Rob McElhenney - The Gang Finds A Dead Guy Script lyrics

INTRO: 10:25 AM. On a Friday. Philadelphia PA. INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY Dee and Mac just entered the bar DEE: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player. MAC: No, look, I'm not talking about k**ing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm. DEE: You can't break Tom Brady's arm. MAC: Oh yes, I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy. DEE: Listen. Let me tell you something with absolute honesty and concern for your well-being. Tom Brady would kick your a**. They see an old men, lying in a booth. DEE: What the hell is that? MAC: Come on, who locked up last night? DEE: Charlie. MAC: The kid needs to start paying attention. They walk to him DEE: Who is this? MAC: I don't know. I've never seen him before. DEE: (walks away) Well, can you get him out of here? He stinks. MAC:Hey, let's go... Oh, my Je Oh, my God. He sh** his pants, Dee. Dee, he sh** his pants. DEE: Oh, I don't wanna know that. MAC: (gets a poolstick) I'm gonna poke him with this. Get up, old man. This isn't the American Legion. (he pokes the old man) Wake up! Yo! DEE: What's the matter? MAC: He won't wake up. DEE: Well, poke him harder - in his ribs. MAC: (keeps poking) Wake up, old man. Wake up! Holy sh**. (the man falls from the booth) That b**h is dead. OPENING SEQUENCE The gang is standing at the bar, while the dead guy is carried away by Paramedics DENNIS: This ought to do wonders for business. CHARLIE: How could you let this happen, Charlie? CHARLIE: What? It's not my fault. The guy orders one drink sits down, I don't see him again the rest of the night. DENNIS: What are we gonna do about this booth? There's piss and sh** everywhere. MAC: All the d**h germs. DEE: Plus, that guy was so old. Old people are gross. CHARLIE: Tell you what. I'll get the gasoline. MAC: We're not gonna burn it. Come on, dude. You never let me burn anything. DEE: Maybe we should close to fumigate or something. MAC: No, no. We can't do that. We can't let anybody know that this happened. We'll never live it down. DENNIS: Are we gonna serve drinks here today? I don't think the board of health will be too keen on that Mac. MAC: I'm sorry. Do you see any representatives from the board of health here? Let's clean up the mess and act like it never happened. DEE: I'm not getting anywhere near that booth. DENNIS: Me neither. They all look at Charlie Cut to Charlie, he looks prepared for a nuclear war and he has a hose for the booth CHARLIE: I can't believe you guys are making me do this. DENNIS: I can't believe you left a dead guy in the bar overnight dude. So I guess we're even. MAC: Charlie, the E.M.T. Said he had a heart attack, not Ebola. CHARLIE: Do you wanna do this? MAC: No. CHARLIE: Then don't question my methods. Charlie sprays water on the booth DENNIS: Whoa, Charlie! Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop. Goddamn it. We need to isolate the area. You're just gonna spread whatever parts of him decomposed overnight. DEE: (disgusted) No. CHARLIE: What, are you a scientist, dude? DENNIS: A scientist? CHARLIE: That's, like, science talk. DENNIS: Science talk? What the hell is science talk? A girl walks in DEE: I'm sorry. We're closed. MAC: No, we're not. Hey. How you doing? REBECCA: I'm looking for the owner. MAC: That's me. Actually... DENNIS: Actually, I'm the owner. MAC: I could help her out now. DENNIS: I own the place, though MAC: We own it together. DENNIS: Not really. What can I help you with? REBECCA: My name is Rebecca Keane. I was notified that my grandfather died here last night. DENNIS: Oh. DEE: Oh, I'm so sorry. MAC: That's really horrible. CHARLIE: I'm sorry for your loss. REBECCA: I, uh I just wanted to see where he spent his last night. CHARLIE: (points at the booth) Hmm, that would be somewhere in this vicinity over here. REBECCA: Oh, God. DEE: Are you all right? REBECCA: Yeah, I'm okay. I really didn't know him that well actually. But he didn't have any other family, so the police called me. DEE: Oh, that's so sad. REBECCA: Yeah. I guess I was a little