Rob McElhenney - The Gang Gets Racist Script lyrics

INT. PADDY'S PUB Dennis, Mac, and Charlie are cleaning up. DENNIS: Another big night, fellas. 164 dollars and 87 cents MAC: That's not a lot of money. DENNIS: No, it isn't. And our mortgage is due in two weeks. MAC: No, we paid that like a week ago. DENNIS: A week ago was three weeks late, Mac. Dee enters DEE: Hey guys. So I met this guy in my acting cla** and he's really cool and he wants to see where I work, so could you guys try to not be weird? MAC: What is that supposed to mean? DEE: Y'know, I love you guys very much, but sometimes you're not that cool. DENNIS: We're cool! MAC: Not cool? DEE: Try to be cool. DENNIS: Ok, we'll try. CHARLIE: Sometimes, you're not too cool. DEE: Charlie… DENNIS: We're always cool, man. Terrell enters DENNIS: Oh hey man, we're closed. TERRELL: Yeah, I know. MAC: Woah, woah, woah, we don't want any trouble. TERRELL: What? DEE: Guys, this is Terrell… from my acting cla**. MAC: Yeah… yeah… DENNIS: Hey man, how's it going? TERRELL: It's going good. How you doing? DENNIS: Good, man. We're just… we're just chillin, dude. MAC: Great. Just closing up shop. CHARLIE: Yeah. TERRELL: Guess you guys don't have too many brothers walking through here. MAC: Oh no, we have plenty of brothers. DENNIS: Yeah – African Americans. DEE: Yeah, we get it. MAC: You might know some of them. TERRELL: Yeah, we're probably related. MAC: No. No. I wasn't implying that… DENNIS: I don't think he was implying that you guys are all related. That's ridiculous. Y'know Sweet Dee came in here a second ago and she started talking about acting cla**. And, y'know we weren't expecting you – MAC: We weren't expecting you to be black. That's all. TERRELL: Right. An awkward silence DEE: Thanks, guys. TITLE SEQUENCE INT PADDY'S PUB Terrell, Dee, Charlie, Mac, and Dennis drinking beer at a table. TERRELL: You know, when I'm promoting, you better believe everybody and their mama gonna be there. You know what I mean? There's gonna be brothers, white boys, Latinos, whatever. Y'know we got n***as hanging from the rafters. So, we got like 400-plus packed into this tiny little place- DENNIS: Woah, woah woah, you said you had 400 people packed into a place? TERRELL: You damn right I got 400 – that's my job, man. And it's mostly college kids. You know, my sister goes to Temple, so I got the hookup over there. MAC: Ahh and hookups are good. But, just to be clear, when you say your sister, do you mean your sister or your friend? DENNIS: Dude. DEE: Oh, Jesus. TERRELL: I mean my sister. MAC: Oh, ok, cool. I was just – because – he could mean his friend of his sister and I was just- CHARLIE: Stop talking. TERRELL: So we're packing into this little bity place over on Walnut, right? We're halfway through the night, everything's going all right. You know what I mean? All of a sudden, I notice this dude eyeballin' me from across the bar. DENNIS: sh**. TERRELL: And I don't know if this dude wants to freak me or fight me. You know what I'm saying? CHARLIE: He's giving you… He's giving you crazy eyes. TERRELL: The insane, crazy eyes. Right? CHARLIE: I know that. TERRELL: So I walk over to this guy. He's this big, cut Mexican dude and I look at him and I say “Yo, ese, unless you want to get your a** torn apart… you'd better get that look off your face.” DEE: No… MAC: You just walked right up to him and said that? TERRELL: I had to, man. You gotta make the first move. Always make the first move, you know what I'm saying? DENNIS: I know. MAC: That's so bada**. DEE: So what happened? TERRELL: Well, hey, he won't stop staring me down and we're like eyeball to eyeball, his grill is right up in mine. It feels like an eternity son, right? Finally… he just opens up his mouth and says “I guess you gon' have to tear my a** apart, holmes.” CHARLIE: Oh, man, so what did you do? TERRELL: Took him to the back alley. And I tore