Rob McElhenney - Gun Fever Script lyrics

EXT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY Intro: 11:25. On a Friday. Philadelphia, PA Mac and Dennis are walking in the alley to the backside of the bar MAC: You're such a dil*o, dude. DENNIS: Thanks, dude. Thanks. That's a good way to start the day. MAC: Is that soy veggie health drink supposed to erase the damage you did to your liver last night? DENNIS: Is that coffee gonna help you forget that elephant you slept with last night? MAC: Oh, come on. You don't have to be so judgmental. DENNIS: She was gross, dude. MAC: She wasn't that gross, all right? If you lowered your standards a bit, you'd get laid more. (tries to get Dennis' health drink) Give me a sip of this. DENNIS: No! MAC: I just wanna try it. DENNIS: You do not get to taste my delicious healthy drink after making fun of it. MAC: Why not? Just give it to me. DENNIS: 'Cause I don't know what kind of diseases that girl had. They enter the bar MAC: She doesn't have any diseases! DENNIS: Dude, she was really gross. Dee and Charlie run up to them. DEE: Guys! We got a real serious problem. CHARLIE: There's been a B&E, dude. MAC & DENNIS: A what? CHARLIE: A B&E, dude! DENNIS: A B&E? MAC: What does that mean? DEE: Somebody broke into the bar and stole our safe. CHARLIE: Breaking and entering. B&E. DENNIS: No. No! Are you serious? Thay walk into the office MAC: Oh, my God! DENNIS: When did this happen? CHARLIE: Last night, I guess. DEE: We just walked in this morning and found it like that. DENNIS: Who locked up last night? DEE: I did. But that's the thing. The locks weren't even broken. DENNIS: So somebody just waltzed in here and stole the safe? DEE: But it's not my fault. DENNIS: How's it not your fault? CHARLIE: Well, it's somebody's fault. DEE: I know it's somebody's fault! CHARLIE: Well, it's somebody's fault! DEE: I know that! MAC: Guys! Guys! We're not gonna get anywhere yelling at each other! We need to be rational. CHARLIE: All right, all right. MAC: Okay! I think it's clear what needs to happen. DEE: What? MAC: We need to buy a gun. OPENING SEQUENCE INT PADDY'S PUB Dennis and Mac are talking to a Detective. MAC: So what do you think? DETECTIVE: I think next time you boys ought to get the kind of safe that a relatively small man can't just carry away. DENNIS: But there's been, like, a string of these robberies all over the area. You don't have any leads or... DETECTIVE: (walking away) Not really. MAC: Not really. Dennis and Mac follow him DENNIS: What in the hell does that even mean? How could there not be any leads? The guy must have left something behind. DETECTIVE: People are working on it. CHARLIE: Hey, you guys. They're pretty sure it's the same guy who's been hittin' all the bars around here. MAC: We know, Charlie. DETECTIVE: So we're done here, Harris. DENNIS: What So that's it? DETECTIVE: Yeah. We'll call you if we come up with anything. DEE: Well, thanks. The detectives walk away. DENNIS: Yeah, thanks. MAC: You know what, Dennis? Let's go get that gun. CHARLIE: Whoa. Hey, hey. No, no, no, no, no. DEE: What? CHARLIE: Guns are not a good idea. They're dangerous. Someone's gonna get hurt. DEE: Yeah. Mac, no guns. MAC: Guys, somebody stole our safe, right? Am I crazy? We need to be able to protect ourselves in case something like this happens again. Clearly, Philly's finest don't give a sh**. DENNIS: Mac is absolutely right. What if one of us was here when it happened? MAC: We would have been k**ed. DEE: No, you don't know that. Come on. Some guy named Colin walks in COLIN: Hey, babe. DEE: Hey, Colin. Colin and Dee kiss. DEE: Mmm. COLIN: Was that law enforcement? DEE: Yeah. COLIN: Is everything all right? CHARLIE: No, dude. We got robbed