Ned - Monkey bars lyrics

[Intro] I can masturbate on the monkey bars On the monkey bars, on the monkey bars I can masturbate on the monkey bars On the monkey bars, on the monkey bars [Verse One] Look at me, look at me Smoking here cause it's good to be So high, and I'm a stoner/slacker I sit in the stair so stupid-ly I can show you how to smoke a bowl I touched my balls and Boris Becker I can take a sh** down a gofer hole I got more twist than Chubby Checker I can jack my dick at Dairy Queen I can shave the back of a hairy queen I can make out with a gay Chuck Norris And I can slap a b**h cause I'm very mean Me and my friend raped a pair of Wops Me and my friend dated Carrot Top My Siamese twin has to share a cuck Paul McCartney's wife can spare a sock [Hook One] Cause I can play Led Zeppelin on a xylophone On a xylophone, on a xylophone And I can sh** my pants in a nursing home In a nursing home, in a nursing home [Verse Two] Look at me, look at me Just called to say it's so good to be So high, I'm so damn wasted Braindead like a lobotomy I can make and it'll make a chick sore I can have s** with a tangerine I buy used condoms at the thrift store I can hunt a deer from a limousine I can show you that I'm psychotic I can put my thighs in very erotic positions I clone sheep in my kitchen I slept with my dad now I'm neurotic I can read palms I can tell the future I'm the only guy who punk'd Ashton Kutcher Show me your titties and I will twist ‘em I can fist you with no resistance! [Hook Two] Cause I can cure cancer with an ice-cream cone With an ice-cream cone, with an ice-cream cone And I can shoot marbles with my kidney stones With my kidney stones, with my kidney stones {*musical trumpet interlude*} What the hell? I didn't order a goddamn trumpet solo! Sounds like he's playing the trumpet with his a**hole Hey Louis Armstrong, wrap it the f** up! Ooh let's kick it in! [Verse Three] I can k** young boys and fry ‘em up, in my walk And I can pinch your neck and make you faint, like I'm Spock I'll teach you yoga, we'll drink the Coor[?], I'll wear a toga on Yom Kippur I can k** you with violent masturbation You cannot stop your fascination[?] I can be a goddamn YouTube sensation All I need is lube and Three Day Nations I can make you do long division Just because I don't like ya And can make fun of your religion Just cause I wanna spite ya [Hook Three] And I can kick your a** in a chicken fight In a chicken fight, in a chicken fight And I can solve all problems with a pound of dope With a pound of dope, with a pound of dope And I can meet the pope and get my salad tossed Get my salad tossed, get my salad tossed Get my salad tossed, get my salad tossssssssssssssssssed! [Intro]