Rob McElhenney - Charlie Has Cancer Script lyrics

INTRO: 12:40 PM. On A Tuesday. Philadelphia, PA. INT. CHARLIE'S APARTMENT Dennis knocks on Charlie's door DENNIS: Yo, Charlie! It's Dennis! (Charlie opens the door) Hey. CHARLIE: Hey, dude. DENNIS: What's up, buddy? Hey, your face looks, uh, like, poofy. CHARLIE: Uh, Uh, yeah, I've been cryin' a little bit. DENNIS: Huh? I'm sorry. Hey, do you have that basketball? Mac and I were about to go play in the park. I think you CHARLIE: Uh, yeah. I might. Come on in. DENNIS: Yeah? Okay. They enter the apartment DENNIS: Wow, dude! I thought my place looked like sh**. CHARLIE: Oh. Yeah. DENNIS: What's wrong? You look, uh, hungover or something. CHARLIE: No. Yeah, it's I found out I might have cancer, so ooh. DENNIS: What? CHARLIE: Yeah, I found out I might have cancer. That's why I haven't been down to the bar recently. And, uh.. DENNIS: Jesus, dude. I don't know what to say. CHARLIE: You don't have to say anything. Here, check these pamphlets out. (hands pamphlets to Dennis) They go over cancer, cancer-related issues. You know, it feels actually pretty good to get this off my chest, you know? DENNIS: Yeah? CHARLIE: I've been sittin' in here boohooin' a little bit. So, uh I mean, I'm glad we can talk. We can talk, right? DENNIS: Yeah. Of course. Yeah, talk. We can always talk. CHARLIE: Awesome, dude. All right, so it starts out I'm not feeling good. I'm havin' headaches and... DENNIS: Uh, did you want to talk, like, right now? CHARLIE: Well, you know, I was thinking we could talk right now. DENNIS: Well, it's not really a good time. CHARLIE: It's just that Mac and Sweet Dee are down in the car waitin' for me. I told them I'd just, you know, zip in and zip out. CHARLIE: Oh, yeah. All right. DENNIS: I could ask 'em to wait. CHARLIE: Don't do that. DENNIS: I really shouldn't. CHARLIE: Then don't. An awkward moment of silence. They walk to the door DENNIS: Hey, uh, look, man. Keep.. Keep your head up. You're gonna get through this. CHARLIE: Oh, yeah. Do me a favor though. Uh, don't tell anybody. I don't want it gettin' around. DENNIS: Oh, no, no. I won't say anything. CHARLIE: Thanks. All right. Charlie wants to let Dennis out, Dennis stops him DENNIS: Uh.. Uh Could I get the, the basketball though? It's just we're supposed to meet, like, a bunch of people and we were supposed to bring that. CHARLIE: Yeah, no. You're - Okay. OPENING SEQUENCE INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY Dee, Mac and Dennis enter the pub DEE: Yeah, but Charlie's got such great hair. Is he gonna lose all of his hair? DENNIS: Yeah. He probably is. MAC: Well, so what kind of cancer is it? DENNIS: I don't know, man. MAC: Well, when does he go in for treatment? DENNIS: He didn't say. You know, we just stood there for a long time and didn't say much, you know? And we cried together, and I held him for a while and that was it. They sit at the bar and get a beer MAC: Mm-hmm. DEE: That is so sad. He is gonna look so bad without that hair. MAC: We gotta do somethin' nice for him. We should go back. DENNIS: No, no, no. Actually you guys, we can't go back. He made me promise not to tell anybody. MAC: So when we see him we're supposed to act like we don't know anything? DENNIS: Yeah. DEE: No, no. That's not right at all. We can't just abandon him right now. He needs people around him. He shouldn't be alone. I learned a lot in my theater and psych cla**es about the human nature... MAC: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dee, you know what? Nobody cares about your psych or theater training. DENNIS: No, no, no. Dee's right. Let's think about this. What's the one thing that Charlie never gets? MAC: Laid. DENNIS: Right! So let's find a girl for Charlie. DEE: No, not at all what I was saying actually. DENNIS: No, no. Let's find Let's find a girl for Charlie someone to be there for him spend time with him, you know, nurture him. MAC: Bang him. DENNIS: Have s** with him, right. MAC: Okay, great. Dee? You have any friends desperate enough? DEE: Are you out of your mind? I'm not helping you with this. DENNIS: Oh, come on. Don't be a pain in the a**. DEE: I am not be... Speaking of which, anybody want to get up off their a** and help me with the boxes? DENNIS: The boxes? That's what