last night. COLIN: Oh, sh**! Are you kiddin' me? Oh.. What happened? Remember the other day when you were making fun of us for having such a tiny safe? COLIN: That really s**s, guys. Look, we have reservations at Guajino's at 12:00, and... DEE: Yep. Just about... COLIN: Guys, it's a travesty. I'm sorry. They walk away DEE: No guns. MAC: Dude, your sister has the worst taste in men. DENNIS: No sh**. I hate that guy. He's like a full-on '80s movie stereotype. CHARLIE: Plus, he's a total player. DENNIS: What do you mean? CHARLIE: You don't know about this? Oh, my God! That guy's dated, like, every hot bartender in town. I saw him a week ago with Wendy from Dirty Frank's. Hand all down the back of her pants. DENNIS: Oh! Gross. CHARLIE: Very gross. MAC: Whatever, dude. Charlie, close up shop. Dennis, let's go get us a gun. INT. GUIJANO'S - DAY Dee and Colin are sitting at a table COLIN: Do you really think they're gonna buy one? DEE: No. I mean, I told them not to but Mac gets a bo*er every single time he thinks about a gun. COLIN: Well, I think it's a great idea. DEE: I'm I'm sorry? COLIN: I think it's really smart. Owning and knowing how to properly use a firearm is an important part of what makes this country great. DEE: Well, that's what I was trying to tell them COLIN: To tell you the truth DEE: What? COLIN: There's nothing s**ier than when you're firing a gun. Actually, it really turns me on. DEE: Well, that's exactly why I want you to teach me how to use one, s**y. COLIN: It would be my pleasure. DEE: I think the pleasure would be all mine. COLIN: You've got a poppy seed in your teeth. Dee tries to get it out DEE: Hmm. Get it? COLIN: It's a big one. You might wanna go to the bathroom. Cut to Charlie's apartment, the home-owner knocks in his door. CHARLIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Calm down! All right! (opens the door) Hwang. You're just in time, buddy. HWANG: Charlie, my rent. CHARLIE: Okay, listen. Listen to me for a second while I HWANG: No! I cannot wait anymore! CHARLIE: Don't come over here and just start yelling at me! HWANG! HEY! WAIT! Let me go get something, and I'll fix it. (walks away) HWANG: All right, hurry up. Hurry up! I can't wait too long! Hwang not patient! You getting my money? Charlie return with a covered plate CHARLIE: (uncovers) Would you like a Rice Krispie treat? HWANG: $854 you owe me! I'm not gonna take it no more! CHARLIE: I realize how much money it is! I placed a couple bad investments! HWAAANG! I placed a couple of bad investments. It could happen to anyone, right? Okay. I'm going to get your goddamn money by the end of the month, okay? CHARLIE: I come back tomorrow. I want my goddamn money! CHARLIE: Yeah, tomorrow. HWANG: I want my money! CHARLIE: Okay. Hwang grabs a couple of Rice Krispies and walks away. Charlie closes the door. CHARLIE: Dickhead! INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY Dennis and Mac, who is loading a gun, are in the pub MAC: Okay, Dennis. We're gonna be very careful about this, right? We'll stash it right here (puts it behind the counter) just in case we need it. Until then, we don't go near it. DENNIS: Hopefully, we never have to pick it up again. MAC: Hopefully - You wanna shoot it? DENNIS: Yes. Cut to Mac & Dennis at the shooting range, firing the gun MAC & DENNIS: Yeah! - Yes! DENNIS: How do you like me now, log? MAC: You totally k**ed that log, dude. DENNIS: I totally k**ed it. I always knew that I'd be good at this stuff. MAC: You're a really good shot, Dennis. DENNIS: Thanks, bro. You're pretty good too, Hoss. You hit the log, like, a bunch of times, man. MAC: I did. DENNIS: If that log was trying to rob the place, you totally would have k**ed it. MAC: I would