light bulb closer when it is too cold and protects the eggs from the rain with a parasol. Homer falls down the basement stairs several times during this sequence. Finally, Bart appears from the trapdoor to hose the cat when it gets too close. The cat runs into the kitchen, shakes itself off onto the dog, who in turn shakes himself off onto Homer. Homer shakes himself off and gets a beer. MARGE What do you think he's doing up there? HOMER I don't know. Drug lab? MARGE Drug lab?! HOMER Or reading comic books, what am I, Kreskin? You tell me what he's doing. MARGE I don't know, and I don't want to know. And I'm going to find out. Marge walks outside and sees a cable running up to the tree house. MARGE Oh, my good gray extension cord! She unplugs it. In the tree house, the light bulb goes out. BART Oh, no! I've got to keep these warm. MARGE (calling up) Bart, stop whatever you're doing and come down here! BART Can't right now! Come back later. MARGE (climbing tree) Oh, I'll come back later. (reaches top) How's this for later? BART Mom, listen... MARGE Why are you sitting like that? What are you hiding this time? Bart moves away to reveal the eggs. MARGE Eggs? BART That bird I k**ed was their mother. I don't want her babies to die too. Marge prepares to tell Bart off, but can't do it. MARGE Hmm, oh, oh honey come here. She hugs him, but notices one of the eggs hatching. MARGE Oh my goodness, look! In the kitchen, the eggs are sat on a table. HOMER Oh man, this is the most exiting thing I've ever seen since Hailey's comet collided with the moon. LISA That never happened, Dad. HOMER Sure it didn't... BART Is the nest still warm enough, Mom? MARGE Hmm, they're starting to cool down. I'll bake another pie. She pulls out a pie from underneath the nest. Homer grabs it. HOMER Ooh, how about cherry this time? And would it k** ya to make some coffee? The family stare at the eggs. HOMER Why's it taking so long? Bart was born in about five minutes. MARGE Actually, it took fifty-three hours. HOMER Really? Well, the time just flew by, didn't it? Marge groans. Later, the eggs start to hatch. BART Everybody come quick! They're hatching! MARGE I see a foot! LISA I see an eye! BART I see a neck! HOMER I see a horn! LISA A horn? Two lizards hatch from the eggs, looking cute. FAMILY Aw... The lizards suddenly turn and hiss at them. FAMILY Aah! ACT THREE The family look at the lizards. BART Man, those are some funky-looking birds. HOMER Oh, hehehehehe, you look like a little tiny dinosaur. (He touches one, and it bites his finger.) Aah! This is one vicious baby bird. LISA Dad, they aren't birds. BART Sure they are. They came from eggs in a bird's nest. Therefore, they're birds. Ikso fatso. LISA One, they don't have beaks, two, they don't have feathers, and three, they're lizards! BART You're a lizard! HOMER Enough bickering! I know how to settle this. MARGE No kickboxing! HOMER Aw... (takes the pie) if anybody wants me, I'll be eating alone in the basement. He walks out, and falls down the basement stairs yet again. At a local bird-watching society. Principal Skinner leads the discussion. SKINNER Now, uh, people. There's been some confusion about our bird sighting rules. You cannot count birds that you've seen at the zoo, on stamps, or in dreams. MOE Well, I'm back to square one. He tears up his piece of paper. A pigeon lands on the window sill. Jasper looks at it through binoculars. JASPER My god - a pigeon. That's the last bird on my list. Heh. So long, s**ers! He leaves, and Bart, Marge and Lisa enter, with the lizards. BART Excuse me, can you tell us what type of birds these are? SKINNER Good heavens! I'm very glad you brought those in, Bart. I'll just get them k**ed, and you can be on your way. He puts the lizards under a paper cutter and is about to k** them, when Bart snatches them back. BART Hey! What the heck are you doing? SKINNER (holding up a notepad) My civic duty, that's what. LISA (reading notepad) Bolivian Tree Lizards? SKINNER Mm-hmm. It's a vicious ovoraptor. It feasts on bird eggs and lays its own in the nest. The unsuspecting mother bird cares for them until the babies hatch and... devour her too. MOE (laughing) What a chump! SKINNER It's already wiped out the Dodo, the Cuckoo, and the Ne-Ne, and it has nasty plans for the b**by, the Titmouse, the Woodco*k, and the Titpecker. MARGE How vile! SKINNER The one thing that mystifies me is how