Loudon Wainwright Iii - April Fool's Day Morn lyrics

At twelve midnight I called my mom On April Fool's Day morn We two are close sometimes I think Because I was breech-born The doctor reached inside of her He turned me 'round and pulled me out I emerged her bloody babe His slap produced my shout At twelve midnight I telephoned On April Fool's Day morn I told mom I'd be home late Then I hung up the horn I went back to the party then I got drunk with all the boys Our florid faces shown so bright We made a lot of noise By 2am we all were drunk On April Fool's Day morn We had insulted many folk Garnered plenty scorn We boys, some girls and some hangers-on Formed a jolly caravan We headed for my canyon home To make our fool's day stand Tempers flared and tears were shed On April Fool's Day morn Tequila ripped and on a tear My party shirt got torn I tried to take a woman down Right there on the bathroom floor She refused, I threw her out Screaming, "b**h!" and "who*e!" I threatened one poor hanger-on With a knife he was warned By 5 a.m. just three were left On April Fool's Day morn An English fool, an Irish fool And me, their foolish Yankee host We kissed and cried and swore our love And drank one final toast By 6 a.m., those two pa**ed out On April Fool's Day morn I drove to Santa Monica A girl there got me warm By 10 a.m., I drove back home I rousted out my half-dead friends We said goodbye with downcast eyes So sheepish in the end My mother came out of her room On April Fool's Day morn She spied her sorry breech-born Hungover and forlorn I am too old, too large, too close To crawl up on my mother's knee So eggs and bacon, coffee, toast Were placed in front of me