Ricky Gervais - Pilot Script lyrics

OPENING SEQUENCE INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE Jim and Michael are talking in his office MICHAEL: All right Jim, your quarterlies look very good. How the thing is going at the library? JIM: Oh I told you couldn't close it so' MICHAEL: So you've come to the master for guidance? (imitating) Is this what you're saying gra**hopper? JIM: Actually you called me in here, but yeah. MICHAEL: All right, well let me show you how it's done. (gets on phone) Yes, I liked to speak to your office manager please. Yes hello this is Michael Scott, I am the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin paper products. Just wanted to talk to you, manager-on-manager. (cut to the office and cut back) All right done deal, thank you very much sir, you're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh I'm sorry, ok, I'm sorry, my mistake. (hangs up) That was a woman I was talking to she had a very low voice. Probably a smoker. So, so that's the way it's done. Cut to Michael, walking to the Dunder Mifflin logo Michael: (to the camera) I've been in Dundler Mifflin for twelve years, the last four as regional manager. If you want to come through here, (opens the door to the main office) so we have the entire floor, so this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see, ah this is our receptionist Pam. (goes to the receptionist) Pam, Pam Pam! Pam Beesly. Pam has been with us for' for ever, right Pam? PAM: Well, I don't know! MICHAEL: If you think she's cute now you should have seen her a couple of years ago! (makes faces) PAM: What? MICHAEL: Any messages? PAM: Yeah, just a fax (hands the fax to Michael) MICHAEL: Pam this is from corporate. How many times have I told you that there's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate. PAM: You haven't told me! MICHAEL: It's called the wastepaper basket. (throws the paper away, laughs) Look at that! Look at that face! (points to Pam) Cut to Michael's office MICHAEL: People say I'm the best boss. They go, "God we've never worked in a place like this before, you're hilarious, and you get the best out of us." I think that pretty much sums it up (shows a mug, "World's Best Boss") I found it at Spencer Gifts. Cut to Dwight, grabbing his headset, humming a song, Jim looks at the camera, helpless Cut to Jim, talking to the camera JIM: My job is to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply to them whether they can pay for it and... I'm boring myself just talking about this. Cut to Dwight and Jim, Michael walks to them MICHAEL: Wazzaaaaaa JIM: Wazza. (to camera) He still loves that after seven years! Michael and Dwight continue for a while MICHAEL: (to Jim) What? JIM: Nothing MICHAEL: Ok, all right. See you later. JIM: All right, take care. MICHAEL: Back to work. Cut to Angela, pointing to Kevin that he has something on his face Cut to Jan, entering MICHAEL: (talking to Camera) Corporate really doesn't interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan, hello! I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton, right? Not to her face because, not because I'm scared of her, because I'm not, but yeah. Cut to Jan, Michael and Pam, sitting in Michael's office JAN: All right, was it anything you wanted to add to the agenda? MICHAEL: Me no get an agenda. JAN: I'm sorry, what? MICHAEL: I didn't get any agenda. JAN: Oh I faxed one over to you this morning. MICHAEL: Really? Cause I didn't... (to Pam) did we get a fax this morning? PAM: Yeah, the one... MICHAEL: Why isn't it in my hand? Because a company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem Pam, why didn't I get it? PAM: You put it in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet. MICHAEL: Yeah, that was a joke, that was actually my brother's, it was supposed to be with bills and doesn't work great with faxes. JAN: Do you want to look at mine? (hands agenda to Michael) MICHAEL: Yeah. Thank you. JAN: Ok since the last meeting, Alan and the board have decided that we can't justify Scranton branch and the Stanford branch. Michael don't panic-- MICHAEL: Oh ok. No, No no no no this is good, this is fine. JAN: Michael listen, don't panic. We haven't made any decisions yet, I've spoken to Joshua in Stanford I've told him the same as you, and it's up to either you or him to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other. MICHAEL: Ok no problem. JAN: This does however mean that there is going to be downsizing. MICHAEL: Me no wanna hear that Jan, because downsizing is a b**h, it is a real b**h, and I wouldn't wish that on Joshua's men, I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men, or women present company excluded sorry. Is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing? Cut to Dwight, tapping on Jim's right shoulder (while standing left from him.) Jim looks to the right and Dwight walks away laughing Cut back MICHAEL: Question: how long do we have to (phone rings) Oh, Todd Packer, terrific rept, do you mind if I take it? JAN: No, go ahead MICHEAL: (picks up) Pac man! PACKER: Hey, big queen MICHAEL: Oh, that's not appropriate PACKER: Hey, you told Godzilla coming in today? MICHAEL: I don't know what you mean PACKER: Look, I demanded ask her one question. "Does the corporate master rape" MICHAEL: (hangs up) Oh my god! That's so horrifying! Horrible Horrible person! JAN: So do you think we can keep a lid on this for now I don't want to worry people unnecessarily. MICHAEL: No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. Cut to the office, Ryan just arrived and Michael walks to him PAM: This is Mister Scott. MICHAEL: Guilty, Guilty