Joel Coen - The Big Lebowski (script) lyrics

THE BIG LEBOWSKI by Ethan & Joel Coen We are floating up a steep scrubby slope. We hear male voices gently singing "Tumbling Tumbleweeds" and a deep, affable, Western-accented voice--Sam Elliot's, perhaps: VOICE-OVER A way out west there was a fella, fella I want to tell you about, fella by the name of Jeff Lebowski. At least, that was the handle his lovin' parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. This Lebowski, he called himself the Dude. Now, Dude, that's a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But then, there was a lot about the Dude that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. And a lot about where he lived, like- wise. But then again, maybe that's why I found the place s'durned innarestin'. We top the rise and the smoggy vastness of Los Angeles at twilight stretches out before us. VOICE-OVER They call Los Angeles the City of Angels. I didn't find it to be that exactly, but I'll allow as there are some nice folks there. 'Course, I can't say I seen London, and I never been to France, and I ain't never seen no queen in her damn undies as the fella says. But I'll tell you what, after seeing Los Angeles and thisahere story I'm about to unfold-- wal, I guess I seen somethin' ever' bit as stupefyin' as ya'd see in any a those other places, and in English too, so I can die with a smile on my face without feelin' like the good Lord gypped me. INTERIOR RALPH'S It is late, the supermarket all but deserted. We are tracking in on a fortyish man in Bermuda shorts and sungla**es at the dairy case. He is the Dude. His rumpled look and relaxed manner suggest a man in whom casualness runs deep. He is feeling quarts of milk for coldness and examining their expiration dates. VOICE-OVER Now this story I'm about to unfold took place back in the early nineties-- just about the time of our conflict with Sad'm and the Eye-rackies. I only mention it 'cause some- times there's a man--I won't say a hee-ro, 'cause what's a hee-ro?--but sometimes there's a man. The Dude glances furtively about and then opens a quart of milk. He sticks his nose in the spout and sniffs. VOICE-OVER And I'm talkin' about the Dude here-- sometimes there's a man who, wal, he's the man for his time'n place, he fits right in there--and that's the Dude, in Los Angeles. CHECKOUT GIRL She waits, arms folded. A small black-and white TV next to her register shows George Bush on the White House lawn with helicopter rotors spinning behind him. GEORGE BUSH This aggression will not stand. . . This will not stand! The Dude, peeking over his shades, scribbles something at the little customer's lectern. Milk beads his mustache. VOICE-OVER ...and even if he's a lazy man, and the Dude was certainly that--quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles County. The Dude has his Ralph's Shopper's Club card to one side and is making out a check to Ralph's for sixty-nine cents. VOICE-OVER ...which would place him high in the runnin' for laziest worldwide--but sometimes there's a man. . . sometimes there's a man. EXTERIOR RALPH'S Long shot of the glowing Ralph's. There are only two or three cars parked in the huge lot. VOICE-OVER Wal, I lost m'train of thought here. But--aw hell, I done innerduced him enough. The Dude is a small figure walking across the vast lot. Next to him walks a Mexican carry-out boy in a red apron and cap carrying a small brown bag holding the quart of milk. The two men's footsteps echo in the still of the night. After a beat of walking the Dude offhandedly points. DUDE It's the LeBaron. DUDE'S HOUSE The Dude is going up the walkway of a small Venice bungalow court. He holds the paper sack in one hand and a small leatherette satchel in the other. He awkwardly hugs the grocery bag against his chest as he turns a key in his door. INSIDE The Dude enters and flicks on a light. His head is grabbed from behind and tucked into an armpit. We track with him as he is rushed through the living room, his arm holding the satchel flailing away from his body. Going into the bedroom the outflung satchel catches a piece of doorframe and wallboard and rips through it, leaving a hole. The Dude is propelled across the bedroom and on into a small bathroom, the satchel once again taking away a piece of doorframe. His head is plunged into the toilet. The paper bag hugged to his chest explodes milk as it hits the toilet rim and the satchel pulverizes tile as it crashes to the floor. The Dude blows bubbles. VOICE We want that money, Lebowski. Bunny said you were good for it. Hands haul the Dude out of the toilet. The Dude blubbers and gasps for air. VOICE Where's the money, Lebowski! His head is plunged back into the toilet. VOICE Where's the money, Lebowski! The hands haul him out again, dripping and gasping. VOICE WHERE'S THE fu*kING MONEY, sh*tHEAD! DUDE It's uh, it's down there somewhere. Lemme take another look. His head is plunged back in. VOICE Don't f** with us. If your wife owes money to Jackie Treehorn, that means you owe money to Jackie Treehorn. The inquisitor hauls the Dude's head out one last time and flops him over so that he sits on the floor, back against the toilet. The Dude gropes back in the toilet with one hand. Looming over him is a strapping blond man. Beyond in the living room a young Chinese man unzips his fly and walks over to a rug. CHINESE MAN Ever thus to deadbeats, Lebowski. He starts peeing on the rug. The Dude's hand comes out of the toilet bowl with his sungla**es. DUDE Oh, man. Don't do-- BLOND MAN You see what happens? You see what happens, Lebowski? The Dude puts on his dripping sungla**es. DUDE Look, nobody calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy. I'm the Dude, man. BLOND MAN Your name is Lebowski. Your wife is Bunny. DUDE Bunny? Look, moron. He holds up his hands. DUDE You see a wedding ring? Does this place look like I'm f**ing married? All my plants are dead! The blond man stoops to unzip the satchel. He pulls out a bowling ball and examines it in the manner of a superstitious native. BLOND MAN The f** is this? The Dude pats at his pockets, takes out a joint and lights it. DUDE Obviously you're not a golfer. The blond man drops the ball which pulverizes more tile. BLOND MAN Woo? The Chinese man is zipping his fly. WOO Yeah? BLOND MAN Wasn't this guy supposed to be a millionaire? WOO Uh? They both look around. WOO f**. BLOND MAN What do you think? WOO He looks like a f**in' loser. The Dude pulls his sungla**es down his nose with one finger and peeks over them. DUDE Hey. At least I'm housebroken. The two men look at each other. They turn to leave. WOO f**in' waste of time. The blond man turns testily at the door. BLOND MAN Thanks a lot, a**hole. ON THE DOOR SLAM WE CUT TO: BOWLING PINS Scattered by a strike. Music and head credits play over various bowling shots--pins flying, bowlers hoisting balls, balls gliding down lanes, sliding feet, graceful releases, ball return spinning up a ball, fingers sliding into fingerholes, etc. The music turns into boomy source music, coming from a distant jukebox, as the credits end over a clattering strike. A lanky blonde man with stringy hair tied back in a ponytail turns from the strike to walk back to the bench. MAN Hot damn, I'm throwin' rocks tonight. Mark it, Dude. We are tracking in on the circular bench towards a big man nursing a large plastic cup of Bud. He has dark worried eyes and a goatee. Hairy legs emerge from his khaki shorts. He also wears a khaki army surplus shirt with the sleeves cut off over an old bowling shirt. This is Walter. He squints through the smoke from his own cigarette as he addresses the Dude at the scoring table. The Dude, also holding a large plastic cup of Bud, wears some of its foam on his mustache. WALTER This was a valued rug. He elaborately clears his throat. WALTER This was, uh-- DUDE Yeah man, it really tied the room together-- WALTER This was a valued, uh. Donny, the strike-scoring bowler, enters and sits next Walter. DONNY What tied the room together, Dude? WALTER Were you listening to the story, Donny? DONNY What-- WALTER Were you listening to the Dude's story? DONNY I was bowling-- WALTER So you have no frame of reference, Donny. You're like a child who wanders in in the middle of a movie and wants to know-- DUDE What's your point, Walter? WALTER There's no f**ing reason--here's my point, Dude--there's no f**ing reason-- DONNY Yeah Walter, what's your point? WALTER Huh? DUDE What's the point of--we all know who was at fault, so what the f** are you talking about? WALTER Huh? No! What the f** are you talking--I'm not--we're talking about unchecked aggression here-- DONNY What the f** is he talking about? DUDE My rug. WALTER Forget it, Donny. You're out of your element. DUDE This Chinaman who peed on my rug, I can't go give him a bill so what the f** are you talking about? WALTER What the f** are you talking about?! This Chinaman is not the issue! I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line you do not, uh--and also, Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian- American. Please. DUDE Walter, this is not a guy who built the rail- roads, here, this is a guy who peed on my-- WALTER What the f** are you-- DUDE Walter, he peed on my rug-- DONNY He peed on the Dude's rug-- WALTER YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT! This Chinaman is not the issue, Dude. DUDE So who-- WALTER