Mallory Whitten - Why You Shouldn't Be A High School Algebra 1 Teacher lyrics

On the first day or school, your cla** made up of freshmen will be silent This will lead you to feel uncomfortable and scared at the thought of “the rest of your career” In your panicked state standing in front of the cla**, you will tell your students you're “a pretty easy goin' guy” and that they dont really need to respect you since you're just someone they see for an hour or so a day Your attention shifts to a bead of sweat going down your forehead. You start to lift up an arm to wipe the sweat only to discover your underarms are soaked sh** You clench your arms to your sides to prevent any of your students from noticing You stare at them “Do you guys have any questions?” A chubby African American in the middle of the cla**room raises his hand “How much do you weigh?” Your favorite cla**room appliance is the overhead, but when you turn the lights off to make the projection clear, students go to sleep You resort to leaving the lights on ~ 2 to 3 times you leave the cla**room unattended to get a light bulb because you think the projector has burnt out, but really a student has unplugged it When you return to the cla**room, everyone is out of their seats talking loudly You wonder if teachers think you have control or authority over your cla** During the third week or so of school, there is a knock at your cla**room door When you open the door, no one is there This happens 2 more times in the same cla** before you notice 2 girls who you thought were quiet and reserved had been knocking on their desks Your face turns red and you say “good one…” while trying to smile You stare blankly at the floor for ~10 to 15 seconds before returning to your lesson You decide one day to tell your cla** about how you proposed to your wife They bring it up at extremely unrelated times and you begin to feel ashamed You didnt think it was that funny that your wife threw up after you proposed to her at Cedar Point I mean you had just gotten off a rollercoaster You begin to resent the cla**, and the resentment of the cla** quickly turns into you hating your job You sweat before it starts, and then once you start worrying about the sweating you sweat even more The principal sits in on your lesson one day and you sweat so much it drips onto the overhead and when you try to wipe off your face you scratch it accidentily and it bleeds a little bit but only a girl in the front row sees They are loud, they are immature, they are out of control One week your sister goes missing and you tell them you need them to cooperate but they dont They are relentless The cla** carries a D average There is a quiet boy who maintains strait Bs His mom emails you 2 to 3 times per week with concerns about his academic preformance You call him out of cla** one day and tell him you need help You ask him what you should do You manage to make him feel uncomfortable He says he doesn't know One day a boy who all the students refer to as “Nardy” tries to help you gain control “Nardy” singles out the chubby African American who asked you how much you weigh on the first day of school Nardy tells him to be quiet when he talks during your lesson The chubby African American calls him a f*g Nardy stands up and starts yelling at the chubby African American The chubby African American starts to leap at Nardy You hold out your arms and raise your voice telling them to calm down People are yelling “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!” You try to hush them A teacher you don't know looks through the window in your door The girls who simulated the knocks at the door earlier in the year are coughing loudly when you are trying to teach the distributing property One of them is leaned into the aisle coughing into her bookbag She starts saying “I don't feel so..” and then you hear her vomit You run over and the other girl makes noises like she is supressing laughter You look and there is no vomit in the bookbag You hear someone say “he actually ran!” in an amazed tone of voice People are laughing You tell the girls loudly that it wasn't a funny joke, that you thought it was an actual emergency You start hearing fat jokes at an increasing frequency You confiscate a rap written about you pa**ing out in the teachers lounge after drinking 40s in a wife-beater There are pictures drawn of you with sweatmarks under your arms and man b**bs You are silent one day as the kids file into cla** You tell them things need to change You get really emotional and say “you guys think I don't hear the mean comments, but I do.” They are quieter for a week or so then things return to normal Your cla** takes their final on a Wednesday morning Their scores are a mixture of D's F's and one B You are asked by the principal to not return the next year You don't tell the kids On the last day of school while you pack up your inspirational quote posters, they take pictures of you with their digital cameras from unflattering angles and laugh The pictures exist years later on facebook in an album somewhere that you never saw