a Bolivian Tree Lizard made it to Springfield. APU (coughs, looking shifty) That... is a puzzlement... The scene dissolves to the Kwik-E-Mart some time ago. Apu opens a box of donuts from Bolivia. Two lizards escape from the box and leave the store. The scene fades back to reality, where Apu still looks shifty. BURNS Look, Skinner, we haven't got all day. k** the horrid beasts... and do away with their lizards. BART No, don't hurt them! I'll just keep them as pets. SKINNER No, they might escape and breed. The law is very clear on this, they must be exterminated as quickly and gruesomely as possible. (holds up an electric drill) BART No, they're mine! MARGE I'm sure we can work this out. He's just a child. Let me talk to him. SKINNER All right, I'll give you a moment. That'll give us time to prepare for the splatter. Several people put on safety goggles. Marge takes Bart outside and shuts the door. MARGE Bart, I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do. Your lizards are banned by federal law. BART Everyone thinks they're monsters. But I raised them, and I love them! I know that's hard to understand. MARGE Not as hard as you think. (whispering) Run for it. BART Really? She nods. Bart gives her a kiss and runs off. Skinner opens the door. SKINNER (looking at his watch) Okay, that's exactly one moment-- (gasps) Oh my God, he's getting away! SMITHERS Stop him! MOE Out of the way, Midge. MARGE (blocking the doorway) Oh, am I in the way? BURNS Yes, yes, you're in the way! Are you daft, woman? MARGE (still blocking the doorway) Sorry, I didn't realize I was in the way. SKINNER You're still in the way. You don't seem to be moving at all. EDNA KREBAPPEL Oh, for crying out loud, just knock her a** down. She pushes Marge aside. MOE Way to shove, Edna. APU Let us roll. Bart, hiding in an empty room, talks to his lizards. BART Guys, is it really true? Are you really egg-k**ers? (they look at him innocently) Don't use that look on me, I invented that look. The bird-watching society burst in. Burns looks through binoculars from the wrong end. BURNS There he is! Off in the distance! Bart runs up the stairs, and onto the roof. SKINNER Okay Bart. This is where it ends. Relinquish the lizards. (Bart turns away) I said, relinquish! Skinner grabs the box, and they struggle. He pulls the lid off, and the lizards fly off the roof. BART Oh no! You k**ed them! SKINNER Good riddance to bad lizards. Suddenly, the lizards spread out some flaps and glide to the ground. BART Hey! Whoa, look at them! Go Chirpy Boy! Go Bart Junior! SKINNER Oh, nuts! LISA Wow, did you know they had those webbed flaps for gliding? SKINNER Yes. But I was hoping they didn't know that. (The lizards reach the ground and run off) Well, I hope you're happy, Bart. You have no idea what kind of plague you've unleashed upon this town. Kent Brockman reads the news. KENT Our top story, the population of parasitic tree lizards has exploded, and local citizens couldn't be happier! It seems the rapacious reptiles have developed a taste for the common pigeon, also known as the 'feathered rat', or the 'gutter bird'. For the first time, citizens need not fear hara**ment by flocks of chattering disease-bags. Later, Bart receives an award from Mayor Quimby outside the town hall. Several lizards slink past. QUIMBY For decimating our pigeon population, and making Springfield a less oppressive place to while away our worthless lives, I present you with this scented candle. Skinner talks to Lisa. SKINNER Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend. LISA But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're overrun by lizards? SKINNER No problem. We simply unleash wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards. LISA But aren't the snakes even worse? SKINNER Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat. LISA But then we're stuck with gorillas! SKINNER No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to d**h. The family head back to the car. HOMER I'm proud of you, boy. (sniffs candle) Mmm... loganberry. LISA I don't get it, Bart. You got all upset when you k**ed one bird, but now you've k**ed tens of thousands, and it doesn't bother you at all. BART Hey, you're right... (pause) I call the front seat! LISA You had it on the way over! As the kids fight for the front seat, a pigeon is dragged to the ground and k**ed by a group of lizards. Fade to credits.