Charlie does. MAC: Charlie's job, yeah. DEE: Yeah. Well, I can't do it all by myself. MAC: Oh, I'm sorry. So Charlie's wasting away, and we're gonna talk about Sweet Dee's feelings all morning. Great. DEE: Okay, you know what? I love Charlie very much. But this is a stupid idea you guys have. So you know what? I am not helping you with it. DENNIS: Oh! Whatever! Whatever. MAC: You know what, Dennis? We don't need her. DENNIS: You're right. MAC: We don't need her. DENNIS: What we'll do is we'll find a girl for Charlie tonight in the bar. MAC: Yes. DEE: (from the backroom) No, you won't. DENNIS: Yes, we will. DEE: There are never any girls in this bar. Cut to Paddy's pub during the night - filled with only guys. Dennis and Dee are ar the bar. DENNIS: Goddamn it! DEE: I told you. DENNIS: I don't get it, Dee. There are tons of women in this city. Where do they go? DEE: Uh, they're at the velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue. DENNIS: Why? DEE: Dennis, our bar is in South Philly in a scary alley. Might as well call it Rape Bar. DENNIS: No, no, no. The problem is that every time a beautiful girl comes into a place like this it's always the biggest a**hole that winds up accosting her. Cut to Mac, who's talking to a girl named Carmen, by the pool table MAC: Carmen, you have the most amazing body. Are you bulimic, or what? CARMEN: No. I work out, like, every day. MAC: Yeah, it shows. CARMEN: You look like you work out too. MAC: Yeah. One would think actually. But it's pretty much all natural. Cut back to Dennis and Dee DEE: Dennis, maybe you need to rethink this whole plan of yours. I don't think getting Charlie laid is gonna help his cancer problem. DENNIS: Whatever. Mac runs to them MAC: Dennis, I found the perfect girl for Charlie. Smart, beautiful, the whole thing. DENNIS: Where? MAC: Right there. (points to Carmen) DENNIS: Over by the pool table? MAC: Yeah. Nice. DENNIS: That's great, Mac. DEE: Good work, Mac. DENNIS: That's a dude. MAC: No. The one with the exposed midriff and the cans. DENNIS: Yeah. That's Eric Wyzotski's cousin. Carmen, right? DEE: Yeah. MAC: Yeah, Carmen. DENNIS: Tranny. DEE: Implants? DENNIS: Yeah. DEE: Nice. DENNIS: Not bad. It's good. MAC: Are you sure? DENNIS: Yeah. Look at his jeans, dude. There's an unmistakable bulge of a large penis in those jeans. DEE: There's a dick in those pants. MAC: There's a dick in those pants. DENNIS: Yeah. MAC: I'll be right back. He goes to Carmen, who is talking to another guy MAC: Excuse me, bro. Can you give me a second? - Thanks. (to Carmen) Is that a penis in your pants? CARMEN: Yeah. MAC: You lied to me. CARMEN: No, I didn't. You lied to me. You don't work out? Please. I've seen you at the gym. You're ripped. MAC: No. Don't turn this around. Wait. Really? You think so? CARMEN: Yeah. MAC: (flexes his muscles) I was afraid I was getting a little too ripped, you know? CARMEN: Oh, no. I like it. MAC: Wow! Hmm. Well, I gotta get back to work. Um, but I don't know. Maybe I'll give you a call sometime. CARMEN: Okay. MAC: Yeah. Yeah, I'll give you a call. Mac walks away, the camera zooms in on Carmen's bulge. INT. THE COFFEESHOP - DAY Charlie is sitting at a table, looking at the Waitress. Charlie wants attention, he raises his hand and coughs. WAITRESS: What do you want, Charlie? CHARLIE: I like your bracelet. WAITRESS: Great. CHARLIE: That's one of those, uh, Lance Armstrong "Race for the Cure" "Live Strong" kind of things. WAITRESS: Yeah. CHARLIE: Cool. That's very cool. You must be a very compa**ionate person. WAITRESS: I'm not. CHARLIE: Uh WAITRESS: Did you want something from me, or... CHARLIE: What time are are you getting off of work? (The waitress sighs and walks away) It's not a thing to walk away about. Whatever. INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY Dee is cleaning tables (Charlie-work) while talking to Dennis DEE: Dennis, I don't have time to talk to you about this. DENNIS: But we found the perfect girl for Charlie. DEE: That's awesome. DENNIS: Okay, you know the waitress over at the coffee shop - the one that he's been in love with forever? DEE: Yes. DENNIS: Well, okay. DENNIS: He saw her wearing one of those Lance Armstrong "Race for the Cure" "I Love People that are Dying of Cancer" type bracelets. DEE: That's