Larry Leichliter - The Witch's Garden lyrics

Title: The Witch's Garden The episode begins with a frog carrying a crown walking with FINN and JAKE following behind. JAKE: Dude... how long are we gonna follow this frog? FINN: I just wanna see 'im put on that crown. The frog walks through the bars of a locked gate. FINN & JAKE: (Running towards the gate) Wooow! JAKE: It looks cool in there! FINN: (Pointing to lock on gate) Too bad we don't have the key to this. JAKE: What're you talkin' about? (Indicating his legs) I got two keys right here! FINN laughs and gets on JAKE's back. JAKE stretches over the wall of the garden. FINN: Whoo-hoo! FINN and JAKE land inside the garden. JAKE: Wow! Look at this place! FINN: JAKE. Are these donuts? JAKE: They look like donuts. FINN: But maybe they're poisonous donuts! (JAKE begins sniffing one of the donuts on the bush.) Yeah! Sniff it, JAKE! s** up those toxins! JAKE sniffs it thoroughly. JAKE: Wait a second... I don't know what poison smells like. WITCH: Hey! (She strains towards FINN and JAKE on her cane.) (Lifting her cane) Razzamafoo! She switches places with FINN and JAKE. JAKE: Hey! FINN: What gives?! WITCH: You ate one of my donuts! JAKE: No, I didn't. I just sniffed it. WITCH: RAAAAAGH!! You're lying! The stink of magic dog lips is everywhere! FINN: Holy slug, lady! Calm down! JAKE: Listen, Mrs. WITCH. WITCH: I never married! JAKE: Well, I never ate your donuts. WITCH: You... you're eating one right now! JAKE: (Mouth full) No, I'm not! (Noticing he is holding a donut) Whoa-hoa! Hm... That's weird... I don't even remember grabbing this. My subconscious must be hungry, huh? Huh... whatever. (Finishes donut) WITCH: (Convulses angrily) MAGICUS NOMORICUS! JAKE: Uh-oh. (Gets blasted) FINN: AAH! (The magic smoke makes him and JAKE cough.) Dude, are you okay? JAKE: Yeah... I think so. Just a little chilly. (Noticing he is in his underwear) WHOA! WITCH: Ahahahahahehehe! FINN: What did she do to you? WITCH: I stripped him of his magical powers! FINN: For stealing one of your billions of donuts?! JAKE: Yeah, it's not like I k**ed your husband or somethin'. WITCH: (Livid) I AM NOT MARRIED! FINN: The point is you overreacted. JAKE: And what gives? (Pointing to his nipple) I used to have like eight more of these things. WITCH: The only way I'll give back your powers is if you admit your error and say you're sorry and mean it! ...'Cause I can tell the difference. JAKE: Well, you can forget it because you're the one who's wrong! (To FINN) ...Right? FINN: Total support, dude. WITCH: (Convulsing angrily) RRRRAAAARRGH!! (Waving her cane) Go-backicus-from-whence-you-came-icus! FINN: Aw, now you're just makin' these up! He and JAKE disappear. WITCH: (Rubbing one of the donuts) Are you alright, my... my donut pretties? Heh heh... Wait a second. YOU'RE A BAGEL! LIARS! LIARS EVERYWHERE! The bagel becomes "stripped." Scene shifts to the Tree Fort. FINN: There's gotta be a way to get your powers back! Where'd they come from, anyway? Were you born with them? Or... did you have a freak industrial accident?! JAKE: Ha. That takes me back. Let me just... (deep voice) remember. (A memory bubble appears above his head.) I see a memory. When I was just a pupster... I'm rollin' around in a mud puddle, and I'm just... lovin's it. Oh, no! (The bubble explodes. JAKE pants from exhaustion.) Whoo... Remembering is hard work. FINN: What happened next?! JAKE: Oh. Um... I went into the mud, and... I guess I became a magic dog? FINN: Okay! Then our course is clear! We'll roll you in every mud puddle in Ooo until we find the one that'll restore your powers. JAKE: (Lying down) That's nuts, man. You got any idea of how many mud puddles are in the land of Ooo? Four? Maybe even five? FINN: JAKE, come on! We've always been lucky, buddy! Maybe the first mud puddle we find will be the right one! JAKE: Nonsense... but I like it! FINN: (Jumping out window) Then away! Hyuh! Whoo-hoo! JAKE: Yeah, let's do it! FINN lands on his feet; JAKE lands on his face with a thud. FINN: Oh, my gosh! JAKE: I forgot that I don't have magic powers anymore. How do we search for the mud without my powers? FINN: We run! Run like energetic little boys! (FINN runs quickly away.) JAKE: (To himself) This whole time, I thought running was some sort of... leg magic. (JAKE begins trudging along. Before long, he gets tired.) Huh... Look at me. I'm runnin'! (Pants heavily; the camera gets ahead of him as he slows down.) Oh, no... (Thud; camera pans back to JAKE.) (Out of breath) Running... is... evil... FINN: Come on, lazy bones! JAKE: It's too hard! FINN: I guess you could ride on my backpack. JAKE: (Straining) I can't reach. (FINN bends backwards; JAKE grabs on to FINN's neck.) You good, FINN? FINN: (Choking) You're... strangling me... a little, is all. Scene transition to the River of Junk. FINN: Look there! Across the River of Junk! There's an ideal mud puddle. JAKE: I'll stretch into a boat! (Strains then farts) I'm startin' to really miss that old magic of mine. FINN: We can swim this river easy! (Jumps into river) Come on, JAKE! Swims across, leaving JAKE behind JAKE: (To himself) Man, that looks exhausting. A projection of JAKE's subconscious appears on a piece of furniture in the river. SUBCONSCIOUS: You're right, JAKE. It is exhausting. JAKE: (Gasp) What are you?! SUBCONSCIOUS: I'm your subconscious! JAKE: Okay, what are you doing here? SUBCONSCIOUS: I'm here to tell you that what you're feeling deep down inside is true! It is way too hard to swim across the river. It's easier to wear a hat. (Handing JAKE a hat) Here! Have a hat! JAKE: (Donning the hat) Ha ha! SUBCONSCIOUS: Yeah-hea-hea-hea! Heh heh! JAKE: Man, I'm glad I met you. FINN: JAKE! Stop talking to yourself! Cross over already! JAKE: Uh, I can't swim that river, dude. My subconscious says it's too hard. Check out this hat, though. FINN: (Growls) What's wrong with that guy? (To JAKE) Then just wait for me there! (FINN dives down and begins gathering various things. When he grabs a trash can lid, a large eye is uncovered and it opens. FINN re-surfaces and begins building something, mumbling to himself and visibly annoyed. "Ergh, stupid...") JAKE: Whatcha workin' on, FINN? (FINN continues constructing a catapult from the junk, still mumbling angrily to himself. "... have to do everything!") Look at you! Doin' stuff! (FINN pulls down the catapult lever.) Oh, is it a chair? (JAKE gets on the platform.) A chair for my bu*t—? (FINN releases the lever, launching JAKE all the way to the other side of the river and into the mud puddle.) Mud-venture! FINN: Did it work?! JAKE: Oh, yeah! I can feel this workin'! In fact, you should roll in the mud with me, FINN! We can both be magic! FINN: YEAAAAH! (Joins JAKE in the mud. They laugh and roll around in it.) This isn't working at all. JAKE: This isn't the right mud. I was just really hopin' this was over and done. FINN: (Sigh) Okay... Then let's just go find another mud puddle. JAKE: Actually... I'm feeling kinda chubby-tired. Can't we do this tomorrow? FINN: Agh! This is stupid! Just go back to the WITCH and apologize and get your powers back! JAKE: Never! I'd rather be powerless forever then apologize! I'm lazy but prideful. FINN: (Angrily) YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING, MAN! (Knocks JAKE's hat off) First, you won't run, (Stuttering) a-and now you keep—and... a-and no matter what, I ju—you... JAKE: Adventuring is too much hard work for a bro without his powers. FINN: But you are an adventurer. JAKE: Nah, from now on, I'm just your regular old dog. ...Ironic given my current man-baby body. (Something big emerges from the river; FINN and JAKE gasp. A giant pile of junk emerges and a giant living fish skeleton pops out of it.) GARY: Behold the beautiful mermaid of the river. (FINN retches.) Which one of you mortals wants to mate with (Gesturing over her body) all this? Heh heh heh... FINN: Oh, um... How do I say, "You're the grossest thing ever," without offending you? GARY: RAAAAAARGH!! (GARY angrily conjures up a fireball.) JAKE: I'll scare her