Robert Downey Jr. - Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - Script lyrics

The movie opens in flashback to about 1980 at a fair in Indiana of some sort. With pie eating contests... OLD LADY: On the count of three. One, two, three! ...ring toss... ANNOUNCER: Try the ring toss. Three for a quarter. Look how easy it is. There you go, a winner! ...and eventually the one the camera settles, on a boy magician named "Harold the Great", who is about to perform a trick, where an a**istant saws a girl in a box in half with a chainsaw. HAROLD: And now, for my shocking finale. Not for the squeamish. Not for the faint of heart. I call my trick "The Jaws of d**h. " He turns to the girl in the box. HAROLD: Now. Say it. Say it. GIRL: Harold, use your awesome might to save me from this hopeless plight. He waves a wand on her. HAROLD: No harm will come to you. Alakazam. Midway through the sawing, the girl lets loose with a series of piercing screams. GIRL:Help me! Help me! The audience panics, and some nearby adults rush up and open the box. The girl is just pretending to be hurt and smiles up at an adult man... GIRL:I'm going to be an actress. The adult slaps her. OPENING CREDITS Day One: Trouble is my business The movie cuts to a generic Hollywood beautiful person party where we see Harry (Robert Downey Jr.), fully but shabbily clothed, intentionally teetering at the edge of a pool full of bikini clad women. HARRY (V.O.): Hard to believe it was last Christmas that me and Harmony changed the world. And we didn't mean to. And it didn't last long, you know. A thing like that can't.Now that I'm in L.A., I go to parties. The kind where if a girl is named Jill, she spells it J-Y-L-L-E, that bullsh**. At this point the camera focuses on Harry, who finally introduces himself as the narrator. HARRY (V.O.): That's me there. My name's Harry Lockhart, I'll be your narrator. Welcome to L.A. Welcome to the party. Close on two guys talking, a Larry Miller-ish casting agent (played by - who else - Larry Miller)... HARRY (V.O.): The guy smoking, that's Dabney Shaw, my producer. He discovered me. ...and another, played by Val Kilmer. HARRY (V.O.): The man with him is Perry Van Shrike, a.k.a. Gay Perry. Honest-to-God private eye, consults in film, TV. Just incorporated. He's bigtime. Also, he's gay. SHAW: Don't start, Perry, huh? I seen you play ball. You're tough. But you see a naked guy, your brain says, "I want that. " I don't make that leap. It's like, "Look, there's an elephant. Quick, let's drain its blood to paint my boathouse. " It's just that that's not the first thing you think of. Perry laughs. Back to Harry, who's lighting a cigarette. HARRY (V.O.): L.A. By now you may wonder how I wound up here, or maybe not. Maybe you wonder how Silly Putty picks sh** up from comic books. Point is, I don't see another goddamn narrator, so pipe down. How did I get here? See for yourself. How Harry got to the party We now cut to New York City, and then specifically to a small toy store late at night. It's obviously closed, and we hear Harry on the phone with his niece. HARRY (offscreen): Chloe, just run the name by me one more time because I must be missing something. [Cut to inside the store.Two thieves are rummaging around. One of them is Harry] HARRY: I'm going nuts. I've been through the store three times. CHLOE: Cyber Agent. C-Y-B-E- Why don't you ask an employee or something? HARRY: No, they're all busy. [Harry moves his flashlight until he finds a box similar to what she said] HARRY: Ah! "Protocop, protector of man. " Is that it? Protocop? He protects men. CHLOE: Uncle Harry, look around. There are signs. [he sees the Protocop is on the bargain bin] CHLOE: That show was cancelled two years ago. Just ask- Wait, are they even open? HARRY:Yeah, it's holiday hours. Look- [turns to the other thief] Get away from the window. [back to the phone] I gotta go, but I'll find this. A large UPS truck drives by, jostling the wiring on the jury rigged alarm and setting it off. HARRY:Great. The two run out the back door and into an alley. PARTNER: sh**, Harry, that sh** went wrong! HARRY:Give me the gun! PARTNER: No. Give me the bullets! WOMAN (O.S.): Freeze! As they turn around and lift their hands, the camera pans up, revealing a woman on a fire escape with a pistol. HARRY:You gotta be f**ing kidding me. WOMAN WITH GUN: We'll stand here and wait for the police. HARRY:[to his partner]Drop the gun. [to the woman]We didn't do anything. We are not dangerous. [to the partner]Drop the gun. [the partner waves the unloaded gun] PARTNER:Hey, lady, gun is not loaded- HARRY:Richie, no! They are fired upon by the woman . Harry's partner is hit by a bullet that grazed Harry's arm. HARRY:Richie![More bullets.] sh**! Harry escapes on foot. The police approaches, he's forced to turn around and take another way. HARRY:Oh, boy. [He runs from alley to alley until he encounters a milling group of men who are all dressed in dark thiefish clothing like himself. He runs up a stairway and crashes into a room with 3 or 4 people sitting around a desk. ] WOMAN: Take it easy. Jesus. Oh, no, no. We're not ready for you yet, sir.Go wait with the others. SHAW: Grace, do me a favor, let's take him. He's ready. You're ready? GRACE: Ready? HARRY:Okay, come on. GRACE: You know the setup? Got any questions? [Harry is handed a script and takes the chair in front of Grace] SHAW: He's got no questions. Look at him. Let's go. HARRY:Let's read. [The cops arrive near the others in thiefish clothing. Back to the other room...] GRACE: Where is he? Where's Raphael? HARRY:Where is he? Where's-? [Harry looks at the script. It's from some sort of hard boiled crime thriller in which the main character is being berated for allowing his partner to be k**ed.] HARRY: [deadpan] Beat up on me all night. You want me to give up my partner, you can go spit. [the cops have left the car and are approaching] GRACE: Quit acting like the good guy, jerk-off. You got your partner k**ed. He was in over his head, you knew it. You may as well have pulled the trigger. You k**ed him! [Harry looks at the page again] HARRY: No, I didn't- I didn't k** him. He wanted in. Why-?[The similarity to his current situation is too much. Harry loses it, throws his chair and stands up, delivering it with intensity] Why?! I didn't want him to come in on it. He insisted. I said, "Stay at home. " But he doesn't listen. He's such a stupid son of a b**h. I k**ed him, didn't I? Oh, f**, this is my fault. [Harry puts his head on Grace's lap, crying and begging for forgiveness. Both she and Shaw are amused. At this moment a cop bursts through the door.] COP: I'm sorry. Sorry. Hey, good luck. [The cop ducks back out.] SHAW: See, this is what I'm talking about. Old school. Method. GRACE: Studio. SHAW: Brando. Put this in the pouch to L.A. Get Gay Perry on the phone. Meanwhile, back at the party… HARRY (V.O.): Now, get this, they're screen-testing me. Is that wild? One minute, I'm boosting Xboxes in the East Village the next, I'm sipping champagne in L.A. A blonde approaches Harry. BLONDE: Hi. HARRY: Hey. BLONDE: So, what do you do? HARRY: I'm retired. I invented dice when I was a kid. How about you? BLONDE: I do a little acting. [Cut to the blonde, naked, being decapitated by a werewolf-like monster in a horror movie] BLONDE: I'm gonna see who else is here. HARRY (V.O.): Anyway, that's how I got to the party. A woman (Michelle Monaghan) is introduced by the narrator. HARRY (V.O.): Now, Harmony, different story. Some will tell you she got here on account of the giant robot. I'll show you that in a minute. But for me, robot-schmobot, she was destined to be here. Jeez, look at those stems, will you? Not that that's what constitutes why she should be here. HARMONY: Yes, racist. I'm serious. The other reindeer laughed at him. Then, out of the blue, they need him. He's as good as a fog light or whatever. You know what, so you tell me, how is it any different than: "Don't talk to Reggie, he's black. Oh, wait, he can play basketball. Sign him up. " Rudolph, Reggie. How Harmony got to the party Images of a Middle-American town. HARRY (V.O.): Harmony Faith Lane was your typical L.A. girl, she wasn't from there. She grew up in a burg in southern Indiana. "When in doubt, cut up a pig. " That was the town motto. [child Harmony reading to her mother in bed] Like most soon-to-be-f**ed-up girls, Harmony was wicked smart. Of course, credit where credit's due she had a terrific mentor. [Close on her mother.] No, not her. [Close on the book Harmony is reading, part of a crime series about a detective called "Johnny Gossamer"] Him. CHILD HARMONY: "'Go to hell, Jonny Gossamer!' She poured herself into a seamless dress. From the looks of it, she spilled some. " [Harmony rolls Silly Putty on the Johnny Gossamer book,making it stamp the detective's face. She then rolls the putty into a ball and plays with it.] HARRY (V.O.): Jonny spoke from the pages of cheap paperbacks and told of a promised land known as "the Coast” and a magical city called Los Angeles. As the years progressed, she wished he was real. Wished that he would come to Indiana to save her little sister, Jenna. [Harmony and Jenna sleeping. The door opens, a man takes Jenna away] HARRY (V.O.):You see, Papa was at her night after night. But Jonny never showed. And then the guy writing the books died. Age 16, she split. [Bus, then teenage Harmony sleeping inside it, Johnny Gossamer book in her hand.] HARRY (V.O.): Took the bus to L.A., the promised land. She'd get rich and famous and then help little sis. Before he died the guy who wrote the books said Jonny was a joke. He wrote it for money, and it was bullsh**. Harmony ignored this. She knew better. I mean, who the hell was he? He was just a writer. And that's how she got to the same party as me- [The film reel skips out of the projector] HARRY (V.O.): Oh, sh**. I skipped something. Damn it. This robot bit. I made a big deal, then I forgot. f**, bad narrating. Like my dad telling a joke. "Oh, wait, back up. I forgot to tell you the cowboy rode a blue horse." f**. I don't know if you want to see it now, but here's the f**ing robot stuff. Can I say "f**" more? [Harmony eating while watching television] ANNOUNCER: Now back to Protocop, starring Jeff Neal. [A RoboCop knock-off fighting thugs in a building. Harmony hears a noise, picks up a baseball bat and goes to the kitchen. A guy dressed as Protocop is there putting cookies he dropped back into a tray – which lies next to a crate of Dos Equis bottles.] HARMONY: What the-? Oh, my God. [“Protocop” gets a beer bottle, opens it.] HARMONY: Hey! [The startled “Protocop” throws the beer he was about to drink into the wall, jumps back, stumbles on the railing, and falls down the balcony. As Harmony goes to see how the guy is doing, we then hear a news report…] REPORTER (V.O.): Sources close to Neal, who has not worked as an actor in two years say he seemed despondent earlier tonight during a rerun of Protocop. [Neal is seen unconscious on the ground below, pieces of the armor spread. Cut to the reporter in front of cops checking on Neal.] REPORTER: The actor, who still retains a costume he wore on the show, allegedly dressed up, stumbled down the bike path and wandered into this Venice Beach house… [We see Shaw is watching this news program] REPORTER (V.O.): … where aspiring actress Harmony Faith Lane was shocked to discover him. HARMONY: I'd jog by, "Hi, hello, " you know, that sort of thing. SHAW: Who's this? HARMONY: I feel for the guy. This city can't get enough of messing with people. Like putting a whoopee cushion on the seat of an electric chair. Like that. [Shaw talking to an executive type, who checks on a folder] SHAW: They always do this.You can never see below the waist. It's like a Playmate in 1964. It was always behind the bedpost or there's a shadow. You never-What am I telling you for? Invite her to something. Back to the present. HARRY (V.O.): And there it was. Bingo. Destiny. Harmony is seen going over the bookshelves in the house until she finds some copies of the same old paperback detective series - "Johnny Gossamer". She hugs them tenderly, reads from them for a bit and then pa**es out on a table. A sleazy man enters and, seeing her unconscious - starts