Jeff Lebowski. Come on. This other Jeffrey Lebowski. The millionaire. He's gonna be easier to find anyway than these two, uh. these two . . . And he has the wealth, uh, the resources obviously, and there is no reason, no fu*kING reason, why his wife should go out and owe money and they pee on your rug. Am I wrong? DUDE No, but-- WALTER Am I wrong! DUDE Yeah, but-- WALTER Okay. That, uh. He elaborately clears his throat. That rap really tied the room together, did it not? DUDE f**in' A. DONNY And this guy peed on it. WALTER Donny! Please! DUDE Yeah, I could find this Lebowski guy-- DONNY His name is Lebowski? That's your name, Dude! DUDE Yeah, this is the guy, this guy should compensate me for the f**ing rug. I mean his wife goes out and owes money and they pee on my rug. WALTER Thaaat's right Dude; they pee on your f**ing Rug. CLOSE ON A PLAQUE We pull back from the name JEFFREY LEBOWSKI engraved in silver to reveal that the plaque, from Variety Clubs International, honors Lebowski as ACHIEVER OF THE YEAR. Reflected in the plaque we see the Dude entering the room with a YOUNG MAN. We hear the two men talk: YOUNG MAN And this is the study. You can see the various commendations, honorary degrees, et cetera. DUDE Yes, uh, very impressive. YOUNG MAN Please, feel free to inspect them. DUDE I'm not really, uh. YOUNG MAN Please! Please! DUDE Uh-huh. We are panning the walls, looking at various citations and certificates unrelated to the ones being discussed offscreen: YOUNG MAN That's the key to the city of Pasadena, which Mr. Lebowski was given two years ago in recognition of his various civic, uh. DUDE Uh-huh. YOUNG MAN That's a Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce Business Achiever award, which is given--not necessarily given every year! Given only when there's a worthy, somebody especially-- DUDE Hey, is this him with Nancy? YOUNG MAN That is indeed Mr. Lebowski with the first lady, yes, taken when-- DUDE Lebowski on the right? YOUNG MAN Of course, Mr. Lebowski on the right, Mrs. Reagan on the left, taken when-- DUDE He's handicapped, huh? YOUNG MAN Mr. Lebowski is disabled, yes. And this picture was taken when Mrs. Reagan was first lady of the nation, yes, yes? Not of California. DUDE Far out. YOUNG MAN And in fact he met privately with the President, though unfortunately there wasn't time for a photo opportunity. DUDE Nancy's pretty good. YOUNG MAN Wonderful woman. We were very-- DUDE Are these. YOUNG MAN These are Mr. Lebowski's children, so to speak-- DUDE Different mothers, huh? YOUNG MAN No, they-- DUDE I guess he's pretty, uh, racially pretty cool-- YOUNG MAN They're not his, heh-heh, they're not literally his children; they're the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, inner-city children of promise but without the-- DUDE I see. YOUNG MAN --without the means for higher education, so Mr. Lebowski has committed to sending all of them to college. DUDE Jeez. Think he's got room for one more? YOUNG MAN One--oh! Heh-heh. You never went to college? DUDE Well, yeah I did, but I spent most of my time occupying various, um, administration buildings-- YOUNG MAN Heh-heh-- DUDE --smoking thai-stick, breaking into the ROTC-- YOUNG MAN Yes, heh-- DUDE --and bowling. I'll tell you the truth, Brandt, I don't remember most of it.--Jeez! f** me! Our continuing track and pan have brought us onto a framed Life Magazine cover which is headlined ARE YOU A LEBOWSKI ACHIEVER? Oddly, the Dude's sungla**ed face is on it; we realize that, under the magazine's logo and headline, the display is mirrored. We hear the door open and the whine of a motor. The Dude, wearing shorts and a bowling shirt, turns to look. So does Brandt, the young man we've been listening to. He wears a suit and has his hands clasped in front of his groin. Entering the room is a fat sixtyish man in a motorized wheelchair--Jeff Lebowski. LEBOWSKI Okay sir, you're a Lebowski, I'm a Lebowski, that's terrific, I'm very busy so what can I do for you? He wheels himself behind a desk. The Dude sits facing him as Brandt withdraws. DUDE Well sir, it's this rug I have, really tied the room together- LEBOWSKI You told Brandt on the phone, he told me. So where do I fit in? DUDE Well they were looking for you, these two guys, they were trying to-- LEBOWSKI I'll say it again, all right? You told Brandt. He told me. I know what happened. Yes? Yes? DUDE So you know they were trying to piss on your rug-- LEBOWSKI Did I urinate on your rug? DUDE You mean, did you personally come and pee on my-- LEBOWSKI Hello! Do you speak English? Parla usted Inglese? I'll say it again. Did I urinate on your rug? DUDE Well no, like I said, Woo peed on the rug-- LEBOWSKI Hello! Hello! So every time--I just want to understand this, sir-- every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city, I have to compensate the-- DUDE Come on, man, I'm not trying to scam anybody here, I'm just-- LEBOWSKI You're just looking for a handout like every other--are you employed, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Look, let me explain something. I'm not Mr. Lebowski; you're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. That, or Duder. His Dudeness. Or El Duderino, if, you know, you're not into the whole brevity thing-- LEBOWSKI Are you employed, sir? DUDE Employed? LEBOWSKI You don't go out and make a living dressed like that in the middle of a weekday. DUDE Is this a--what day is this? LEBOWSKI But I do work, so if you don't mind-- DUDE No, look. I do mind. The Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man. I mean, if your wife owes-- LEBOWSKI My wife is not the issue here. I hope that my wife will someday learn to live on her allowance, which is ample, but if she doesn't, sir, that will be her problem, not mine, just as your rug is your problem, just as every bum's lot in life is his own responsibility regardless of whom he chooses to blame. I didn't blame anyone for the loss of my legs, some chinaman in Korea took them from me but I went out and achieved anyway. I can't solve your problems, sir, only you can. The Dude rises. DUDE Ah f** it. LEBOWSKI Sure! f** it! That's your answer! Tattoo it on your forehead! Your answer to everything! The Dude is heading for the door. LEBOWSKI Your "revolution" is over, Mr. Lebowski! Condolences! The bums lost! As the Dude opens the door. LEBOWSKI ...My advice is, do what your parents did! Get a job, sir! The bums will always lose-- do you hear me, Lebowski? THE BUMS WILL ALWAYS-- The Dude shuts the door on the old man's bellowing to find himself-- HALLWAY --in a high coffered hallway. Brandt is approaching. BRANDT How was your meeting, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Okay. The old man told me to take any rug in the house. WALKWAY A houseman with a rolled-up carpet on one shoulder goes down a stone walk that winds through the back lawn, past a swimming pool to a garage. Brandt and the Dude follow. BRANDT Manolo will load it into your car for you, uh, Dude. DUDE It's the LeBaron. DUDE'S POINT OF VIEW Tracking toward the pool. A young woman sits facing it, her back to us, leaning forward to paint her toenails. Beyond her a black form floats in an inflatable chair in the pool. BRANDT Well, enjoy, and perhaps we'll see you again some time, Dude. DUDE Yeah sure, if I'm ever in the neighborhood, need to use the john. CLOSER TRACK Arcing around the woman's foot as she finishes painting the nails emerald green. THE DUDE Looking. WIDER The young woman looks up at him. She is in her early twenties. She leans back and extends her leg toward the Dude. YOUNG WOMAN Blow on them. The Dude pulls his sungla**es down his nose and peeks over them. DUDE Huh? She waggles her foot and giggles. YOUNG WOMAN G'ahead. Blow. The Dude tentatively grabs hold of her extended foot. DUDE You want me to blow on your toes? YOUNG WOMAN Uh-huh. . . I can't blow that far. The Dude looks over at the pool. DUDE You sure he won't mind? The man bobbing in the inflatable chair is pa**ed out. He is thin, in his thirties, with long stringy blond hair. He wears black leather pants and a black leather jacket, open, shirtless, exposing fine blond chest hair and pale skin. One arm trails off into the water; next to it, an empty whiskey bottle bobs. YOUNG WOMAN Dieter doesn't care about anything. He's a nihilist. DUDE Practicing? The young woman smiles. YOUNG WOMAN You're not blowing. Brandt nervously takes the Dude by the elbow. BRANDT Our guest has to be getting along, Mrs. Lebowski. The Dude grudgingly allows himself to be led away, still looking at the young woman. DUDE You're Bunny? BUNNY I'll s** your co*k for a thousand dollars. Brandt releases a gale of forced laughter: BRANDT Ha-ha-ha-ha! Wonderful woman. Very free-spirited. We're all very fond of her. BUNNY Brandt can't watch though. Or he has to pay a hundred. BRANDT Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! That's marvelous. He continues to lead away the Dude, who looks back over his SHOULDER: DUDE I'm just gonna find a cash machine. BOWLING PINS Scattered by a strike. THE BOWLERS Donny calls out from the bench: DONNY Gra**hopper Dude--They're dead in the water!! As the Dude walks back to the scoring table he turns to another team in black bowling shirts--the Cavaliers--that shares the lane. DUDE Your maples, Carl. Walter, just arriving, is carrying a leatherette satchel in one hand and a large plastic carrier in the other. WALTER Way to go, Dude. If you will it, it is no dream. DUDE You're f**ing twenty minutes late. What the f** is that? WALTER Theodore Herzel. DUDE Huh? WALTER State of Israel. If you will it, Dude, it is no-- DUDE What the f**'re you talking about? The carrier. What's in the f**ing carrier? WALTER Huh? Oh--Cynthia's Pomeranian. Can't leave him home alone or he eats the furniture. DUDE What the f** are you-- WALTER I'm saying, Cynthia's Pomeranian. I'm looking after it while Cynthia and Marty Ackerman are in Hawaii. DUDE You brought a f**ing Pomeranian bowling? WALTER What do you mean "brought it bowling"? I didn't rent it shoes. I'm not buying it a f**ing beer. He's not gonna take your f**ing turn, Dude. He lets the small yapping dog out of the carrier. It scoots around the bowling table, sniffing at bowlers and wagging its tail. DUDE Hey, man, if my f**ing ex-wife asked me to take care of her f**ing dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu, I'd tell her to go f** herself. Why can't she board it? WALTER First of all, Dude, you don't have an ex, secondly, it's a f**ing show dog with f**ing papers. You can't board it. It gets upset, its hair falls out. DUDE Hey man-- WALTER f**ing dog has papers, Dude.