as charged. RYAN: Ryan Howard from the temp agency, set me down to start today MICHAEL: Howard, like Moe Howard, Three Stooges? Right here, my vibe. (imitates Moe, high fives Ryan) Oh Pam, that's a guy thing Pam. I'm sort of a student in comedy. Watch this, here I go. (imitates Hitler) I'm Hitler, Adolf Hitler Cut to Pam, talking to the Camera PAM: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then I might It's just, I don't think it's many girls dream to be a receptionist. I like to do illustrations, mostly water color, a few oil pencil. Jim thinks they're good. Cut to Pam's desk PAM: (on phone) Dundler Mifflin this is Pam. Cut to Jim's desk JIM: (on phone) Sure, Mr. Davis, let me call you right back. Yeah, some just came up, two minutes. Thank you very much. Dwight, what are you doing? DWIGHT: What? JIM: What are you doing? DWIGHT: Just clearing my desk, I can't concentrate JIM: It's not on your desk. DWIGHT: It's overlapping. It's all coming over the edge. One word, two syllables : demarcation. Cut to Jim's desk, he's put pencils between their desks as a fence. Dwight arrives DWIGHT: You can't do that. JIM: Why not? DWIGHT: Safety violation, I could fall and pierce an organ. JIM: (crosses fingers) We'll see (Dwight smashes all the pencils away with his phone) (to camera) This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me. Cut to Dwight, talking to the Camera DWIGHT: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here even brought it up on my interview. I say, bring it on! Cut to Pam's desk, Michael is standing there PAM: You just still have messages for yesterday. MICHAEL: Relax everything is under control Yeah, yeah, yeah oh that's important, right. Oh, this is so important, I should run to answer it. Tries to leave as Six Million Dollar Man PAM: What? MICHAEL: Come on. Six million dollars man, Steve Austin, actually that would be a good salary for me don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan: I deserve a raise PAM: Don't we all? MICHAEL: I'm sorry? PAM: There's nothing! MICHAEL: If you are unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR, ok? Not today, ok? Pam just, be professional. Cut to Michael, talking to the Camera MICHAEL: I think I'm a role model here, I think I garner other people respect. Cut to the office MIICHAEL: Attention on Dundler Mifflin employees, please we have a meeting in the conference room ASAP Cut back to Michael MICHAEL: People I respect, heros of mine, would be Bob Hope, Abraham Lincoln, definitely, Bono, and probably God be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world, in so many ways, that it's, it's really beyond words. It's really uncalculable. Cut to the conference room MICHAEL: Now, I know there's some rumors out there, and I just kind want to see'. DWIGHT: I'm a**istant regional manager, I should know first. MICHAEL: Assistant to the regional manager. DWIGHT: Ok. Can you just tell me please? Just a whisper in my ear. MICHAEL: I'm about to tell everybody. I'm just about to tell everyone DWIGHT: Please, ok. Do you want me to tell them? MICHAEL: You don't know what it is! DWIGHT: Can you tell them, with my permission? MICHAEL: I don't need your... DWIGHT: Permission granted. Go ahead MICHAEL: Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me, and Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stanford branch or this branch. RYAN: (outside the conference room, on the phone) I heard they might be closing this branch down, That's just That's just the rumor going around this is my first day I don't really know. OSCAR: Yeah, but Michael what if they downsize here? MICHAEL: Not gonna happen STANLEY: It could be out of your hands, Michael MICHAEL: It won't be out of my hands, Stanley, ok? I promise you that. STANLEY: Can you promise that? DWIGHT: On his mother's grave. MICHAEL: Well, eh no. Yeah it is a promise, and frankly I'm a little bit insulted that you have to keep asking about it. STANLEY: It's just that we need to know MICHAEL: Hold on a second, I think Pam wanted to say something, Pam? You had a look that you wanted to ask a question, just then? PAM: I was in the meeting with Jan and she did said that it could be this branch that gets the axe. MICHAEL: Pam? Maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings. DWIGHT: Pam, information is power. STANLEY: So you can't say for sure whether it's gotta to be us or them. MICHAEL: No no, no Stanley, no you did not see me in there with her. I said, if corporate wants to come in here, and interfere then they're gonna have to go through me, right? You know, you can go a mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillen. Cut to Jim, talking to the Camera JIM: If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know, tonnage price of manila folders? Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mix berry. Cut to Pam, eating yogurt at her desk Cut to Pam, talking to the Camera PAM: Jim said mix berries? Yeah he's on to me. Cut to the office, Ryan and Michael walk to Dwight MICHAEL: Watch out for this guy! Dwight Schrute in the building! This is Ryan, the new temp. RYAN: Nice to meet you. MICHAEL: Introduce yourself, be polite DWIGHT: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. MICHAEL: Assistant to the Regional Manager. So Dwight tell him about the kung fu, and the car and everything. DWIGHT: Yeah, I got a 78-2-8 , I've bought her for 1200, fixed it up, now worth three grand. MICHAEL: That is his profit! DWIGHT: New engine, suspension I've got some photos (opens his drawer) Damn it! MICHAEL: Ok, hold on, Judge is in session. What is the problem here? DWIGHT: He put my stuff