really cool. DENNIS: Well, so that bracelet probably means that she's compa**ionate towards sick and dying people. You know what I mean? That's what that symbolizes. DEE: You know what that symbolizes? Those bracelets symbolize jumping on fashion trends. And you know what the thing that's so rad is? They come in all kinds of colors now, so you can accessorize your compa**ion with your outfits. Really cool. DENNIS: All right. All right. Well, be that as it may, we still need you to talk to her because the whole thing is gonna sound so much better coming from a girl. DEE: First of all, I don't have time since, apparently I'm the only one who does anything around here anymore. And second of all, it's gross! DENNIS: I'm sure that there's something Mac and I can do for you that will convince you to help us. INT. MAC'S APARTMENT Dennis walks into the apartment, where Mac and also Charlie already are. DENNIS: Sweet Dee is in. CHARLIE: Sweet Dee's in what? Dennis is surprised to see Charlie, Mac gestures him to find a way out of the situation DENNIS: She is in way over her head. CHARLIE: In what? DEE: Debt. CHARLIE: Huh. I know that game. Dennis gestures to Mac to come with him MAC: I'm gonna get a beer. You want one? Great. CHARLIE: Uh, yeah. MAC: Nice cover, dick. DENNIS: Thanks. MAC: So Sweet Dee's in? DENNIS: Yeah. Uh, under one condition. MAC: What? DENNIS: She gets to punch you in the face. MAC: What? DENNIS: Right in the face. MAC: Why? DENNIS: The Christmas party. A flashback starts MAC: (to an unknown person) How about that game against Dallas when Santa came out at halftime and we threw batteries? Dee wants to surprise Mac, but Mac thinks that he gets attacked - so he hits Sweet Dee in her face. End of flashback MAC: She grabbed me from behind. It was instinctual. DENNIS: I know that, man.You don't grab. MAC: You don't grab from behind. DENNIS: Not from behind. MAC: That s**s because if Sweet Dee's out, we need to find another girl quickly. DENNIS: Uh, well... We, uh, you know We kind of need her. We kind of need Sweet Dee. MAC: You're sayin'... Are you talking about letting Sweet Dee punch me in my face? DENNIS: Charlie has cancer. They look at Charlie, who seems happy - watching tv. INT. THEATRE CENTER - DAY Dee is practicing a play with another student DEE: "So you're new here, yeah? Who are you?" ARTEMIS: Who am I? I'm just a small-town girl who moved to the big city with big dreams just to find out the only way to make it in the big city is to shake it. And that's what I do at the Coyote Ugly. End scene. DEE: Wow. Artemis, that was amazing. ARTEMIS: Wow! That really means a lot. But you won't be seeing me in cla** anymore. I lost my job at the Wawa. DEE: I'm sorry. Are you doing another scene? ARTEMIS: I won't be able to pay my bills! I'm thinkin' about goin' on welfare! What am I gonna do? - Oh, my God! Ow. (cries and kneels before Dee) DEE: Okay. Cut to Dennis in his Car, singing along a Rick Astley song. DENNIS: "Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and hurt you" (his phone rings) Hello? DEE: Hey, Dennis. It's Dee. I was... What are you listening to? DENNIS: Uh, Rick Astley. What's up? DEE: Oh, nothing. Only I just solved all of our problems. DENNIS: Really? DEE: Mm-hmm. Except for Charlie and the whole cancer thing. But I did figure out how to get help at the bar. DENNIS: Sweet Dee, we talked about this. DEE: No, no. Just listen. I was thinking we could do that whole Coyote Ugly theme. You know, where the girls dance on top of the bars - take their bras off and stuff. DENNIS: I'm listening. DEE: Okay, well, I have a friend who would be absolutely perfect for it. She'd work for tips only. And she would even come in and interview with you, so you could see if you liked her. DENNIS: Would she wear the, uh, hot pants, tank top, wanna-hump-hump pumps? DEE: Oh, yeah. DENNIS: Do it. DEE: Okay. Only under one condition. I don't wanna help you get that waitress to sleep with Charlie. DENNIS: Oh, come on, Sis. We need you. DEE: Okay, you know what? You gotta choose. Charlie's waitress or a hot new bartender? Cut to Dennis, entering Mac's apartment DENNIS: Sweet Dee's out. MAC: What? DENNIS: Yeah. She's too busy training this new bartender. Apparently, she's got this hot new friend who sh-she