--Over the line! Smokey turns from his last roll to look at Walter. WALTER Smokey Huh? WALTER Over the line, Smokey! I'm sorry. That's a foul. SMOKEY Bullsh**. Eight, Dude. WALTER Excuse me! Mark it zero. Next frame. SMOKEY Bullsh**. Walter! WALTER This is not Nam. This is bowling. There are rules. DUDE Come on Walter, it's just--it's Smokey. So his toe slipped over a little, it's just a game. WALTER This is a league game. This determines who enters the next round- robin, am I wrong? SMOKEY Yeah, but-- WALTER Am I wrong!? SMOKEY Yeah, but I wasn't over. Gimme the marker, Dude, I'm marking it an eight. Walter takes out a gun. WALTER Smokey my friend, you're entering a world of pain. DUDE Hey Walter-- WALTER Mark that frame an eight, you're entering a world of pain. SMOKEY I'm not-- WALTER A world of pain. A manager in a bowling-shirt style uniform is running for a phone. SMOKEY Look Dude, I don't hold with this. This guy is your partner, you should-- Walter primes the gun and points it at his head. WALTER HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE CRAZY? AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO GIVES A sh*t ABOUT THE RULES? MARK IT ZERO! The Pomeranian is excitedly yapping at Walter's elbow, making high body-twisting tail-wagging leaps. DUDE Walter, they're calling the cops, put the piece away. WALTER MARK IT ZERO! SMOKEY Walter-- WALTER YOU THINK I'M fu*kING AROUND HERE? MARK IT ZERO!! SMOKEY All right! There it is! It's f**ing zero! He points frantically at the score projected above the lane. SMOKEY You happy, you crazy f**? WALTER This is a league game, Smokey! PARKING LOT Walter and the Dude walk to the Dude's car. The Pomeranian trots happily behind Walter who totes the empty carrier. DUDE Walter, you can't do that. These guys're like me, they're pacificists. Smokey was a conscientious objector. WALTER You know Dude, I myself dabbled with pacifism at one point. Not in Nam, of course-- DUDE And you know Smokey has emotional problems! WALTER You mean--beyond pacifism? DUDE He's fragile, man! He's very fragile! As the two men get into the car: WALTER Huh. I did not know that. Well, it's water under the bridge. And we do enter the next round-robin, am I wrong? DUDE No, you're not wrong-- WALTER Am I wrong! DUDE You're not wrong, Walter, you're just an a**hole. They watch a squad car take a squealing turn into the lot. WALTER Okay then. We play Quintana and O'Brien next week. They'll be pushovers. DUDE Just, just take it easy, Walter. WALTER That's your answer to everything, Dude. And let me point out--pacifism is not--look at our current situation with that camelf**er in Iraq-- pacifism is not something to hide behind. DUDE Well, just take 't easy, man. WALTER I'm perfectly calm, Dude. DUDE Yeah? Wavin' a gun around?! WALTER (smugly) Calmer than you are. -his irritates the Dude further. DUDE Just take it easy, man! Walter is still smug. WALTER Calmer than you are. DUDE'S HOUSE A large, brilliant Persian rug lies beneath the Dude's beat- up old furniture. At the table next to the answering machine the Dude is mixing kalhua, rum and milk. VOICE Dude, this is Smokey. Look, I don't wanna be a hard-on about this, and I know it wasn't your fault, but I just thought it was fair to tell you that Gene and I will be submitting this to the League and asking them to set aside the round. Or maybe forfeit it to us-- DUDE sh**! VOICE --so, like I say, just thought, you know, fair warning. Tell Walter. A beep. ANOTHER VOICE Mr. Lebowski, this is Brandt at, uh, well--at Mr. Lebowski's office. Please call us as soon as is convenient. Beep. ANOTHER VOICE Mr. Lebowski, this is Fred Dynarski with the Southern Cal Bowling League. I just got a, an informal report, uh, that a uh, a member of your team, uh, Walter Sobchak, drew a loaded weapon during league play-- We hear the doorbell. THE DOOR It swings open to reveal a short, hairy, muscular but balding middle-aged man in a black T-shirt and black cut-off jeans. DUDE Hiya Allan. ALLAN Dude, I finally got the venue I wanted. I'm Performing my dance quintet--you know, my cycle--at Crane Jackson's Fountain Street Theatre on Tuesday night, and I'd love it if you came and gave me notes. The Dude takes a swig of his kalhua. DUDE Sure Allan, I'll be there. ALLAN Dude, uh, tomorrow is already the tenth. DUDE Yeah, yeah I know. Okay. ALLAN Just, uh, just slip the rent under my door. DUDE Yeah, okay. BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM The voice continues on the machine. VOICE --serious infraction, and examine your standing. Thank you. Beep. VOICE Mr. Lebowski, Brandt again. Please do call us when you get in and I'll send the limo. Let me a**ure you--I hope you're not avoiding this call because of the rug, which, I a**ure you, is not a problem. We need your help and, uh--well we would very much like to see you. Thank you. It's Brandt. TRACKING We are pushing Brandt down the high-ceilinged hallway. Distantly, we hear a dolorous soprano. Brandt talks back over HIS SHOULDER: BRANDT We've had some terrible news. Mr. Lebowski is in seclusion in the West Wing. DUDE Huh. Brandt throws open a pair of heavy double doors. The music washes over us as we enter a great study where Jeffrey Lebowski, a blanket thrown over his knees, stares hauntedly into a fire, listening to Lohengrin. BRANDT ANNOUNCES, AMBIGUOUSLY: BRANDT Mr. Lebowski. Jeffrey Lebowski waves the Dude in without looking around. LEBOWSKI It's funny. I can look back on a life of achievement, on challenges met, competitors bested, obstacles overcome. I've accomplished more than most men, and without the use of my legs. What. . . What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Dude. LEBOWSKI Huh? DUDE I don't know, sir. LEBOWSKI Is it. . . is it, being prepared to do the right thing? Whatever the price? Isn't that what makes a man? DUDE Sure. That and a pair of testicles. Lebowski turns away from the Dude with a haunted stare, lost in thought. LEBOWSKI You're joking. But perhaps you're right. The Dude thumps at his chest pocket. DUDE Mind if I smoke a jay? LEBOWSKI Bunny. He turns back around and the firelight shows teartracks on his cheeks. DUDE 'Scuse me? LEBOWSKI Bunny Lebowski. . . She is the light of my life. Are you surprised at my tears, sir? DUDE f**in' A. LEBOWSKI Strong men also cry. . . Strong men also cry. He clears his throat. LEBOWSKI I received this fax this morning. Brandt hastily pulls a flimsy sheet from his clipboard and hands it to the Dude. LEBOWSKI As you can see, it is a ransom note. Sent by cowards. Men who are unable to achieve on a level field of play. Men who will not sign their names. Weaklings. Bums. THE DUDE EXAMINES THE FAX: WE HAVE BUNNY. GATHER ONE MILLION DOLLARS IN UNMARKED NON- CONSECUTIVE TWENTIES. AWAIT INSTRUCTIONS. NO FUNNY STUFF. DUDE Bummer. Lebowski looks soulfully at the Dude. LEBOWSKI Brandt will fill you in on the details. He wheels his chair around to once again gaze into the fire. Brandt tugs at the Dude's shirt and points him back to the hall. HALLWAY The soprano's singing is once again faint. Brandt's voice is hushed: BRANDT Mr. Lebowski is prepared to make a generous offer to you to act as courier once we get instructions for the money. DUDE Why me, man? BRANDT He suspects that the culprits might be the very people who, uh, soiled your rug, and you're in a unique position to confirm or, uh, disconfirm that suspicion. DUDE So he thinks it's the carpet-pissers, huh? BRANDT Well Dude, we just don't know. BOWLING PINS CRASH--scattered by a strike, in slow motion. WIDER Still in slow motion. We are looking across the length of the bowling alley at a tall, thin, Hispanic bowler displaying perfect form. He wears an all-in-one dacron-polyester stretch bowling outfit with a racing stripe down each side. FAST TRACK IN On the Dude, sitting next to Walter in the molded plastic chairs. The Dude is staring off towards the bowler. DUDE f**ing Quintana--that creep can roll, man-- BACK TO THE BOWLER Displaying great slow-motion form as the Dude and Walter's conversation continues over. WALTER Yeah, but he's a f**ing pervert, Dude. DUDE Huh? WALTER The man is a s** offender. With a record. Spent six