to poke around in her underthings before Harry walks in. HARRY: You know what, you better be her doctor. Walk away. Don't think, just do it. SLEAZE: What, are you her brother or something? It's none of your business, man. I will f** you up. HARRY: No, you'll try. And that little experimente will end in tears, my friend.So again, for the cheap seats, do not think, walk the f** away.Or let's you and me go outside right now.It's past my bedtime. Make a choice. Harry ends up being beaten to a pulp - reflecting he never was very good at fighting. SLEAZE: a**hole. [After the man walks away, Perry helps Harry up.] PERRY: You all right? HARRY: Yeah. [he gives Perry his hand] Thanks, bro. One day, I'll actually learn how to fight. PERRY: Perry Van Shrike. HARRY: Hey. Harry Lockhart. [both start waling away] HARRY: I heard about you. You're the whatchamacallit, the consultant. You must be- Anyway... PERRY: Gay Perry? HARRY: Yeah. Right. Dabney calls you that.I guess you guys are old buddies. PERRY: Five years now. HARRY: Wow, five years. Still gay? PERRY: Me? No. I'm knee-deep in p**y. I just like the name so much, I can't get rid of it. [Harry sees Harmony walking out with the sleazy man] SLEAZE: You should know better than to fall asleep at a party. There's freaks here. [The two are in a bathroom, where Perry is helping Harry clean up.] PERRY: Dabney wants you to take detective lessons. HARRY: Come again? PERRY: For your acting. I've got surveillance tomorrow. You game? HARRY: What's the person like? Crime lord? PERRY: Please. I'm guessing some sad, lonely little man who single-handedly haunts his own home in the Hollywood Hills. HARRY: That was incredibly gay. [Harlan Dexter (Corbin Bernsen) pokes his head in.] HARLAN: Good God. Ouch. HARRY: Yeah, you should see the other guy. PERRY: Harry, this is our generous host, Harlan Dexter. HARLAN: Ah, yes, of course. You're Dabney's golden boy from back East. I hope it isn't past your bedtime. HARRY: No, sir. My mom used to say I had the neon disease. When the neon lights came on, I woke up. HARLAN:I'm afraid I'm similarly afflicted. My daughter just lived 10 years in Paris. She says it is heaven for the vampire set. [Harlan points at the birthday cake.] HARLAN:If you'll excuse me, apparently I'm meant to help cut this monstrosity. [Harlan is seen hugging a girl] PERRY:Mom's gone, so it's just him and his born-again little bundle of joy. HARRY: Born-again? That's precious. PERRY:Isn't it? Three months ago, she was suing him over Mom's millions. He called her a- Well, a bad word. c*nt. Welcome to Hollywood. [Film gets out of the reel] HARRY (V.O.): Okay, I apologize. That is a terrible scene. It's like, "Why was that in the movie? Gee, you think maybe it'll come back later, maybe?" I hate that. A TV's on, talking about the new power plant. Wonder where the climax will happen. Or that shot of the cook in Hunt for Red October. Sorry. [Harry and Perry in the party's entrance, getting mementos from the receptionist] RECEPTIONIST: Hi, thank you for coming. HARRY: Hey, do you know that blond gal who just left? RECEPTIONIST: Oh, the one with the guy that beat the sh** out of you? No. Bye, have a better night. [They continue walking down the stairs] HARRY: She had something, that gal, this quality. Like the girl from high school, the one that got away. You know what I mean? That haunts you still. PERRY:Yeah, I had that. HARRY: You did? PERRY: Bobby Mills. HARRY: Huh. Well, maybe you should try to get in touch. I got 5 bucks says you could still get him. PERRY: Really? That's funny. I got a 10 says, "Pa** the pepper." [Perry sits on his car] I got two quarters harmonizing on "Moonlight in Vermont. " HARRY: What? PERRY: Talking money. HARRY: A talking monkey? PERRY: Talking monkey, yeah.Came here from the future. Ugly s**er. Only says, "Ficus. " Detective lessons tomorrow.Don't forget. HARRY: Okay. PERRY: And Harry... Come here. That girl, I know her. She's done some work for me.Try the Domino Room. HARRY: Where's that? [Images of downtown LA, and then the Domino Room. Harry shows up at the club and walks past the doorman without being ha**led. As he sees Harmony on the bar, he encounters a woman named Flicka (Angela Lindvall).] FLICKA: Hey there. I'm Flicka. HARRY: Hey. How are you? FLICKA: Good. So, what do you do? HARRY: I'm a private detective. And you? FLICKA: I'm a stewardess. HARRY: Really? FLICKA: Yeah. [Flicka starts leaving]Well, nice to meet you. HARRY: That it? FLICKA: Yeah. HARRY: Yep. [Harry takes a seat besides Harmony at the bar] HARRY: Could I have a Jack and soda? Thanks. [turns to Harmony] Evening. Harry. God, I'm sore. I mean, physically, not like a guy who's angry in a movie in the 1950s.Didn't I see you at a party hours ago? HARMONY: Why? HARRY: Why what? HARMONY: Why me? Seriously, why not the girl over there? Look, she's very pretty. HARRY: Which one? HARMONY: On the left, next to Brazilian Billy Bob Thornton. [we see said guy, with a blonde and a brunette next to him] HARRY: Oh, that's a bit of a reach. I'm interrupting. I feel badly. What are you drinking? HARMONY: Bad. HARRY: Bad? Sorry? HARMONY: You feel bad. HARRY: Bad? HARMONY: "Badly" is an adverb. To say you feel badly says that the mechanism which allows you to feel is broken. HARRY: Well, that one over there? HARMONY: Between-[she looks at the girl again] Oh, God, nix, nix. That's- The blond. The blond's pathetic. HARRY: Because? HARMONY: For starters, she's been f**ed more times than she's had hot meals. HARRY: I heard. It was neck and neck, and then she skipped lunch. HARMONY: Worst thing, though.... HARRY: Do tell. HARMONY: Worst thing is she's 35 years old and still trying to act. I see her at auditions all the time. It's over, baby. You missed. HARRY: That's charitable of you.May I ask how old you are? HARMONY: Go for it. HARRY: Okay, how old are you? HARMONY: Thirty-four. HARRY: Yeah? HARMONY: I'm a baby. HARRY: Where's your buddy? The guy you- The guy you left the party with? HARMONY: He's a f**ing a**hole. I just needed a ride.Sorry, I swear a lot. HARRY: I know. It's okay. HARMONY: Did you know the host? HARRY: No. HARMONY: He looked familiar, though. Probably an actor. [a girl arrives and stands between Harry and Harmony] HARMONY'S FRIEND: Buzz buzz. Go away, Mr. Fly. HARRY: I was talking to your friend. HARMONY'S FRIEND: She doesn't want to talk to you. HARRY: Sunshine, she'll be back to you in a minute. Relax. HARMONY'S FRIEND: She doesn't have a minute. HARRY: Tell you what, if you change your mind about that drink, I'll be over there with Native American Joe Pesci. [Harmony sees the guy, and laughs] HARMONY: You are so.... HARRY: That was good, right? HARMONY'S FRIEND: Why are you humoring him? Stop it. You know what, there's an empty table over there. I hear it's a recommended cheeseball hangout. HARRY:Your mouth is a recommended place to put a sock. [looks at Harmony]Princess.[and the other] Scary friend. [as he tries to leave…] HARMONY: Goddamn it.Harry Lockhart, are you gonna recognize me or what? God! Embrey, Indiana! Loves snakes, afraid of spiders. Come on, remember? You were Amazing Harry- No, no, no. Harold the Great. HARRY:Harmony? HARMONY: You cut me in half, remember? HARMONY'S FRIEND: Harmony… HARRY: Oh, sh**. Oh, my God. How are you? [Harmony hugs Harry, the friend looks pissed.] HARRY (V.O.): Okay, I was a bad narrator again... [the magician from the opening sequence is seen again] ...because the kid at the beginning, the magician, that was me. I don't want to put this on you... but if you've been paying attention, I shouldn't have to- [an elderly couple walks in front of the “Harold the Great” sign] Great. No wonder. Ma and Pa Kettle. I got an idea. Why not put these two lame-o extras in front of the mammoth f**ing lens? Boo. [said extras turn to the camera] Scat. Fat lady, leave. [the two extras move out of the camera's view] See there? "Harold. " [he even scribbles around the sign to highlight it] [now it's a group of cheerleaders in high school] HARRY (V.O.): Remember how I said this high school chick haunted me? How seeing Harmony made me think of her? That's because it was her. [teenage Harmony is circled, with an arrow reading “Her”] It all came flooding back. How I was the one she confided in. [ditto with teen Harry, only reading “me”] While she was doing every other guy in school. [Teen with an arrow pointing at him reading “Some a**hole”. Horns are scribbled on his head] [Harmony and Harry talking; she eventually puts her head in his shoulder] HARRY (V.O.): It was the first time I felt that how pitying someone and wanting to f** them can get all tangled up in your head. Overwhelming sadness. Meanwhile, you got a rodney.Is that sick? I think- Yeah, I think that's sick. Back to the present. HARMONY: Leaving my sister back home, leaving her there all alone....Hardest thing I ever did.Do you remember when we were real little and a movie crew came to town? HARRY: That mystery flick with the guy, Jonny what's-his-name? HARMONY: Gossamer. HARRY: Jonny Gossamer. Right. Your mom went nuts, and she bought all the books and stuff. HARMONY: That was- God, that was forever ago. HARRY: Yeah, that was back in the day. HARMONY: Harry... I didn't get famous. HARRY: Yet. HARMONY: I did... get to do this one commercial. HARRY: You're sh**ting me. Which one? HARMONY: Well, you know the one with the bear? And it goes- Well, this is funny. "I prefer Genaros, but-" HARRY: "But I'm a bear, what do I know? I s** heads off fish. " That was you? Oh, my God. HARMONY: Yeah, it was. Yeah. HARRY: That's awesome. HARMONY: Oooh, Commercial. HARRY:Come on, that's a big deal. That's a national commercial. HARMONY: Harry, stop. It's nothing. There was actually this kind of cool moment where I got to sort of do the wave. [she waves]"I prefer Genaros. " Whatever, it's nothing. HARRY: It's pretty cool. HARMONY: It's nothing special at all. HARRY: Well, I think it's special. [she chugs on her beer; close on…] Punk-rock Steven Seagal thinks it's special. Right there, at your 11 o'clock. [Harmony sees the guy and nearly chokes on the beer laughing] That's dead-on, right? That's all right. I had him pegged when I came in.Come back to the hotel for a little while, just have one drink. Bring your friend. It'd just be a drink. You'll be home faster than you can say "Jack Robinson. " HARMONY: I don't know about that. I can say "Jack Robinson" pretty fast. HARRY: I'm timing you. HARMONY: Jack Robinson. Cut to: Bedroom, next day Two champagne gla**es, and then Harry waking up with a girl in his bed... He thinks it's Harmony, but is shocked to find out it's her hostile friend instead. She comes towards him with a smile on his face, but he jumps out of bed. Harry runs to Harmony's place and knocks on her door. HARMONY: Do you have any idea what time it is? HARRY: I'm really sorry. God, you still look great. You're just stunning. I like- HARMONY: Why are you here? HARRY: Good question. Sounds crazy, but I don't remember what occurred...between the hours of 2 and 5, a blur. HARMONY: Really? Where's Marleah? HARRY: Marleah? HARMONY: The girl you.... HARRY: Marleah fell asleep at my place and I didn't see you leave- HARMONY: I left when you had your tongue down her throat. HARRY: I did? HARMONY: Yeah. HARRY: God. No, wrong throat, wrong woman. That's bad. HARMONY: Yeah, that's bad. You got 10 seconds, Harry. HARRY: Oh, boy, pressure, pressure. I came here... because I think you're intelligent and attractive- HARMONY:That's plenty. Stop. Oh, my God! I can't believe you'd come here to tell me you like me after you f**ed my friend! HARRY: That's just it, I didn't. I believe that I did not. HARMONY: What? You said you don't remember! HARRY: If I don't remember because I was drunk, how could I have gotten it up? I know this is outrageous and not normal. I'm not pretending that I'm normal. I just chickened out- [Harmony slams the door on him; next we see Harry walking down the street] HARRY: Moron. Why? Why? Why? [He looks down, and then lights a cigarette before walking away] Day two: The Lady in the Lake HARRY (V.O.):And the plots, they all have this thing, this formula that was so cool. [we then see Harry is on the pa**enger seat of Perry's car, which is parked] HARRY: Seriously, I would