Roald Dahl - Dear Friends, We Surely All Agree lyrics

'Dear friends, we surely all agree There's almost nothing worse to see Than some repulsive little bum Who's always chewing chewing gum. (It's very near as bad as those Who sit around and pick the nose). So please believe us when we say That chewing gum will never pay; This sticky habit's bound to send The chewer to a sticky end. Did any of you ever know A person called Miss Bigelow? This dreadful woman saw no wrong In chewing, chewing all day long. She chewed while bathing in the tub, She chewed while dancing at her club, She chewed in church and on the bus; It really was quite ludicrous! And when she couldn't find her gum, She'd chew up the linoleum, Or anything that happened near– A pair of boots, the postman's ear, Or other people's underclothes, And once she chewed her boy friend's nose. She went on chewing till, at last, Her chewing muscles grew so vast That from her face her giant chin Stuck out just like a violin. For years and years she chewed away, Consuming fifty packs a day, Until one summer's eve, alas, A horrid business came to pa**. Miss Bigelow went late to bed, For half an hour she lay and read, Chewing and chewing all the while Like some great clockwork crocodile. At last, she put her gum away Upon a special little tray, And settled back and went to sleep– (She managed this by counting sheep). But now, how strange! Although she slept, Those ma**ive jaws of hers still kept On chewing, chewing through the night, Even with nothing there to bite. They were, you see, in such a groove They positively had to move. And very grim it was to hear In pitchy darkness, loud and clear, This sleeping woman's great big trap Opening and shutting, snap–snap–snap! Faster and faster, chop–chop–chop, The noise went on, it wouldn't stop. Until at last her jaws decide To pause and open extra wide, And with the most tremendous chew They bit the lady's tongue in two. Thereafter, just from chewing gum, Miss Bigelow was always dumb, And spent her life shut up in some Disgusting sanatorium. And that is why we'll try so hard To save Miss Violet Beauregard From suffering an equal fate. She's still quite young. It's not too late, Provided she survives the cure. We hope she does. We can't be sure.'