months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight- year-old. FLASHBACK We see Quintana, in pressed jeans and a stretchy sweater, walking up a stoop in a residential neighborhood and zinging the bell. The VOICE-OVER conversation continues. DUDE Huh. WALTER When he moved down to Venice he had to go door-to-door to tell everyone he's a pederast. The door swings open and a beer-swilling middle-aged man looks dully out at Quintana, who looks hesitantly up. DONNY What's a pederast, Walter? WALTER Shut the f** up, Donny. PINS scattered by a strike. QUINTANA wheeling and thrusting a black gloved fist into the air. Stitched above the breast pocket of his all-in-one is his first name, "Jesus". BACK TO WALTER AND THE DUDE They have been joined by Donny. WALTER Anyway. How much they offer you? DUDE Twenty grand. And of course I still keep the rug. WALTER Just for making the hand-off? DUDE Yeah. He slips a little black box out of his shirt pocket. DUDE ...They gave Dude a beeper, so whenever these guys call-- WALTER What if it's during a game? DUDE I told him if it was during league play-- Donny has been watching Quintana. DONNY If what's during league play? WALTER Life does not stop and start at your convenience, you miserable piece of sh**. DONNY What's wrong with Walter, Dude? DUDE I figure it's easy money, it's all pretty harmless. I mean she probably kidnapped herself. WALTER Huh? DONNY What do you mean, Dude? DUDE Rug-peers did not do this. I mean look at it. Young trophy wife. Marries a guy for money but figures he isn't giving her enough. She owes money all over town-- WALTER That...f**ing...b**h! DUDE It's all a goddamn fake. Like Lenin said, look for the person who will benefit. And you will, uh, you know, you'll, uh, you know what I'm trying to say-- DONNY I am the Walrus. WALTER That f**ing b**h! DUDE Yeah. DONNY I am the Walrus. WALTER Shut the f** up, Donny! V.I. Lenin! Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov! DONNY What the f** is he talking about? WALTER That's f**ing exactly what happened, Dude! That makes me f**ing SICK! DUDE Yeah, well, what do you care, Walter? DONNY Yeah Dude, why is Walter so pissed off? WALTER Those rich f**s! This whole f**ing thing-- I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck so that this f**ing strumpet-- DUDE I don't see any connection to Vietnam, Walter. WALTER Well, there isn't a literal connection, Dude. DUDE Walter, face it, there isn't any connection. It's your roll. WALTER Have it your way. The point is-- DUDE It's your roll-- WALTER The f**ing point is-- DUDE It's your roll. VOICE Are you ready to be f**ed, man? They both look up. Quintana, on his way out, looks down at them from the lip of the lanes. Over his polyester all-in-one he now wears a windbreaker with a racing stripe and "Jesus" stitched on the breast. He is holding a fancy black-and-red leather ball satchel (perhaps a Sylvia Wein). Behind him stands his partner, O'Brien, a short fat Irishman with tufted red hair. QUINTANA I see you rolled your way into the semis. Deos mio, man. Seamus and me, we're gonna f** you up. DUDE Yeah well, that's just, ya know, like, your opinion, man. Quintana looks at Walter. QUINTANA Let me tell you something, bendeco. You pull any your crazy sh** with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you and stick it up your a** and pull the f**ing trigger til it goes "click". DUDE Jesus. QUINTANA You said it, man. Nobody f**s with the Jesus. Jesus walks away. Walter nods sadly. WALTER Eight-year-olds, Dude. DUDE'S BUNGALOW We are looking down at the Dude who is prone on the rug. His eyes are closed. He wears a Walkman headset. Leaking tinnily through the headphones we can just hear an intermittent clatter. In his outflung hand lies a ca**ette case labeled VENICE BEACH LEAGUE PLAYOFFS 1987. The Dude absently licks his lips as we faintly hear a hall rumbling down the lane. On its impact with the pins, the Dude opens his eyes. He screams. A blonde woman looms over him. Next to her a young man in paint-spattered denims stoops and swings something towards the carrier. The sap catches the Dude on the chin and sends his head thunking back onto the rug. A million stars explode against a field of black. We hear the "La-la-la-la" of The Man in Me. The black field dissolves into the pattern of the rug. The rug rolls away to reveal an aerial view of the city of Los Angeles at twilight, moving below us at great speed. The Dude is flying over the city, his arms thrown out in front of him, the wind whipping his hair and billowing his bowling shirt. He looks up. Ahead the mysterious blonde woman wings away, riding on the Dude's rug like a sheik on a magic carpet. She is outpacing us, growing smaller. The Dude does a couple of lazy crawl strokes and then notices that a bowling ball has materialized in his forward hand. His bemusement turns to concern over the aerodynamic implications just as the ball seems to suddenly a**ume its weight, abruptly snapping his arm down, and him after it. He is falling. From a high angle we see the Dude hurtling down toward the city, dragged by the ball. A reverse looking up shows the Dude hurtling toward us out of the inky sky, his eyes wide with horror. Led by the bowling ball, he zooms past the camera leaving us in black. We hear a distant rumble, like thunder. Dull reflections materialize in the darkness. They are glints off the shiny surface of an oncoming bowling ball. We pull back to reveal that the blackness was the inside of a ball return, and the gleaming bowling ball is being regurgitated up at us, overtaking us. The Dude looks up, up, up at the looming ball, its ma** rolling a huge shadow across his face. The gleaming ball shows three dead black holes rolling toward us --finger holes. The largest--thumb--hole rolls directly over us, engulfing us once again in black.. The black rolls away and we are spinning--spinning down a bowling lane--our point of view that of someone trapped in the thumbhole of the rolling ball. We see the receding bowler spinning away. It is the blonde woman, performing her follow-through. Floor spins up at us and then away; ceiling spins up and away; the length of the alley with pins at the end; floor; ceiling; approaching pins; again and again. We hit the pins and clatter into blackness. We hear pins spin, hit each other and drop. We hear an irritating, insistent beeping. FADE IN We are close on the Dude, upside down. As the picture fades in the bowling noises continue, but filtered and faint. They come from the Dude's Walkman, the headset of which is now askew, with one arm off his ear. As the Dude opens his eyes we spiral slowly upward to put him right side around. His head is now resting against hardwood floor, not rug. DUDE Oh man. He raises himself onto his elbows and ma**ages the red lump on his jaw. The beeper on his belt is blinking red in sync with the continuing irritating beeps. WIDE ON THE ROOM An end table is upset, but otherwise the furniture is in place. The rug is gone. The Dude looks around. The bowling sounds continue. The beeps continue. The phone starts to jangle. TRACK We push Brandt down the familiar marble hallway. Again there is a distant aria. Brandt throws out a wrist to look at his watch. BRANDT They called about eighty minutes ago. They want you to take the money and drive north on the 4 5. They'll call you on the portable phone with instructions in about forty minutes. One person only or I'd go with you. They were very clear on that: one person only. What happened to your jaw? DUDE Oh, nothin', you know. They have reached the little desk outside of the big Lebowski's office; Brandt opens its bottom drawer with a key and takes out an attache case. He hands this to the Dude along with a cellular phone in a battery-pack carrying case. BRANDT Here's the money, and the phone. Please, Dude, follow whatever instructions they give. DUDE Uh-huh. BRANDT Her life is in your hands. DUDE Oh, man, don't say that.. BRANDT Mr. Lebowski asked me to repeat that: Her life is in your hands. DUDE sh**. BRANDT Her life is in your hands, Dude. And report back to us as soon as it's done. DUDE'S CAR We pan off the Dude, driving, to his point of view through the front windshield. The headlights play over Walter standing waiting in front of the storefront of SOBCHAK SECURITY. Though he is wearing khaki shorts and shirt, the fact that he holds a battered brown briefcase makes him look oddly like a commuter. He also holds an irregular shape bundled in brown wrapping paper. The car stops in front of him and he opens the Dude's door and hands in the briefcase. WALTER Take the ringer. I'll drive. The Dude takes the briefcase and slides over. DUDE The what? WALTER The ringer! The ringer, Dude! Have they called yet? The Dude opens the briefcase and paws bemusedly through it as the car starts rolling. DUDE What the hell is this? WALTER My dirty undies. Laundry, Dude. The whites. DUDE Agh-- He closes the briefcase. DUDE Walter, I'm sure there's a reason you brought your dirty undies-- WALTER Thaaaat's right, Dude. The weight. The ringer can't look empty. DUDE Walter--what the f** are you thinking? WALTER Well you're right, Dude, I got to thinking. I got to thinking why should we settle for a measly f**ing twenty grand-- DUDE We? What the f** we? You said you just wanted to come along-- WALTER My point, Dude, is why should we settle for twenty grand when we can keep