in jello again. (shows his stapler in Jello - Pam laughs) That's real professional, thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first time. Cut to Dwight talking to the Camera DWIGHT: It's ok here, but people some how is taking advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer sheriff's deputy on the week-ends, and you cannot screw around there. It's one of the rules. MICHAEL: What is that? DWIGHT: (tries to take it out) That's my stapler. MICHAEL: No no no, do not take it out! You have to eat it out there, because there are starving people in the world, (laughs) and which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food. DWIGHT: (points to Ryan) Ok, you know what? You can be a witness. (to Michael) Can you reprimand him please? JIM: (eating Jello) How do you know it was me? DWIGHT: It's always you. Are you gonna discipline him or not? MICHAEL: Ooh discipline, kinky! All right, here's the deal you guys, the thing about practical jokes, is that you have to know when to start, as well as when to stop! And yeah, Jim, now is the time to stop pulling Dwight's personal effects into jello. JIM: Ok, Dwight I'm sorry because, I've always been your biggest Flam MICHAEL: Nice, that's the way it is around here RYAN: You should have put him in custard-y! MICHAEL: Yes, new guy! He scores! DWIGHT: Ok that's great, I guess, what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all. MICHAEL: Pudding... I'm trying to think, another dessert to do. Cut to Pam's desk, Jim is talking to her JIM: Do you like to going out at the end of a week for a drink? PAM: Yeah! JIM: Oh, that's why we all going out, so we can have an end of the week drink! PAM: Well then when are we going out? JIM: I don't know, tonight, hopefully. PAM: Ok, yeah. Roy enters ROY: Hey man! PAM: Hey! JIM: What's going on? ROY: Hey baby! Cut to Pam, talking to the Camera PAM: Roy is my fiancee, we've been engaged about about 3 years, and we were supposed to get married in September, but I think we'll gonna get married in the spring. Cut back PAM: Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys? ROY: No, come on. Let's get out of here and go home. PAM: Ok, I will be out in a few minutes so it's like twenty past five I've still to do my faxes. Pam leaves JIM: You know you should come with us, because you know we are going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office, I think it could be fun. ROY: No, it sounds good but seriously we gotta get going JIM: Yeah What's in the bag? ROY: Just tell her I'll talk to her then.. (he leaves) JIM: No definitely. All right dude, awesome, will do. Cut to Jim, talking to the Camera JIM: Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding? Cut to Michael's office, where he and Ryan sit down MICHAEL: So, have you felt vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard, right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I am a friend first, and a boss second. Probably an entertainer third. (someone knocks) Just a second Right? Oh, hey do you like the Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Yeah Punk'd, and all that kind of stuff? You are going to be my accomplice, just go on with that ok? All right Just follow my lead, don't pimp me all right? Come in! (Pam enters) So corporate just said that I don't want to' PAM: you got a fax MICHAEL: Oh thank you (Pam wants to leave) Pam Pam? Can you come in here for a sec? Just have a seat, I was gonna call you in anyway, you know Ryan? As you know, there is going to be downsizing and you have made my life so much easier, in that I'm going to have to let you go first PAM: What? Why? Why? MICHAEL: Well, theft, and stealing PAM: Stealing? What am I suppose to have stolen? MICHAEL: Post-It notes. Post-It notes? What of those worth like 50 cents? MICHAEL: You steal a thousand Post-It notes at 50 cents a piece, then you know you've made a profit margin. Resell of business Pam PAM: Are you serious? MICHAEL: Yeah. PAM: I can't believe this, I mean, I have never even stolen as much as a paper clip and you're firing me. MICHAEL: And the best thing about it is that we are not gonna have to give you any severance pay, because that is gross misconduct, and, just clean out your desk. I'm sorry. (Pam starts crying, Michael realises this) You've been X'd punk'd! Surprise it's a joke, we were joking around, you see? Ok, he was in on he was my accomplice (Ryan shakes his head) and there was cascand around booster thing, and we were showing the new guy around the kind of, to give him the field of place, so. God, you were, we totally got you. PAM: You're a jerk MICHAEL: Well, I don't know about that Pam leaves Cut to Michael, talking to the Camera MICHAEL: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? No it's the people. The "people". My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17%, or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy, a first job in the country, barely spoke English, came to me and said "Mr Scott, would you be the Godfather to my child?" Wow, wow, wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He s**ed. Cut to Jim's desk, Pam walks up to him PAM: Hey JIM: Hey how are you? PAM: Good I thought you were going out for a drink with-- JIM: Oh no. How's your headache? Better, thanks. PAM: Good Are you... JIM: Walking out? PAM: Yes JIM: Yes do you wanna? PAM: Yeah JIM: Great, let me just Oh Roy PAM: (leaving) Yeah, listen have a nice week-end! JIM: Yeah definitely you too! Enjoy it Jim gets something from underneath his desk JIM: Come here... (walks into Michael's office, reveals Michael's "The World's Best Boss" mug in Jello.) END OF EPISODE