Rob McElhenney - Charlie Got Molested Script lyrics

INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY Intro: 11:15 AM. On a Monday. Philadelphia, PA Charlie and Dennis are playing pool, Mac is at the bar - reading a newspaper. DENNIS: On the side. CHARLIE You didn't do that on purpose. Otherwise that would have been a great shot. DENNIS: Watch this. Side pocket. MAC: Holy sh**! - DENNIS: What? MAC: "Christopher Murray, a teacher at St. Vincent's Elementary has been accused of s**ually abusing two former students." DENNIS: St. Vincent's? That's that school you went to, right, Mac? MAC: Yeah, me and Charlie. CHARLIE: What else does it say? MAC: "Murray has been the physical education teacher and boys' basketball coach for 25 years." Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Ah. "The accusers are two brothers whose names are being withheld but the investigation will focus on the mid-1980s as the time period for alleged abuse. The police are hoping more young men will come forward." DENNIS: Wow. That's horrible. DEE: Did this guy teach you guys? MAC: Yeah. CHARLIE: No. MAC: Yes, he did. We were in the same cla**. CHARLIE: No. Yeah. Well, no, I didn't like it though. MAC: What the hell are you talking about? CHARLIE: I didn't like that cla**. MAC: What? CHARLIE: I gotta go! Charlie runs away DENNIS: Holy sh**. Charlie got molested. OPENING SEQUENCE INT. DENNIS' APARTMENT DENNIS: When dealing with molestation, the first step is always understanding. So we need to take a moment and a**ess the situation. Write this down. DEE: What? No, look. First of all, we can't sit around and let him wallow in it. And second of all, the first step is acknowledgment. So I better write that down. DENNIS: No. No, no. MAC: Whoa! What, guys... What the hell are you guys talking about? DENNIS: Sweet Dee and I took psychology at Penn, so let the grown-ups talk. DEE: Okay? Thank you. Okay? Listen. I think we need to have an intervention. You know, bring his friends and family together for support. DENNIS: Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's tell everybody Charlie knows that he got blown by a gym teacher. Then we'll throw him a little surprise party, celebrate the occasion. Okay, you know what? You being a smarta** not helping Charlie. MAC: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who said anything about getting blown? DENNIS: The article didn't specify what type of abuse it was. It could have been anything. MAC: Yeah, but do you think he got blown? DENNIS: I don't know. DEE: Yeah, you know? Probably got blown. Which is why I think you need to reconsider my idea. MAC: Okay. You know what? Stop. I'm sorry. We need to clarify something here. Do you think that Murray blew these guys? DENNIS: Why are you so obsessed with the blowing aspect of all this? MAC: Because I knew these two brothers that the article was talking about. The McPoyle twins Ryan and Liam. Okay? They were the type of kids that would blow snot bubbles and rub 'em over each other. They were gross, and they smelled like a couple of unwiped a**holes. DENNIS: So what? MAC: Well, if Murray is, like, fondling or touching them, whatever I get it, all right? But if he's dishing out blow jobs, come on. I just don't understand. DENNIS: What do you not get? DEE: What are you talking about? MAC: You're not getting this? I was in that cla** with them, all right? I was with those guys! Mac walks out of the living room Cut to Mac, packing some stuff Dee and Dennis enter DENNIS: Um, are you okay, dude? MAC: No, dude. I'm not okay. DEE: How come you're getting so upset? MAC: The police are asking for more young men to come forward. That means there are more guys out there who've been blown. DENNIS: What are you looking for? MAC: Photographs. I have photographs. DENNIS: Oh, my God. You have photographs of it? DEE: Oh! Okay. Listen, are you trying to say that you got molested? MAC: (shows a picture of a younger him) Okay, look at this. Look at this guy, huh? I was cute. I was energetic. I was fun. I mean, what exactly was this prick looking for? DENNIS: What are you... DEE: Sorry? MAC: If the McPoyles got blown and Charlie got blown then why didn't I get blown? DENNIS: You're goin' to hell, dude. DEE: Seriously. Cut to Charlie, knocking in the McFoyle's door CHARLIE: Yo! McPoyle! Hey, open up! Liam opens, only wearing a towel around his waist LIAM: Hey, Charlie. Long time no see. What do you want? CHARLIE: Is your brother here, man? I gotta talk to you guys. LIAM: Yeah? CHARLIE: Yeah! Can I come