the entire million. Am I wrong? DUDE Yes you're wrong. This isn't a f**ing game, Walter-- WALTER It is a f**ing game. You said so yourself, Dude--she kidnapped herself-- DUDE ' Yeah, but-- The phone chirps. Dude grabs it. DUDE Dude here. VOICE (German accent) Who is this? DUDE Dude the Bagman. Where do you want us to go? VOICE ...Us? DUDE sh**. . . Uh, yeah, you know, me and the driver. I'm not handling the money and driving the car and talking on the phone all by my f**ing-- VOICE Shut the f** up. (Beat) Hello? DUDE Yeah? VOICE Okay, listen-- Walter looks over at the Dude and bellows: WALTER Dude, are you f**ing this up? VOICE Who is that? DUDE The driver man, I told you-- Click. Dial tone. DUDE Oh sh**. Walter. WALTER What the f** is going on there? DUDE They hung up, Walter! You f**ed it up! You f**ed it up! Her life was in our hands! WALTER Easy, Dude. DUDE We're screwed now! We don't get sh** and they're gonna k** her! We're f**ed, Walter! WALTER Dude, nothing is f**ed. Come on. You're being very unDude. They'll call back. Look, she kidnapped her-- The phone chirps. WALTER Ya see? Nothing is f**ed up here, Dude. Nothing is f**ed. These guys are f**ing amateurs-- DUDE Shutup, Walter! Don't f**ing say peep when I'm doing business here. WALTER (patronizing) Okay Dude. Have it your way. The Dude unclips the phone from the battery pack. WALTER But they're amateurs. The Dude glares at Walter. Into the phone: DUDE Dude here. VOICE Okay, vee proceed. But only if there is no funny stuff. DUDE Yeah. VOICE So no funny stuff. Okay? DUDE Hey, just tell me where the f** you want us to go. A HIGHWAY SIGN: SIMI VALLEY ROAD It flashes by in the headlights of the roaring car. DUDE That was the sign. Walter wrestles the car onto the two-lane road. WALTER Yeah. So as long as we get her back, nobody's in a position to complain. And we keep the baksheesh. DUDE Terrific, Walter. But you haven't told me how we get her back. Where is she? WALTER That's the simple part, Dude. When we make the handoff, I grab the guy and beat it out of him. He looks at the Dude. WALTER ...Huh? DUDE Yeah. That's a great plan, Walter. That's f**ing ingenious, if I understand it correctly. That's a Swiss f**ing watch. WALTER Thaaat's right, Dude. The beauty of this is its simplicity. If the plan gets too complex something always goes wrong. If there's one thing I learned in Nam-- The phone chirps. DUDE Dude. VOICE You are approaching a vooden britch. When you cross it you srow ze bag from ze left vindow of ze moving kar. Do not slow down. Vee vatch you. Click. Dial tone. DUDE fu*k. WALTER What'd he say? Where's the hand- off? DUDE There is no f**ing hand-off, Walter! At a wooden bridge we throw the money out of the car! WALTER Huh? DUDE We throw the money out of the moving car! Walter stares dumbly for a beat. WALTER We can't do that, Dude. That f**s up our plan. DUDE Well call them up and explain it to 'em, Walter! Your plan is so f**ing simple, I'm sure they'd f**ing understand it! That's the beauty of it Walter! WALTER Wooden bridge, huh? DUDE I'm throwing the money, Walter! We're not f**ing around! WALTER The bridge is coming up! Gimme the ringer, Dude! Chop-chop! DUDE f** that! I love you, Walter, but sooner or later you're gonna have to face the fact that you're a goddamn moron. WALTER Okay, Dude. No time to argue. Here's the bridge-- There is the bump and new steady of the car on the bridge. The Dude is twisting around to pull the money briefcase from the back seat. Walter reaches one arm across Dude's body to grab the laundry. And there goes the ringer. He flings it out the window. DUDE Walter! WALTER Your wheel, Dude! I'm rolling out! DUDE What the f**? WALTER Your wheel! At fifteen em-pee-aitch I roll out! I double back, grab one of 'em and beat it out of him! The uzi! DUDE Uzi? Walter points across the seat at the paper-wrapped bundle. WALTER You didn't think I was rolling out of here naked! DUDE Walter, please-- Walter has flung open his door and is leaning halfway out over the road. WALTER Fifteen! This is it, Dude! Let's take that hill! Walter rolls out with his parcel, giving a loud grunt as he hits the pavement. The car swerves and lurches and the Dude, cursing, takes the wheel. OUTSIDE Walter tumbles onto the shoulder and--RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!--muzzle flashes tear open the wrapping paper. INSIDE THE CAR The car rocks and the Dude wrestles with the wheel. OUTSIDE The car clunks and screams around in a skid. INSIDE The Dude is thrown forward as the car hits something. OUTSIDE As the Dude struggles out holding the satchel of money. The front of his car is crumpled into a tree. The car body saps back to the left, where the rear wheel has been shot out. WALTER is just rising from the ground ma**aging an injured knee. The Dude runs up the road toward the bridge, frantically waving the satchel in the air. DUDE WE HAVE IT! WE HAVE IT!! There is a distant engine roar. A motorcycle bumps up onto the road from the ravine under the bridge and, tires squealing, skids around to speed away in the opposite direction. It is closely followed by two more roaring motorcycles. DUDE WE HAVE IT!!. . . We have it! The Dude and Walter stand in the middle of the road, watching the three red tail lights fishtail away. AFTER A LONG STARING SILENCE: WALTER Ahh f** it, let's go bowling. BOWLING LANE A ball rumbles in to scatter ten pins. WALTER. He turns from the lane to where the Dude sits in the nook of molded plastic chairs. The Dude listlessly holds the portable phone in his lap. It is ringing. WALTER Aitz chaim he, Dude. As the ex used to say. DUDE What the f** is that supposed to mean? What the f**'re we gonna tell Lebowski? WALTER Huh? Oh, him, yeah. Well I don't see, um-- what exactly is the problem? The portable phone stops ringing. DUDE Huh? The problem is--what do you mean what's the--there's no--we didn't-- they're gonna k** that poor woman-- WALTER What the f**'re you talking about? That poor woman--that poor s*ut-- kidnapped herself, Dude. You said so yourself-- DUDE No, Walter! I said I thought she kidnapped herself! You're the one who's so f**ing certain-- WALTER That's right, Dude, 1 % certain-- Donny is trotting excitedly up. DONNY They posted the next round of the tournament-- WALTER Donny, shut the f--when do we play? DONNY This Saturday. Quintana and-- WALTER Saturday! Well they'll have to reschedule. DUDE Walter, what'm I gonna tell Lebowski? WALTER I told that f** down at the league office-- who's in charge of scheduling? DUDE Walter-- DONNY Burkhalter. WALTER I told that kraut a f**ing thousand times I don't roll on shabbas. DONNY It's already posted. WALTER WELL THEY CAN fu*kING UN-POST IT! DUDE Who gives a sh**, Walter? What about that poor woman? What do we tell-- WALTER C'mon Dude, eventually she'll get sick of her little game and, you know, wander back-- DONNY How come you don't roll on Saturday, Walter? WALTER I'm shomer shabbas. DONNY What's that, Walter? DUDE Yeah, and in the meantime what do I tell Lebowski? WALTER Saturday is shabbas. Jewish day of rest. Means I don't work, I don't drive a car, I don't f**ing ride in a car, I don't handle money, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as sh** don't f**ing roll! DONNY Sheesh. DUDE Walter, how-- WALTER Shomer shabbas. The Dude gets to his feet with the portable phone. DUDE That's it. I'm out of here. WALTER For Christ's sake, Dude. Walter and Donny join the Dude as he walks out of the bowling alley. Hell, you just tell him--well, you tell him, uh, we made the hand-off, everything went, uh, you know-- DONNY Oh yeah, how'd it go? WALTER Went alright. Dude's car got a little dinged up-- DUDE But Walter, we didn't make the f**ing hand- off! They didn't get, the f**ing money and they're gonna-- they're gonna-- WALTER Yeah yeah, "k** that poor woman." He waves both arms as if conducting a symphony orchestra. WALTER k** that poor woman. DONNY Walter, if you can't ride in a car, how d'you get around on Shammas-- WALTER Really, Dude, you surprise me. They're not gonna k** sh**. They're not gonna do sh**. What can they do? f**in' amateurs. And meanwhile, look at the bottom line. Who's sitting on a million f**ing dollars? Am I wrong? DUDE Walter-- WALTER Who's got a f**ing million f**ing dollars parked in the trunk of our car out here? DUDE "Our" car, Walter? WALTER And what do they got, Dude? My dirty undies. My f**ing whites--Say, where is the car? The three bowlers, stopped at the edge of the lot, stare out at an empty parking space. DONNY Who has your undies, Walter? WALTER Where's your car, Dude? DUDE You don't know, Walter? You seem to know the answer to everything else! WALTER Hmm. Well, we were in a handicapped spot. It, uh, it was probably towed. DUDE It's been stolen, Walter! You f**ing know it's been stolen! WALTER Well, certainly that's a possibility, Dude-- DUDE Aw, f** it. The Dude walks away across the lot. The portable phone starts ringing again. DONNY Where you going, Dude? DUDE I'm going home, Donny. DONNY Your phone's ringing, Dude. DUDE Thank you, Donny. DUDE'S LIVING ROOM The Dude is slumped disconsolately back in his easy chair, fingers of one hand cupped over his sungla**es. Facing him on the couch are two uniformed policeman, one middle-aged, the other a fresh-faced rookie. At the cut the portable phone, in the Dude's lap, is chirping. The Dude waits for the rings to end. When they do: DUDE 