go through one in a day. PERRY: A whole book in one day. Wow. HARRY:See, Gossamer would always take on two cases that were seemingly unrelated. One's normal and the other's some wild sh**... then you'd find out that they're connected. That it's all one case. That's the essence of the- PERRY: Yeah, I get that all the time. Would you mind not rooting around in there? [Harry finds a small gun in the glove compartment] HARRY: It's tiny. Is this real? PERRY: Yeah, it's a derringer. It's loaded. I call it my f*ggot gun. HARRY: Because? PERRY: It's only good for a couple shots, then you gotta drop it for something better. You asked, chief. [Harry puts it back] On with our lesson. [Harry and Perry leave the car, the latter carrying a briefcase] PERRY: My client is one Allison Ames. A-M-E-S. HARRY: Ames. PERRY: Female. She hired me to do some video surveillance. HARRY: Is she a looker? PERRY: Oh, man. She opens the door, she got nothing on but the radio. Invites me to sit down, sits on my lap... fires up a smoke. HARRY: Really? PERRY: No. Idiot. She hired me over the phone.Paid for it with a credit card. HARRY: Okay. PERRY: Rule number one: This business, real life, it's boring. Do you have to smoke? HARRY: You want me to put it out? PERRY: Yeah, soon as you find a large, brown clump of shrubs, just throw it in there. They are approaching a woodsy house PERRY: So you knew Harmony in high school. You said she dissed you. HARRY: No, not really. She f**ed every other guy but me. No, that's not true. She made one concession. She agreed not to f** my best friend, Chook Chutney. He was my best friend, so she gave me that. PERRY: Well, that was nice of her. HARRY: Even if he asked, she said she wouldn't. PERRY: Stay put. Be quiet. They hide behind a woodpile with a video camera . PERRY:"Chook Chutney"? Yeah, he's gay. Perry comes close to the cottage with a camera, walks back once someone comes out of the house in a ski mask, gets in an old beater car and drives off. HARRY: What's wrong with his car? PERRY: Do I look like a mechanic? Come on. Harry and Perry follow them by car. HARRY: Are we gonna follow him? Where'd he go? He was right in front of us, then he cut in- Where is he? They seem to lose him and stop by a pond next to a low ridge to get their bearings HARRY: What the hell. He's gotta be somewhere. He turned right in front of us. As they look around, the beater car comes shooting airborne over the ridge and lands in the pond. HARRY: Ow! PERRY: Jesus! They quickly leave the car Harry sh**! Harry rushes towards the pond. PERRY: Harry, come back. Harry. There's no one in the car. Harry. HARRY: What? Harry is now waist-deep in the water PERRY: Harry, stop. Harry turns around. HARRY: I think it's going down. PERRY: Wait, the sound. He points to the car HARRY: Check the back seat. PERRY: No, get the keys! The keys! Get the keys! Perry dives into the water. HARRY: Perry. Perry? sh**. Perry! Perry emerges holding a body. It's a woman in a sundress. PERRY: Watch out. HARRY: Where'd she come from? PERRY: She was in the trunk. I had to shoot the lock to get it open. Oh, Jesus. Harry gets her legs so both can leave the body on the sand. PERRY: God, what did they do to her face? Both lie down for a while, recovering their breaths. HARRY: Is she dead? PERRY: No. She's resting her eyes for a minute. Of course she's f**ing dead. Her neck's broken. Harry notices she has no underwear, pulls her skirt down to cover the “parts”. A car breaking is heard. Harry then points up, Perry turns and sees two figures in ski masks appear on top of the ridge. HARRY: Hey, what the hell's going on? PERRY: Shut up. HARRY: Hey, we got a dead girl here! PERRY: Hey, shut up. The masked guys return to their car. HARRY: Two guys in masks, and there they go. PERRY: What the f** is going on? HARRY: This is bad. We gotta roll before the cops come. PERRY: Nix. We go right to the cops. HARRY: Exactly, to the cops who'll believe that she broke her neck before you shot her in the head. PERRY: What? Perry checks the corpse's face, she has a huge gunshot wound above one eye. HARRY: Come on, we gotta go. PERRY: Oh, God. Harry picks up Perry's briefcase and gun HARRY: We gotta go. Go, go, go. PERRY: Oh, God. Oh, God. Harry throws the gun in the lake HARRY: All right, we're out of here. PERRY: We gotta go, go, go. PERRY: Where's my gun? HARRY: No, I- PERRY: Give me my gun. HARRY: I got rid of it. PERRY: Say again. HARRY:Threw it in the lake. You wouldn't, I would.I got priors in New York, so I can't be messing around- PERRY: You threw it away? [Perry tries advancing on Harry, he lifts the metal briefcase to protect himself] HARRY: It's evidence. Watch it. Relax. PERRY: Okay, okay. No, I'm sorry. I got a little nonplussed there. HARRY: This is crazy. I understand. [Perry stares at something in the briefcase] PERRY: Whoa! What is that? Is that a clue? HARRY: What do you mean? PERRY: Do you see that? HARRY: In the thing? [he hits him in the head with the case] PERRY: What were you thinking? My $2000 ceramic Vektor my mother got me as a special gift you threw next to the car. What happens when they drag the lake? You think they'll find my pistol? Jesus. Look up "idiot" in the dictionary. You know what you'll find? HARRY: A picture of me? PERRY: No, the definition of the word "idiot," which you f**ing are. [Perry's car driving away] PERRY (O.S.): b**h client. [cut to inside the car] PERRY: Hires me, has me witness a murder. HARRY: Can I use a dry towel? This towel's wet. PERRY: No. HARRY: This towel is wet. PERRY: The towel is for the seat. HARRY: This was for your shoes. You handed it to me for my face? This is wet. Can I use a dry-? PERRY: It's dirty. No. HARRY: Can I-? PERRY: No. Stop dripping. sh** better be improving your acting. [Perry arrives at the hotel. Harry is asleep in the pa**enger seat, Perry pokes his face] PERRY: Get out. HARRY: Sorry about the gun. PERRY: Whatever. Out. Go. Sleep badly. Any questions, hesitate to call. HARRY: Bad. PERRY: Excuse me? HARRY: Sleep bad. Otherwise, it seems like the mechanism that allows sleep- PERRY: What, f**head? "Badly" is an adverb. Who taught you grammar? Out. Vanish. [Harry opens the door and gets out] HARRY: I'll give you a buzz. PERRY: Die. After Harry is dropped off and is walking away, Perry returns. HARRY: That's all right, don't apologize. [Perry extends Harry's ringing cell phone that was left in the car] PERRY: Blow me. You forgot this. HARRY: Oh, thanks. [Harry answers the phone] Hello? MAN ON PHONE: I'm trying to locate Harry Lockhart. HARRY: Speaking. MAN ON PHONE: I'm detective Sgt. Kale. [Harry pokes Perry's shoulder, wanting him to listen as well] Mind answering a question or two? HARRY: Of course, no problem. Fire away, officer. KALE: Thank you. Are you familiar with a woman by the name of Harmony Faith Lane? HARRY: Yeah, what's this-? KALE: Are you aware of giving your number to Miss Lane recently? On a slip of paper, perhaps? HARRY: No. KALE: Are you sure? HARRY: Well, maybe she had my number. Why? KALE: We're required by law to treat every suicide as a potential homicide. Harmony Lane shot herself, sir. HARRY: Suicide? KALE: Yes-[connection starts to get really bad] HARRY: Hello? Hello? [Harry turns off the call] HARRY: I'll be goddamned. PERRY: Jesus. [a saddened Harry sits, back against the car door] PERRY: Don't blame yourself. Listen... sometimes these things just happen- HARRY: For a reason.For a reason? f** that.Why? Because I fall off a building, 10 people in Baltimor survive a bus crash? Swell, they're enjoying Baltimore. I'm lying here with my brains out. PERRY: I've been to Baltimore, you win. Listen... I'm really sorry. I gotta go. HARRY: Yeah. PERRY: [puts his hand on Harry's shoulder] I gotta go. [pushes Harry's head, making him lean forward] I have to go. With Harry no longer touching his car, Perry drives away A television playing Harmony's commercial. She's dressed as an European milkmaid in a castle full of people in German costumes. A cheesy CGI bear comes out of a cake carrying bottles of beer, leading Harmony to wave. The bear throws the bottles to the people there, who proceed to dance and party. As shots of beer being poured into a gla** are shown, we hear the announcer. ANNOUNCER: Genaros. Pure drinking pleasure. Cut to the bear in front of Harmony, who just keeps laughing. BEAR: I prefer Genaros. But what do I know? I'm a bear. I s** the heads off fish. The bear shows a fish in his paw, puts it in his mouth and removes it decapitated. Harmony turns to the camera and laughs one more time as the announcer says “Genaros”. A heartbroken Harry enters his hotel room. HARRY (V.O.): I was tired. I was pissed. I was wetter than Drew Barrymore at a grunge club. [Harry empties his pockets in a table] I needed a hot bath, a warm bed. [he sees a gift basket and a champagne bottle on said table, grabs the latter] [Harry drowning his sorrows with champagne, while smoking and talking on the phone] HARRY (V.O.):But the night had other plans for me. HARRY: Oh, you did? CHLOE: I got the Cyber Agent. HARRY: You got the Cyber Agent. CHLOE: It has all the cool weapons. HARRY: You got Protocop coming too. It's gonna be worth more too because I think he's, like, paralyzed now. [knocking on the door; he opens, it's a wet and depressed Harmony] HARRY: [shocked] Son of a b**h! HARRY (V.O.): See, I forgot, old Jonny, he always had two cases. Remember? [Harry hugs Harmony] HARRY: How are you? HARMONY: Hey. She's gone, Harry. HARRY: Yeah. HARMONY: She's gone. HARRY: I know. Who? [Flashback, Harmony questioned by cops in front of an apartment ] COP: Fact is, she stole not only your credit card, but your ID. We're very sorry about the mix-up on our part. [Harmony gets sad before the camera cuts to inside the apartment, where cops are inspecting the place, a rifle lies on the bed, and the legs of a stretched body are seen on the floor] COP (O.S.): So are you willing to positively identify this woman as your- Back to Harry's apartment, where Harmony is smoking, screaming, and running back and forth. HARMONY: My sister! HARRY: Your sister was here? HARMONY: Yes!Oh, God! God, we haven't spoken in years. She's never forgiven me for leaving her all alone. HARRY: Fine. I'm just gonna get you a blanket. HARMONY: I don't want a blanket! HARRY: But you're shivering. HARMONY: I don't care! HARRY: You're freaking me out. Will you relax, okay? HARMONY: Oh, God. HARRY: I'm so glad that you're okay, but now, I don't know, you're making me more nervous. Sit down. HARMONY: Okay. HARRY: Tell me what happened. HARMONY: Yesterday, Jenna, she got into my house, Harry. She must have been broke, I don't know. She swiped 200 bucks, a credit card, California ID, God knows what else. HARRY: Right. HARMONY: Oh, God. No more lies, Harry. HARRY: No. No. HARMONY: Are you a detective? [inhales from the cigarette] Are you a detective? HARRY: Who told you that? [takes a sip from the champagne gla**] HARMONY: Flicka. Flicka. You know, my friend? She told me. She told me you were a detective. If you are, then I really need your help. HARRY: Well- [Harmony tries to drink out of the gla** Harry just emptied] HARRY: That's empty, honey. [Harmony gets up, starts talking while wildly gesturing] HARMONY: Okay, I know this sounds crazy, Harry, but listen. Okay. Okay.My sister's been living out here.... HARRY (V.O.): Harmony's sister, dead. What the hell? What was she even doing here? The lady in the lake, now the sister.This was two corpses in three hours. Am I crazy? That's unusual, right?Yeah, looking back, I maybe should've told her... [Harry had been staring at Harmony's cleavage, and a breast is escaping] HARRY (V.O.):...I wasn't really a nipple- Detective. Detective. Sorry. I should've said something, but she wouldn't shut up. HARMONY: The card she stole from me was maxed out! Right before she died, she charged over $2000 on it. That's weird, isn't it? Sentron something. Some bullsh** company! Plus- Red flag, Harry. She took her birth control pill for the day. Why would she even bother with the pill, huh? She was murdered, Harry. She was murdered. She was murdered. HARRY: Honey, all right. Relax, relax, relax. Okay, relax. HARMONY: Are you gonna help me, Harry? (She gets her face close to Harry's) HARRY: I gotta