off, FINN! (Barks at her) (GARY blasts them but they evade.) FINN: How do we beat power like that?! JAKE: FINN! I've got an idea! FINN: What is it, buddy?? JAKE: Rub my belly! Yeah, I'm one of those kinda dogs. FINN growls angrily. FINN: (Charging GARY) YAAAAH! GARY evades his attack and spits a black substance on him, knocking him out. GARY cackles. JAKE: FINN? (GARY takes him to her nest.) FINN! Come on, FINN! You gotta save yourself! I'm just a dog! Aw, man. Oh, geez... Okay. Then I'm back on the team! (Attempts to climb tree) I'll save you! FINN: JAKE? (Giant eggs around him are beginning to hatch.) JAKE: Don't worry! (He fails to climb the tree.) Hey, FINN... Can you help me to get up there? The HATCHLINGS hatch. HATCHLINGS: Hungry! Hungry! Hungry! JAKE: (Desperate noise) If only I had my powers back! WITCH (In JAKE's memory): The only way I'll give back your powers is if— JAKE: I know, I know! I have to apologize to that WITCH. Scene transition to the WITCH's garden. The WITCH is planting a cupcake. WITCH: (To cupcake) Oh, you're doing so well... and I hate you so much!! JAKE: (At gate) Hey! (He's straining to get past the gate, but he's too fat.) WITCH! I need my powers back! So I'm sorry! I'm so sorry I ate your donut! WITCH: Razzamafoo. (JAKE appears in front of the WITCH.) JAKE: (Straining sounds) ...Oh. (Stops straining) So do I get my powers back?! WITCH: Mmm... Apology denied. JAKE: What?! Why?! WITCH: Because you took too long. Now you have to apologize while doing a variety of humiliating things. JAKE: No way, Jose! SUBCONSCIOUS: Come on, dude. It's the only way to save FINN. WITCH: Who is that?! JAKE: He's my subconscious. WITCH: Then he has to do it too. SUBCONSCIOUS: Aw... Scene transition. JAKE is dancing with his subconscious with flowers in his underwear. JAKE: I, JAKE the dog, while slow-dancing with my subconscious, with flowers in my underwear, do humbly apologize... WITCH: (Starts shooting with video camera) Wait, wait. Start over. JAKE: You're recording this?! WITCH: It's for my newsletter. JAKE: No way. I have my dignity. WITCH: Then guess what, cool guy? You can forget about getting your powers back... EVER!! JAKE: (To his subconscious) Oh, no, dude! What do we do now? (His subconscious starts coughing and falls over.) SUBCONSCIOUS: I'm dyin', JAKE. JAKE: Wha?! WITCH: Hm. He says he's dying. Let that be a lesson to all you cupcakes. (Trembles) Hah... JAKE: Why are you dying, bro? SUBCONSCIOUS: Because... I'm the subconscious of your old magical self. (Coughs) Goodbye, JAKE... JAKE: No! No! (Starts crying) WITCH: So I've finally broken you. JAKE: Yeah! (Sobs) If only... I were a humbler guy, my subconscious would be alive, and my best bud wouldn't be trapped in a mermaid's nest! WITCH: YES! GLOAT, GLOAT, GLOAT! Alright, I think you've learned your lesson. (Kindly) I forgive you. JAKE regains his fur. JAKE: (Magically stretching his arms) My powers! How can I ever thank— (Swipes her magic cane away) Ha! Got your cane! WITCH: WHAAA! OOF! (Falls over) (JAKE grabs yet another donut and eats it. His subconscious, now well, gets on his back and they both flee.) But didn't you learn your lesson?!? JAKE: NOPE!!! (He and his subconscious laugh.) Scene transition back to the nest. FINN wakes up. HATCHLINGS: Hungry! Hungry! FINN screams. GARY: Remember to save the brain for dessert. The HATCHLINGS move towards FINN. FINN trembles in terror. JAKE: Honey, I'm back! How about a big kiss? (JAKE kisses her with great force, knocking GARY back into the river.) (To HATCHLINGS, in a cutesy voice) You guys are so cute! I could just maul you to d**h! The HATCHLINGS run away. FINN: JAKE! (Hugs JAKE's face) I never should have doubted you! JAKE: Well, I'm glad you learned your lesson: that in a crunch, there's nothin' I wouldn't do for ya. FINN: Ahhh, so is that how you got your powers back? You apologized to the WITCH? JAKE: Uh... (Sweats profusely) No way! I must have found the right... mud puddle! Yeah... I don't remember. Heh... (Blabbers lips with relief as the episode ends.)