in? LIAM: Yeah. CHARLIE: Come on, man. I need to talk to you guys. Go. Move. Go. Go. Come on. (he awkwardly enters) I'm not gonna walk in front of you! Go. LIAM: Just come in. CHARLIE: No, you go first, and I will follow you. LIAM: Shut the door. CHARLIE: I will shut the door. Cut to Dennis and Dee, still outside - they must've watched Charlie DEE: Whoa. That was really weird. DENNIS: Yeah. Well, this confirms it. He definitely got molested. DEE: Ugh. We gotta get in there. DENNIS: Get We gotta get in there? DEE: Yes. DENNIS: You can't just thrust yourself in the position of caregiver like that. DEE: "Caregiver"? Why are you throwing around big words? I actually majored in psych, so DENNIS: You failed all your cla**es. DEE: So? DENNIS: I had a minor, and I pa**ed all mine. DEE: Well, you know what? Three-quarters of a major is bigger than a whole minor. DENNIS: I don't even know how to respond to that. DEE: That doesn't surprise me. DENNIS: Well, it shouldn't because what you said is really dumb, you know. DEE: That's a good one. DENNIS: Yeah, it is. DEE: That was good. I liked that one. DENNIS: I felt good about it. Cut to the McPoyle house Charlie is sitting on the couch LIAM: So did you want a beverage of some kind? CHARLIE: No! Where's your brother? LIAM: We just stepped out of the shower. He'll be down in a minute. CHARLIE: Listen, you guys can't go - Did you just say "we"? LIAM: What? CHARLIE: Did you just say, "We just stepped out of the shower"? LIAM: I said "he". CHARLIE: Right. Okay. Listen. I heard about the Coach Murray thing. You guys cannot go to the police and say that he molested you. LIAM: Why not? CHARLIE: Because he didn't molest you! LIAM: That's true, but he's a dick, and we hated him. This is our chance for revenge. CHARLIE: You want in? CHARLIE: No! RYAN: I think you do. (walks in) Hello, Charlie. CHARLIE: Hello, Ryan. RYAN: I don't know if you've been paying attention to the news recently but there are millions to be made here, my friend. Oh, sure, there's the cla**ic route of priest molestation but we thought we'd mix it up a bit. LIAM: We're going after the whole damn school board. If you want in on the team, we could probably get a nice cla**-action suit going. CHARLIE: Okay. Okay, first of all, there are people out there who actually have been molested. And you guys are gonna exploit that for your own personal gain? You a**holes are securing your place in hell. RYAN: We thought about it. We're willing to roll the dice. CHARLIE: (gets up) I won't let you do it. I'm gonna call the cops. LIAM: Oh, no, you won't, Charlie. CHARLIE: Oh, yes, I will. RYAN: Oh, my friend, I'm afraid not. CHARLIE: And why not? LIAM: We'll tell the cops the whole thing was your idea. Cut to Charlie, and the two brothers in the Pub CHARLIE: We should tell the cops that that fat dickhead gym teacher we had in junior high molested us and just sue the sh** out of him! Cut back CHARLIE: I was joking. LIAM: Really? Again a cut to a year later CHARLIE: I'm not joking though. I'm not joking. I'm really not. I wouldn't even joke about something like that. We should do it. I wanna do it. Cut back CHARLIE: sh**. RYAN: We'd hate to have to put this whole thing on your shoulders. CHARLIE: sh**. LIAM: So you're gonna have to keep your mouth shut. You don't have to join us, but if anyone asks you point-blank... (whispers) Your a** got molested. Otherwise, we're talking conspiracy charges. RYAN: And prison can be a bad place for someone like you, Charlie. LIAM: (touches Charlie's hair) A very bad place. Cut to Dee and Dennis DEE: Soon as Charlie comes out, we gotta grab him, take him back to the bar get him liquored up and tell him, "We know you got molested." DENNIS: Gonna have to disagree with you, Sis. I think we need to ease him into it. (they duck) There he is. DEE: Okay, you know what? Dr. Gainer used to say that in situations like this... DENNIS Dr. Gainer? That guy was an idiot. DEE: He was not. DENNIS: Yes, he was. Talk about molesters. That guy - DEE: He didn't molest me. I had s** with him 'cause I wanted to. DENNIS: You had s** with Dr. Gainer? DEE: Of course I did. DENNIS: No, you had Oh! DEE: He was a hot older man. DENNIS: Gross! DEE: Okay. You know what? You have no room to talk. All the girls you've molested. DENNIS: Whoa, whoa. Don't start throwing that word around like it's meaningless, okay? This is serious. DEE: Fine. DENNIS: Fine. DEE: Great. Molester. EXT. MURRAY'S HOUSE Mac rings the door (wearing extremely tight shorts), Murray opens MAC: Hey, Coach Murray! MURRAY: Yeah? MAC: It's me Mac! Cut to inside the house MURRAY: I don't know what this sh** is all about. One day the cops just roll into my cla**room and they haul me out of there. And they did it right in front of my kids too. MAC: Yeah. Totally. (closes the blinds) MURRAY: Molestation? I mean, please! I got so much a** back in those days. What the hell did I need that kind of sh** for? MAC: God, man, I hear you. So much a**, it was like Whew. (sits next to Murray, who moves away) MURRAY: Oh, and you know what, to tell you the truth? I don't even remember who these a**holes are that are accusing me. MAC: Nothing special there, right? Nothing special. You know, Coach, I've been working out a lot since grammar school. MUURAY: Good for you, son. MAC: Yeah, it's good for you, right? You know when you get real tight, like, right up in here in this area here? - You know what I mean? (grabs his thighs) MURRAY: Yeah. MAC: Not here. (grabs Murray's thighs) Like right in here. MURRAY: What are you doing? MAC: What do you want me to do? Murray throws Mac out of his house MAC: All right. Okay. Oh! INT. PADDY'S PUB Once again Charlie and Dennis are playing pool DENNIS: That's a good shot, bud. Hey, tell me something, man. What's been going on with you lately? You just seem... CHARLIE: You know, um, I'm just distracted. DEE: Is that why you ran out of the bar the other day? CHARLIE: No. No. I was I had some stuff I needed to do. It just popped in my head. DENNIS: Yeah, well, that's understandable. We've all got things that we have to do. DEE: Yeah. What you running from, Charlie? CHARLIE: What? DENNIS: Dee, could you grab me a beer? DEE: Grab one yourself. DENNIS: I'm right in the middle of a game. DEE: Your game isn't working. Let me play now. DENNIS: Let me play the game the way I want to play it. DEE: Your way is dumb, and it's not working. DENNIS: Then we'll play your game. DEE: It's not gonna get the results we want. You're playing a game for children, and it's not working. DENNIS: Charlie's not a baby. (Charlie walked away) Charlie! Great. Nice. Good job, Dennis. Great. DENNIS: How are you gonna put this on me? You messed it up! - You messed it up! DEE: We have to push him! DENNIS: Push him? You're pushing him away. Now he knows something's up. DEE: Good. DENNIS: Good? Mac walks in MAC: Guys, I have good news! I've been reading up on the subject of pedophilia. It turns out that it isn't about s** after all. It's about power. So, the a**ailant doesn't go after the one he finds most attractive this guy. He goes after the weakest he can find. DEE: Wow. That is good news. DENNIS: Jesus, Mac. What is wrong with you? MAC: No. You're not following. If Murray was looking for the weakest he could find, it wouldn't have been Charlie. DEE: Why not? MAC: Because Charlie was a bit of a psychopath. When he got excited, his face would turn purple and he'd start biting things. I don't think Murray would've put his dick anywhere near him. DEE: What about the McPoyle brothers? MAC: They were prime real estate. I'm sure he went to town on them. DENNIS: What's your point? MAC: Charlie didn't get molested. (Dee and Dennis laugh) What? DENNIS:: Good. I'm sure he didn't. I'm sure he didn't. DEE: Yeah. DENNIS: Leave this to the two people that are qualified to deal with the situation. DEE: It is cute that you did some research and got four books though. DENNIS: Nice work. DEE: Yeah, good job. You know what? We tried it your little tippy-toe p**y way. That failed miserably. So now why don't we try something that will work? Cut to Charlie's mom's house, Dee rings the bell DENNIS: Look, I just want to say that I think this is a terrible approach. DEE: You know how I already know that? 'Cause you keep saying it. DENNIS: I keep saying it because it is. I'm sorry you're wrong about stuff all the time. DENNIS: I'm sorry that you're sorry all the time. DEE: What? - That doesn't make any sense. DENNIS: I don't care. MRS. KELLY: Well, hello, Dennis! DENNIS: Hi, Mrs. Kelly. MRS. KELLY: Don't you look so handsome! - And, Dee, so beautiful. DEE: Thank you, Mrs. Kelly. I'm sorry we had to stop by like this, but we really need to talk to you about something. MTS. KKELLY: What? DEE: It's about Charlie. Cut to inside the house, Mrs. Kelly is crying MRS. KELLY: Oh, I can't believe this! I just can't believe it! Though I have to admit, it does explain a lot about him. DEE: Yes, we were thinking the same thing. DENNIS: Yes. MRS. KELLY: Oh. Be strong, Bonnie. Be strong for your little gingerbread