curious, you know. I mean, he's my grandfather. And I know nothing about him. MAC: Yeah. Well, he was a great man. REBECCA: Really? MAC: Yeah. Yeah, just a very warm and gentle soul actually. REBECCA: So you knew him? MAC: Yeah, I wouldn't actually say that I knew him all that well. DENNIS: I knew him pretty well. Yeah, we got pretty close near the end there. REBECCA: Wow, really? MAC: I knew him too. I just meant I thought you meant more of a... DENNIS: He didn't know him as well as I did though. REBECCA: Oh. Well, listen, I should go. I have to get back to work. I just wanted to stop in. REBECCA: Of course. DENNIS: Well, listen, if you ever wanna stop by, you know I could tell you some stories about your grandfather that you would not believe. MAC: I'll make myself available as well. Don't worry about it. DENNIS: Yeah, any time. REBECCA: Okay. Thanks. DENNIS: Yeah, of course. MAC: Bye. Rebecca leaves MAC: What are you doing, dude? DENNIS: What? MAC: You're totally blowing up my spot. DENNIS: I'm not blowing up your spot. You can't just claim the girl for yourself. She's way out of your league anyway. MAC: Out of my league? She's out of your league. I could get that chick. DEE: Hey, guys! A man died here yesterday. His family just abandoned him. Could we think about that for one second? MAC: Why the hell would we want to think about that? DENNIS: Really depressing, Dee. DEE: It just makes me think about Pop-Pop is all. DENNIS: Pop-Pop is an a**hole, Sweet Dee. And I'm placing my bets that that girl's grandfather is an a**hole too. People don't just abandon their parents for no good reason. CHARLIE: Dude, have you ever been to a nursing home? People abandon their parents all the time. It's a sad, throwaway culture we live in. (starts spraying water on the booth again) INT. CHARLIE'S APARTMENT Charlie opens the door for Dee DEE: Hey, Charlie. Can I come in? CHARLIE: Yeah, sure. DEE: Thank you. Whoa. Geez, your place is looking good. CHARLIE: Yeah. I've been doing some rearra.. rearranging. DEE: Mm-hmm. CHARLIE: So you wanna have a seat? DEE: Uh, no, I don't. Charlie, your, uh CHARLIE: Have a seat, come on. DEE: Listen, I wanted to ask you a favor. Will you go to the nursing home with me to see my grandfather? Dennis won't go. CHARLIE: Dennis won't go? DEE: No, he won't go. CHARLIE: What a jerk. DEE: I know, and I haven't seen him since I was really little. And he's stuck in that nursing home. And I don't wanna wait until it's too late and then regret it. CHARLIE: Why don't you just go by yourself? DEE: Uh, I have a little bit of a problem with old people. Sounds a little mean, but I find them kind of creepy and scary and gross. I think they're gross. It's their hands mostly. You know, how you can see right through them. They're all Their inside business is... CHARLIE: I'll tell you what. I'll go with you but you have to let me borrow your car any time I want. DEE: No. CHARLIE: Every now and then. DEE: No. CHARLIE: One time. DEE: All right. CHARLIE: And you have to take me to lunch - twice a week for a year. DEE: No, I don't. CHARLIE: Once a week. (she shakes her head) Today. DEE: Okay. CHARLIE: Great. INT PADDY'S PUB MAC: I can get hot chicks, dude. DENNIS: Mac, don't embarra** yourself. I will always win in these circumstances. MAC: You will not, dude. She's coming over here to see me. DENNIS: She's coming to see you because you answered the phone, dude. MAC: That's just semantics, bro. You know, I have a real shot with this chick. DENNIS: You can't beat me here, okay? I will always win in these circumstances. I will one-up you. I'm sharper than you. MAC: You're not sharper. Rebecca walks in MAC: Shut up. Shut up. DENNIS: You shut up. Don't tell me to shut up. REBECCA: Hi, guys. Is this a bad time? MAC: No, this is a great time. We were just We DENNIS: We were talking about your grandfather. Emotions are running very high around here today. MAC: Yeah, it's been a difficult couple of days for me. DENNIS: Yeah, I try not to think about me though in circumstances like this. More importantly, how are you? INT. RETIREMENT HOME Charlie and Dee have entered and walk through the hallway CHARLIE: You kind oflook like you're gonna pa** out. DEE: Charlie, I don't think I can do this. I'm not kidding. CHARLIE: Come on. You're gonna be fine. DEE: Oh, my God. Look at that one. CHARLIE: Hey, hey, hey, hey. They have ears, all right? All right, listen to me, Dee. The slow and painful crawl to d**h is an inevitable part of life. So just embrace it, all right? DEE: Wait, wait, wait. It's really creepy in here. What is that very bad smell? CHARLIE: Uh, it's probably urine and maybe some feces. 