Dennis sees Carmen, next to Mac on the couch DENNIS: Hey. CARMEN: Hey. DENNIS: Hi. CARMEN: Carmen. DENNIS: Dennis. What are you guys, uh What are you doin'? MAC: Just watchin' a basketball game. DENNIS: Oh. CARMEN: I was just leaving actually. DENNIS: Oh, oh, no, no, no. You know what? I was gonna leave. I mean, you you you could... CARMEN: No, it's okay. I've got a hair appointment in, like, 20 minutes. It was nice to see you. DENNIS: It was good to see you. CARMEN: (to Mac )So I'll see you tonight? MAC: Oh. Mm-hmm. CARMEN: I'll pick you up at 8:00? MAC: Cool. Carmen high-fives Mac, and walks away DENNIS: Okay. Dennis gives Mac a look MAC: She's gettin' it removed. DENNIS: So what? MAC: I'm just puttin' in my time, you know? So that afterwards I'll be DENNIS: Gross, dude. MAC: First. DENNIS: Gross. EXT. COFFEESHOP - DAY Mac and Dennis are in the car, watching how Charlie is spying in the waitress again. MAC: This is just pathetic. DENNIS: Yeah. MAC: All right. Let's roll. DENNIS: W-Wait. Well.. Well, what's the plan? The plan is that you're gonna distract Charlie, okay? I'm gonna march up to that waitress, tell her that he has cancer. All right? She's gonna feel sorry for him, and then she's gonna sleep with him. DENNIS: That's not gonna work. You can't just do that. MAC: Well, what do you wanna do? (Dennis is thinking) Cut to the waitress behind the counter ,Dennis approaches her WAITRESS: Hey, Dennis. DENNIS: Charlie has cancer. WAITRESS: Really? DENNIS: Yeah. WAITRESS: That's so sad. DENNIS: Yeah. WAITRESS: Are you okay? (touches his hand) DENNIS: Yeah. I'm I'm all right. She keeps playing with his hand INT. MAC'S APARTMENT MAC: You did what? DENNIS: I slept with her. MAC: Charlie's been in love with that girl for months. DENNIS: I know, man. I don't know what happened. I mentioned the cancer thing. She instantly started comin' on to me. MAC: Really? DENNIS: Yeah, you were right about that. Cancer gold mine. MAC: What.. What are we gonna do? DENNIS: (Takes some cash money) Don't worry. I got a plan. Cut to Mac, standing in front of the waitress, showing the cash MAC: Bam. WAITRESS: Bam? What's that? MAC: $200. WAITRESS: Why? MAC: Well, Dennis was thinking that that might help convince you to sleep with our friend Charlie. WAITRESS: Gross. (looks at Mac) 250. MAC: Deal. EXT. CARMEN'S APARTMENT Mac walks up to Carmen's apartment MAC: Hey, Carmen! Hey, yo, Carmen! Carmen opens up her window CARMEN: Hey. MAC: Charlie has cancer. CARMEN: Oh, my God! You poor baby. I'll be right down. Mac smiles Cuts to Charlie and the waitress, and Mac and Carmen "having fun", while "Never Gonna GIve You Up" is playing in the background INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY Dee is moving a keg, while Dennis watches tv. DEE: Hey, Dennis! Could you help me with this keg, please? DENNIS: Uh, I slept a little funny on my neck. Hey, is your friend gonna be doin' stuff like this? DEE: Um ARTEMIS: Hello. The camera moves to Artemis. DENNIS: Can I help you? ARTEMIS: I'm Artemis. DENNIS: Okay. ARTEMIS: I'm here for the audition. Dennis looks reproachful to Dee Cut to Artemis on the bar, about to start her audition. ARTEMIS: I'm just a small-town girl who moved to the big city with big dreams just to find out the only way to make it in the big city is to shake it. That's what I do. Shake it. Shake it. You wanna see me shake it? (to Dennis) Of course you do. They all do. I shake it. Shake it. I shake it. I shake it. I shake it. I sha... (she licks Dennis) Cut to after the audition. DENNIS: You cannot possibly have thought that this was gonna be a good idea. DEE: Oh, you know what? This is so you. I tell you I need some help behind the bar. I finally find someone who's perfect, and she'll practically work for free. And just 'cause she doesn't have the right measurements or whatever, you freak out. DENNIS: Oh, you just want somebody to do all the grunt work for you. DEE: Shh! She's gonna hear you. DENNIS: I don't care! Charlie enters the bar CHARLIE: Hey-oh! What's goin' on? Gotta pee. Charlie heads to the toilets, Dennis follows him DENNIS: Hey, buddy? CHARLIE: Dennis! DENNIS: What's goin' on, man? You seem really happy. CHARLIE: Uh, I feel pretty happy. DENNIS: Do you? What happened? CHARLIE: I think you know what