man. Now is not the time for an episode. DENNIS: Are you okay? MRS. KELLY: I'm fine! So, what do you need from me? Cut to Charlie, entering his mother's house CHARLIE: Hello? Ma? MRS. KELLY: In here, Charlie! CHARLIE: Hey, I got your message. You sounded kinda funny. MRS. KELLY: Come on back, honey. CHARLIE: Is everything all right? (sees that there will be an intervention for him) MRS. KELLY: Hello, Charlie. CHARLIE: Mom? Grandma? Uncle Jack? What's... What's everybody doing here? MRS. KELLY: Well, we've all gathered here at the request of your friends. DENNIS: Hey, bud. DEE: Hi, Charlie. LIAM: Hello, Charles. MRS. KELLY: I don't exactly know how one of these things are supposed to go. But we understand that there's been some abuse. (points to Liam and Ryan) These two boys have been strong enough to admit what happened and we thank you for that. RYAN: Just hope that that man goes away for a long, long time. LIAM: Prison can be a bad place for a guy like that. Very bad place. MRS. KELLY: Now, we're not exactly sure how this thing is supposed to go. But your friends have been helping us out on a couple of key points. Now? (Dee gives her a baby doll) Okay, Charlie, show us on the doll. CHARLIE: Show you what? MRS. KELLY: Where he touched you. UNCLE JACK: Oh, yeah. MRS. KELLY: Shall I turn it over? UNCLE JACK: Yeah, turn her over. Do it. Slow. (charlie moves his finger towards the bu*t of the doll) Slow. INT. MCPOYLES CAR RYAN: I think that went well. You did a wonderful job, Charlie. LIAM: I really think they bought it. CHARLIE: Oh, yeah. Definitely. I gotta say, my favorite part was at the end there when we were all hugging and my sister screamed and told everyone that I touched her vagina. LIAM: Yeah! RYAN: So, Charlie where to? CHARLIE: Oh, well, I was thinking we should, uh, zip down to the police station file an official report. I gotta do it sometime, right? LIAM: That's the spirit. CHARLIE: Let's get it on the books. Cut to the police station CHARLIE: Excuse me. I'd like to, uh, speak to a detective, please. OFFICER: Name? CHARLIE: Charlie Kelly. OFFICER: And what is this in reference to? CHARLIE: Sodomy. OFFICER: Okay. Uh, take a seat. Someone will be right with you. LIAM: You're doing the right thing, Charlie. RYAN: The American school system's been oppressing people for years. It's about time we start doing a little oppressing ourselves. LIAM: That doesn't make sense. RYAN: Yes, it does. LIAM: How are we oppressing anything? You need to think before you speak. RYAN: You do. DETECTIVE: Charlie Kelly? CHARLIE: (gets up) Oh. That's me. Uh, I'll be right back. LIAM: Have a good time. Twenty-five million is a lot of clams. Split it 50-50. RYAN: Charlie's gonna want something. How 'bout Charlie? Charlie is pointing to them, while talking to the detective LIAM: Yeah. He'll want some. He's not gonna get some. RYAN: We could always split it 50-50-50. LIAM: You even hear what you're saying? Your gums are bleeding. (to Charlie) How'd it go? CHARLIE: Great. I just ratted you out. (walks away) DETECTIVE: Can I see you two boys for a minute, please? INT. PADDY'S PUB - NIGHT DENNIS: So you're not gonna get in any trouble at all? CHARLIE: Uh, no. No, not really. And since the McPoyles are gonna plead guilty, I'm off the hook completely. DENNIS: That's great. DEE: Sorry. Was he saying that the intervention worked? DENNIS: No, I don't think that's what he's saying. DEE: What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed. Turns out three-quarters of a major not so bad after all. CHARLIE: And the best part of it, actually, for me now is the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested. So, in a way, my life is ruined. In the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry and cry and cry and drink for a while. (walks away) DENNIS: Emotional release. Another giant step forward. DEE: My God, we're good. DENNIS: Doctor. DEE: Doctor. Cut to Murray's house, where Mac is again MAC: Yeah, yeah. I mean, so I just want to apologize again for the other day. MURRAY: It's all right, Mac. Don't worry about it. MAC: Awkward, right? MURRAY: You know what? You were a good student at school. You got potential. Just put that in your pocket. MAC: Really? You mean that? MURRAY: I mean that. MAC: Great, Coach. That's all I really needed to hear. MURRAY: Good. MAC: That is so great for me. MURRAY: Hey, say hi to those folks for me. MAC: I will. Thanks. MURRAY: All right. (Mac leaves, Murray closes the door) That little prick's goin' to hell. END OF EPISODE