17-D, right? This is your Pop-Pop's door. DEE: Just hold on a second. What if he asks us to help him go to the bathroom? CHARLIE: Are you kidding me? Come on. A lot of people lead perfectly normal lives in nursing homes. They open the door, pop-pop is connected to Mechanical ventilation DEE: Oh, Jesus! He doesn't even look like a real person. CHARLIE: Should we go wake him up? DEE: No! I don't know. Let's go. CHARLIE: No, we can't go. We came all the way down here. Let's just Pop-pop coughs DEE: I need some air. (runs away) CHARLIE: What? No, no, no, Dee. Do not leave me here alone. 'Cause I can't POP-POP: Dennis. Dennis. CHARLIE: Oh, this is awkward. I'm I'm not.. POP-POP: Dennis, come here. I've been waiting a long time for this moment, (Charlie enters) Dennis. Okay. You have? POP-POP: Oh, yeah. My only grandson finally come to see me. Come close. My eyesight's not so good. You're lot shorter than I thought you'd wind up. CHARLIE: Yeah, well, you know. I'm actually still growin', so POP-POP: You want some candy? CHARLIE: No, I'm good. Thanks. POP-POP: Eat the damn candy! CHARLIE: Okay. (eats candy) Candy. POP-POP: These people in here they've stolen everything from me. CHARLIE: They have? POP-POP: Yeah, well, what do you expect from Jews, right, Dennis? CHARLIE: Uh Jews. Um, maybe I should go and check on Dee, because POP-POP: No, leave her be. I'm sure she'll be fine. Cut to Dee, in the bathroom freshing up - she screams after she sees an old lady Cut back POP-POP: I'm an old man, Dennis. And as you can see, I don't have much time left. I need your help. CHARLIE: Oh. Oh, no, no, no. I mean, I'm not very comfortable with that. First of all, I don't even know which one of these things I would unplug. POP-POP: No, you idiot! I don't need you to k** me. I need you to help me. CHARLIE: Oh. Uh, okay. POP-POP: You probably don't know this because that ba*tard father of yours didn't tell you but I was a war hero. CHARLIE: Really? POP-POP: I wanna be buried in my uniform. And I don't trust any of these kikes in here to take care of that. All the belongings from that part of my life are in a box at the Roxborough Storage Facility. I need you to pick it up and bring it here. CHARLIE: Oh, okay, sure. I could do that. POP-POP: And I need you to keep it as a secret between you and me. INT. PADDY'S PUB - NIGHT Dennis, Mac and Rebecca are sitting at a(nother) booth REBECCA: So listen, I have a favor to ask you guys. MAC: Oh, yeah. That's cool. Anything, yeah. You can talk to me, 'cause I get things done, so REBECCA: I'm in charge of putting together a memorial service for him but I can't seem to find anyone else who really knew him that well. MAC: Oh, yeah. That might be difficult to do actually. DENNIS: It's not gonna be a problem. I knew a lot of his friends. Good guys. MAC: Yeah, Den. But, uh, it might be hard to find "friends." It's not gonna be hard for me. REBECCA: That would be so amazing. (she touches Dennis) MAC: Would you like another drink? DENNIS: No, we're fine. INT. DEE'S APARTMENT Dee opens the door for Charlie CHARLIE: I need your car. DEE: Oh, Charlie. I wasn't really serious about that. CHARLIE: No. Go get it. You promised. DEE: (gets keys) Fine. Where you going? CHARLIE: Going back to see Pop-Pop. DEE: What the hell you talking about? You're going to see my Pop-Pop without me? CHARLIE: Mm-hmm. DEE: You can't do that. He's my Pop-Pop. I'm the one who's supposed to feel better about myself. I'm going with you. CHARLIE: Oh, you can't actually, because it's just supposed to be me and him. DEE: I want to see my Pop-Pop. CHARLIE: Take the