1972 Pontiac LeBaron. YOUNGER COP Color? DUDE Green. Some brown, or, uh, rust, coloration. YOUNGER COP And was there anything of value in the car? DULLY: DUDE Huh? Oh. Yeah. Tape deck. Couple of Creedence tapes. And there was a, uh. . . my briefcase. YOUNGER COP In the briefcase? DUDE Papers. Just papers. You know, my papers. Business papers. YOUNGER COP And what do you do, sir? DUDE I'm unemployed. OLDER COP ...Most people, we're working nights, they offer us coffee. There is silence. Dude continues to stare at a spot on the floor. The older cop stares at him. DUDE ...Me, I don't drink coffee. But it's nice when they offer. AT LENGTH: DUDE ...Also, my rug was stolen. YOUNGER COP Your rug was in the car. The Dude taps the floor with his foot. DUDE No. Here. YOUNGER COP Separate incidents? The Dude stares at the floor. Silence. OLDER COP Snap out of it, son. The home phone starts ringing--a ring distinct from the chirp of the portable. The Dude makes no move to answer it. Finally the rings stop as an answering machine kicks on. DUDE You find them much? Stolen cars? Dude's Voice on Machine The Dude's not in. Leave a message after the beep. It takes a minute. YOUNGER COP Sometimes. I wouldn't hold out much hope for the tape deck though. Or the Creedence tapes. DUDE And the, uh, the briefcase? Beep. FEMALE VOICE ON MACHINE Mr. Lebowski, I'd like to see you. Call when you get home and I'll send a car for you. My name is Maude Lebowski. I'm the woman who took the rug. Beep. Dial tone. OLDER COP Well, I guess we can close the file on that one. TRACKING FORWARD We are moving through the open living area of a large downtown L.A. loft. A huge unfinished canvas, lit by standing industrial lights, dominates one wall. The furnishings are spare given the space. On the floor is the Dude's brilliant rug. We hear a rumble like an approaching bowling ball. The Dude, standing in the middle of the loft, looks into the murky depths of the cavernous space. Something huge and white hurtles towards the Dude's head. As it roars overhead he ducks, and spins to watch it pa**. We see the backside of a naked woman in a sling suspended from a ceiling track rumbling over a canvas that lies on the floor. She is holding a paint bucket in one hand and a brush in the other, with which she flicks paint down at the canvas. The Dude turns again as he hears running footsteps. Two young men in paint-spattered shorts, T-shirts and sneakers reach the sling shortly after it reaches the end of its track and haul it back for another push. VOICE I'll be with you in a minute, Mr. Lebowski. She rumbles by in another pa**. All right, we'll do the blue tomorrow. Elfranco. Pedro. Help me down. The two men help Maude out of her sling. She is naked except for leather harness straps which ring her breasts and wrap her thighs and give her something of a dominatrix look. Does the female form make you uncomfor- table, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Is that what that's a picture of? MAUDE In a sense, yes. Elfranco, my robe. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal. Which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina. DUDE Oh yeah? MAUDE Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say. Whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his "dick" or his "rod" or his "Johnson". DUDE "Johnson"? MAUDE Thank you. This to Elfranco, who has handed her a robe. All right, Mr. Lebowski, let's get down to cases. My father told me he's agreed to let you have the rug, but it was a gift from me to my late mother, and so was not his to give. Now. As for this. . . "kidnapping"-- DUDE Huh? MAUDE Yes, I know about it. And I know that you acted as courier. And let me tell you something: the whole thing stinks to high heaven. DUDE Right, but let me explain something about that rug-- MAUDE Do you like s**, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Excuse me? MAUDE Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it? DUDE I was talking about my rug. MAUDE You're not interested in s**? DUDE You mean coitus? MAUDE I like it too. It's a male myth about feminists that we hate s**. It can be a natural, zesty enterprise. But unfortunately there are some people--it is called satyriasis in men, nymphomania in women--who engage in it compulsively and without joy. DUDE Oh, no. MAUDE Yes Mr. Lebowski, these unfortunate souls cannot love in the true sense of the word. Our mutual acquaintance Bunny is one of these. DUDE Listen, Maude, I'm sorry if your stepmother is a nympho, but I don't see what it has to do with--do you have any kalhua? MAUDE Take a look at this, sir. She is aiming a remote at a projection TV. The screen flickers to life. A title card: JACKIE TREEHORN PRESENTS SECOND CARD: KARL HUNGUS AND BUNNY LAJOYA IN A THIRD CARD: LOGJAMMIN' The Dude is at the bar, a bottle of kalhua frozen halfway to his gla**. From the television set we hear a doorbell ring, and then a door opening. On the TV screen the door opens to reveal a sallow-faced man in blue coyer-alls. It is Dieter, the floater in Lebowski's pool. DIETER Hello. Nein dizbatcher says zere iss problem mit deine kable. DUDE sh**, I know that guy. He's a nihilist. MAUDE And you recognize her, of course. The girl answering the door is Bunny Lebowski. Bunny The TV is in here. DIETER Za, okay, I bring mein toolz. Bunny This is my friend Shari. She just came over to use the shower. MAUDE (grimly) The story is ludicrous. DIETER Mein nommen iss Karl. Is hard to verk in zese clozes-- Maude switches off the set. MAUDE Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here. DUDE He fixes the cable? MAUDE Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey. Little matter to me that this woman chose to pursue a career in p**nography, nor that she has been "banging" Jackie Treehorn, to use the parlance of our times. However. I am one of two trustees of the Lebowski Foundation, the other being my father. The Foundation takes youngsters from Watts and-- DUDE sh** yeah, the achievers. MAUDE Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, yes, and proud we are of all of them. I asked my father about his withdrawal of a million dollars from the Foundation account and he told me about this "abduction", but I tell you it is preposterous. This compulsive fornicator is taking my father for the proverbial ride. DUDE Yeah, but my- MAUDE I'm getting to your rug. My father and I don't get along; he doesn't approve of my lifestyle and, needless to say, I don't approve of his. Still, I hardly wish to make my father's embezzlement a police matter, so I'm proposing that you try to recover the money from the people you delivered it to. DUDE Well--sure, I could do that-- MAUDE If you successfully do so, I will compensate you to the tune of 1% of the recovered sum. DUDE A hundred. MAUDE Thousand, yes, bones or clams or whatever you call them. DUDE Yeah, but what about-- MAUDE --your rug, yes, well with that money you can buy any number of rugs that don't have sentimental value for me. And I am sorry about that crack on the jaw. The Dude fingers his jaw, where the lump from the sap has all but disappeared. DUDE Oh that's okay, I hardly even-- MAUDE Here's the name and number of a doctor who will look at it for you. You will receive no bill. He's a good man, and thorough. DUDE That's really thoughtful but I-- MAUDE Please see him, Jeffrey. He's a good man, and thorough. LIMO The Dude sits in back holding a White Russian, listening to the chauffeur, a man of about the same age from whose livery cap a ponytail emerges. DRIVER --So he says, "My son can't hold a job, my daughter's married to a f**in' loser, and I got a rash on my a** so bad I can't hardly siddown. But you know me. I can't complain." THROUGH RASPING LAUGHTER: DUDE f**in' A, man. I got a rash. f**in' A, man. I gotta tell ya Tony. He takes a sip of a freshly-mixed White Russian, which leaves milk on his mustache. I was feeling really sh**ty earlier in the day, I'd lost a little money, I was down in the dumps. TONY Aw, forget about it. DUDE Yeah, man! f** it! I can't be worrying about that sh**. Life goes on! The limo has rolled to a stop. The Dude gets out, still holding his drink. TONY Home sweet home, Mr. L. Who's your friend in the Volkswagon? DUDE Huh? His eyes on the rearview mirror, Tony jerks a thumb over his shoulder. He followed us here. The Dude turns to look. HIS POV Halfway up the block a Volkswagon bug has pulled over to the curb. In the driver's seat we see a fat man's shape. THE DUDE He scowls. DUDE When did he- The Dude is grabbed from behind and muscled away in a half- nelson by another uniformed chauffeur. SECOND CHAUFFEUR Into the limo, you sonofab**h. No arguments. As he is frog-marched towards another limo the Dude holds his drink away from his chest and cups a hand underneath it. DUDE f**, man! There's a beverage here! The waiting limo's back door is flung open. INSIDE The Dude is shoved in and awkwardly takes a seat facing the rear. The door is slammed behind him. LEBOWSKI Start talking and talk fast you lousy bum! BRANDT We've been frantically trying to reach you, Dude. Brandt sits catty-corner from the Dude; directly across from the Dude is the big Lebowski, a comforter across his knees. LEBOWSKI Where's my goddamn money, you bum?! DUDE Well we--I don't-- LEBOWSKI They did not receive the money, you nitwit! They did not receive the goddamn money. HER LIFE WAS IN YOUR