have k**ed it! DENNIS: You totally would have k**ed it. MAC: Absolutely! DENNIS: Hey, you wanna shoot it some more? MAC: Yeah! DENNIS: Hey, can I load it up though? MAC: Absolutely! You like the sound. DENNIS: I like the sound of the clip. Charlie enters the range. CHARLIE: Hey! MAC & DENNIS: Hey! CHARLIE: What the hell are you guys doing? DENNIS: Oh, Charlie, check it out. (Dennis shows the gun) CHARLIE: Whoa, whoa. No, no, no. DENNIS: Check it out. CHARIE: That's not fun! That's not a toy. DENNIS: Oh, come on, Charlie. CHARLIE: I'm serious, man. You shouldn't be playing around with guns. First of all, we need to open the bar. We got robbed. Hwang is all over my a** because of rent. MAC: You wanna hold it? CHARLIE: No. No. MAC: Come on. Charlie just hold it. CHARLIE: I wanna open the bar! DENNIS: Hold it for a little bit. CHARLIE: No, I don't wanna hold it. (takes the gun) Fine. Give me the gun. Fine. Yes. I'll hold the gun. Okay. Good. Nice. Really nice feel to it. That's really good. Is this thing loaded? DENNIS: It can be. Cut to Charlie, shooting MAC: That's my boy! CHARLIE: Whoo! That's amazing! MAC: Yeah. Can you feel it? CHARLIE: You bet I can feel it! Come on! DENNIS: Describe what you feel. CHARLIE: I feel like, uh I feel focused and I feel bada** and just, um bada**, you know? DENNIS: I think he's got it, Mac. MAC: Yes, he does. CHARLIE: Got what? MAC: Charlie, my boy, you've got the gun fever. Cut to Dee and Colin, at another shooting range COLIN: Whoo! That's what I'm talking about. You seeing this? (points at a target) DEE: Yeah. COLIN: That is s**y. DEE: Yep, totally. COLIN: You feeling s**y? DEE: I don't know. COLIN: Hey, hey, hey. It's all right to be a little nervous. Everyone's nervous their first time. But I promise you once you put your hand around this you are gonna love it. DEE: Well, actually, I've got something I think you'll love. COLIN: I'd rather watch you shoot the gun here. DEE: What if I COLIN: Just shoot the gun, Dee. DEE: Okay. (she shoots the gun) INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY Dennis is on the phone, talking to the detective DENNIS: Why would I not be serious? All right. Thanks, Detective. MAC: Nothing? DENNIS: No, nothing. I don't think they're taking this seriously on any level, dude. MAC: Of course they're not, dude. This is exactly what I'm talking about. These cops don't give a sh** about us. I think it's time we took matters into our own hands. DENNIS: How? MAC: Maybe we should do a little investigating of our own. Do some snoopin' around, try to crack the case. We got the gun. DENNIS: That's true. Wanna go shoot it some more? MAC: Yes! Let's do that. Pow, pow, pow! Dennis can't find the gun DENNIS: Whoa! What the hell? MAC: What? DENNIS: Dude, the gun's not here. MAC: Holy sh**! What are you talkin' about? Look! Look! DENNIS: It's... Charlie? MAC: Charlie. INT. CHARLIE'S APARTMENT - DAY Charlie is lying on his bed with thw gun in his hand, he's also on the phone CHARLIE: Yeah, I got the gun. MAC: (through the phone) Why, Charlie? It's supposed to be here to protect the bar. CHARLIE: Yeah, I know. I know. I just, uh MAC: You just what? CHARLIE: I just needed it. Cut to Mac MAC: Is this the gun fever talking, dude? Cut to Charlie Charlie: No It's not I don't have the gun fever, man. Look, I'm coming in to work later. I'll bring it with me. Cut to Mac MAC: I really don't like the sound of this, Charlie. Cut back to Charlie CHARLIE: (hears knocking in the door) Hey, hey, hey. I gotta go, dude. I'll see you guys at the bar. Cut to Mac MAC: He hung up. Cut back to Charlie CHARLIE: (gets to the door) All right! I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming! All right. Hang on a second