bus. INT. SOUP KITCHEN Dennis and Dee enter the soup kitchen MAC: Jesus, Dennis. This is just goddamn shady. DENNIS: Hey, bud. If you wanna back out now, be my guest. I'd be happy to take all the credit for this. MAC: I'm not backing down. DENNIS: All right, all right. (to a homeless man) Hey, pal. How would you like to make 20 bucks? HOMELESS GUY: Sure. DENNIS: Got some nicer clothes? The man doesn't respond MAC: Right. DENNIS: Right. Cut to the Warehouse. Charlie takes the box with the uniform, and looks at it CHARLIE: Holy sh**. INT. CHURCH Dennis and Mac enter with five homeless guys. DENNIS: Okay, guys. Have fun. Mingle. The homeless guys start eating the complimentary snacks from a table Rebecca walks to the guys REBECCA: Hey, guys. MAC: Hey, Rebecca. DENNIS: Rebecca. REBECCA: I see you brought some of my grandfather's friends. DENNIS: He loved those guys. REBECCA: So I was wondering if maybe you guys could say something. You know, maybe tell a funny story about him or something. Oh, yeah. No, absolutely. Actually, I've got a little something prepared. If that's okay. Mac, did you prepare Oh, no. Sorry. I totally forgot. He's a terrible public speaker. He gets really flustered and he clams up and his third-grade stutter comes back. It's adorable. (Mac's phone rings) Oh, is that your phone? MAC: Yeah. DENNIS: Gonna answer that? MAC: Well, I don't wanna be rude. DENNIS: Well, the ringer's going off in the middle of a funeral. It's gotta be pretty important, right? MAC: Excuse me. (Mac walks to the hallway) - Charlie, what do you want? CHARLIE: (through phone) Mac, you gotta come to my apartment right now. MAC: I can't, dude. I'm in the middle of something. CHARLIE: I don't care what you're doing. Get over here right now! It's an emergency! MAC: Fine. (goes to Rebecca and Dennis) I gotta go. It's an emergency. DENNIS: You gotta leave? That's a shame. MAC: So can I borrow your car, or what? DENNIS: You've been drinking. (Mac accepts this and walks away) Uh He's a good guy. He's just got a bit of a drinking problem. Cut to Mac, knocking on Charlie's door CHARLIE: Who is it? MAC: It's Mac, dude. This better be good. Charlie opens in a Nazi costume, eating a banana MAC: Holy sh**! CHARLIE: Mmm. Cut to Dee, standing at a bus stop, she gets uncomfortable when an older man stands next to her Cut back to Charlie's apartment - Mac is going through Pop-Pop's box MAC: This is unbelievable! CHRLIE: I know that! There are, like, so many medals in there, dude! This guy was probably, like, king Nazi. MAC: How is this even possible, Charlie? CHARLIE: Oh, it's possible. They came on boats or whatever, but they're here. MAC: Okay, hold on. This could just be collector's crap. CHARLIE: No. No, no, no. No. Look at that! (takes an old photo of Dennis) MAC: He looks exactly like Dennis. CHARLIE: I know. All right, so here's the deal. He wants me to take all this sh** to him so he can be, like, buried in it or something. MAC: Buried in it? Screw that old b**h. He's a Nazi. Let him die and burn in hell, right? Let's sell this sh** on eBay. CHARLIE: No, I thought about that though. I think it's, like illegal, or maybe a little bit immoral. MAC: We could sell it to a museum. CHARLIE: I could live with that. Cut to Dennis, at the funeral - about to start his speech DENNIS: Lionel Keane.As we all know, Lionel could be a bit of a curmudgeon. But he had the heart of a lion. I'll tell you a story about him. (puts away his cards) It was Christmas Eve last year and, uh I was at Lionel's house, making him dinner. And we got to talking about the spirit of giving. And I said, "Lionel, why are we just talking about it? Let's put the spirit into action. Let's go down to the mission." Lionel said, "Great. That's a great idea, Dennis." So we did, we went down there. And not only did we feed every last poor, miserable, precious soul but we washed the feet of every man, woman and child there in the spirit of Christ. And that was Lionel. Lionel Keane. Lionel the lion. Cut to the office of an museum CURATOR: Sorry to keep you gentlemen waiting. MAC: Not a problem at all. CURATOR: How can I help