Judge Smith - Carpet Tiles lyrics

The redundancy scheme Was linked to his salary A good few bob A chance to set up on his own And they'd make a good team Raymond and Valerie He'd do the job She'd do the books and man the phone They made wonderful plans, took a lock-up garage Filled it to the doors With bankrupt stock they bought at auction They had a nice Luton van On each side, written quite large It said 'RayVal Floors You've seen the rest, but we're the best For carpet tiles Estimates free for our carpet tiles Hard-wearing Wiltons in several styles No VAT on our carpet tiles From ten pounds a metre He's a nice little chap And he's doing his best Working late each night But orders just aren't coming through Val sits on his lap She says "Don't get depressed, It will be all right 'Cos I believe in you And in those carpet tiles People will always need carpet tiles" Now look at him go, he's all teeth and smiles He's going to self you some carpet tiles Eight pounds a metre He jokes about sales staying on the floor But the house is security On the loan The 'Caring Bank' took care of that And when he asks them for more They demand a fresh Guarantee "What else do you own?" Then they wonder what he's laughing at He says "Carpet Tiles All I've got left is the carpet tiles Take some of them, I've got miles and miles Carpet the whole bleeding British Isles At five pounds a metre" He thinks of Val's face And he gets out the file The one on insurance He reads through the Policy Three o'clock in the morning He gets in the van He drives to the lock-up He takes out the matches Messrs Jobson & Lock Licensed Valuers and Auctioneers Suggest our Sale For Business opportunities We have fire-damaged stock Just perfect for new careers You couldn't fail With Lot 13, for instance which is Carpet Tiles Two metric tons of new carpet tiles Early inspection would be worthwhile Executive quality carpet tiles Worth twelve pounds a metre Carpet Tiles Simple to lay and so versatile Featuring guaranteed flame-proof pile Now what am bid for these carpet tiles? Can I hear two pounds a metre?