Matilda: The Musical Original London Cast - Lavender's Act Two Monologue lyrics

[Lavender:] Hello. I'm Lavender, by the way. Matilda's best friend! There's a bit coming up that's all about – me! Well, not ALL about me. But I play a big part in it. But I'm not going to say what happens, because I don't want to spoil it for you. (She starts walking off the stage with the microphone, then stops.) All right. Look. What I do is I volunteer to give the Trunchbull a jug of water. And on the way back . . . No! I don't want to tell you anymore because I don't want to ruin it! (She walks completely off stage. After a moment, she runs back on.) Well . . . On the way back, I find a newt. A newt is like a really ugly lizard that lives in water. And so I pick it up and . . . No! I'm not saying any more! (She raises her fists and growls, then huffs off. Before she can make it off stage, she turns around.) I'm going to put the newt in the Trunchbull's jug! It's going to be brilliant! (She runs offstage with the microphone for the final time.)