happened. DENNIS: Uh, I might. CHARLIE: Yeah. I think you do know. You talked to that waitress, right? DENNIS: Yeah. CHARLIE: It totally worked. It totally I don't know what you said, but we went out on this date. She really likes me. So thank you, man. DENNIS: You're welcome, man! - Yeah, you seem flush. You seem like a... CHARLIE: I feel like a I feel like an ice cream sundae, you know? DENNIS: That's great, man. That is terrific. It must really take your mind off things then, huh? CHARLIE: Sure, yeah. What things? DENNIS: Well, you know, the cancer. Charlie flushes and comes out of the stall CHARLIE: Here's the thing though, about cancer. I don't have it. DENNIS: What? Cut to Mac, standing by a snackbar, talking to his mom on the phone MAC: Mom, I'm telling you, this girl's amazing. Yeah, I got bu*terflies in my stomach. There's one little issue. Yeah. (Carmen sneaks up onto him, like earlier with Dee - Mac hits her) CARMEN: Oh! Oh, my God! I think you broke my nose! GUY 1: That guy's beatin' on that chick! CARMEN: Oh, my God! MAC: Oh, no. You know what? It's a dude. Yeah, she has a penis. So it's okay. GUY 2: Dude, isn't that a hate crime? GUY 1:sh**, yeah, it's a hate crime! The guys start chasing Mac Cut back to Charlie and Dennis. DENNIS: How could you do this? CHARLIE: Oh, well, excuse me for bein' the most terrible man on the planet! DENNIS: I'm sorry. CHARLIE: (Gestures a box around his head) Oh, I'm a terrible man! DENNIS: What are you doing? What is that? We thought you were dying, Charlie. CHARLIE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's we? DENNIS: Me and Mac and Sweet Dee. CHARLIE: Oh, great! Great. I told you not to tell anyone! Now I'm gonna have to go into remission or something so they don't think I was lying. DENNIS: You were lying! CHARLIE: Yeah. I lied to you, all right? Look. The girl she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet. Okay? So I tell you that I have cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her. She's gonna feel sorry for me. We're gonna start dating. And that's the way that life works, man! DENNIS: That was a horrible thing to do! CHARLIE: Well, I'm a bad guy then. DENNIS: You are a bad guy! You lied to us. CHARLIE: All right, look at this. Sometimes you gotta crack a few eggs to make an omelet. DENNIS: You gotta crack a couple eggs to make an omelet? CHARLIE: You gotta crack an egg. DENNIS: So you're throwing down life lessons now? CHARLIE: I'm throwin' down eggs! DENNIS: Cla** is in session. The teacher's teachin' cla** now! CHARLIE: I'm crackin' eggs of wisdom. DENNIS: Is that what you're doin'? Let me crack one more egg for you and throw it in the omelet! CHARLIE: You got an egg? DENNIS: The waitress doesn't even like you. CHARLIE: Yeah? DENNIS: We had to pay her $250 to have s** with you! CHARLIE: Aha! Because... Sex? We didn't have s**. Charlie realizes what he has missed. Cut to Mac, still being chased Cut back to the bar. DENNIS: Hey! Guess what, Dee. You're gonna love this. CHARLIE: No, no, no. DENNIS: Give me a second. Charlie was lying the whole time. He doesn't have cancer. CHARLIE: Well, how could you not tell me - that you paid her to have s** with me? DEE: What? Mac gets into the bar. DENNIS: I don't understand how you could possibly be so.. DEE: You can't lie about having cancer! It's not something you do! DENNIS: We thought you were dying! MAC: Guys, guys, guys, listen! You're never gonna believe what happened! I accidentally punched that tranny in the face. These two guys started chasing me. Dee, get me a beer. It was unbelievable. I ran all the way here. (to Dee) Go. Dee punches Mac, in his face. EXT. THE WAITRESS' HOUSE - DAY Mac and Dennis are standing before her house, they fistbump MAC: Hey. DENNIS: Hey. WAITRESS: Hey, what the hell do you guys want? DENNIS: Well, it's funny. It's a, uh It's a funny, funny thing. MAC: It's funny. Uh, we paid you $250 to sleep with Charlie and... DENNIS: And you never actually had s** with him. So we were wondering if we could get the 250 bucks back. MAC: If you could toss that back our way, that'd be great. She closes the door DENNIS: Is it Is it locked? MAC: Yeah. DENNIS: She's probably gettin' the money though, right? Dennis tries to open the door again MAC: Dennis! END OF EPISODE