Marta Kauffman - The One With the Thumb lyrics

PRE-INTRO SCENE: CENTRAL PERK PHOEBE: (ENTERING) Hi guys! ALL: Hey, Phoebs! Hi! ROSS: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go? PHOEBE: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said "We should do this again!" ALL: Ohh. Ouch. RACHEL: What? He said, "We should do it again," that's good, right? MONICA: Uh, no. Loosely translated "We should do this again" means, "You will never see me naked." RACHEL: Since when? JOEY: Since always. It's like dating language. You know, like "It's not you," means "It is you." CHANDLER: Or "You're such a nice guy," means "I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you." PHOEBE: Or, or, you know, um, "I think we should see other people" means, "Ha, ha, I already am." RACHEL: And everybody knows this? JOEY: Oh yeah. Cushions the blow. CHANDLER: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm. ROSS: That's funny, that-- no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm. MONICA: Uh, Ross. ROSS: What? Hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it w-... Oh my God, Chi Chi! (INTRO) SCENE 1: CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT. (JOEY IS REHEARSING A PART; CHANDLER READS THE OTHER PART FROM A SCRIPT) CHANDLER: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?" JOEY: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die." CHANDLER: Hey, that was really good! JOEY: Yeah? Thanks! Let's keep going. CHANDLER: Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?" JOEY: "I just wanna go back to my cell. Because in my cell, I can smoke." CHANDLER: "Smoke away." (JOEY TAKES OUT A PACKET OF CIGARETTES AND A LIGHTER. HE FUMBLES AND DROPS THE LIGHTER. THEN HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE, TAKES A DRAG AND COUGHS) CHANDLER: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone. JOEY: What? CHANDLER: Relax your hand! (JOEY LETS HIS WRIST GO LIMP) CHANDLER: Not so much! JOEY: Whoa! CHANDLER: Hey! JOEY: Hey! CHANDLER: Alright, now try taking a puff. (JOEY TRIES AND VISIBLY WINCES) CHANDLER: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me. JOEY: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette. CHANDLER: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here. (JOEY RELUCTANTLY GIVES HIM THE CIGARETTE) CHANDLER: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete. JOEY: You miss it? CHANDLER: Nah, not so much. All right, now we smoke. (TAKES A PUFF) Oh my God. (CONTINUES TO SMOKE) JOEY: Chandler, give me that. CHANDLER: No no no. You got your options. You can hold it like this... JOEY: Chandler... CHANDLER: Or you could just hold it in your mouth and smoke it like this. JOEY: Chandler, give me the cigarette. Give me, give me. CHANDLER: All right. You try it. JOEY: Thank you. All right, how's this? (JOEY TAKES A PUFF) CHANDLER: Okay, that's not bad. All right, now, when you're finished, it's really cool if you flick it. You kind of flick it. You flick it-- (JOEY FLICKS THE CIGARETTE TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM) That's good. All right, you keep practicing, and I'll go put out the sofa. [SCENE 2: CENTRAL PERK (ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL AND PHOEBE)] CHANDLER: I thought it had to do with the size of the guy's feet. MONICA: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger. (THE GUYS STRETCH OUT THEIR FINGERS) JOEY: That's ridiculous! ROSS: Can I use... either thumb? CHANDLER: I'd rather go with the foot theory. RACHEL: (BRINGING DRINKS) Allright, don't tell me, don't tell me! (HANDING THEM OUT) Decaf cappuccino for Joey... Coffee black... Late... And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this! ALL: Yeah. Yeah, excellent. RACHEL: (LEAVING TO SERVE OTHERS) Good for me! (THE GANG SWAP ROUND ALL THE DRINKS) (ENTER PHOEBE, MUTTERING. SHE SITS DOWN WITHOUT SAYING HI) JOEY: Y'okay, Phoebe? PHOEBE: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank. MONICA: What did they do to you? PHOEBE: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT- ROSS: Easy. PHOEBE: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account. CHANDLER: Oh, Satan's minions at work again... PHOEBE: Yes, because now I have to go down there, and deal with them. JOEY: What are you talking about? Keep it! PHOEBE: It's not mine, I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing. RACHEL: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping! PHOEBE: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear with every step I