Ookla The Mok - Number One lyrics

I am a gambler I am Fortune's son I am the first mate of the NCC-1701D Well I had an encounter at Farpoint Station With a little touch of constipation While I was waiting to come aboard and meet my crew But when the captain arrived I got this feeling inside That there was something that I needed to do And it's true That when I got to my quarters there was something missing I didn't have a pot to piss in But I was too proud to ask an ensign where to go And so I flashed with a smile and held it in for awhile And tried not to let it show But you know CHORUS: I asked the ship's computer I checked the technical guide But there are no bathrooms on the Enterprise I've been here seven days And I can't wait anymore Pretty soon I'm gonna boldly go where no one's ever gone before I can't sit down, I'm in some condition How'd Kirk survive on a five year mission? This new a**ignment is getting harder to endure Cause I ain't feeling so great and I'm putting on lots of weight I couldn't make it through a three hour tour That's for sure And now I've gained twenty pounds and I grew a beard How could I shave without a bathroom mirror? If I don't get some relief I'm gonna split my skin Cause I'm as round as a globe and if I don't launch a probe Soon I'll weigh enough to be my own twin My transporter twin CHORUS