there. (opens the door) Hey, Hwang. HWANG: Okay, so you got my money now? CHARLIE: I got some Rice Krispie treats in the fridge. You want some more of those? HWANG: Charlie, I don't like you. I never liked you. So just give me my money, or Hwang will be forced to (Charlie shows the gun he put in his pants) CHARLIE: I'm sorry. Forced to... HWANG: What you doing? CHARLIE: Hmm? HWANG: What's that? CHARLIE: So, listen, Hwang. Let me talk to you about your money for a second. Uh, I don't have it right now, you know? I just don't have it. But I'm gonna get it because I have my ways. Do you know what I mean, Hwang, when I say I have my ways? (Hwang tries to nod) What is that? Is that a yes? Sometimes I can't understand you. You're talking, but I don't understand you. So say yes if you know what I mean when I say I have my ways. HWANG: Yes. CHARLIE: Oh, good boy. Get lost. All right. (Charlie shows sings of his Gun Fever) INT. PADDY'S PUB Dennis and Mac are preparing for somethingMac is walking away, but stopped by Dennis. DENNIS: Wait, no. We can't go. What are you doing? We gotta open up the bar. MAC: Or we could call your sister to do her job that is if she's not having s** with Colin and every other bartender in Philadelphia. DENNIS: Don't do that. It's gross. MAC: Look, dude, we need to jump on this. Let's go do some investigating. DENNIS: All right All... Wait a second. MAC: What? DENNIS: Holy sh**! I know who stole our safe. MAC: You do? DENNIS: Yeah. Let's go get that gun. MAC: Yeah, let's get the gun. MAC: Wait, wait. Bag, bag, bag. DENNIS: Oh, the bag. DENNIS: All right. I'm driving. DENNIS: Okay. No, I'm driving. Cut to the hallway in Charlie's apartment Mac knocks on the door MAC: I hope Charlie didn't do anything stupid. DENNIS: Whatever Charlie's doing right now, it's probably pretty stupid. Let's just hope nobody got hurt. MAC: Yeah. MAC: Yo. DENNIS: Hey, dude. CHARLIE: Hey, guys. MAC: Can we get that gun? CHARLIE: Oh. Why? MAC: Well, first of all, we shouldn't have to tell you why. We bought it. It's ours. But if you must know, it's because we know who knocked over the bar. CHARLIE: Really? Yeah. MAC: Can we get the gun? CHARLIE: Why? MAC: Because we know who.. Okay, you know what, dude? Move. Oh, this place is a sh**-hole, Charlie. It smells. They enter his apartment DENNIS: So, don't you wanna know who did it? CHARLIE: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Who was it? DENNIS: Colin. CHARLIE: Oh. DENNIS: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Think about it. It all makes sense. Colin goes around town with every hot bartender chick, right? He woos them with his charm and his good looks. He finds out where the safes are. He finds out how to get in. MAC: You remember when Sweet Dee said that he was laughing about how small the safe was? You saw how quickly he changed the subject when she brought that safe up. CHARLIE: Right. All right. So what's the plan? DENNIS: I'll slide the gun meaningfully into the front of my pants CHARLIE: I know that game. DENNIS: Yeah. So why don't you go get it? MAC: Go get the gun! CHARLIE: All right. (Gets yhe gun out of his pants) Here. MAC: Oh! CHARLIE: Do you want it? Cut to the hallway in Charlie's apartment Dennis is on the phone DENNIS: Hey, Dee. Are you with Colin right now? Oh, no. He had to meet someone at Fingers Bar, huh? MAC: (takes the gun and aims at Dennis) Nice. DENNIS: Okay. Why don't you take the night off, okay? You deserve it. All right. You're welcome. Bye. MAC: Pow, pow, pow. DENNIS: You ready? MAC: Ready, Freddy. Oh. (the ammunition falls out of the gun) It goes Uh, stick it back in (Dennis reloads) EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT Mac and Dennis are in the