HANDS! BRANDT This is our concern, Dude. DUDE No, man, nothing is f**ed here-- LEBOWSKI NOTHING IS fu*kED! THE GODDAMN PLANE HAS CRASHED INTO THE MOUNTAIN! The Dude takes a hurried sip from his drink. DUDE C'mon man, who're you gonna believe? Those guys are--we dropped off the damn money-- LEBOWSKI WHAT?! DUDE I--the royal we, you know, the editorial--I dropped off the money, exactly as per--Look, I've got certain information, certain things have come to light, and uh, has it ever occurred to you, man, that given the nature of all this new sh**, that, uh, instead of running around blaming me, that this whole thing might just be, not, you know, not just such a simple, but uh--you know? LEBOWSKI What in God's holy name are you blathering about? DUDE I'll tell you what I'm blathering about! I got information--new sh** has come to light and--sh**, man! She kidnapped herself! Lebowski stares at him, dumbstruck. The Dude is encouraged. DUDE Well sure, look at it! Young trophy wife, I mean, in the parlance of our times, owes money all over town, including to known p**nographers-- and that's cool, that's cool-- but I'm saying, she needs money, and of course they're gonna say they didn't get it 'cause she wants more, man, she's gotta feed the monkey, I mean-- hasn't that ever occurred to you...? Sir? LEBOWSKI (quietly) No. No Mr. Lebowski, that had not occurred to me. BRANDT That had not occurred to us, Dude. DUDE Well, okay, you're not privy to all the new sh**, so uh, you know, but that's what you pay me for. Speaking of which, would it be possible for me to get my twenty grand in cash? I gotta check this with my accountant of course, but my concern is that, you know, it could bump me into a higher tax-- LEBOWSKI Brandt, give him the envelope. DUDE Well, okay, if you've already made out the check. Brandt is handing him a letter-sized envelope which is distended by something inside. BRANDT We received it this morning. The Dude, frowning, untucks its flap, takes out some cotton wadding and unrolls it. LEBOWSKI Since you have failed to achieve, even in the modest task that was your charge, since you have stolen my money, and since you have unrepentantly betrayed my trust. The wadding, undone, reveals a smaller wad of gauze taped up inside. The Dude undoes the tape with his fingernails and starts to unroll the inner package. LEBOWSKI I have no choice but to tell these bums that they should do whatever is necessary to recover their money from you, Jeffrey Lebowski. And with Brandt as my witness, tell you this: Any further harm visited upon Bunny, shall be visited tenfold upon your head. Between thumb and forefinger the Dude holds up the contents of the package--a little toe, with emerald green nail polish. LEBOWSKI ...By God sir. I will not abide another toe. COFFEE SHOP The Dude and Walter sit at the counter, both staring off into space, both absently stirring their coffee with little clinking noises. AFTER A LONG BEAT: WALTER That wasn't her toe. DUDE Whose toe was it, Walter? WALTER How the f** should I know? I do know that nothing about it indicates-- DUDE The nail polish, Walter. WALTER Fine, Dude. As if it's impossible to get some nail polish, apply it to someone else's toe-- DUDE Someone else's--where the f** are they gonna-- WALTER You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me. DUDE But Walter-- WALTER I'll get you a toe by this afternoon--with nail polish. These f**ing amateurs. They send us a toe, we're supposed to sh** our- selves with fear. Jesus Christ. My point is-- DUDE They're gonna k** her, Walter, and then they're gonna k** me-- WALTER Well that's just, that's the stress talking, Dude. So far we have what looks to me like a series of victimless crimes-- DUDE What about the toe? WALTER FORGET ABOUT THE fu*kING TOE! A waitress enters. WAITRESS Could you please keep your voices down--this is a family restaurant. WALTER Oh, please dear! I've got news for you: the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior restraint! DUDE Walter, this isn't a First Amendment thing. WAITRESS Sir, if you don't calm down I'm going to have to ask you to leave. WALTER Lady, I got buddies who died face- down in the muck so you and I could enjoy this family restaurant! THE DUDE GETS UP: DUDE All right, I'm leaving. I'm sorry ma'am. WALTER Don't run away from this, Dude! Goddamnit, this affects all of us! The Dude has left frame; Walter calls after him: WALTER Our basic freedoms! He looks defiantly around. WALTER I'm staying. Finishing my coffee. He stirs the coffee, bopping his head in time to the Muzak, affecting nonchalance. WALTER Finishing my coffee. DUDE'S BATHROOM A dripping noise. The Dude sits in the bathtub, staring stuporously, a joint pinched in one hand, a washcloth draped over his head. We hear the phone ringing in the other roam. The Dude is staring at his toes, which protrude from the soapy water, splayed against the far side of the tub. After the Dude's outgoing message we hear: VOICE THROUGH MACHINE Mr. Lebowski, this is Duty Officer Rolvaag of the L.A.P.D. The Dude looks stuporously up, his head swaying. VOICE THROUGH MACHINE We've recovered your vehicle. It can be claimed at the North Hollywood Auto Circus there on Victory. DUDE Far out. Far f**in' out. MESSAGE You'll just need to present a-- The message is interrupted by loud smashing sounds, as of someone applying a baseball bat to the answering machine. DUDE Hunh? He looks blearily at the open doorway. A tall man dressed in black leather with a cricket paddle is striding across the living room towards the bathroom. DUDE Hey! This is a private residence, man! The man has entered the bathroom and, in stride, swings the cricket paddle up to smash the overhead light. Two other men are entering behind him. The room is dark now except for spill from the living room; the men are backlit shapes. One of them holds a string at the other end of which a small animal skitters excitedly about the floor. The Dude looks curiously at the small, nattering animal. DUDE Nice marmot. The man with the string scoops up the marmot and tosses it, screaming, into the bathtub. The Dude screams. The marmot splashes frantically, biting at the Dude in a frenzy of fearful aggression. FIRST MAN Vee vant zat money, Lebowski. The Dude, screaming, grabs the lip of the tub and starts to hoist himself up but the first man lays a palm on top of his head and squishes him back into the water. SECOND MAN You think veer kidding und making mit de funny stuff? THIRD MAN Vee could do things you only dreamed of, Lebowski. SECOND MAN Ja, vee could really do it, Lebowski. Vee belief in nossing. He scoops the marmot out of the water. It shakes itself off, spraying the Dude. DUDE Jesus! DIETER Vee belief in nossing, Lebowski! NOSSING!! The marmot, back on the floor, is skittering around, shaking itself and convulsing in little sneezes. DUDE Jesus Christ! FIRST MAN Tomorrow vee come back und cut off your chonson. DUDE Excuse me? FIRST MAN I SAY VEE CUT OFF YOUR CHONSON! The three men turn to leave. Over their retreating backs: SECOND MAN Just sink about zat, Lebowski. FIRST MAN Ja, your viggly penis, Lebowski. SECOND MAN Ja, und maybe vee stamp on it und skvush it, Lebowski! NORTH HOLLYWOOD AUTO CIRCUS A policeman with a clipboard is leading the Dude through a large parking lot. POLICEMAN You're lucky she wasn't chopped, Mr. Lebowski. Must've been a joyride situation; they abandoned the car once they hit the retaining wall. They have reached the Dude's car. The driver's side exterior has been scraped raw. The policeman hands the Dude a door handle and an exterior rear-view mirror. POLICEMAN These were on the road next to the car. You'll have to get in on the other side. The Dude climbs in the pa**enger side. DUDE My f**ing briefcase! It's not here! POLICEMAN Yeah, sorry, I saw that on the report. You're lucky they left the tape deck though. DUDE My f**ing briefcase! Jesus--what's that smell? POLICEMAN Uh, yeah. Probably a vagrant, slept in the car. Or perhaps just used it as a toilet, and moved on. The Dude tries to roll down the driver's window but it will not go; he bellows through the gla**: DUDE When will you find these guys? I mean, do you have any promising leads? The policeman laughs, agreeing broadly. POLICEMAN Leads, yeah. I'll just check with the boys down at the Crime Lab. They've a**igned four more detectives to the case, got us working in shifts. The Dude looks sadly through his window at the policeman rocking back on his heels, his raucous laughter muffled by the gla**. BOWLING ALLEY BAR The Dude, Walter and Donny sit at the bar, the Dude with a White Russian, Walter with a beer, and Donny eating beer nuts. DONNY And then they're gonna stamp on it?! WALTER Oh for Christ--will you shut the f** up, Donny. DUDE I figure my only hope is that the big Lebowski k**s me before the Germans can cut my dick off. WALTER Now that is ridiculous, Dude. No one is going to cut your dick off. DUDE Thanks Walter. WALTER Not if I have anything to say about it. DUDE (bitterly) Yeah, thanks Walter. That gives me a very secure feeling. WALTER Dude-- DUDE That makes me feel all warm inside. WALTER Now Dude-- DUDE This whole f**ing thing--I could be sitting here with just pee-stains on my rug. Walter sadly shakes his head. WALTER f**ing Germans. Nothing changes. f**ing Nazis. DONNY They were Nazis, Dude? WALTER Come on, Donny, they were threatening castration! DONNY