his a** apart. MAC: Oh, my god. That's insane! Dee, Mac, and Charlie continue to chatter while Terrell glances at Dennis. MAC: Okay, well I would like to do things like that. EXT. STREET Charlie, Dennis and Mac walk outside toward a coffee shop. MAC: I love that guy. “I took him to the back alley”? Who does sh** like that? It's like a movie. DENNIS: Alright, calm down. Don't get too excited. There's something off about him. MAC: Oh, bro, that's racist. DENNIS: No, a**hole, that's not what I meant. CHARLIE: I'll go up and get the coffee, what do you guys want? DENNIS: Dude. Sit down, okay? Wait till the waitress comes out here and then you can stare at her. Alright? The guys sit down CHARLIE: I wasn't going to stare at her, I was just- DENNIS: You weren't going to stare? He wasn't going to stare at her. Dude, you're like totally obsessed with that chick. CHARLIE: No, I'm not obsessed. I like her. I have a little bit of a crush, yes. But obsessed? That's a bit of a harsh word. DENNIS: Dude, it's never going to happen. MAC: Guys, listen. Honestly, I think we should think about hiring Terrell. CHARLIE: Why? For what? MAC: You heard him! When he's promoting, everybody and they mama's looking to get in. CHARLIE: That's true, they do have “n******gs hanging from rafters.” Waitress walks out and overhears him WAITRESS: Wow. Nice. CHARLIE: No, that's not what I was saying. WAITRESS: Coffee? DENNIS: Yeah. WAITRESS: Hitler? CHARLIE: No, I'm not – I'm not Adolf Hitler. WAITRESS: I'll make sure to put lots of cream in yours. CHARLIE: No, I was quoting a black friend of mine. WAITRESS: Okay. Waitress walks off CHARLIE: Well great! Well that's just great! Now she thinks I'm racist! DENNIS: Dude, will you just drop it? MAC: Listen. If Terrell delivers half of what he promises, we're looking at like 200 people. CHARLIE: Yeah, that's true. DENNIS: It'd be nice to get some chicks in the bar. Alright, let's do it. EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS Charlie and Mac walk toward the student union CHARLIE: You sure about this? MAC: It's 2005, Charlie. Don't you think it's a little ridiculous that you have no friends outside of your own race? CHARLIE: No, I'll tell you what I think is ridiculous. This stupid plan. MAC: It's not a stupid plan! CHARLIE: It's a stupid plan. MAC: It's not – this is a college campus, alright? This is a great place to meet people of different cultures, diversity- CHARLIE: Oh, the only thing – you're just trying to make black- mmm – you're trying to make black friends. MAC: Well, you know, you're not making it very easy. CHARLIE: You're trying to impress Terrell with a couple of black friends. MAC: Stop being a dick. CHARLIE: How am I being a dick? MAC: Don't do this right now… Don't do this right now. Cut to inside the student union. A group of black students plays dominos. Mac and Charlie approach. MAC: Ok. See? This is exactly what I'm talking about. This is perfect. CHARLIE: Huh. Yeah. MAC: I'm gonna break the ice. CHARLIE: Go for it. Mac walks up to a game of dominos. Student: I'm about to bust that sh** up, Reece. ‘Bout to bust that sh** up, boy! MAC: Absolutely. Students stare at Mac. He slowly walks away. MAC: Ok, that didn't go exactly the way I had planned… CHARLIE: No… MAC: It was really, really awkward. CHARLIE: Really awkward. MAC: Maybe we should go. CHARLIE: Yeah! Girl walks up to them. GIRL: Hey, what's your name? CHARLIE: Oh, It's uh, Charlie. GIRL: Do you play bones, Charlie? CHARLIE: I dabble. GIRL: Do you want to play? I could get you a game. CHARLIE: Ah, no no. I shouldn't. I'm not really good. GIRL: I bet you're really good. CHARLIE: Well, it's been a long time, you know. GIRL: Oh, come on. CHARLIE: All right, maybe just one game. Cut to Charlie playing dominos. CHARLIE: DOMINO, b*atch! Charlie and crowd cheer and congratulate him Cut to Mac and Charlie leaving the student union. MAC: This is bullsh**. Absolute bullsh**. Why do these people like you more than they like me? CHARLIE: Oh, woah woah woah maybe it's comments like that. MAC: I meant those people in there, not all black people. What am I supposed to say in that situation? CHARLIE: Well, you should say something different. Figure something else out. MAC: Maybe you should not be so judgmental, okay? Janell walks up behind Charlie and Mac. JANELL: Hey. CHARLIE: Hey. JANELL: Um, I'm Janell. CHARLIE: Oh, hi. JANELL: Uh, you got some moves out there, Charlie. CHARLIE: Thanks, you know. JANELL: I wanted to give you this. Janell hands Charlie a piece of paper. CHARLIE: Oh, okay. JANELL: Give me a call sometime. All right? CHARLIE: Yeah. Sure. Charlie whistles and throws it on the ground. Mac picks it up MAC: Woah woah woah woah! What are you doing dude? That's girl's gorgeous? She's like the perfect opportunity to prove we're not racist. She probably has friends for me. CHARLIE: Well, come on, if anything I think we should be focused on black men, first of all. MAC: What? CHARLIE: Well, we don't really need. We need black guys, so… MAC: Black guys? What the hell are you talking about? CHARLIE: You know. MAC: Is this about that waitress at the coffee shop, dude? Oh my god, dude. You are obsessed with this chick! CHARLIE: No, I'm not. MAC: Let me see your wallet. CHARLIE: Why? MAC: Are you still carrying a picture of her in your wallet? CHARLIE: No. The two begin to wrestle for the wallet. Mac: Just give it. Oh my god stop making a scene! Just give me the wallet! Give me the wallet! I can't get the goddamn It's okay! It's okay, everybody! - You're making a scene. CHARLIE: You're making a scene! MAC: I got it.. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Hold on a second. Ha! Ha-ha! Ha! CHARLIE: Give it to me! MAC: He had it! CHARLIE: Okay! You found it! MAC: I'm gonna tear it up! CHARLIE: No, don't! Just give me it. I'll call the black girl. Okay? Mac fistbumps some scholars MAC: Okay, buddy. We're cool. We're cool. We're good. Thanks, guys. See ya. INT. PADDY'S PUB DEE: I had the craziest dream last night that I was in Cleveland, Ohio which is really weird, because I've never even been to Ohio. This guy was wearing a bunny suit, and he was coming out DENNIS: You know what, Dee? I don't wanna hear about your dreams. Okay? I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of'em and nobody's having s**, I just I don't care. Dee: Oh. I'm sorry. I would listen to your dreams. 'Cause your my brother and I love you. DENNIS: I'm sorry. I am. Terrell enters TERRELL: Hey! What's goin' on, guys? DENNIS: Terrell. Dee: How are you? Dee and Terrell kiss TERRELL: Hey! What's up? What's up? How you doin'? Dennis! What's goin' on? - All right, man. Terrell gives Dennis a brohug DENNIS: How's it goin', man? TERRELL: Good, man. Listen, um, you mind stepping outside with me for a second, man? DENNIS: Yeah, I'll come outside. TERRELL: Yeah? DENNIS: Yeah. TERRELL: All right. Well, come on. DEE: I'm gonna put these out on the tables. They step outside, there's a line with a lot of people TERRELL: Rule number one: Always keep a line. DENNIS: Oh, my God! That is a lot of people! Cut into the bar, stuffed with people DENNIS: Wow! - This is crazy! DEE: I know! I told you! Terrell's the best! They pour in drinks DENNIS: I'm gonna have to start bartending full-time. L-Look at this! (shows jar with money) DEE: Why are you making more money than me? DENNIS: I don't know! Mac walks up to the bar MAC: Hey, this is crazy! DENNIS: I know. Terrell packed 'em in. Look at this. Charlie also walks up to the bar CHARLIE: This is crazy! DENNIS: Yeah, dude, we were just saying that. CHARLIE: Lot of dudes. DENNIS: Yeah, there's a lot of dudes. MAC: Lot of dudes. Dee walks to some guys standing at the bar DEE: What can I get you boys? GUY: Oh, uh, we wanted to wait for the cute one. DEE: What