you? MAC: We are going to make your day today, sir. CURATOR: Is that right? CHARLIE: We've gotten our hands on a "little something" that we like to think is an important part of human history and needs to be in this museum. Mac, if you will. (Mac shows the uniform) CURATOR: What in the hell is that? MAC: This, my friend, is an authentic Nazi officer's uniform circa 1942. CHARLIE: Notice the stitching and fine attention to detail. CURATOR: Where did you get this? MAC: Let's just say it found its way to us and leave it at that, shall we? CURATOR: Okay. I find this offensive for so many reasons. I'm guessing you acquired this through illegal means. For me to take this from you would be an extension of that. And secondly, that you would expect it would "make my day" a**umes that I'm interested in profiting off the murder of millions of innocent people. MAC: (looks at Charlie first) How much will you give us for it? CURATOR: Nothing. CHARLIE: Nothing, or CURATOR: I plan to call the police the minute you guys leave my office. Cut to Dee, in the Retirement home DEE: Hey, Pop-Pop. POP-POP: Deandra? What are you doing here? Where's Dennis? DEE: Oh, um, I just came by myself. POP-POP: Oh. Well, do you know where Dennis is? He was supposed to be here hours ago. No, no. Pop-Pop, it's just me. I thought that you and I could spend some time together so I brought a couple books that I could read to you. POP-POP: Okay, fine. Come here and sit down. DEE: Yeah. POP-POP: No, why don't you come closer so I can get a good look at you? Come here, come here. DEE: Okay, that's fine. POP-POP: Sure, sure, sure. DEE: Good idea. POP-POP: Come here. A little closer. Come here. Come on, come on. Come here, come here. Oh, now I remember how beautiful you are. (touches Dee) And look at these wrinkled old hands against your young face. Oh, and and these teeth. Look. Look how straight and white. (puts his finger in her mouth) DEE: (runs away) Is there a bathroom around here? POP-POP: Yeah. Right down the hall. Dee vomits in a garbage bin in the hall EXT. PADDY'S PUB Charlie is about to set the box with Nazi stuff on fire CHARLIE: We're doing the right thing here, man. MAC: Yeah. But it just seems like a waste of a perfectly good Nazi uniform. CHARLIE: No, no, no. If we sell it, we run the risk of going to jail. And if we keep it, we don't get anything, so we may as well burn it. MAC: That's true. CHARLIE: I mean, it is always fun to burn things. MAC: Yeah. Yeah, it is. And we probably shouldn't let Dennis know about his grandfather anyway. It might just screw with his head. CHARLIE: No. MAC: Yeah, get it going. CHARLIE: All right. (lights the box on fire) Get on. MAC: Get on it. CHARLIE: Auf Wiedersehen. MAC: Auf Wiedersehen, my friend. CHARLIE: Whoo. MAC: Whoo. CHARLIE: So it's all in there, right? MAC: Yeah. CHARLIE: You didn't keep anything, or MAC: No. Did you? CHARLIE: No. No, dude. MAC: Okay. Dennis comes out of the bar DENNIS: Hey, guys. MAC: Hey, bro. CHARLIE: Hey. DENNIS: What's up? What you burning? CHARLIE: Some trash. DENNIS: Awesome. (to Mac) Do you wanna hear what happened with that girl? MAC: No. No, I don't, dude. DENNIS: No? Oh, come on. MAC: I don't care about what happened. DENNIS: Of course you care. MAC: I don't wanna hear it, Dennis. DENNIS: Yeah, you do. MAC: Okay. You know what, bro? I'm sorry. You win. Okay? I give up. You won. You're the better man. DENNIS: You don't give up. See, I won fair and square. We went head-to-head and I came out the better man, just as I predicted I would. So we went back to her house and we made sweet, pa**ionate love. MAC: Great. DENNIS: Yeah. MAC: Great for you. (shakes Dennis' hand) You You must be really proud of yourself. Awesome. (hands Dennis the Nazi picture) Your grandfather's a Nazi. Mac and Charlie walk inside Cut to Charlie, watching tv with Pop-Pop's Nazi cap on. TV: Who's your neighbor? I'm your neighbor. But let me ask you a couple questions. Go ahead, shoot. Ask away. Who lives in this here hole? - What hole? - That big brown hole. - Oh, I'm inside that hole. - Dozen Rangers in there too. - All right. Well. END OF EPISODE