check my schedule- HARMONY: If you're not gonna help me... I need to get out of here, find someone that'll help me. HARRY: I just gotta check my schedule. HARMONY: Can you help me? If you're not gonna help me, I need to find somebody else! HARRY: My caseload is pretty- HARMONY: Oh, Harry, thank you. [Harmony pa**es out. Harry carries her to bed, dries her with a towel, then opens her wet shirt. He then sees a spider walk from Harmony's neck to her chest] HARRY: Yuck, come on. [Harry tries to flick the spider off, then it enters Harmony's bra. He searches for its location, and hits her breast, causing Harmony to wake up screaming.] HARRY:It was nothing. I didn't do anything. HARMONY: What are you doing? HARRY:I didn't do anything. HARMONY: You were grabbing my tit. HARRY:No, there was a spider. There was a big spider. HARMONY: Oh, please, whatever. HARRY: I swear to God. [he tries to find it on the bed's side] HARRY: Look, I'll find it. I'll find the thing. Where are you? Fuzzy little b**h. HARMONY: Whatever. It's okay, I believe you. HARRY: Clearly, you don't. HARMONY: Look, Harry, you grabbed my tit. It's life, all right? It's no biggie. HARRY: No biggie? Guy grabs your tit, "That's life, no biggie"? I mean, what kind of talk is that? [Harmony laughs] No, you tell me. What kind of talk is that? I can't believe you. I can't believe that that's the reaction that- [she finds a spider leg near her nipple] HARMONY: See there? HARRY:Yeah. HARMONY: I trust you. HARRY: Right. HARMONY: What is your problem? I'm letting you off the hook. You didn't do anything. HARRY: No, but you thought I did. Do you get it? I'm on the hook. The hook is my home. Do you understand? [she laughs] Listen to me. I grab your tit, it's a f**ing biggie! That came out wrong. But what I'm saying is you act like, "Oops, it's an okay lapse. You know, everybody does it. " What the f** kind of guys you hang out with here? I mean, are you the kind of girl who like, you know...? HARMONY: Who what, Harry? Who what? HARRY: Forget it. I'm sorry, just relax. Harry heads to the loo. The bathroom is long and deep with the toilet on the far end, a bathtub to the left of the toilet and a towel closet to the right of the toilet. HARRY: Just get some rest, okay? Okay, we'll start on your case tomorrow. All right? Afternoon good? HARMONY: Whatever, Harry. I'm going. HARRY: Okay. HARMONY: I'm taking some sweats, all right? HARRY: Yeah, anything you want to borrow. HARMONY: I'll give them back. HARRY: Yeah. Yeah, anything in the drawer. If it's in the drawer, it's clean. Harry is relieving himself standing up when something on the left catches his eye. He turns to look without interrupting the stream. It's the corpse from the car trunk, someone's stashed it in his bathroom. He winds up covering the with pee.] HARMONY: Night, Harry. Harry? This is....This is really great. HARRY: Isn't it? HARMONY: I'm leaving. HARRY: Yeah, some nice rest. HARMONY: Bye. [Harry falls grabbing his stomach, clearly retching] HARRY: f** off-! [Perry in his car] PERRY: Say again? They gave her back? [Harry crawled into the towel closet] HARRY: Yes. She's in my shower. I'm looking at her, for chrissake. PERRY: That's impossible. They don't even know you. HARRY: You're right. The body can't be here. This is all a dream. There's Elmo the elf. Good morning, Elmo! What's new? PERRY: Shut up. How did they get in? HARRY: I don't know. How am I supposed to know? The goddamn fire escape, maybe. PERRY:Okay, first things first. We gotta move her somewhere. You got gloves? HARRY: Excuse me? PERRY: Gloves. Do you have gloves? You have to move her. If it's a frame-up, some a**hole's calling the cops on you right now. Do this: Wrap up the body in a blanket, a sheet, anything. HARRY: Okay, any particular kind of gloves? PERRY: Yes, fawn. Will you f**ing hurry? HARRY: Perry? PERRY: Yeah? HARRY: I peed on it. PERRY: What? You peed on what? HARRY: I peed on the corpse. Can they do, like, an ID from that? PERRY: I'm sorry, you peed on-? HARRY: On the corpse. My question is- PERRY: No, my question. I get to go first. Why in poo-perfect hell would you pee on a corpse? HARRY: It's not like I did it for kicks. God, you said this doesn't happen. This is your fault! PERRY: Shut up and listen. First, we have to wrap the body. Second, you've got to find the gun. Say this with me, "Find the gun. " HARRY: Find the gun, find the gun. Damn it, I threw it in the lake. PERRY:Not my gun, idiot. They dropped the body on you, it's a frame-up. Then they also have planted a gun, trust me. Move it. I'll be there in four minutes. [Perry driving to the hotel, then Harry searching for a gun. Harry quickly finds it under the bed.] [Down in the hotel lobby Harmony is just leaving as the cops arrive, and talk to the clerk] COP: Caller specified room 714, some sort of brawl or something. Violent. CLERK: Yeah, 714. Lockhart. Let me get you the key. HARMONY: Actually, it's not 714, it's 514. I was just up there, and it's really noisy. COP: Let's get the key. HARMONY: Yep, pretty awful. [Harmony calls Harry as Perry rushes behind her. Perry comes out of the elevator in the seventh floor, and is then seen walking along with Harry to the bathroom, while Harry's phone rings] PERRY: Don't answer that. HARRY: Yeah, duh. [inside the bathtub, the corpse is wrapped in a towel] PERRY: That it? HARRY: No, that's the corpse from the last guy who stayed here. PERRY: f** off. Was there a gun? [they bundle up the corpse again] HARRY:Yeah, it's right here. Perry, sons of b**hes made us, made me. I'm in town for two days, they know who I am and where to find me. Come on! PERRY: That's impossible. HARRY: Yeah, it's totally nuts. PERRY: Back stairway. [They're running in the corridor while carrying the wrapped body] HARRY:I forgot to tell you, Harmony's alive. She thinks her sister was murdered. PERRY: Come again? HARRY:Never mind. [They can't figure out how to get it out of the hotel. Upon seeing a sign reading “Roof Access” they stare at each other…] Cut to: OUTSIDE [The body is seen falling from the roof, aiming for a dumpster in an alley. It misses and bounces off the edge of the dumpster.] [Harry and Perry rush down the stairs. Then Perry's car is seen backing into the alley.] HARRY: See, these dudes tonight, they see two a**holes out of nowhere. What do they think? PERRY: They think we know something. They panic. They got a body, they've gotta dispose of the evidence. HARRY:In my shower? Come on, you said real life. PERRY: They were setting you up, dummy. It happens in real life. HARRY: They're not setting me up. Shut up. You change your tune every five minutes. [They shove the body into the trunk of the car… just at that moment the police drive by.] PERRY:Kiss me. HARRY:What? No, no, no. [Perry grabs Harry and kisses him. We see the cops from inside their car…] COP: Check out Doris and Lucinda over here. [The cops drive away. A disgusted Harry breaks the kiss, spits and wipes his mouth] HARRY:These lessons s**. I quit. This is not being a detective. Corpses floating in lakes, people kissing people. This is wrong. This is every shade of wrong. HARMONY (OS): Somebody wanna fill me in? [Harmony is standing right behind them] HARRY:[to Perry] She thinks I'm a detective, so go along with it. PERRY: What? HARRY:Don't f** me up. [Harry runs towards Harmony] HARRY:Hey. HARMONY: Do you know the cops are looking for you, Harry? HARRY:They are? HARMONY: Yeah. I sent them to the wrong room. I didn't know what else to do. HARRY:You did fine. Perry and I, we're just- HARMONY: Hiya, Perry. [Perry salutes as he's adjusting the body and closing the trunk] HARRY:We're just running, you know, a game.Perry, what do you call it? HARMONY: What are you talking about, Harry? HARRY:The old Bring Them In and Push Them Out. That's what we're doing. HARMONY: What's going on? Why are you and Perry nacking on each other? [Perry's car driving away] HARRY (V.O.): I sent her home believing, A, we'd meet tomorrow to go over her case, and, B, I wasn't actually gay. Do not ask me how I did B. [inside the car] HARRY:Why didn't we just leave it there? PERRY: Think, dummy. A 911 call from your hotel room, all of a sudden, there's a corpse outside? Bad idea. Speaking of bad ideas, what's this about you taking on your own case? Of all the dipsh** things to do.k**ed herself, by the way. HARRY:Huh? PERRY:k**ed herself. I solved your case for you. HARRY: No, no, no. Harmony's convinced- PERRY: I don't care about- Listen to me. Little sis punched her own ticket. HARRY: Okay. Gotcha. PERRY: All right, this looks good up ahead. Time to lose the luggage. [Harry walks out, opens the trunk] HARRY: Sorry, sweetheart. You deserved better. [Harry closes the door, having ditched the body at a random street side location.] Day Three: The Little Sister HARMONY (V.O.): Before I left, I got her into foster care. I've never told you just how awful he treated her. My dad, I'm talking about. Harry and Harmony are in the restaurant of his hotel. HARRY:I'll tell you what, I take notes, in general, so if you're just real specific, thorough and precise, that'll help. HARMONY: I remember only lying to her one time. I said to her: "Maybe the man who is living here is not your father." HARRY:You told your sister she was adopted, yeah? HARMONY: No, I did one better. I told her her real father was an actor who was in the movie that came through town. HARRY: Jonny Gossamer- HARMONY: Jonny Gossamer movie. That's right. I told Jenna one day she'd go to Hollywood and she'd meet her famous, real father. [Flashback to Jenna's crime scene. On the apartment's blood-spattered board, there was the front page of an Embry newspaper from 1980, with the headline “Los Angeles Film Crew Invades Embry”] HARMONY: She believed me, Harry, and she came out here looking for him. HARRY:Okay, this is a bunch. I can start my process, I guess. [we see Harry's notes… a cat with a human face, alongside a caption reading “Gato!”] HARMONY: Thank you. HARRY:I'm on the case. [puts the lap napkin in front of his hand] Here is my card. [once he pulls the napkin, the hand's holding a paper napkin reading “The Amazing Harold”] It's a magic card, so... HARMONY: Wow, "the Amazing Harold. "[she takes the napkin] HARRY: Just say "abracadabra. " HARMONY: What happened, somebody sue you? It used to be "alakazam" when you cut me in half. And, not to be picky, but it was "Harold the Great. " HARRY:No, I used to be great, now I'm amazing. Get with it. [Harry's phone rings] PERRY:Hi, it's me. You hear anything? HARRY:No, there's nothing in the papers, so.... I'm busy working on Harmony's case. PERRY:What case? Leave her alone. News on Channel 5, just starting. Call me after. [Harry goes to a nearby television, Harmony eventually gets by his side] REPORTER: -a kidnapping gone wrong. It is unclear why his daughter was subsequently murdered or where for she was almost certainly k**ed and then moved, police sources say. Veronica Dexter was reported missing yesterday afternoon when she failed to greet her boyfriend at the airport. Miss Dexter recently made headlines when she returned from Paris and withdrew her multimillion-dollar lawsuit against her father actor-turned-entrepreneur Harlan Dexter. Mr. Dexter owns the prestigious Dexter Clinic. His wife died last spring, prompting Veronica's return to the U.S. and a father-daughter reconciliation following years of estrangement. Veronica Dexter, 25 years old yesterday. Paul. Cut to: BUILDING BALCONY Harry and Perry are talking. HARRY:We were just at that party. Are you telling me...that the girl in the lake, that was Veronica Dexter? PERRY: Positive ID, scars, dental records. HARRY: You talked to your police guy? PERRY: Yeah, not much there. The lab report came back, no sign of rape. Boils down to this: Veronica Dexter, yesterday afternoon about 4:30, left her home.Went off to the airport, pick up some dude, old boyfriend. Off she went. HARRY: That was the last anybody saw of her? PERRY: With a symmetrical, ungooshed head. HARRY:Police ever find the car? PERRY: No, genius, that was us. Remember? HARRY:Oh, yeah, right. PERRY: The k**ers were at the party, Harry. HARRY: They were? The k**ers were at Dexter's? PERRY: That's how they recognized you. It's getting too scary. You gotta