cute one? He points to Dennis Cut to Mac and Charlie CHARLIE: Mac, isn't that your cousin Brett by the jukebox? MAC: Oh, yeah! CHARLIE: Let's go say hey. They walk to Brett MAC: Yo, Brettie boy! BRETT:Hey, cuz! MAC: Hey! How you doin'? CHARLIE: What's up, Brett? Can you believe this crowd? BRETT: Oh, it's something else! Cut to Dennis, who talks to the guys at the bar DENNIS: Yeah! Gentlemen, I understand my services have been requested. The guy takes Dennis' hand, Dennis takes his hand away GUY: I actually got a couple of services I'd like to request. DENNIS: Whoa! Uh, what are you doin, man? I'm not GUY: You have the most beautiful eyes. DENNIS: Okay, man, but I'm Really? GUY: So blue. DENNIS: Really more of a blue-green, actually, but Cut to Brett and Mac BRETT:I'm really proud of you, man. MAC: Yeah, thanks. BRETT: You've come a long way. MAC: What do you mean? BRETT: You guys are running the hottest gay bar in Philadelphia. Mac and Charlie look confused at each other INT. TERREL'S APARTMENT Terrell opens the door for Dee, who kisses him after she enters - he pushes her away TERRELL: No! What in the hell is your problem? DEE: How could you not tell me you were gay? TERRELL: I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia. I didn't think it was that big a secret. DEE: I've been coming on to you for weeks now. TERRELL: Just thought you were into gay dudes. DEE: I am not into gay dudes! TERRELL: Apparently you are. DEE: Okay, well, you know what? The guys hired you to promote their bar, and you turned it into a gay bar. They are not happy. Cut to Dennis and Charlie, excited because of the money they earned DENNIS: So much money! - Whoo! Oh! CHARLIE: So much money! We made more money in one night Th- DENNIS: Than in the entire time that we've owned this place! CHARLIE: This is great. We have to embrace the situation. DENNIS: We should totally embrace the situation! CHARLIE: We're a gay bar from now on. Cut to the guys and Dee, sitting at the coffee shop MAC: Absolutely, man! No goddamn way. Have you guys seen this? (reads a paper) "Looking for that new hot spot to spot that stud? Well, Paddy's Irish Pub has plugged that hole." CHARLIE: That's a nice notice. MAC: No, it's not nice. I don't want to be plugging anybody's holes. DEE: I'm gonna have to agree with Mac. DENNIS: Of course you are. I made $300 last night. How much did you make? DEE: First of all, that's rude. And that has nothing to do with what I'm talking about. DENNIS: It has everything to do with it. CHARLIE: Listen guys. I don't think we have much of a choice. We need to do this. MAC: If you guys remember, one of the major reasons we got this bar was to get laid. CHARLIE: Maybe you did it to get laid. I got a little something I like to call business ethics. MAC: Business ethics? Charlie, the only reason you don't care is you have black girls hanging all over you for no reason. They all look around MAC: Okay, chill out. You're gonna screw it up. CHARLIE: Screw it up? I happen to have a date with the nice young lady today. (pretends to shoot Mac) Ouch. DENNIS: Look you guys. It's a purely fiscal decision. DEE: Oh, bullsh**. You don't care about the money. You just like the attention. DENNIS: What the hell is that supposed to mean? DEE: "Everybody look at me!" You know exactly what I mean, pretty boy. Cut to Paddy's Pub, several men compliment Dennis - Hey, handsome. - Hey, beautiful. - Hey, s**y. - Hey, hoss. Cut back to the table DENNIS: I just get along really well with those guys. CHARLIE: They're vibing. DEE: No, you're leading them on. You're not gay, you're just really vain. CHARLIE: Okay, time out. Here's what we should do. Let's take a vote. DEE: Fine. MAC: Okay. CHARLIE: All those in favor of Paddy's Pub remaining a gay bar, say "aye". DENNIS + CHARLIE: Aye. CHARLIE: Opposed? DENNIS: K-K-Keeping in mind that you (points at Dee) don't get a vote. DEE: Why? DENNIS: Because you're the bartender. you're not one of the owners. (Charlie repeats him) MAC: No, Sweet Dee gets a vote. DENNIS: No, she doesn't! DEE: Of course I get a vote! All owners opposed, say "nay. They all talk through eachother CHARLIE: All people who own the bar who are opposed, say "nay. All people who own the bar who are opposed say "nay. MAC: Nay. CHARLIE Two against one! Oh, well. Ohh! Paddy's Irish Pub will henceforth remain the hottest gay bar in Philadelphia. EXT. JANELL'S HOUSE JANELL: Hey-hey! What's going on? CHARLIE: Hey! - Look at you! You look good! JANELL: Oh, thank you. That's so sweet. So, where we going? CHARLIE: Well, I thought we'd go grab a drink. JANELL: Oh, I want one so bad. CHARLIE: All righty! Cut to the coffee shop JANELL: Oh, a coffee shop. I thought you meant, like, a drink at a bar. CHARLIE: Yeah, absolutely. (Charlie holds a chair for Janell) Uh, why don't you have a seat here. I'll go get the coffee. What would you like? JANELL: I don't really drink coffee. Let me see. CHARLIE: Totally He walks to the counter, where the waitress is WAITRESS: What do you want, Charlie? CHARLIE: "What do you want, Charlie?" I'd like you to take a look at the lovely young African-American woman sitting at the table over there. (points at Janell) WAITRESS: Okay. CHARLIE: That woman is my friend. WAITRESS: Wow. Good for you. CHARLIE: So, the other day when you heard me saying something about certain people hanging from said rafters I was quoting a friend of mine who also happens WAITRESS: (interrupts Charlie) What are you trying to say? Spit it out. CHARLIE: Well, now that you know that I'm not racist, you and I could maybe go on WAITRESS: Dude, N-O. How many times do I have to say it to you? CHARLIE: One time is fine. WAITRESS: Apparently one time is not fine. CHARLIE: One time per time I ask you. Janell walks to them JANELL: Hey, what's going on up here? WAITRESS: Oh, not too much. Charlie's using you to prove that he's not racist. Then he asked me out on a date. JANELL: Charlie, is this true? CHARLIE: Would that upset you if it was something that was true? Cut to Paddy's Pub, Charlie is taken care of by Dee DEE: Charlie, I think you need to see a doctor. This thing looks really bad. CHARLIE: I did! DEE: What'd he say? CHARLIE: He said that Janell punched me in my eye! DEE: All right, well, you need to keep that eye - Wait. Her name's Janell? CHARLIE: Yeah. Janell Jenkins. She's got a hell of a right hand. She also said if she ever saw me again, she was going to slit my throat. Mac walks up to them MAC: Are you two seeing this? Cut to Dennis, who is serving drinks in a sleeveless shirt DENNIS: Boys are out tonight, huh? MAC: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you and this Mary here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much? CHARLIE: It's not that they like us. It's that they don't like you. You know why? Uh, because you're an a**hole! Charlie walks away Cut to the back of the bar, Mac and Dee enter the room MAC: What's up? CEE: You know that girl Janell? I know her. MAC: Okay. So what? DEE: So I think I know how we can solve this whole gay mess. MAC: Great. How? DEE: First. We gotta start with Dennis. Can you get him so drunk tonight? On tequila. But like a lot of it. Enough that maybe he might hurt himself. MAC: Yeah, sure. No problem. DEE: All right. MAC: Where are you going? DEE: I gotta talk to a couple friends from my acting cla**. But seriously blackout drunk. Dee Leaves Cut to the bar, Mac is giving Dennis shots MAC: All right. Okay. So you did the lime first, and then the shot, right? DENNIS: No. No, no, no, no. Dude. You take the salt - Take the salt. And then you take the shot. MAC: Okay. DENNIS: And then you s** on the lime. Okay? MAC: Okay. Why don't you show me again. 