Naturalist - Saudade lyrics

On my birthday I lost my world, staring at a shower door The places my mind explores left me blocking off my bedroom door The ones I love I push away. I see them die most every day And it's more than avoidance can save. I pray the lord my soul to take I want to know what it's like to live a life other than mine I'm tired of being inside my head but it gets the best of me sometimes It's what I deserve, I'm dying slowly to show my worth It's what I deserve, I'm dying slowly to show my worth I think of everything. I am the sum of two people who never fell in love I have become everything I've hated all at once I think of all the things that keep me awake I think of all the times I've pushed you away I'm buried in my thoughts again, nothing makes sense