bail. Get a flight out, today. HARRY:But I got my screen test Tuesday. I'll go Wednesday. PERRY: You're not getting the part. HARRY: f** off. Don't be a schmuck. PERRY: You're not gonna get the part HARRY: I know it's a long shot. I know I'm no Brando… PERRY: It's not a long shot. Harry! You're not listening to me. You won't get the- Harry! HARRY! You're not gonna get the part, okay? [covers Harry's mouth] Colin Farrell wants too much money. Do you get me now? Dabney, he unearths a discovery. New kid, works for cheap. Flies him out here, high profile, parties, screen tests, detective lessons, all of it. You were just being used. Shave a couple million off of Colin Farrell's price tag. Sorry, chief. There it is. I'm not gonna lie to you anymore. I understand if you wanna take a swing at me. [Harry punches him in the jaw] PERRY: You f**! HARRY: You sissy b**h! PERRY: Stop. [Perry takes the advantage, holds Harry in an armlock] Don't bother asking Harmony out on your date. She wasn't very happy to find out that you're not a detective, that you lied. HARRY: You told her? PERRY: Pick those up.Pick them up. HARRY:Why did you tell her? You didn't have to tell her. I am an idiot. I thought we were friends. PERRY: We're not friends. HARRY:I was in trouble, you were there for me. PERRY:No, I was- Stop speaking. I was there protecting my employer, Dabney. Hello. He pays me to insulate him from corpses. I'm not a nice man, Harry. Go home before something bad happens to you. HARRY:What, are you threatening me? PERRY: No, moron.Go home before the bad guys do something bad to you. HARRY:Right, I get it. Fine. PERRY:Merry Christmas. Sorry I f**ed you over. HARRY:No problem. Don't quit your gay job. Cut to AIRPORT, night Harry snoozing, then we hear a PA announcing of a flight to Denver that just arrived. While he's waiting for his flight he sees Flicka and tries to chat her up. HARRY:Hey, Flicka. Hey, it's me, Harry. Remember me? What's up, honey? How are you? FLICKA: She doesn't want to talk to you. HARRY: Oh, no, no. I know.Did you ever think maybe I don't want to talk to her? I just saw your really distinctive ears.You look different,but it's obviously Flicka. Maybe it's you I'm interested in. FLICKA: Is that true? HARRY:Not really. Look, she must have a cell phone, right? She must. FLICKA: Forget it. This is between you two. HARRY:Look, I got a ticket. I am leaving. I'm going back to the East Coast, and that's- No? Come on, I just want to say something to her. Just anything before I split. I'm begging you. Come on, help me out. FLICKA: I'm gonna regret this. HARRY: No, you're not and that is a very smart suit, by the way. FLICKA: It's not here, that's funny. HARRY:What's funny? FLICKA: Nothing. It's just under her stage name. HARRY:Oh, God. Everyone's got a stage name. What's her stage name? FLICKA: Ames. Allison Ames. HARRY: Okay, well, I'll just write it down and then- Hey! Say that name again. FLICKA: Allison Ames. HARRY: Allison Ames. A-M-E-S. That's Harmony's stage name. FLICKA: I just said that. HARRY:That's the name on her credit cards. FLICKA:How am I supposed to know? HARRY: f**! [starts running] Thanks, honey. Gotta roll. Later. Harry in a cab, talking on the cellphone. We hear Perry's voice in an answering machine PERRY (O.S.): You have reached the offices of Sentron, Inc. Leave a message. HARRY: Newsflash, Perry. Your client, Ames, it was the little sister. Repeat, the little sister. That's where Harmony's 2 grand went. It's in your bank, you overpriced ba*tard. Her kid sister hired you. Do you get this? Your case and my case are the same f**ing case. Harmony's door again. A distressed Harry pounds the door HARRY: Come on! [She angrily opens the door] HARMONY: Get out of my life! HARRY:I'm at the airport, right, and I run into Flicka, and she says- She slams the door on him… and opens it again shortly afterwards HARMONY: Did I just cut off your finger? HARRY:Yeah. It's on the floor, to my periph- I don't wanna see it. Pick it up, put it on ice. [Harmony picks up the severed bit, a joint and a half of his left ring finger] Thanks. He walks into the house, Harmony still angry. Cut to HOSPITAL The finger is precariously sewn back on and lightly bandaged up as Harmony's voice is heard. HARMONY (VO): You're a genius, Harry. You're a genius. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry I had to bail on you, but I had to go to work. I am going nuts here. I can't stop thinking about this. Now he's in the back of a cab, in a phone call with Harmony. HARMONY (OS): What's my sister's connection to Veronica Dexter? She predicted that murder, Harry. She sent you and Perry to that exact spot. HARRY:Yeah, that whole thing is wild. You know what else is nuts? You cut off my finger! [Harmony is in a party, dressed in a s**y Santa Claus outfit] HARMONY: Oh, God, Harry, I am so sorry about that. How is it? HARRY:It's fine. It's all shut up. They gave me paink**ers. I can't feel a thing. Where's Perry? We gotta find him. HARMONY: Perry's coming by here. I'm working a party on Sunset Plaza. Listen. Remember you said the k**er may have been at Dexter's party? Well, that whole bunch is here tonight. HARRY: Honey, put me on the list, I'm gonna drop by. I'll see if I can stir up the kettle, stick out my hat, see if anyone shoots at it. HARMONY: Maybe you could put the hat in the kettle and if they shoot at it, it'll ricochet. Harry, you sound trashed. HARRY: [laughing] Give me the address. I'm coming. Harry heads over (High as a kite) to the party. HARRY (V.O.): I showed up mildly whacked on Demerol thinking Harmony's theory wasn't so crazy. [Holiday-themed fancy party. A pretty blonde says “Hi” to Harry as he pa**es by. Harry stands near a cage where a dancer is dressed as a Christmas angel.] HARRY (V.O.): What if little sis had been murdered by the same a**holes who offed Veronica Dexter? Remember? With the ski masks, those dudes. Then and there, I made a decision. If it f**ing k**ed me, I would not stop until I got, like, two more Demerol. No, seriously, I was on the case. Harry Lockhart, L.A.P.I. [Harry continues to check on his bizarre surroundings - a gla** cube where two half naked men do a weird dance, a half-naked woman posing as the Virgin Mary, dancers dressed as candy cane… - until Harmony comes from behind and pokes his shoulder. When he turns, she's holding an paper bag] HARMONY: Harry, I got it. HARRY:What do you got? HARMONY: Just now. My friend Tiff does the video dubbing at Fox. [he looks inside thebag] HARRY:"Lord of the co*k Rings. " HARMONY: No, Harry, it's a fake label. Copyright infringement, she'd get fired. It's a Jonny Gossamer movie.If Jenna was hunting her mystery dad, this is where she would start, right? [Harry starts an intoxicated laugh] Jesus, don't patronize me! HARRY: I'm not. HARMONY: You're patronizing me. HARRY: No, I'm not. It's just a funny little buzz. [the pretty blonde drops by] BLONDE: I don't know if this guy's your boyfriend or not but when you were in the bathroom, he was checking me out. HARRY:What? HARMONY: Harry! HARRY:What is it out here with these women? HARMONY: Please, they're no diferente from anywhere else. HARRY:They are. These are damaged goods, every one of them, from way back. Take a guy who sleeps with 100 women a year, go into his childhood, dollars to doughnuts, it's relatively unspectacular. [puts a cigarette on his mouth] Now, you take one of these gals who sleeps with 100 guys a year and I bet you if you look in their childhood there's something rotten in Denver. HARMONY: Denmark. HARRY: [closes lighter] That too. But it's abandonment, it's abuse. It's, "My uncle put his ping-ping in my papa." Then they all come out here. It's like someone took America by the East Coast and shook it and all the normal girls managed to hang on. HARMONY: Okay, everybody who hates Harry here raise their hand. [all the girls in the club raise their hands. Perry walks in] PERRY: See that? Obedient little b**hes too. GIRL (O.S.): f** you! [throws a gla**, which he dodges] HARRY: Hey. PERRY: Okay, you've got 30 of my f**ing seconds, thrill me. Cut to KITCHEN Harry is putting the “Lord of the co*k Rings” tape on a TV, Harmony gives him a paper HARMONY: All right, guys, cast list. Perry, catch.[throws him something] That's the credit card my sister used to hire you. Close on the “Allison Ames” credit card PERRY:So who's in this cinematic milestone, anyway? HARRY: We got a Michael Beck, [Close on the cast list, printed off IMDB] whoever that is. PERRY: He's the star of Xanadu, with Olivia Newton-John and Gene Kelly. HARRY: [mouthing] Gay. [Harmony chuckles] PERRY: What? HARRY: Nothing. HARMONY: Perry, listen up. I know this is a long shot, but indulge me, please. HARRY:We gotta lose the hat. I'm sorry, honey, I can't- [Harry pulls Harmony's Santa hood] HARMONY: God, Harry, I'm working! HARRY: I know, but just forget it. HARMONY: Seriously, don't jump all over me. Just pay attention. Watch it, please. [Perry, who was seeming disinterested, changes his expression once he looks at the movie] PERRY: That's Harlan Dexter. HARMONY: What? HARRY: Who's Har-? What? PERRY: Look, that's- He's 20 years younger, but that's Harlan Dexter. Harlan Dexter is indeed the Johnny Gossamer of the movie GOSSAMER: Always sees the inside of a police van. Harmony is shocked, puts her hand on her forehead HARMONY: No way. HARRY: Wow. This kind of makes sense. He had the Gossamer books at his house. PERRY: Used to be an actor. HARMONY: Jesus, Harry. I remember him now. 1980. Oh, my God, I saw him like this. Young. PERRY: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where? HARMONY: In Indiana. He was there with the movie crew. Remember, I told you he looked familiar. Oh, God, this can't be true. HARRY: And your sister has to have seen this, so you know what it comes down to. You tell your sister a fairy tale about her real father- PERRY: And 20 years later, she comes out to L.A. hunting Harlan Dexter. Back to the PARTY PERRY: I've got a surveillance in MacArthur Park. I gotta follow some chick around till midnight. Do not play detective. This is not a book. This is not a movie. HARRY:We got it. Do you think I'm stupid? PERRY: You wouldn't know where to feed yourself if you didn't flap your mouth so much. Yes, I think you're stupid. [Perry leaves] HARMONY: Harry, don't listen to a word he says, all right? We're getting somewhere. I'll call you tomorrow. I'm going back to work. HARRY:Good. [Harmony leaves, Harry wanders off, and stops to look at a dancer dressed like a deer. He is then jumped by two thugs, a white guy, and a black one.] HARRY: Excuse me. THUG 1: What's up, baby? How you feeling? HARRY:I'm just gonna- THUG 2: Come and take a walk. Walk with me. HARRY: Great, this is f**ing rich. Cut to ROOM Harry is forced by the duo to sit on a fancy chair in an empty room filled with stuff THUG 2: Well, now, here we all are: Ike, Mike and Mustard. HARRY:What the hell does that mean? THUG 1: I'm with him on this one. That's pretty f**ing obscure. THUG 2: Horsesh**. I hear that all the time. THUG 1: You do? THUG 2: Yeah, sure. THUG 1: Where? At the 1942 Club? THUG 2: Just because you didn't get in… THUG 1: Motherf**er, I could've gotten in… [Harry tries to make a break for it. The tall goon pushes him back] THUG 1: Hey-ey-EY! Slow your roll, man! HARRY:This is bullsh**. What will you do, take me out here? There's sec- The short goon punches the bandaged hand, Harry groans THUG 1:Keep talking. Keep talking. THUG 2: You wanna know who we are? I'm the frying pan, see? And my boy over here- He's… THUG 1: Mustard. I'm Mustard, baby. HARRY:Sure. MR. FRYING PAN: He's the fire. f** you, Mr. Mustard. MR. FIRE: Here we go. MR. FRYING PAN: Now, me and my man, we're puzzled lately by your behavior, such as- MR. FIRE: Such as why is a savvy, stand-up cat like yourself consorting with gay men? Frolicking in the lake and sh** together. What is that? HARRY:You're the guys who were wearing the masks. [Frying Pan presses the bandaged hand] MR. FIRE: You don't ask the questions. MR. FRYING PAN: Don't ask questions. Harry's hand is released, the bandage is all bloodied HARRY:God, you just tore up my f**ing finger! I just got this fixed. Jesus! MR. FRYING PAN: I bet there's a doctor in New York, clear