Marta Kauffman - The One Where No-one's Ready Script lyrics

Rachel and Monica's apartment, everyone is getting ready to go to a banquet. JOEY: All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider. *takes a gla** from the fridge* CHANDLER: Taste it. JOEY: *drinks from the gla** and puts it back in the fridge* Yep, it's fat. I drank fat! CHANDLER: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago. ROSS: *entering* Hey! CHANDLER: Hey, mister tux! ROSS: Why aren't you guys dressed? JOEY: We have a half hour. ROSS: No, four minutes ago you had a half hour, we have to be out the door at twenty to eight. JOEY: Relax Ross, we'll be ready. It only takes us two minutes to get dressed. ROSS: Well, you know, I'd feel a whole lot better if you got dressed now. CHANDLER AND JOEY: Okay. *they don't move* RACHEL: *entering from bathroom* Hey-hey! Oh, look at you, all s**y. ROSS: Really. RACHEL: Ooooh! Wow!! Oh, hi. ROSS: Hi. RACHEL: How come you didn't come over earlier? ROSS: 'Cause, I'm a stupid, stupid man. JOEY: Hey, Ross, want some cider? ROSS: No. *to Rachel* So, um, let's see your pretty close, huh. Make-up's on, hair's done. RACHEL: Yeah, I just have to get dressed. ROSS: Yay! And that takes what? Just six or seven minutes. RACHEL: Yeah! Once, I figure out what I'm wearing. JOEY: Gla** of fat? Opening Credits Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross is acting nervous. JOEY: What's a matter Ross? What you're nervous about your speech? ROSS: No! Do you wanna hear it? JOEY: Am I in it? ROSS: Uh, huh. Yeah, right after I thank everyone for giving money to the museum, I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey. PHOEBE: *entering* Hello. ROSS: Hey! JOEY: Whoa! ROSS: Wow, hello! You look great! PHOEBE: Thank you! I know, though. ROSS: You see this, this is a person who is ready to go. Phoebe you, oh, you are my star. PHOEBE: Ohh, well, you're my lucky penny. CHANDLER: *entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmopolitan* All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men. *to Joey* Get up. JOEY: What? CHANDLER: You're in my seat. JOEY: How is this your seat? CHANDLER: 'Cause I was sitting there. JOEY: But then you left. CHANDLER: Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom, you knew I was coming back. JOEY: What's the big deal, sit somewhere else. CHANDLER: The big deal is I was sitting there last, so, that's my seat. JOEY: Well, actually the last place you were sitting was in there. *points to the bathroom* Soo... ROSS: You guys, you know what, you know what, it doesn't matter, because you both have to go get dressed before the big vain in my head pops. So.. CHANDLER: All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing, really quickly, it's not a big deal. *yells at Joey* GET UP!! MONICA: *entering* Hi. ALL: Hey. MONICA: Ooh, Phoebe, you look great! PHOEBE: All right all ready. MONICA: *to Ross* Ooh, are you gonna do magic? ROSS: That's, that's funny. Change! MONICA: Hang on a second I just got in. ROSS: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late. PHOEBE: We could not, would not want to wait. ROSS: Look, our table is down in front, okay, my boss is gonna be there, everyone will see if we arrive after it starts. MONICA: Has somebody been drinking my fat? *Joey and Chandler look at each other* RACHEL: *entering from her bedroom* You guys, *holds up an outfit* does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear? PHOEBE: I don't know, you might be the first one. MONICA: Rach, did you check the machine? RACHEL: Uh, no. Wait, you know what, this is the outfit that makes my calves look fat. Nevermind. CHANDLER: Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It's called: Get Up. JOEY: All right! You can have the chair. CHANDLER: Really! JOEY: Oh my, would you look at that! *holds up crossed fingers* PHOEBE: *on machine* "Hi, it's me, I'm coming over now. Hey, what if I'm already there when your playing this message?" *to the guys* Is that too spooky? ROSS: *on machine* "Hi Rach, are you there? It's me, pick up. Rachel. Rach!" RACHEL: *entering from her bedroom* What?! ROSS: Nevermind. RICHARD: *on machine* "Monica, it's Richard. Call me." MONICA: Is-is-is that message old or new? *yelling* Old or new?! Old or new?! ROSS: It's old, it's definitely old. Didn't you hear the, the double beep? MONICA: What if it's new? I mean, we agreed not to talk again, unless we had something really important to say. Shouldn't I call him back? CHANDLER: Honey, you did call him back. 