car, watching Colin as he kisses another girl DENNIS: What a penis! MAC: Like you wouldn't do such a thing? DENNIS: Come on. Let's nail this prick. MAC: Wait. Hold on a second. Didn't Fingers already get robbed? DENNIS: Uh, yeah. MAC: So what's this guy doing, going in for round two? DENNIS: I don't know. Can we do this thing? MAC: Wait. Hold on. Do you think this guy would be dumb enough to rob the same bar twice? DENNIS: Yeah, I do. MAC: Me too. All right, change of plans. Leave the gun. I'm gonna get this a**hole to hit Paddy's again. Follow my lead. I'm the leader. They get out of the car MAC: Hey, Colin! DENNIS: Colin! MAC: What are you doing here? COLIN: Hey, fellas. DENNIS: Didn't expect to see you here. COLIN: Yeah. I was just Actually, I was leaving. MAC: Leaving? Having a little drink, huh? Little drinky-poo. Couple drinks? COLIN: Yeah. Just, uh Yeah, just a little drink. DENNIS: Yeah? What's up, man? You seem like, uh, the cat who ate the canary. COLIN: No Canary... No, I was just I didn't expect to see you guys here. DENNIS: Why? COLIN: Well, I thought you'd be at Paddy's. MAC: Paddy's, no. We actually closed up shop for the night. DENNIS: Yeah. MAC: Yeah. Thought we'd get wasted here instead, you know? Just a little freaked out about the robbery. But, actually, funny story. Turns out the dickhead didn't actually get all of our money. We actually keep it in the register instead of the safe. So the stupid a**hole didn't even think to look there, right? What a co*k! DENNIS: What an idiot! What an idiot! What a total idiot, right? MAC: bo*er, really. COLIN: Schmuck. DENNIS: Stupid idiot. MAC: Yeah, so, you know. As soon as we get some new locks, we should be all set. So we're just probably gonna hop in here DENNIS: Grab a couple drinks here tonight. MAC: Yeah, get wasted. Maybe pa** out. DENNIS: Or walk home with a couple of hot waitresses. Right, Colin? COLIN: Yeah, totally. MAC: Yeah. All right, well, don't wanna keep you. DENNIS: Yeah. MAC: We'll see you later. You look spiffy, bro. DENNIS: Yeah, you look good. COLIN: Maybe you guys should get a gun. DENNIS: What? COLIN: Well, Dee was saying that you were thinking about getting a gun. I think it's a good idea. Good protection. I, uh I keep one on me all the time. (shows a gun) I don't know. Think about it. Enjoy your drinky. MAC: Absolutely. Yeah. We will. DENNIS: All right, man. MAC: Have a good night, bro. DENNIS: Yeah. MAC: See you later. They walk away from Colin DENNIS: He's got a gun on him at all times. MAC: From now on, so will we. DENNIS: Dude, you just laid it on way too thick back there. There's no way he's gonna hit Paddy's again tonight. He'd have to be a moron. MAC: He is a moron, dude. He'll be there. DENNIS: (on the phone) Hey, Dee. Yeah, listen. There's a change of plans. I need you to meet us at Paddy's tonight after all. Something you need to see. Cut to Paddy's Pub Dee, Dennis and Mac are hiding DEE: Why did you guys bring me into this? DENNIS: You'll see. (to Mac) Did you turn off the circuit breaker? MAC: Yeah, dude. We're all set. Check. Dennis reloads the gun DEE: What the hell was that? MAC: Did you just co*k back the hammer, bro? DENNIS: No. DEE: Wait a second. You guys have a gun? MAC: Hey, listen to me. We are not shooting anybody tonight. DENNIS: I know. DEE: Dennis, you are not shooting anyone! DENNIS: I don't want to shoot anyone, Sweet Dee! DEE: You better not shoot anybody. DENNIS: I don't have MAC: I should be holding the gun. Well, I put this whole thing together. DENNIS: I have better... I shot the log way more times! DEE: This is so bad. DENNIS: But I'm the one who has better aim than you! Someone's at the door MAC: What? What? Is he here? DENNIS: Oh, there he