took? "Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine." And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- "Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine..." MONICA: We're with you. We got it. (CHANDLER LEANS OVER THE BACK OF THE COUCH, OUT OF SIGHT) PHOEBE: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt. RACHEL: Chandler, what are you doing? (MONICA PULLS CHANDLER UP) MONICA: Hey. What are you doing? (CHANDLER TRIES TO SHRUG NONCHALANTLY BUT EVENTUALLY EXHALES A MOUTHFUL OF SMOKE) ALL: Oh! Oh, God! ROSS: What is this?! CHANDLER: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking. PHOEBE: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years! CHANDLER: And this- is my reward! ROSS: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit. You know what? Forget about you. Think about what we went through the last time he quit. CHANDLER: Okay, so this time I won't quit! ALL: Ohhh! Put it out! CHANDLER: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (HE DROPS IT IN PHOEBE'S COFFEE) PHOEBE: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now! MONICA: All right. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date. RACHEL: Is this Alan again? How's it going? MONICA: It's going pretty good, you know? It's nice, and, we're having fun. JOEY: So when do we get to meet the guy? MONICA: Let's see, today's Monday... Never. ALL: Oh, come on! Come on! MONICA: No. Not after what happened with Steve. CHANDLER: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry. MONICA: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out. RACHEL: Well, then can we meet him? MONICA: Nope. Schhorry. (JOEY LOOKS AT THE DISTANCE BETWEEN HIS INDEX FINGER AND THUMB AGAIN) ROSS: Joey, let it go. [SCENE 3: IRIDIUM (MONICA AND PAULA ARE AT WORK)] MONICA: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd. PAULA: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. Come on, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you. MONICA: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked. PAULA: Well, you do realize the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy. MONICA: So? I don't know. You mind if I whimper a little bit? Paula: Whimper. (MONICA DOES A FAKE SHORT WHIMPER) MONICA: Okay, I'm done. (CUT TO RACHEL & MONICA'S APARTMENT. CHANDLER IS SMOKING ON THE BALCONY, PHOEBE IS ABSENT) JOEY: Let it go, Ross. ROSS: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi. MONICA: Do you all promise? ALL: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good! MONICA: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler? Do you promise to be good? (CHANDLER MAKES A 'CROSS MY HEART' SIGN. IT STARTS TO RAIN AND CHANDLER TAPS ON THE WINDOW) JOEY: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside! (CHANDLER SULKILY PICKS UP A GARBAGE CAN LID AND SHELTERS HIMSELF UNDER IT) (ENTER PHOEBE. SHE STRIDES TO THE COUCH, SITS DOWN AND BEGINS TO READ WITHOUT SAYING HI) ROSS: Hey, Pheebs. PHOEBE: "Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE) -football phone as our free gift." Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone! RACHEL: What bank is this? (DOOR BUZZER) MONICA: Hey. It's him. (TO INTERCOM) Who is it? ALAN (INTERCOM): It's Alan. JOEY: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler! He's here! (CHANDLER COMES IN, DRIPPING WET) MONICA: Do I look okay? ROSS: One more bu*ton. (MONICA UNbu*tONS ONE MORE bu*tON) Closed. How about closed? MONICA: (bu*tONS SHIRT) I didn't know. MONICA: (TO ALL) Okay, please be good. Remember how much you all like me? (OPENS THE DOOR- ENTER ALAN) MONICA: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan. ALAN: Hi. ALL: Hi, Alan. ALAN: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh! (GENERAL HYSTERIA) [SCENE 4: RACHEL & MONICA'S (LATER IN THE EVENING)] MONICA: (AT THE DOOR, TO ALAN, WHO IS LEAVING) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (TO ALL) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm? (SILENCE) Come on. ROSS: I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him. ALL: Loved him! Yeah! He's great! MONICA: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with? ALL: Yeah! RACHEL: That mento trick. CHANDLER: I will never look at an olive the same way again. RACHEL: And did you notice...? (SPREADS HER THUMB AND INDEX FINGER) JOEY, CHANDLER, ROSS: (RELUCTANTLY) Yeah. JOEY: You know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked. PHOEBE: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe! ROSS: What shoe? PHOEBE: From the nursery rhyme. "There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while..." (DUBIOUS PAUSE) ROSS: So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured. RACHEL: What future boyfriends? No no, I th- I think this could be, you know, it. MONICA: Really! CHANDLER: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Ha**elhoff impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (DOES A DAVID HASSELHOFF IMPRESSION) ROSS: You know what I like most about him, though? ALL: What? ROSS: The way he makes me feel about myself. ALL: Yeah... [SCENE 5: CENTRAL PERK (MONICA ALONE. ENTER ROSS, RACHEL, CHANDLER & JOEY, DEJECTEDLY, IN SOFTBALL GEAR)] MONICA: Hi. How was the game? ROSS: Well... ALL: We won! Thank you! Yes! MONICA: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible? JOEY: Alan. ROSS: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right? But instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-... RACHEL: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team. CHANDLER: Yep, we sure showed those Hasidic j**elers a thing or two about softball. MONICA: Can I ask you guys a question? Do you ever think that Alan is maybe... sometimes... ROSS: What? MONICA: I don't know, a little too Alan? RACHEL: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan. ROSS: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore. CHANDLER: I personally could have a gallon of Alan. (CUT TO A STREET WHERE LIZZIE IS RESTING. PHOEBE WALKS UP TO HER) PHOEBE: Hey, Lizzie. LIZZIE: Hey, Weird Girl. PHOEBE: I brought you alphabet soup. LIZZIE: Did you pick out the vowels? PHOEBE: Yes. But I left in the Y's. Because, you know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE) LIZZIE: Saltines? PHOEBE: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone? LIZZIE: What? (OPENS THE ENVELOPE PHOEBE GAVE HER) Oh my God, there's really money in here. PHOEBE: I know. LIZZIE: Weird Girl, what are you doing? PHOEBE: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it. LIZZIE: No, no, I ha- I have to give you something. PHOEBE: Oh, that's fine, no. LIZZIE: Would you like my tin-foil hat? PHOEBE: No. Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks. LIZZIE: Please, let me do something. PHOEBE: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay? LIZZIE: Okay. PHOEBE: Okay. (CUT TO CHANDLER'S OFFICE BLOCK) (CHANDLER LOOKS AROUND, THEN OPENS HIS DESK DRAWER AND TAKES A PUFF OF A CIGARETTE. THEN HE SPRAYS AROUND SOME AIR FRESHENER AND TAKES SOME BREATH SPRAY. HE TYPES FOR A MOMENT. THEN HE OPENS THE DRAWER AGAIN AND TAKES ANOTHER PUFF. NOT PAYING ATTENTION, HE SPRAYS THE BREATH SPRAY AROUND THE ROOM, TAKES A SQUIRT OF AIR FRESHENER AND GAGS) (CUT TO PHOEBE AND LIZZIE AT A SODA STAND) LIZZIE: Keep the change. (TO PHOEBE) Sure you don't wanna pretzel? PHOEBE: No, I'm fine. LIZZIE: (LEAVING) See ya. (PHOEBE OPENS THE CAN AND REACTS) PHOEBE: Huh! (CUT TO CENTRAL PERK) ROSS: A thumb?! (PHOEBE NODS) ALL: Eww! PHOEBE: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker! CHANDLER: Well, maybe it's a contest, you know? Like, collect all five? PHOEBE: Does, um, anyone wanna see? ALL: Nooo! (CHANDLER LIGHTS A CIGARETTE) ALL: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out! RACHEL: It's worse than the thumb! CHANDLER: Hey, this is so unfair! MONICA: Oh, why is it unfair? CHANDLER: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this? (UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE) JOEY: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody? RACHEL: Well, I- I could live without it. JOEY: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair? (PHOEBE SPITS OUT HER HAIR) ROSS: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Phoebs, I think it's endearing. JOEY: Oh, (IMITATING ROSS) "you do, do you"? (MONICA LAUGHS AND SNORTS) ROSS: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly. RACHEL: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work. PHOEBE: Yeah, because otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered. RACHEL: Ohh-ho-ho. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on. (THEY DEGENERATE INTO BICKERING AND CHANDLER HAPPILY STARTS TO SMOKE, UNDISTURBED.) [SCENE 6: IRIDIUM (AGAIN, MONICA AND PAULA AT WORK)] MONICA: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like? PAULA: No. MONICA: Okay... Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like. PAULA: W-wait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through! MONICA: Can you believe it? ...You know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing. PAULA: Honey... you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him! MONICA: I know.. it's gonna be really hard. PAULA: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it. MONICA: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about. (CUT TO CENTRAL PERK, WHERE JOEY AND ROSS ARE PERSECUTING CHANDLER) JOEY: Do you have any respect for your body? ROSS: Don't you realize what you're-- you're doing to yourself? CHANDLER: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it. RACHEL: (WITH PHONE) Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you. CHANDLER: Really? He does? (TAKES PHONE) Hey, buddy, what's up? Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ...well, that's true,.. Gee, you know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (HANDS BACK THE PHONE AND STUBS OUT HIS CIGARETTE) RACHEL: (TO ROSS, WHO HAS WANDERED UP) God, he's good. ROSS: If only he were a woman. RACHEL: Yeah. (THEY GIVE EACH OTHER A DUBIOUS LOOK) (CUT TO THE GANG MINUS MONICA AND JOEY WATCHING LAMBCHOP AT RACHEL+ MONICA'S) CHANDLER: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking, too. ROSS: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. (DOES SO) (ENTER MONICA) MONICA: Hey. Where's Joey? CHANDLER: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I k**ed him. Do you think that was wrong? RACHEL: I think he's across the hall. MONICA: Thanks. (GOES TO FETCH HIM) ROSS: (FINISHES CHANGING CHANDLER'S NICOTINE PATCH) There y'go. CHANDLER: (DEADPAN) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now. ROSS: Hey Phoebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Phoebs? PHOEBE: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart? ROSS: Hey, I might! PHOEBE: Sorry. You know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb. ALL: You're kidding. Oh my God. PHOEBE: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum... What is up with the universe?! JOEY: (DRAGGED IN BY MONICA. HE HAS JUST COME OUT OF THE SHOWER) What's going on? MONICA: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together. JOEY: It's even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear... (SITS DOWN) RACHEL: Uh, Joey.. JOEY: Oh, God! (HURRIEDLY CLOSES HIS KNEES) MONICA: (TURNS OFF TV) Okay.. ALL: Oh! That was Lambchop! MONICA: Please, guys, we have to talk. PHOEBE: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu... no, I'm not. MONICA: All right, we have to talk. PHOEBE: There it is! MONICA: Okay. It's- it's about Alan. RACHEL: Oh, speaking of which, can you tell him that we're on for the Renaissance Fair next weekend? Everybody: Oh yeah! Monica: Guys, before you get into that, there's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this... uh, I've decided to break up with Alan. (THEY ALL GASP AND CLUTCH EACH OTHER) ROSS: Is there somebody else? MONICA: No, no no no... it's just.., things change. People change. RACHEL: We didn't change... JOEY: So that's it? It's over? Just like that? PHOEBE: You know, you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (CHEWS HER HAIR) MONICA: Look, I- I could go on pretending- JOEY: Okay! MONICA: No-- that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan-- It wouldn't be fair to you! ROSS: Who-- who wants fair? You know, I just want things back. You know, the way they were. MONICA: I'm sorry... CHANDLER: (SARCASTIC) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better! RACHEL: (TEARFUL) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up, I wanted him to meet my family-- MONICA: I'll meet someone else. There'll be other Alans. ALL: Oh, yeah! Right! MONICA: Are you guys gonna be okay? ROSS: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time. MONICA: (DUBIOUS) I understand. (CUT TO MONICA TELLING ALAN IN A RESTAURANT) ALAN: Wow. MONICA: I'm, really sorry. ALAN: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved. MONICA: Relieved? ALAN: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you... I just can't stand your friends. (CLOSING CREDITS) [CREDITS SCENE: RACHEL + MONICA'S (THE GANG ARE MOPING AROUND, EATING ICE CREAM)] RACHEL: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats...? That was fun. ROSS: Yeah. He could row like a viking. (ENTER MONICA) MONICA: Hi. ALL: Mmm. ROSS: So how'd it go? MONICA: Oh, you know... PHOEBE: Did he mention us? MONICA: He says he's really gonna miss you guys. (DUBIOUS LOOK) ROSS: You had a rough day, huh... MONICA: You have no idea. ROSS: Come here. (SHE SITS DOWN AND ROSS STROKES HER FOREHEAD) CHANDLER: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes. ALL: No no no! CHANDLER: (LEAVING) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke! PHOEBE: (SHOUTS AS HE LEAVES) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars! CHANDLER: (RE-ENTERING) Yeah, all right.