Paul Austin Kelly - Tortoise And The Hare lyrics

A hare was dancing in the middle of the street You know his feet were slappin' down a funky beat. He had his arms thrown wide, he was a sight to see His mouth was runnin' mile a minute spewin' out debris. He was singin' his own praises as you might have guessed And then out came this proclamation 'bout his speediness: “I'm a speed demon, I'm a shooting star, I peel the paint right off the cha**is of a racing car. I got the rockets in my heels like Mercury, Yeah, when it comes to speed there's no one holds a candle to me. I turn the light out in my room sometimes just for a lark And I'm in bed and covered up before the room gets dark! Now that's fast!” Well a crowd had gathered and they started to cheer They were dancin' in the street and they were drinkin' beer. The hare was swelled to bursting from his recent boast And his agent grabbed the microphone to make a toast. The more praise lauded the more that hare's head grew When he heard a voice holler, “I'm faster than you!” Well the hare reared up and he shot a glance He rolled his shirt sleeves up and he hitched his pants. He said, “Who dares to challenge the King of Speed? You'd better make your will before I make you bleed!” And when the crowd about-faced in a single move There stood an old green tortoise putting on the groove. “You think you're pretty cool You think you're pretty fast You think you're King of Speed You know that just can't last. You got an attitude You got an ego, too You got an arrogance It'll be the d**h of you. You think yourself a hare You're just a rabbit to me And I can beat any rabbit In the first degree. You wanna take me on You wanna win the cup You gotta prove the pudding Or else shut up. You wanna win your crown You have to break a sweat You haven't proved a thing To these people yet. You're just flappin' gums You're just a yappin' gob You gotta put up or shut up, So take the job!” Well, the hare started laughing and the crowd did, too Having fits of hysteria 'til they're turning blue. The hare said, “You? You? You haven't got a chance! You make me laugh so hard I almost wet my pants! You say you want a race? I'm ready to depart. I'll cross the finish line before you even start!” “I'm a speed demon, I'm a cannon ball, You might be heck on wheels but I'm hell on paws. I'm like Speedy Gonzalez on caffeine, I got the rockin' locomotion in my genes. I'm the streak of light on a scimitar, I'm Lightnin' Hopkins on electric guitar And that's fast!” The pistol sounded and the race was on The hare was out of sight but the tortoise was calm. He plodded steadily onward to a four-four beat With two pairs of Reeboks on his feet. He had a knowing smile upon his face And this to say as he kept his pace: “That rabbit way up there He thinks I got no chance He's lookin' mighty fine In leather runnin' pants. He's laughin' awful hard He thinks it's in the bag It's all too easy for him Hear him boast and brag. He hasn't got a clue Beyond his jibes and jeers That I been training hard For the last three years. I've been working out At my local gym And my honest sweat Will win out over him. I got him dead to rights With these four fat feet Gonna settle his hash With a steady beat. I'm gonna cut him down To his rightful size When I cross that line When I win that prize.” So, now a mile out front we pick up Mr. Hare He's just boppin' along without a single care. He ran the race full-tilt for ‘bout the first half mile And then he settled back jogging in his lazy style. He spied a shady grove beneath an old oak tree And thought, ‘I'll rest me here till slowpoke catches Up with me.' Well, he sat himself down on that comfy sod And in thirty seconds he was starting to nod. He was feeling woozy, he was feeling good And inside two minutes he was sawing wood. He woke up two hours later with a crick in his spine Just in time to see the tortoise cross the finish line. How the crowd did scoff and how the crowd did scorn A hare so slow should be ashamed he that he'd been born. They paid no heed to his excuses, he had had his day They lifted Tortoise on their shoulders, carried him away. He could hear the victory bell ringing, Ding! Ding! Ding! And from a distance he could hear the crowd begin to sing: “He's a speed demon, he's a vegetable, He's an old dray horse with a load to pull. He's got no rockets in his pockets, it's just lead shot, And his rockin' locomotion has all gone to pot. He's black strap mola**es in a right deep freeze, He's the Energizer bunny with no batteries He's last!”