that sh** right up. MR. FIRE: Clear it right up. ”Fire\Mustard” punches him in the face MR. FIRE: L.A. don't want you no more, tough guy. MR. FRYING PAN: All right? [they leave] Cut to STREET Harmony's car driving away HARRY (O.S.): How much further to the hospital? Harry is in the backseat while Harmony tries taking him to the hospital. HARMONY: Five minutes away. Talk to me. Our mascot, back in high school, who was it? Come on, Harry, stay with me. [Flashback to the high school years, man dressed as a knight jumps in front of a ”THE EMBREY KNIGHTS” sign] HARRY: Whitey, the white knight. Whitey. I guess it's better than calling him "Knighty." Then it'd be Knighty Knight. Soon it'd be Toodles, and then Ta-Ta. It's very emasculating. [a car pa**es in front of them] HARMONY: Harry, that's them. Twelve o'clock. [Harry sits uptight] HARMONY: You said it's a black guy and a white guy? HARRY: Oh yeah, yeah. You're right. Get the plate, call the cops. HARMONY: Let me find a pen. [Harmony leans forward] HARRY: No. Whatever. Watch the road. Are we slowing down? HARMONY: No, I'm getting a pen. HARRY: Are you following them? Better not be. HARRY:Tell me you're not following them. HARMONY: I'm not! I'm taking you to the hospital. [Harmony puts the hand back on the wheel] HARMONY: Oh, sh**. They're turning. HARRY:What? HARMONY: Holy sh**. [street sign reading “MacArthur Park”] HARMONY: Perry's stakeout. It's a setup. They're going to MacArthur Park after Perry! HARRY: Wait a second! My finger's hanging off. We gotta move on this. HARMONY: We're gonna go save Perry, really quickly. Then we'll go fix your finger. It'll be like, "Hey, Perry, look out. " Boom, back in the car. All right? Cool? HARRY: Yeah. This is exhausting. Harmony parks by the sidewalk. “Mr. Fire” is standing near the parked car. HARMONY: Bingo. All right. All right, Harry. Twelve o'clock, that's them. One of them is on foot. The car moves, “Mustard” walks too. Harmony opens the door HARMONY: God, Harry. sh**, if I leave the keys, can you take yourself to the hospital? HARRY: Oh, yeah, sure. HARMONY: All right, good.I got the gun you gave me. HARRY:You what? [Harmony walks in front of the windshield, pistol in one hand, and gives a thumbs-up with the other. Harry pa**es out in the back seat.] Cut to PARK Harmony is entering the park. A girl with pink hair (Shannyn Sossomon) shows up and Perry starts following her. She purposefully leads him under a bridge where the black thug is, gesturing to him. Harmony sees the white thug is driving up behind Perry - starting to line up in order to run Perry over. HARMONY: Perry! She's jumped by the black thug MR. FIRE: Now, where you going? He throws her on the ground, starts strangling Harmony. MR. FIRE: No, no, no. Don't fight it. Let it happen, baby. Harmony kicks him in the balls, he releases her. She manages to get atop him better of him and knock him out with a headbu*t. She gets “Mustard's” gun and points it at him, but decides to just run for Perry. HARMONY: Perry! After getting nearly ran over by the bridge's traffic, Harmony finally gets to the other side. HARMONY: Perry, watch out! Goddamn it, turn around! While jumping off the bridge, Harmony falls and drops the gun. It accidentally fires, hitting a parked car and catching Perry's attention - he spots the approaching car and leaps out of the way. The driver careers toward a hot dog stand destroying tables HOT DOG VENDOR: Son of a b**h! Mr. Frying Pan leaves the car, gun in hand, approaches Perry who's also pointing his pistol at him… and then the hot dog vendor takes out a gun of his own and shoots the thug dead. HOT DOG VENDOR: How about that, you f**ing animals! Goddamn co*ks**ers. In the chaos, the girl with pink hair runs around looking for an escape. She finds a car with the door open and the keys still in it. Of course, it's Harmony's car with Harry pa**ed out in the back seat. The car leaves. Back in the car, Harmony runs towards Perry, having just returned from where she left the other thug HARMONY: Perry. PERRY: Where the hell did you come from? HARMONY: He got away. PERRY: It's okay. You did good. HARMONY: I couldn't shoot him, Perry. Oh, God. PERRY: You did fine. You did fine. PERRY: We gotta go now. Cut to: GARAGE Harry wakes up some hours later in the back seat of the car in a strange garage in a strange house totally confused (which must mean he got there the entire way without the pink-haired girl seeing him lying asleep in the backseat...) He walks around inside calling out for help. HARRY:Hello?Anyone home?Hello?Anyone home? I got an injury problem. Hello. [As Harry hears people approaching, he hides under a bed. He hears them talking.] MR. FIRE: All right, first things first. You've gotta ditch that car. PINK WIG: I know, I know. I've- I know you said that there was gonna be consequences, but f**. I saw him shot to d**h. I was scared. MR. FIRE: Look, it's okay, yeah. We can absolutely talk about it, all right? [They are now right by the bed] PINK WIG: Thank you. Thank you so much.It's nothing against your boss. I'm grateful. I just- MR. FIRE: I spoke to him. You'll never have to go through anything like that again. I swear. PINK WIG: Promise? MR. FIRE: Yep. [Gunshot. The pink haired girl falls in front of Harry.] PINK WIG: Who are you? Who are you? Who-? [Harry holds his fingers to her lips as she mutters before dying. The thug runs off to get something to wrap the body with. So Harry, in a daze, gets out from under the bed. He sees “MR. FIRE”\”MR. Mustard”] MR. FIRE: Well, hey. So you still here, huh, tough guy? [Harry sees the thug's gun on the bed.] MR. FIRE: Oh, you got a gun, I see. Well, damn, you are tough. [Harry shoots him in the chest repeatedly. He dies falling upon a gla** table] [Harry sits next to Pink Wig, cleans off the gun, and puts the girl's fingerprints on it so the police will think she and the thug k**ed each other.] HARRY: Sorry. Harry goes to the kitchen, puts the severed finger in a bowl with ice. He turns to get some water. HARRY: f**. A dog comes up and grabs the finger. Harry turns around, sees the bowl was a dog one, and then notices his limb on the dog's mouth. HARRY: Hey. Hey! Sit. [the dog runs, Harry whistles] [As the dog stands from a distance of Harry, his phone rings.] HARRY: Yeah? What? PERRY: Where the hell are you? HARRY:I'm with one of the kidnappers. One of them, anyhow. I shot him. He's dead.[to the dog] Come here, you f**. PERRY: Jesus, Harry. Wipe the place clean and get out of there. HARRY:I want to, but I can't. PERRY: So do it. HARRY:My fingerprint's here. The f**ing dog's got it. PERRY: No one's gonna dust the f**ing dog. HARRY:He's got the finger, a**hole with the print part. PERRY: Get the finger, k** the dog, get out. HARRY:Hang on. [the dog swallows the finger ] sh**. Well, I think.... I think we're safe. [ Harry seems resigned to its loss] PERRY:Harry? Harry? HARRY:Hey, Perry, I shot a guy. I never did that before. PERRY: Harry, listen… Just as he's about to break in tears, he turns off the call and the dog approaches. He embraces the puppy. Aerial shot of dawn arriving in Los Angeles, as a reporter is heard. REPORTER (V.O.): link to the items found in the Silver Lake home to the kidnap-murder of socialite Veronica Dexter. Cut to LOBBY The lobby of Harry's hotel is playing the news, while Harry, Harmony and Perry are seated in the couches. REPORTER:Police theorize a falling out between the kidnappers, resulting in at least two d**hs, and possibly a third tonight. PERRY: So this evening, was it Jonny Gossamer enough for you? HARRY:To tell you the truth, Jonny Gossamer always has a way bigger ending.There's always the part where the guy gets tortured. HARMONY:Yeah, tortured, sure. Then he usually breaks free and shoots, like, 16 guys. HARRY:Yeah, 16 guys. It's always 16. That's funny. So this thing, it's over, right? They say the kidnappers are all dead, so.... PERRY:Well, Harry, I'd be lying to you if I didn't say that I still didn't have a few questions. HARRY: What do you mean? PERRY:Harmony's sister. If she stumbles on a murder plot, why hire me to film it? Why not simply go to the police? HARMONY: Right. And I still think this Veronica Dexter father-daughter business is wa*ky. HARRY: So the whole reconcilement thing? PERRY: "Reconciliation," idiot. Yep. She comes back to the States, drops the lawsuit, moves in with her father.Suddenly they're inseparable? HARRY: So, what are you saying? We're gonna, like, probe deeper? PERRY: Absolutely not. HARMONY: What? Perry, what are you talking about? My sister paid you. What, you're gonna bail? PERRY: Harmony do you want your sister's money back? Done. In the meantime, back off. Before you get me and Harry k**ed. He walks away. Cut to HOTEL FRONT Harmony waits for a cab, Harry runs to her. HARRY: Pardon me.Hey, I lucked out. They gave me the same room. HARMONY: Lucky you. HARRY: It's pretty good. You wanna come up? HARMONY: No, I don't wanna come up. Why would I go up there? HARRY: You got time? They cleaned it. HARMONY: The car is coming. I'm going. Jesus. [Harry, looking defeated, starts to walk away] HARMONY:You know what, Harry? Stop. [she turns around]Why'd you lie to me? HARRY:It was an excuse to stay around you. So I think, in the realm of lies- HARMONY: You are such a dumb-a**. I am so not who you think I am, Harry. HARRY:And who would that be? HARMONY:You think I'm- You think I'm amazing. You do. You think I'm so amazing because that's who I told you I'd be. Yeah, that was the game plan. HARRY:You know what? It worked. HARMONY: No one else thinks so. HARRY:My opinion doesn't count? HARMONY: No, it doesn't. Because you're new here. Look around, there's younger and better. HARRY:I don't want younger and better, I want you. I'm such a moron. I'm sorry. You know what- HARMONY: It doesn't matter, I'm going. Look, just- [stares at street again] HARRY: I'm such an idiot. I steal sh**. HARMONY:[turns around] Come again? HARRY: That's what I do for a living. I steal audio-visual components. I steal. I robbed a house. [shows his watch] I stole this watch. It's a cool watch. It's got this little light thing. [picks up something from his pocket]I stole this gum from the lobby, because it was kind of a rush. I've never finished anything that I've started my entire life. Not school, not marriage, nothing. And I have this thing where, like halfway in the middle, I just and I cut and run. HARMONY: Like the other night when you were all over me and you gave up and just went for it with- HARRY:Prime example. I switched to the ugly friend. Homely friend. She's not ugly.She's homely. Don't go. Please.Not yet. This isn't finished. Harmony stares at him. HARMONY: Turn around. HARRY: Why? HARMONY: Just turn around. HARRY: What, my tag's out? she tugs his tag back into the shirt HARMONY: This dump have a bar? HARRY:Yeah. Cut to: HARRY'S ROOM Packets of gum hit the sofa as we hear Harry and Harmony, sounding wasted after spending the morning at the hotel bar HARMONY: Call me "Slick" from here on out. HARRY:That was such a good job.You snagged a ton of gum. I mean, petty theft- HARMONY: Oh, Harry. I really didn't need that last shot of tequila. Harmony is stripping in the bedroom to go to sleep, while Harry suddenly thinks of the body in the lake – specifically, the part where he pulled her skirt down. HARRY: Oh, God.I just had a weird thought. Veronica Dexter. I saw the body up close. Hell, I carried the damn thing. Both times, the dress was soaked through, so it was transparent. So- HARMONY: God, Harry, where are you going with this? HARRY: No, no, no. It's just-Perry said this chick was deep into the born-again bit, so it's probably nothing, but just if she had on underwear I didn't see any. Harmony tugs herself under the blankets HARRY: I guess I'm taking the couch. HARMONY: Yeah. Thanks. Or you can sleep here. But it would only be sleeping, Harry. If that's gonna frustrate you. HARRY: Let's see.