'Cause I'm getting a little bit confused. DENNIS: You lick it. MAC: Salt. Lick it. DENNIS: And then you slam it. Dennis takes another shot MAC: Yeah? Oh, that's great. All right, so, I'm gonna do the shot first DENNIS: No, no, no, no Oh Oh, please, please, dude. You're not listening to me. MAC: Well, I'm just not getting it, bro. DENNIS: You do the salt first. MAC: The salt first. DENNIS: And then the lime. MAC: Show me again, because I'm not- The salt first. Then the lime. DENNIS: Oh, God. Dennis faints Cut to Dennis in bed - waking up because of an alarm clock Next to the clock, there's an used condom, he sees a women lying next to him DENNIS: Hello. Mmm. (looks at her bottom) Nice. (looks at his bottom) Beautiful. Dennis hugs the woman, who turns out to be a man MAN: Hello, lover. Dennis jumps from the bed DENNIS: Whoa! What the hell! What is going on here? MAN: Relax, stud. You got nothing to be ashamed about. DENNIS: What the f- What does that mean? - Did we have - MAN: No. No. Don't be silly. It was all hands. Another gut walks up to Dennis and slaps his a** MAN 2: How's that a** feelin'? Cut to Paddy's Pub Charlie and Mac are playing darts CHARLIE: I'm really glad you decided to embrace this. You're doing the right thing, bro. MAC: I think so too, dude. I feel really good about broadening my horizons. CHARLIE: It's gonna be fun. It's a good business decision. Dennis walks in DENNIS: Yeah! I don't want to own a gay bar anymore. CHARLIE: What, dude? MAC: Oh, no. What happened? DENNIS: Just, uh I was doing some thinking and, you know. I think we had our little experiment. It was great. But we should go back to normal. MAC: Oh. You had an experiment, and you want to go back to the way it was before the experiment. Interesting. DENNIS: The bar. We had our experiment with the bar, and it was great. Let's go back to normal. MAC: You're done experimenting? Or are you gonna experiment some more? - CHARLIE: What is this experimenting? Terell walks in TERELL: Hey, Dennis! What's up? Listen, I got you some new CDs. 'Cause the music you had in the jukebox was a little bit stale. Also, we gotta get rid of these shamrocks. 'Cause nothing scares gays and black folks like Irish crap. DENNIS: Can we talk for a second in private? TERELL: Yeah. No problem. DENNIS: So, listen, Terrell, it's not really working out. We're gonna have to let you go. TERELL: I don't understand - I thought you were happy. MAC: No, we were happy. But then Dennis had an experiment, and he wants to go back to normal. DENNIS: Yeah, we had that experiment Why do you keep saying it like that? You guys are being ridiculous. CHARLIE: Yeah, we're being ridiculous! We're making a lot of money! TERELL: Yes! Thank you! MAC: Look, everybody! Sweet Dee's here! Dee walks in with Jenell DEE: Hey, everybody! CHARLIE: Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing here? JENELL: Charlie? DENNIS: What is going on here? You guys know each other? CHARLIE: Yeah! That's the crazy b**h that punched me in my eye! TERRELL: Charlie! That's my sister. MAC: Now, just to clarify, when you say "sister," you mean- TERRELL: I mean my sister. MAC: Yes! Okay! This is great! Because earlier you were implying that I was racist because you thought that I was implying that all black people are related. And then it turns out that you people actually are! (they all look irritated) No, that's not what I meant. Hold on a second. I meant that you two actually are. DEE: Mac? Stop talkin'. INT. PADDY'S PUB Dee and Mac are counting the profit DEE: Hundred and 11, hundred and 12, hundred and 13 $114! MAC: On a Saturday night! DEE: We're back to normal. They both drink MAC: We are back to normal. Mmm. Dee, I gotta know. What, exactly, did you tell those guys from your acting cla** to do to Dennis? Oh, I forgot to tell you. That didn't work out. MAC: What? DEE: Yeah, I couldn't get ahold of those guys. MAC: Then why was he so freaked out? Flashback to Dennis MAN 2: How's that a** feelin'? END OF EPISODE