'Cause, it's, it's really old. ROSS: Yeah, see Mon, listen, listen. When Carol and I broke up, I went through the same thing. And you know what I did? MONICA: Huh? ROSS: I.....got.....dressed. Really, really quickly. Okay, okay. *Rachel starts to follow Monica into her room, but Ross stops her and sends her back to her room* There we go, there we go. CHANDLER: You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up, you just sit right there. I just hope, you don't mind, you know, my hand right here. *holds his hand a couple of inches in front of Joey's face* Op, not touching, can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! *Joey flings some dip onto Phoebe's dress* PHOEBE: Ah! Oh my God! You r-r-rotten boys! CHANDLER AND JOEY: Sorry Phoebe. JOEY: I'm so sorry. PHOEBE: What am I gonna do? ROSS: No, no, don't, don't, rub it! Don't! *clapping* What gets out hummus?! What gets out hummus?! PHOEBE: Monica, Monica, you know what gets out hummus. MONICA: If it is a new message, what is he calling to say? PHOEBE: Okay, thanks. Yeah, I'll try that. CHANDLER: Maybe he's calling to say your obsessive and crazy. MONICA: So, should I call him back? THE GUYS: Noo! *Monica starts to go back into her room and stops* NO! CHANDLER: All right, fine, you know what, we'll both sit in the chair. *sits on Joey's lap* I'm soooo, comfortable. JOEY: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable. CHANDLER: All right! *jumps up* ROSS: Okay, look, we have nineteen minutes. Okay, Chandler, I want you to go and change! Okay. And then, when you come back, Joey will go change, and he'll have vacated the chair. Okay. Okay. CHANDLER: All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's....sitting in a chair! *leaves* RACHEL: *entering from her room* Is this a little too... *sees Phoebe* Pheebs, what happened? PHOEBE: Hummus. I got the hummus. Rachel: Ooooh! Honey, well we'll find you something. Do you wanna wear my black jacket? PHOEBE: That won't go with this dress though. RACHEL: No, you're right. Well, we'll find something. Let's just get you out of that. Come on. ROSS: No, no, no, no, no, no, not out of that, not out of clothes. RACHEL: Monica, can Phoebe borrow your green dress? MONICA: I called him. ALL: Nooo. MONICA: Yes. Well I got his machine and I left a message. But it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, because you know it was like a casual, breezy message. It was breezy! Oh God, what if it wasn't breezy? PHOEBE: Well, how could it not be breezy, no, 'cause, you're, you're in such a breezy place. MONICA: Here, I got it. I'll will play my message for you guys, and you can tell me if it's breezy enough. JOEY: Monica, how are you gonna do that? MONICA: I know the code to his answering machine. ROSS: Okay, Mon, I really don't think this is the... Okay, you're dialing, you are dialing. Chandler enters, and Joey is standing near the chair, they have a show down to see who gets the chair and Joey wins. RICHARD: *on machine* "Hi, this is Richard. Please, leave a message at the tone." MACHINE: "You have two new messages." JOEY: Wow, what a cool job. *in a machine voice* “You have two new messages.” “Please, pa** the pie.” MONICA: *on machine* "Hi, it's Monica. I'm just checking in 'cause I got this message from you and I didn't know if it was old or new or what. So, I'm just checkin'. So let me know, or don't, whatever. I'm breezy." JOEY: Hey, you can't say you're breezy, that, that totally negates the breezy. WOMAN'S VOICE: *on machine* Hola, it's me, yesterday was really fun. Call me about this weekend, okay. JOEY: Now she sounded breezy. Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. MONICA: He's seeing someone. I can't believe he's seeing someone. PHOEBE: Monica, you don't know that. MONICA: Well, who's voice was that? CHANDLER: Maybe it was his sister's. You know, maybe it was his daughter's. MONICA: Michelle! Of course, it was Michelle! Did it sound like Michelle? ROSS: Oh, great. It's starting to rain, that will make it easy to get a cab. MONICA: It was Michelle. It was definitely Michelle. RACHEL: Pheebs, you go with Monica and try on her green dress. If that doesn't work, you can wear my gray silk one. Oh, gosh, what am I wearing?! ROSS: You don't, you don't know what your wearing? RACHEL: Well, hon-ey. I'm just trying to look nice for your big night. ROSS: Yeah, which, which we have to leave for in exactly twelve minutes. All right, come on, I'll just pick something out for you. CHANDLER: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!" JOEY: Okay. *he gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave* CHANDLER: What are you doing? JOEY: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions. CHANDLER: The cushions are the essence of the chair! JOEY: That's right! I'm taking the essence. CHANDLER: Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room. ROSS: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty. RACHEL: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep. ROSS: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep. RACHEL: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days. PHOEBE: Oh Rach, good, listen isn't this perfect for me! *she's wearing another dress on a hanger around her neck* RACHEL: Oh, it's perfect! But not for tonight. PHOEBE: Well, of course not for tonight. Yeah, hi! ROSS: Not for tonight. Not for tonight! Wh-what, what, what, are you doing? RACHEL: No honey, we're sorry, we didn't mean it. I love you. I love you. CHANDLER: We used them as pillows when we went camping. ROSS: What? CHANDLER: *shyly* The sheep. ROSS: Hey, what you do on your own time... JOEY: *entering* Where's my underwear?! ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what. You took his underwear? CHANDLER: He took my essence! ROSS: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now? JOEY: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now. ROSS: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight? JOEY: It's a rented tux. Okay. I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues. CHANDLER: Well, then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give back somebody his cushions. JOEY: Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm gonna do the exact opposite to you. CHANDLER: What are you, what are you gonna show me my clothes? JOEY: Hey, opposite, is opposite! *leaves* CHANDLER: He's got nothing! PHOEBE: *entering from Rachel's room, wearing a huge bow to cover the stain* Okay, I'm ready. ROSS AND CHANDLER: Oh, aaaah! PHOEBE: Rachel, didn't have anything that I liked, so, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, "All right, fine I'll be political." CHANDLER: What are you supporting? PHOEBE: Duh!! Christmas! ROSS: Okay, hey, that's okay with me. Two down and I have exactly twelve minutes.... Wha, my watch stopped. My watch. *shows Chandler* Okay, see, the, the dinosaur tail isn't going around any more. *grabs Chandler's watch* What time is it? It's 7:33, I have seven minutes. I have seven minutes!! RACHEL: *entering from her room* Okay, Pheebs, quick, what shoes should I wear? The black or the purple? ROSS: Just, just, just pick one! PHOEBE: Okay, okay, okay, the black. But, oh, do you have black, with the little strappys? RACHEL: Yeahh, but, but those really go better with pants. Maybe I should wear pants? ROSS: Yeah, pants, what, what an idea. Or better yet, um, how 'bout you go without any pants. Look, I don't know what you're trying to do to me, but just get your bu*t in there and pick out any shoes that fit your feet, okay. No, no I don't care if they match. I don't care if they make your ankles or your knees or your earlobes look fat. Okay. RACHEL: But I... ROSS: No, no, no just do it. Go in there and pick something out so we can go. RACHEL: All right. ROSS: Thank you! MONICA: *entering from her room* Okay. I gotta call Michelle. I gotta see if that was her voice or not. I'm sorry, I just have to. ROSS: It was, it was her voice. CHANDLER: Monica, I think you've gone over to the bad place. Michelle: Hola! Hello. Hello? MONICA: Okay. That was her right? PHOEBE: Definitely. MONICA: See there you go. Woo! We're out of the woods. Okay, I'll get dressed now. ROSS: Yay! Phone rings. PHOEBE: I'll get it, okay. *answers phone* Hi, Monica and Rachel's. *listens* Yeah, just a second, can I ask who's calling. *to Monica* Oh, ew, it's Michelle! Ew! She, she must have that Caller Id thing. You should get that. MONICA: *on phone* Uh, Michelle. Yeah, that was me, I-I dialed your number by mistake. *listens* Oh, you're so sweet. Yeah, we were a great couple. I know I really miss him. Well, you know how it is, it's that.... CHANDLER: *to Phoebe* You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about? MONICA: *on phone* Michelle, I only beeped in so I could hear my message. I mean that's allowed. Yeah-huh! I mean look, yeah, you know what I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell your Dad about. What do you mean, you're not comfortable with this? Come on we're friends!! *Michelle hangs up* That b**h always hated me. I'm calling her back. ROSS: No, no, no, no. Tick, tick, tick, tick. MONICA: Okay, fine. *runs to her room* CHANDLER: They got a phone in there, right? PHOEBE: Okay, we're on it. We're on it. Rachel comes out from her room wearing sweat pants and a sweatshirt. ROSS: Um. I know it says black tie optional, but, um this may be pushing it a little, um. RACHEL: I'm not gonna gooo. ROSS: You're not going to go. RACHEL: No, I think I'm gonna catch up on my correspondence. ROSS: How, how, um how can you not be going? RACHEL: I'm not gonna gooo, so I think that will accomplish the not going. ROSS: Um, you know, just out of curiosity... RACHEL: Well, ever since I was humiliated and yelled at in front of my friends, I'm just, I don't know, not in a museum benefitty kind of mood. ROSS: Right. Right, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled. RACHEL: It's fine. ROSS: No, but, your-your mad. RACHEL: I'm not mad. ROSS: No. RACHEL: I'm just not going. ROSS: Your not going. RACHEL: Right. ROSS: Okay. You know that I-I have to go. RACHEL: Um, hum. ROSS: Right. So is it gonna be like 'I'm abandoning you while your upset.' RACHEL: No. ROSS: No, because your not upset. RACHEL: Right. ROSS: About the yelling. RACHEL: Right, and the humiliating. ROSS: Oh, well of course, the humiliating. So, so wee, we're okay. RACHEL: Um, hum. ROSS: We're good. RACHEL: Right. ROSS: Okay. Honey? RACHEL: Yes, Ross. *turns toward him* ROSS: I love you. *goes to kiss her and she turns away.