[gets up] [he lies on the bed, next to Harmony. She embraces him and puts her head on his shoulder] HARMONY: Oh, Harry. So long ago. Didn't really turn out the way we hoped, did it? HARRY: I guess if I racked my brain, I could think of worse places to be. HARMONY: Is that so, Whitey? HARRY: Whitey? Calling me a knight? HARMONY: Maybe, yeah. Except for the bo*er. That's not too knightly. HARRY: The hell it isn't. Actually, it's nightly and most mornings. She laughs and continues sleeping. A short moment pa**es, and then Harry puts his arms up, and sits down. HARRY: f** it, I'm not a knight. I'm sorry. I'm thinking- I'm going nuts, so I think maybe...the couch is good. HARMONY: What? Stop. Harry. HARRY: Or I can keep drinking until it goes away. HARMONY: Harry, seriously, if you're at all uncomfortable... I am more than happy to do something. HARRY: For chrissake, no. HARMONY: Why not? HARRY:I don't want you to offer it as- Not, "It's a courtesy freebie." HARMONY: You're so an*l. HARRY: I don't want the backup: "Let me just give you a hand here"... as a kind of, like, default backup thing. She pa**ionately kisses him HARMONY: You're gonna stop calling me. HARRY: No. You know, that's crazy. I swear to God, this is it. You are the dream girl. You always have been. This is destiny. She kisses him once more HARMONY: Okay. Before we do this...I have a little confession to make. An angry Harry is seen tossing stuff at a now-dressed Harmony on his doorstep. HARRY: My best friend! You said you were going to drop by his house, wave goodbye. HARMONY: I was leaving for L.A. I was never gonna see him- He looked sad. HARRY: He looked sad? HARMONY: Yes, he did. HARRY: You slept with Chook Chutney. HARMONY: f**. For chrissake, Harry, it was forever ago. Come on, I was a different person back then. HARRY: [patting her arm] You slept with Chook. Excuse me. HARMONY: Come on. HARRY: Watch your hand. HARMONY: Harry! He slams the door in Harmony's face. Harmony wanders off, pays the valet, and is crying when something occurs to her. She calls Harry up. HARRY: Yeah. HARMONY: Harry, was she raped? HARRY: Huh? HARMONY: The Dexter girl, was she raped? HARRY: No, the ME's report showed no indication of rape stuff. You slept with Chook Chutney. Harry turns off the phone, sees the Johnny Gossamer book in his hand – “You Wouldn't Want To Live There – and lies down as the screen cuts to black. Day Four: The Simple Art of Murder PERRY (V.O.): Wake up. Harry, wake up. A sleeping Harry gets a pair of pants thrown on his face. PERRY (O.S.) Get up. He sits down, Perry sits next to him HARRY: What's up? PERRY: Harmony's in trouble. Get dressed. Let's go. Cut to: PERRY'S CAR Harry in the pa**enger seat. While Perry is driving, he plays a message on his phone. HARMONY (V.O.): Perry, it's me. Listen, this Veronica Dexter business stinks. I'm gonna go check on something Harry said. Call me. If I'm right, you'll sh**. PERRY: What did you say to her? HARRY: Nothing.I don't get what's happening. PERRY: She solved this thing. That sly little minx of yours has solved this case, and now I can't find her. HARRY: You're worried. PERRY: You're not worried? HARRY: Of course. If you are, I should be. Now, what did you say? Think. You said something about the case. HARRY:Yeah. Yeah. PERRY: What? The car brakes suddenly, screeching its tires, and takes a turn HARRY (V.O.): I tell him about destiny. He's shaking his head. About dream girls, he doesn't care. I mention the underwear thing, he has a f**ing conniption. Cut to: INSANE ASYLUM Harry frantically smokes a cigarette outside a building, in which we can see in the parking lot a van with the name “H.R. Dexter Mental Health Institute” – the “Dexter Clinic” a reporter mentioned previously. HARRY (V.O.): And you? How about it, filmgoer? Have you solved the case of the dead people in L.A.? Times Square audiences, don't shout at the screen. And stop picking at that, it'll just get worse. Harry then enters as Perry opens the door to him. PERRY: This won't take a second. HARRY:Right. They meet a large woman patient, fiddling with a Santa sculpture. HARRY: (clears throat) Hi. How are you doing tonight? PATIENT: They gave away my crickets. Harry turns on his phone, shows a picture of Harmony HARRY: Excuse me, you wouldn't, by chance, happen to have seen this woman? MENTAL PATIENT: No. I don't like him. Kurt Cobain, he took my cricket. HARRY: Of course. That's sad. PERRY: Ma'am, I hope you won't be offended when I ask you if you're wearing anything at all underneath your hospital blues.Any undergarments. It's important. She lowers her dress, giggling. The two men are slightly disgusted as they walk away. In a corridor they resume their conversation. HARRY: That's it. That's the clue. Veronica Dexter was a patient here. PERRY: Private mental clinic, where even nice girls don't wear undies. HARRY:How could she be here and meanwhile, she's out having parties? PERRY: Think. First she hates her dad, then loves him. Has a lawsuit, withdraws it. Why? I'll tell you why. A doctor is approaching, they hide in an open room HARRY:Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So it's two different girls, right? He stashed his daughter in here, and then he put the ringer on the street. PERRY: All he needed was someone who looks enough like his daughter to withdraw the complaint. It's been 10 years. HARRY: This is nuts. PERRY: It's right out of a Gossamer book. HARRY: Of course, because the guy who planned the crimes has all the books. He's read them all. They're in his house. Plus, he was in that piece of sh**… movie. Perry puts one pointer finger in his nose, points the other at Harry. HARRY: You're telling me the girl imposter- PERRY: A desperate man needs a replacement daughter. Same time along comes a girl… HARRY: Harmony's sister. Fresh off the bus, looking for her dad.dy PERRY: I'd say I found my imposter. HARRY:Let's get out of here. Harry and Perry head out from the asylum, and are then seen outside the clinic. HARRY: So where did she go from here? PERRY: Shut up, I'm thinking. HARRY: By the way, this thing: [Imitates Perry's nose-touching gesture] Single gayest thing you've ever done. [As they pa** by the van, they meet an orderly who holds them at gunpoint] GUARD: Evening, gentlemen. PERRY:Hi, we are so incredibly lost. GUARD: Mr. Van Shrike, hello. You look chilly. Come back inside. PERRY:Actually, I'm from back East. I'm kind of digging the cold. [The guard pistol-whips Harry in the ear] HARRY: Agh! f**! He's the one who said it. GUARD: Or I can k** you here. [The guard starts marching them back.] PERRY:Harry, I was thinking some more about this reality versus fiction. HARRY: Oh, is that a fact. PERRY:Like in the movies, when a guy sticks a gun at some schmuck's back and says: "Let's take a walk. " He's got a hostage. HARRY:I've seen that movie. PERRY:In reality, the pros like about five feet of separation. HARRY: Right, huh? [Perry takes a sudden turn and overpowers the guard, grabbing his pistol, while Harry gets the one in his belt] PERRY:That's so the schmuck doesn't take the gun back [both are pointing guns at the goon now] and make him eat it. [Harry pistol-whips the guy] HARRY:Doesn't that s**? I just hit you for no reason.[Perry bobbles forward] Watch it. [The goon is now on his knees with the guns on his head] PERRY: Tell us where Harmony is. GUARD: f** you, Mary. PERRY: You don't get it, do you? This isn't "good cop, bad cop. " This is f*g and New Yorker. You're in a lot of trouble. For chrissake, who are you protecting? It's all over, fini. Dexter is going down. HARRY:Down. PERRY: I know about Veronica's lawsuit. I know Dexter was facing ruin. I even know he switched daughters. Which, for God's sake, actually did work for a while, till last week. HARRY:What happened that he had to k** her, huh? PERRY: Harry, put a sock in it. HARRY:I'm asking a question. PERRY: If you ask questions then it seems like we don't know anything, that we're dishing. Okay? And for the record, it was the boyfriend, the guy from Paris. He would've spotted the fake and said, "That's not Veronica." Am I right? GUARD: f** you! PERRY: Exactly. So Dexter had Veronica k**ed, threw a dress on her dumped the body and walked away clean, except for one little thing. HARRY: Underpants. PERRY: One tiny little pair of undies. HARRY: Yeah. [the goon laughs] PERRY: You think that's funny, huh? I'm gonna break your nose now. [Perry punches him in the nose; the goon spits the nosebleed that fell in his mouth] PERRY: I want you to picture a bullet inside your head. Can you do that for me? PERRY: f** you. Anyway, that's ambiguous. PERRY: Ambiguous? I don't think so. HARRY: No, I think it means when you say, "Picture it inside your head", is that "a bullet will be inside your head" or "picture it in your head"? PERRY: Harry, will you shut up. GUARD: I don't know anything about a girl, seriously. I was bluffing. HARRY: I think that you are bluffing right now. [Harry starts unloading the bullets from his gun] PERRY: Harry, what are you doing? HARRY:What I'm doing for the guy who likes to bluff is I'm playing a little game called "Am I Bluffing?" [Loads one round into the revolver to play Russian Roulette] Huh! Where is she? PERRY: Harry. HARRY: Where the f** is Harmony? You want to play hardball? [Spins the chamber and points the gun] Where is the girl? [Shoots the guy in the head] PERRY: What did you just do? HARRY: I just put in one bullet, didn't I? PERRY: You put a live round in that gun? HARRY: Yeah, there was like an 8 percent chance. PERRY: Eight? Who taught you math? HARRY: Maybe it was more. I don't know- [Perry's phone rings. His tone is “I Will Survive”.] PERRY: sh**! [answering] Hello? HARMONY: Perry, is that you? Hey, it's me. PERRY: Hi, Harmony. [Harry sits confused, leaned against the van] HARMONY: What's going on? PERRY: Where are you? HARMONY: At home. PERRY: You're at home? HARMONY: [She is shown in her living room] I just got back. I was in the Hills all day. sh**ty reception. PERRY: You don't sound so good. HARMONY: Why aren't you following your lead? PERRY: Oh, forget it. It's just crazy. HARMONY: No, it's not crazy. Listen- It's right out of a Gossamer book. PERRY: Don't talk. Listen. HARRY: Times 12… Eight percent. PERRY: And you, stop multiplying. HARMONY:Huh? PERRY: No, not you. Listen, call downtown, see if Veronica Dexter's body has gone to the mortuary. If it has, see if there's a cremation scheduled. HARMONY: Wait, Perry. PERRY:Call me back right away. [Perry turns off the call, and talks to Harry] PERRY:Look, he was gonna k** you anyway. He said so. Cover him up. I'll get the car. [In a nearby field, Harry has hidden the body in the bushes] HARRY: All right, that's pretty much all done. PERRY: Harry- [Harry starts walking back] HARRY:I got an idea. I say we take the son of a b**h Dexter down... [he sees Perry is being held at gunpoint by the man himself and another goon.] HARRY:...to the racetrack and buy the son of a gun a drink. What do you say, Perry?