is. Okay. What's he doing? DEE: He's walking toward the cash register. MAC: Oh, he looks shady. DENNIS: Yeah. MAC: That's him. DENNIS: That's it. Do the flashlight. Turn the flashlight on! MAC: I can't reach it! DENNIS: No, no! He's getting away! MAC: Shoot him! DENNIS: What? MAC & DEE: Shoot him! DEE: Shoot him in his face! The intruder falls and Dennis shoots... DENNIS: sh**! MAC: Did you get him? CHARLIE: I'm shot! DEE: Charlie? Oh, my God! MAC: Oh, my god! Turn on the circuit breaker! Turn on the circuit breaker! CHARLIE: Did you shoot me, Dennis? DENNIS: Uh, no. CHARLIE: Why did you shoot me? DEE: Oh, my God! DENNIS: My God! Dude, are you okay? DEE: (runs to him) Where are you shot? CHARLIE: In my head! DENNIS: What? Oh, my God! Charlie, I shot you in your head. I am so sorry. MAC: Is he okay? CHARLIE: No, I'm not okay! He shot me in my head! DENNIS: No. It must have just grazed his head. MAC: You shot him in the head, bro! DENNIS: If I shot him in the head, he'd be dead. CHARLIE: It really hurts! I gotta go to a hospital! DENNIS: All right, man. I'll call an ambulance. MAC: The hospital's, like, three blocks away. We should just drive him! DENNIS: I know that. But I don't wanna get blood stains all over the interior of my car. MAC: Are you serious? DENNIS: All right! I'll take you to a hospital! God! All right, get a trash bag. We'll put it over him. Cut to the hospital, wating room MAC: I can't believe you shot Charlie, dude. DENNIS: Don't start this again! DEE: You almost k**ed our best friend. DENNIS: You told me to shoot Charlie! You guys told me to shoot Charlie. The minute the sh** hits the fan, you guys are, like, "Dennis, don't shoot the gun!" DEE: I was not! DENNIS: Then all of a sudden, you told me to shoot him in the face! DEE: I didn't say that! They all stop, to continue arguing again seconds later until the doctor shows up. He gestures them to come - while looking like he has sad news. They enter Charlie's room, where Charlie lays bandaged DEE: Hey. DENNIS: Hey, there he is. How you feeling, buddy? CHARLIE: You shot me, dude. MAC: But, Charlie, you were stealing from the bar. It was an honest mistake. CHARLIE: I still kind of wish you didn't shoot me. DEE: If you needed help with money, why didn't you talk to us? DENNIS: Yeah, man. CHARLIE: I had it all worked out, all right? I was gonna make it look like all the other robberies going on around town. Then we would collect some insurance money and... MAC: Wow, dude. That's really just goddamn ridiculous. DEE: That is so dumb. CHARLIE: I thought it was the best idea I ever had. DEE: No, it's not at all. DENNIS But you know what? - It might be the best idea you've ever had, but DEE: Listen. Listen. The important thing is that you are all right. And we talked about it, and we decided we need to get rid of that gun. DENNIS: Oh, oh, the gun. Yeah, we're getting rid of the gun. It's too dangerous. MAC: You could have been k**ed. Dennis could have k**ed you. CHARLIE: Okay, good. Yes. I think that would be for the best. (pretends to have an headache) Ah. Mmm. Dee, could you get me a nurse? DEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. (leaves) CHARLIE: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun. MAC: No way! DENNIS: Never. (Gets the gun) CHARLIE: Sweet. Cut to the waiting room Dee's on the phone DEE: No, he's fine. It turns out itjust kind of grazed his head. COLIN: Oh, that's great news, babe. DEE: Thank you so much for calling though. You are so sweet, Colin. COLIN: I guess I'm just a sweet guy. DEE: All right. Well, I'll see you tomorrow? COLIN: You will. DEE: Okay. Good night. COLIN: Dream of me. (He's taking all the money out of the Cash register at Paddy's) Idiots. END OF EPISODE