Terry O'Leary - 50's And 60's Weird TV on Channel 3 lyrics

I think I must be seeing things Before me stand the four of kings, They shuffle when the Bishop brings Annette upon nine raven wings And Beanie rides a sea serpent And wonders where the yellow went; I go to pay the next day's rent, Where have they taken my new tent? The bandstand kids look like Dick Clark, Turn on the lights, I'm in the dark, I'm standing in Grand Central Park, A worm has caught a purple lark And Kookie has run out of combs So rents out rooms in old maid's homes, He has B.O. where ere he roams So buys some spray and sells his tomes, To your friend Ralph, yes you know who, The one who should be in a zoo; He sells used cars upon the tube To each and every simple b**b And if he gives you stomach ache Then Alkaseltzer's what you take And Bufferin too if you're a rake, Thus hath the Johnny Carson spake Do I need a cigarette? A camel says before me yet ‘yes, Luckys is the brand to get, Be a he man, don't you fret' ‘there must be worser ways to die So buy brand X, give it a try'; Just then another bird walks up And asks me what I feed my pup Then puts a nickel in my cup And tells me I am full of crup Of where I am, I'm unaware; Why are the people all so square? Who is standing over there? He says he's here to take my fare But I'm not going anywhere, Besides I feel my pockets bare ‘Well then I guess you must have paid' At this I start to get afraid, I think my mind will start to fade, Then Hogen's Heros make a raid, Upon my sensibilities And now it's clear why each eye sees So many people climbing trees; It aint because of hungry fleas As Tarzan swings upon a rope I find I start to give up hope; Jack Webb has started smoking dope So now the crooks no longer mope And Perry Mason kicks a judge But finds the law will never budge Unless big business gives a nudge To Popeye selling ice cream fudge At this I really have to rush To our old john so I can flush So far away this vacant mush Before my teeth I start to brush Then Josephine comes to my view And says ‘I want to talk to you Have you scrubbed your sink anew? Your mop I think needs some shampoo' I said ‘I think you are the plumber And no one else was ever dumber You've put me on another bummer' My feelings start to get much number Matt Dillon chases Jack LaLane Around a roller derby lane I think I need some more c**aine, So please don't ever come back Shane I try to walk another street When me and Walter Cronkite meet; He says he thinks the news is neat And starts to talk about the sleet I run away as fast I can When Brinkley and the other man Say ‘good night Peter, good night Pan' While Tinker Bell is on the can A dog starts crapping up the yard, He must have eaten too much Pard But watch out, here comes Pat Boone, bard, He's taking steps without regard I find a jacka** facing me And ride as far as far can be And find myself beneath the sea, But now Lloyd Bridges faces me I think he must be on a hunt To find a mind that he can stunt; He says ‘they're sitting all up front And you can hear them as they grunt' Old Ironsides rolls into view And says he's looking for a clue; I close my eyes and say ‘me too' 'cause something seems so much askew I better buy some brand new specs 'cause Mickey Mouse is rated X And everybody's doing s**; Ben Casey gives the VD checks Hey, Milton Berle is throwing rocks And Elvis Presley's chased by flocks Of girls in teeny bopper socks; Please help, I'm sick, I need two docs A weirdo asks me ‘what's my line If Ricky Nelson drinks my wine And Lucy is my concubine; Paola's great if I get mine' I'm looking for a place to hide I stick my thumb out for a ride When Jackie Gleason pulls up beside ‘If two squared's four, can you divide? ' ‘Of course I can, I've been to school And I am not nobody's fool' I feel I am a molecule Just floating through a vestibule So Jackie says ‘you are a kid But older than a pyramid, Too bad you're not a phallic squid; I say, ah, can you spare a lid? ' Some girls are wearing panty hose They shave their hair which overgrows And spray away their bod's B.O.s; I want to fade inside my clothes Some kid is spraying Clearasil, He wants to make his pimples nil; He paints his breath with chlorophyll; I'm in the dream of someone ill I'm fleeing but I feel a goose, Behind me grins a guy named Bruce, His velvet miniskirt is puce Why can't I even call a truce? There's Billy Graham on a binge His holy words do make me cringe; If nonsense were a door with fringe Then Billy Graham would be the hinge I hear some Wallace words unkind How has our race so soon declined? His thoughts should be in sh** enshrined; Thank god my eyes are color blind The Beverly Hillbillys pace the street The crowds are lying at their feet While Petticoat Junction joins the fleet And Green Acres makes it complete I guess I know that something's wrong I haven't yet met old King Kong, They say ‘he went back to Hong Kong For that is where he do belong' Now I'm pausing in the gloom And watch the reruns they exhume They still do stink, I smell the fume; To run away I must resume Here comes Mitch, he's singing songs While Lawrence Welk, he beats the gongs; I need to buy some racing thongs, Instead they sell me three Ding Dongs Behind me now there grows a tree While Howdy Doody bends his knee; I haven't lost my sanity, I'm merely tuned to Channel Three