Professor Elemental - I'm British lyrics

I begin every sentence with an apology Sorry that's the case. That's just British policy Probably the case with, everything in honesty I use ten words when two would do, honestly I'm British And that makes me unique At least I think so, when I hear you speak See we used to have an empire, but we got a little co*ky Like haha, Johnny foreigner, I'd like to see you stop me And sure enough, we rhubarb crumbled Now in every town, all the drunk teens stumble I'm rather glad really, it made us more humble Come and ask me where I'm from, dear boy, I won't mumble I'm British I don't want to be fantastic Just adequate, and if I'm nice it's probably sarcastic Ridiculously cynical that's what we're like If you can't take a joke, get on your bike I'm British Like a clotted cream tea Apologetic Morris dancer then you must be me I'm British Like the wickets in Cricket Like crikey, blimey, nice one, wicked I'm British As a fat dame in a panto Like Wodehouse, Orwell, Wells and Poe So if you're down with the Brits then make some noise But if you'd rather not, that's fine We're ever so nice to our pets And we know not to work too hard We're inventive, accepting, eccentric And yes, I suppose we're a bit bizarre But if you delight in celebrities taken down Just because of the way they live Or you can feel bleak joy in a seaside town as the rain pours down on your chips Or you can drink ten pints of Admirals Without ever breaking your stride Or repress your emotions and pa**ions And bury them deep inside Then I've kept a room in a cramped B&B With a TV that only shows BBC2 And I have the keys right here I've been keeping them just for you I'm British As Williams, James, Hattie Jacques School dinners, roast dinners, ma**ive cakes I'm British As a chimney sweep Chim chim cheree! Or a professor in a pith accompanied by Chimpanzees So if you're down with the Brits then put your hands in the air But if you'd rather not, that's fine, actually I mean I don't want to cause too much of a fuss Well, at this point I'd just like to take a moment to apologise on behalf of Britain for all the things that we've brought to the world Simon Cowell, for example, and eh, Jim Davidson. Fox hunting. Black pudding. Racism But most of all, we're all terribly, terribly sorry about Piers Morgan