[takes the guns off his pants] Oh, f**, no fair. No f**ing fair. HARLAN: Aurelio, give Mr. Van Shrike a little pat down. [as Perry is getting frisked, he smiles and shouts as if he's liking] AURELIO: f**ing maricón. [Perry's phone rings. The thug takes the phone from the jacket's pocket] HARLAN: Toss it here. Let's see who it is. [Aurelio throws it over to Dexter, but Harry catches it and answers the call.] HARRY: We're in trouble. Dexter's got us. [Aurelio punches Harry, picks up the phone and puts it in his ear] AURELIO: He just asked a carpet-cleaning service to save him. HARLAN: Sorry, kid. Good hands, though. HARRY:Thanks. Used to be a magician. [Cut to the other side of the conversation…] HARMONY: And for 39.99 we'll carpet up to three rooms in half the time. That's a $40 value. Act today. [The van arrives at a hospital to be tortured. Harry has his pants down as Thug #3 hooks up electrodes to Harry's balls] HARRY:That chick in the casket, she won't even match up with that ringer you been toting around. You ever think about that? PERRY:He did, Harry. That's why he's cremating the body. [Harlan's phone rings] HARLAN: Yeah, you ready? [The Thug is starting the electrical device as Harlan finishes his call] HARLAN:Speak of the devil. Gotta go. Perry, nice to have known you. [turns to Harry] HARRY: Harry. Harry. Yes, of course. Harry from New York. I hope you don't judge Los Angeles based solely on your experience tonight. [sees the electrodes hanging from his crotch] Ouch. [Harlan walks away] HARRY:I'm kind of scared here, Perry. PERRY:Aurelio, why don't you give the kid a break? [Aurelio is holding a gun at Perry and firing from a water gun at Harry's crotch] PERRY: Do unto others and all that. It's Christmas. AURELIO: Who else knows? Who did you tell? HARRY:I don't know anything.I'm not even from here, you f**-up. [Aurelio proceeds to start the torture. Harry screams in pain.] [Outside the hospital, the coffin is being brought into a van – something Harmony sees from her car.] THUG: Mr. Dexter, the coffin's good to go. HARLAN: Okay, let's burn the b**h. [Back to the torture room, Harry continues his agony.] PERRY: You could zap his chest. It'd be easier. [Aurelio turns off the device] But we know why you gotta do it down there. You like looking at his johnson, don't you? Admit it, dude, you got it in you. [Aurelio gets angry and starts pounding on the electrode bu*ton to emphasize his point. Harry's not having a good time.] AURELIO: Enough! PERRY: Aurelio, look me in the eyes and tell me you've never been with a man. [Punches the machine again] AURELIO: f** you, maricón! f** you! PERRY: That's what you want, isn't it? You want to f** me. HARRY:Stop helping. Stop helping. PERRY: If you are not gay, just say so. AURELIO: f** you, maricón! [Punches the machine again] PERRY: Look at him. He can't even say it. HARRY:Stop helping! AURELIO: Can't wait to have you as a patient. PERRY: Bet you can't. [Perry mimes grabbing at his balls] PERRY: This is what you want. Here. AURELIO: Shut up! [Perry puts his hand inside his pants] PERRY: Take a look. You want some of this right here? Look at this. AURELIO: Just shut up! [Aurelio prepares to pistol-whip Harry… [when the thug is k**ed by bullets flying out of Perry's crotch] HARRY:Yeah! PERRY: h*mophobes never check there. [he reveals a miniscule gun that was in his pants] HARRY: Thank God you had a gun in there. I thought it was a gay thing, like somehow you guys could do that. Sorry. PERRY: Are you okay? HARRY: Not really, no. [Outside, the body has been loaded into the van, where four thugs are right by the back doors.] THUG 1: Gentlemen, let's wrap it up and get out of here. [Harmony is seen running towards the cabin.] THUG 2: Who's driving? THUG 3:I tell you what, I'll flip you for it. THUG 1: All right. [As the tossed coin lands, the van drives off. They are startled, and then run away.] THUG 1: This way, come on. THUG 2: sh**! [Harmony driving the van in a busy street. Her phone rings] HARMONY: Yeah. PERRY: Hey, Harmony, it's me. HARMONY: Oh, God, how did you get away? PERRY: I shot him with a small revolver I keep near my balls. I can't get to my car. We're near Olive and the freeway. Can you pick us up? HARMONY: I'm in a van with Veronica's body. I'll be there in 30 seconds. All right, be where I can see you. Be ready to move. [checking the rearview mirror, Harmony sees the thugs are in a car behind her] HARMONY: sh**, they're on my tail. I gotta go. [as the car keeps chasing the van it approaches the hospital, where Perry and Harry are already on the sidewalk] HARRY: Right there. She's right there! [the van rushes without stopping] HARRY:sh**. [they start running towards the van. The car hits the van a bit, given the back doors are open, so the coffin is in danger of flying out at any time.] HARRY: Harmony! Harmony crashes the van on an overpa**, sending the coffin over the edge. It lands on a sign above the underpa**. An arm pops out. Harmony's OK, though, and leaves the cabin. Harry and Perry keep running up. HARRY: Harmony! Harmony runs away just as a thug's car hits the flipped van. He brakes, gets out of the car, and tries to shoot Harmony. She jumps off the road and into a median, slamming her forehead on the gra** and drawing blood. Up there, Harry and Perry are approaching. HARRY: Harmony! PERRY: Harry, don't! [Perry gets into a gunfight with the thug. The thug is shot, but not before shooting a bullet through Perry's chest and into Harry. Harry falls to his knees and collapses on the ground as the other thugs drive away. He then crawls to Perry.] HARRY:Come on, we gotta go. They're coming back around. Harmony's down there. Perry, what's wrong? Come on, breathe. [Harry tries to give Perry mouth to mouth, but Perry starts coughing up blood.] [Meanwhile, the resulting concussion has left Harmony pretty dazed, but she is still able to talk…] HARMONY: Harry. [Harmony grabs her cellphone and clicks it…] HARMONY: Harold. [Her hand falls on the ground. Perry's cell phone rings. Harry grabs it from the man's pocket, sees it's Harmony, and answers Perry's cellphone] HARMONY: Harold... use your awesome might. Save me from this hopeless plight. Harold... [Harry throws the phone away, takes Perry's gun, and gets up. Loading the magazine, he walks to the overpa**, and sees the car arriving. As Harry points the gun to hit, Dexter shows up and tries to run Harry down. He jumps off the overpa** and lands on the coffin perched on the freeway sign. He accidentally drops the gun onto the casket and slides off, hanging onto the arm and dangling above the speeding traffic.] HARRY:Harmony! [He sees Harmony in a field below. Dexter rushes to the edge of the bridge to shoot him, Harry jogging the coffin and knocking the gun down - catching it in the nick of time and shooting Dexter.] HARLAN:Captain f**ing Magic. [Harlan falls back dead. Some thugs are speeding towards unconscious Harmony to finish her off, but Harry tries shooting them while dangling from the coffin,] HARRY:Come on! [Harry manages to shoot the driver. As the out-of-control car gets near, Harry lets go of the corpse's arm and drops onto the roof of the car as it pa**es under. The backseat thug opens the door and goes at Harry] HARRY:No. [He manages to k** the last two thugs with some showy moves] HARRY:There, all done. [he drops the gun down on the street] Finished. [ Harry staggers over to Harmony] HARMONY: Harry. HARRY:Did you call me? HARMONY: Harry, you're shot. HARRY:No, no. Look, you want to see something cool? [Harry pulls out a Jonny Gossamer book from his breast pocket - complimenting it on stopping the bullet.] HARMONY: Cool! This stopped the bullet, Harry. [she puts her finger in the bullet hole,seeing it goes all the way] No, not really. [Harry sees blood in his chest, and touches the wound.] HARRY: Oh, not really. [Harry puts his head on Harmony's shoulder and starts pa**ing out] HARMONY: Oh, Harry. Oh, God, Harry. Harry. [Sirens roar as it fades to orange…] [Harry wakes up at the hospital. Harmony is in the room with him.] HARMONY: Hi. Welcome back. HARRY: Yeah. HARMONY: How many fingers? HARRY: Will you put that cat down, because I'm allergic. HARMONY: You feeling okay? How's your...? HARRY: My what? HARMONY: Well, your.... [looks at his crotch] HARMONY: Everything down there. HARRY: I can't believe he told you that. [Perry rolls in on a wheelchair.] HARRY: Hey, hey, hey. It's Christmas, where's my present, Slick? PERRY: Your present is you're not in jail, f*g-hag. HARRY (V.O.): Yeah, boo, hiss, I know. Look, I hate it too. In movies where the studio gets all paranoid about a downer ending, so the guy shows up, he's magically alive on crutches, I hate that. [To slam the point home, everybody who died in the movie walks in (purple-haired girl and thugs included), smiling and waving... along with Abraham Lincoln.] I mean, sh**, why not bring them all back. [A producer starts dragging everyone away… including an Elvis who tried to enter the room] But the point is, in this case, this time, it really happened. Perry, like, lived. Yeah, it's a dumb movie thing but what do you want me to do, lie about it? HARMONY: So you found something out? PERRY:Yeah. But you're not gonna like it.Dexter didn't murder your sister. HARMONY: That's crazy. He was using my sister to impersonate his daughter, Perry. PERRY:Never happened. I talked to my police guy. The ringer was a girl named Mia Frye, 23-year-old from Glendale.When she wasn't impersonating Veronica Dexter... [flashback to Harry below the bed]...she wore a pink wig. HARMONY: But my sister sent you up to Big Bear Lake, to his cabin. [flashback to the lake sequence] PERRY: Your sister was convinced that Dexter was her natural father, so she started following him, hanging around. Do you see where I'm going with this? One day your sister came calling, and she saw Dexter... [Jenna is seeing from a window Dexter frolicking with the topless and blindfolded Mia Frye, pink wig lying nearby] PERRY (V.O.):...in bed with the pink-haired girl.What she thought was father and daughter. Remember, that's how it would appear. PERRY: It was too much for her. First the old father, now the shiny new one.She couldn't handle it, and she took her own life. What she hired me to film wasn't murder, but incest. I'm sorry. [Harmony and Harry get sad] HARRY (V.O.):So much for unreality. I said goodbye, watched Jonny's world go back on the fiction shelf. But while it lasted, brother... [Harry holds Harmony's hand] it was one for the books. Harry helping Perry, who's walking with a cane, down the hospital corridor. PERRY:You should've told me you were arrested five times. I should be pissed. HARRY:You should have told me that when you go home, you put on lady's underpants. PERRY:That's cross-dressing, imbecile. HARRY:Whatever. PERRY:Half those guys are straight. Perfect fathers, love their kids. How about you? Did your father love you? HARRY:Sometimes. You know, when I dressed up like a bottle. How about yours? PERRY: Well, he used to beat me in Morse code, so it's possible... but he never actually said the words.Harry. HARRY:What? PERRY:Don't steal any more sh**. You're not a punk. A male nurse pa**es by them, Perry turns back. PERRY:You bet I'll turn around. HARRY:You like that, huh? PERRY: I saw him in the commissary twice. What is he, like 6'4"?He doesn't know he's gay. Look how he walks. Epilogue: Farewell, My Lovely Flyover of an Indiana town HARRY (V.O.): So that's pretty much that. We went back to Indiana, the three of us, for Jenna's funeral. Don't worry, I saw the last Lord of the Rings.I won't have the movie end 17 times. There is, though, one final scene for your viewing pleasure. Inside a house, Perry confronts Harmony's father, who's on oxygen and bedridden HARMONY'S DAD: Do I know you? PERRY: No. Just in town for the funeral. HARMONY'S DAD: What do you want? PERRY: The zoo was closed, so I thought I'd come here and look at an animal. HARMONY'S DAD: Son of a- Who do you think you're talking to? I buried my daughter today. PERRY: No. You buried her 20 years ago. Harmony was right, her sister was murdered. You pulled the trigger. It just took this long for the bullet to hit. HARMONY'S DAD: Who are you? I loved my girl. Perry backhands him HARMONY'S DAD: You f**er! If I could get out of this bed- PERRY: Yeah? Well, you can't. Perry backhands him again HARMONY'S DAD:You ba*tard! An old man that can't defend himself. Big tough guy. PERRY: Yeah, that's right. Big tough guy. Perry leaves. As he pa**es by the living room, the Genaros commercial is seen on the TV… only instead of Harmony, it's the blonde girl who Harry met before introducing Harmony. One year later. Harry, much better dressed, is making a video recording of himself telling the whole story in an office. HARRY:That's it. That's the true story of what happened last Christmas. That was some pretty harsh sh** with the old guy back there, right? But whatever, he's creepy. f** him. Don't worry about him. Anyhow, so... Thanks for coming. Thanks for taking the trip to L.A. with me. If I had to sum it up, and I do-Because, you know, it's, like, the end. HARRY:I would say that this movie is about- It's about friendship. Friendship is sacred. Perry enters, carrying a folder PERRY: What are you doing? HARRY:I'm trying to wrap up the movie and leave the people with a message. PERRY: I've got a message for you. Get your feet off my f**ing desk. HARRY: Sorry. [Harry moves his feet] I work for Perry now. PERRY: [covers Harry's mouth with his hand] And stop narrating. HARRY: Obviously. PERRY: That's it. Please stay for the end credits. If you're wondering who the best boy is, it's someone's nephew. Don't forget to validate your parking. For all of you good people in the Midwest, sorry we said "f**" so much. Say good night. HARRY: Thanks again. PERRY: Now, go. Vanish.