* PHOEBE: *yelling from the bedroom* Get away from that! No! *she comes into the living room carrying the phone* She's just getting dressed. CHANDLER: Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that? Joey enters wearing a lot of clothes. JOEY: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own. CHANDLER: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!! JOEY: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando... CHANDLER: Oooo-ooh! JOEY: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. *starts doing lunges* ROSS: Okay, okay. Enough, enough with the lunging. No! I'm sick of this. Okay. I've had it up to here with you two! Neither you can come to the party! CHANDLER: Jeez, what a baby. JOEY: Yeah, Ross, way to ruin it. I was just going to get dressed. ROSS: You know what I don't care. The only person I cared about getting dressed, is the one person that says she's not even gonna go. Look Rach, I'm sorry. Okay. Look, I-I wa, I was a jerk. I'm sorry I yelled. I want you there, I need you there. Look, what, what can I do that can show you how much, how much I want you to be there. JOEY: You could drink the fat. ROSS: Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation. RACHEL: No, no, no, now wait, wa, wa, waa-it a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That actually, uh, that sounds interesting. ROSS: What? RACHEL: I think you should drink the fat. JOEY: Yaaaay! ROSS: Okay, okay. If that is what it takes to show you how much you mean to me, and how much I want you there. Then that's what I'll do. PHOEBE: Oh, wait, let me get you another gla**. That's been sitting out. ROSS: I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla milkshake, just a vanilla milkshake, with chicken bits floating in it. Cheers. *starts to drink, but Rachel stops him just before he starts drinking* RACHEL: No, no, no, wait! Okay, okay. Don't! I'll go, I'll go! ROSS: You will?! RACHEL: You were really gonna do that, weren't you? ROSS: Well, yeah. RACHEL: You were gonna drink the fat. JOEY: Let's see what else he'll do! ROSS: *to Joey* How 'bout instead you, go get changed! *to Chandler* You, give him back his underwear! I'm gonna go get a cab, and I want everyone down stairs in two minutes! Monica! Joey and Chandler start to leave, Joey is lunging as he is walking. CHANDLER: Stop it. Stop it! Monica runs into the living room, and starts dialing the phone. PHOEBE: Ross, went to get a cab so we can all... No, wh-what are you doing! No, Monica, no! RICHARD: *on machine* Hi, this is Richard. MACHINE: You have three new messages. MONICA: Not any more! MACHINE: Message erased. To record a message begin speaking at the tone. MONICA: Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know. Um, anyway, I, I, I beeped into your machine and I heard a message that, that freaked me out, and um, you know what Michelle will tell you the rest. I, I, um, I'm sorry, okay, I, I hope that we can forget the whole thing. Okay, bye. MACHINE: Your outgoing message has now been changed. MONICA: Outgoing! Did that say outgoing?! Not, outgoing!!! MONICA: *on machine* "Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know." Nooo!! PHOEBE: How did you do that? MONICA: I don't know! MACHINE: Good-bye. MONICA: Noooo!!!! ROSS: *entering* Okay, okay, okay, I've got two cabs and no people. Go! Go! Go! MONICA: Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe they could change the message. Maybe they can change his number. PHOEBE: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that himself. ROSS: Rachel!! *she enters* Wow! You, uh, you look, wow! RACHEL: And I still have about five seconds to spare. *kisses him* Okay, that was about seven seconds. ROSS: So we're a little late. RACHEL: Come on. *they start to leave* Oh! And, uh, by the way.... ROSS: What? RACHEL: I'm going commando, too. ROSS: Awwww!!! Closing Credits At the banquet. SHERMAN WHITFIELD: Dr. Geller, Sherman Whitfield, London Institute. ROSS: Wow! What a pleasure. SHERMAN WHITFIELD: *sits down* Well, I have to tell you, I was quite impressed with your paper on Pre-Cretaceous fossils. Yeah, it confirmed everything that I have written. CHANDLER: Excuse me. Hi. SHERMAN WHITFIELD: Yes? CHANDLER: Well, your kind of sitting in my seat. SHERMAN WHITFIELD: What do you mean, your seat? CHANDLER: I mean, I was sitting there. SHERMAN WHITFIELD: But, you got up! CHANDLER: But, I never left the room! SHERMAN WHITFIELD: But, you left the chair area. CHANDLER: All right, that's it, give me your underwear. End