Uh-huh. WALTER Are you gonna split hairs? DONNY No-- WALTER Am I wrong? DONNY Well-- DUDE They're nihilists. WALTER Huh? DUDE They kept saying they believe in nothing. WALTER Nihilists! Jesus. Walter looks haunted. Say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos. DUDE Yeah. WALTER And let's also not forget--let's not forget, Dude--that keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city-- that isn't legal either. DUDE What're you, a f**ing park ranger now? WALTER No, I'm-- DUDE Who gives a sh** about the f**ing marmot! WALTER --We're sympathizing here, Dude-- DUDE f** your sympathy! I don't need your sympathy, man, I need my f**ing Johnson! DONNY What do you need that for, Dude? WALTER You gotta buck up, man, you can't go into the tournament with this negative attitude-- DUDE f** the tournament! f** you, Walter! There is a moment of stunned silence. WALTER f** the tournament?! SAD; QUIET: WALTER Okay Dude. I can see you don't want to be cheered up. C'mon Donny, let's go get a lane. They leave the Dude sitting morosely at the bar. As he stares DOWN INTO HIS EMPTY GLASS: DUDE Another Caucasian, Gary. VOICE Right, Dude. STILL STARING DOWN AT THE BAR: DUDE Friends like these, huh Gary. GARY That's right, Dude. The pop song on the jukebox has ended; someone puts on "Tumbling Tumbleweeds." A man saunters up to the bar to take the stool that Walter vacated. He is middle-aged, amiable, craggily handsome--Sam Elliot, perhaps. He has a large Western-style mustache and wears denims, a yoked shirt and a cowboy hat. TO THE BARTENDER: MAN D'ya have a good sarsaparilla? We recognize the voice of The Stranger whose narration opened the movie. BARTENDER Sioux City Sarsaparilla. The Stranger nods. THE STRANGER That's a good one. Waiting for his drink, he looks amiably around the bar. His crinkled eyes settle on the Dude. THE STRANGER How ya doin' there, Dude? The Dude, still staring down at his drink, shakes his head. DUDE Ahh, not so good, man. THE STRANGER One a those days, huh. Wal, a wiser fella than m'self once said, sometimes you eat the bar and sometimes the bar, wal, he eats you. DUDE (absently) Uh-huh. That some kind of Eastern thing? THE STRANGER Far from it. DUDE Mm. The bartender puts a brown bottle and a frosted gla** on the bar in front of The Stranger, who touches his hat brim. THE STRANGER Much obliged. He looks back at the Dude. THE STRANGER I like your style, Dude. THE DUDE LOOKS UP, ABSENTLY: DUDE Well I like your style too, man. Got a whole cowboy thing goin'. THE STRANGER Thankie. . . Just one thing, Dude. D'ya have to use s'many cuss words? The Dude looks at The Stranger as if just now noticing how out of place the cowpoke is. DUDE The f** are you talking about? The Stranger chuckles indulgently and pushes off from the bar. THE STRANGER Okay, have it your way. He brushes his hat brim with a fingertip. THE STRANGER Take it easy, Dude. DUDE Yeah. Thanks man. He is gone. "Tumbling Tumbleweeds" is ending as we hear an offscreen voice, breaking the spell: VOICE Dude! Dude! THE DUDE LOOKS: Tony, the unformed limo driver, is at the door of the bar, beckoning. MAUDE'S LOFT She strides toward us, naked under a robe which she is just cinching shut. Paint flecks her skin. MAUDE Jeffrey, you haven't gone to the doctor. DUDE No it's fine, really, uh-- MAUDE Do you have any news regarding my father's money? DUDE I, uh... money, yeah, I gotta respecfully, 69 you know, tender my resignation on that matter, 'cause it looks like your mother really was kidnapped after all. MAUDE She most certainly was not! DUDE Hey man, why don't you f**ing listen occasionally? You might learn something. Now I got-- MAUDE And please don't call her my mother. DUDE Now I got-- MAUDE She is most definitely the perpetrator and not the victim. DUDE I'm telling you, I got definitive evidence-- MAUDE From who? DUDE The main guy, Dieter-- MAUDE Dieter Hauff? DUDE Well--yeah, I guess-- MAUDE Her "co-star" in the beaver picture? DUDE Beaver? You mean vagina?--I mean, you know him? MAUDE Dieter has been on the fringes of-- well, of everything in L.A., for about twenty years. Look at my LP's. Under 'Autobahn.' The Dude fingers through the albums filling one bookshelf. MAUDE That was his group--they released one album in the mid-seventies. The Dude stops between two albums. DUDE Roy Orbison. . . Pink Floyd. MAUDE Huh? Autobahn. A-u-t-o. Their music is a sort of--ugh--techno-pop. The Dude pulls out an album with a worn sleeve. On it is the group's name, Autobahn, the album name, Nagelbett, and a picture OF THREE YOUNG GERMANS, THEIR FOREHEADS LOOMING BELOW SLICKED- back hair, gazing upward in thin-lipped epiphany. They are wearing severe but modishly retro suits. Each has his name under his picture--Dieter, Kieffer; and Franz. A bed of nails is the only set dressing on the cyc. DUDE Jeez. I miss vinyl. MAUDE Is he pretending to be the abductor? DUDE Well...yeah-- MAUDE Look, Jeffrey, you don't really kidnap someone that you're acquainted with. You can't get away with it if the hostage knows who you are. DUDE Well yeah...I know that. MAUDE So Dieter has the money? DUDE Well, no, not exactly. It's a complicated case, Maude. Lotta ins. Lotta outs. And a lotta strands to keep in my head, man. Lotta strands in old Duder's-- MAUDE Do you still have that doctor's number? DUDE Huh? No, really, I don't even have the bruise any more, I-- She is scribbling. MAUDE Please Jeffrey. I don't want to be responsible for any delayed after- effects. DUDE Delayed after-eff-- MAUDE I want you to see him immediately. She is picking up a telephone. MAUDE I'll see if he's available. He's a good man, and thorough. CLOSE SHOT THE DUDE His eyes are closed, a headset on, his shirt off. Leaking tinnily through the headset we hear the opening bars of "Comin' Up Around the Bend." Behind him, cropped so that we see only a little of his torso, a white-smocked figure taps at the Dude's back. After a moment the figure circles to one side, out of frame. His hand reaches in to pull one arm of the headset away from the Dude's ear, and as he does so the music issues more strongly. VOICE Could you slide your shorts down please, Mr. Lebowski? The Dude's eyes open. DUDE Huh? No, she, she hit me right here. VOICE I understand sir. Could you slide your shorts down please? DUDE'S CAR The Dude is driving home. A Creedence tape plays. The Dude is s**ing down a joint. He glances at the rear-view mirror-- and, noticing something, looks again. HIS POV A Volkswagon bug is following, a lone fat man driving. THE DUDE His eyes still on the mirror, he absently takes the joint between thumb and forefinger of his right hand and flicks it out the driver's window--except that the window is not open. The bu*t bounces off the gla** and around the car, showering sparks. DUDE'S CROTCH The glowing bu*t rolls down the car seat between his legs. The Dude screams. THE STREET The car careens wildly as the surrounding traffic veers off to, make way, horns blaring. The car finally spins and comes to rest with its pa**enger side wrapped into a telephone poll. INSIDE THE CAR The Dude frantically grabs at his door, which won't open, and then slides over to push at the pa**enger door, which also won't open. DUDE f** Me. But he is sitting on the pa**enger side now, away from the lit bu*t. He looks around for it. Smoke is wisping up from between the Driver's seat cushion and back cushion. DUDE f**ola, man. He takes his beer and pours it in between the cushions. There is a hissing sound. But there is a piece of paper sticking out from between the cushions. The Dude pulls it out. It is lined spiral notebook paper, slightly singed and dripping beer, covered with handwriting. In the upper right- hand corner is the name Lawrence Sellers, and under that, Mrs. Jamtoss 5th Period. The theme is titled "The Louisiana Purchase." In red ink is a large circled D and some handwritten marginal comments; misspelled words are circled in red throughout. CRANE JACKSON'S FOUNTAIN STREET THEATER We are behind Walter, the Dude, and Donny, facing the stage in the background where Allan, the Dude's balding landlord, is performing a dance moderne. As Walter talks to the Dude he leans in to him, his voice hushed, so as not to disturb the rest of the very sparse audience. WALTER He lives in North Hollywood on Radford, near the In-and-Out Burger-- DUDE The In-and-Out Burger is on Camrose. WALTER Near the In-and-Out Burger-- DONNY Those are good burgers, Walter. WALTER Shut the f** up, Donny. This kid is in the ninth grade, Dude, and his father is--are you ready for this?-- Arthur Digby Sellers. DUDE Who the f** is that? WALTER Huh? DUDE Who the f** is Arthur Digby Sellers? WALTER Who the f--have you ever heard of a little show called Branded, Dude? DUDE Yeah. WALTER All but one man died? There at Bitter Creek? DUDE Yeah yeah, I know the f**ing show Walter, so what? WALTER f**ing Arthur Digby Sellers wrote 156 episodes, Dude. DUDE Uh-huh. WALTER The bulk of the series. DUDE Uh-huh. WALTER Not exactly a lightweight. DUDE No. WALTER And yet his son is a f**ing dunce. DUDE Uh. WALTER Yeah, go figure. Well we'll go out there after the, uh, the. He waves a hand vaguely toward the stage. WALTER What have you. We'll, uh-- DONNY We'll be near the In-and-Out Burger. WALTER Shut the f** up, Donny. We'll, uh, brace the kid--he'll be a pushover. We'll get that f**ing money, if he hasn't spent it already. Million f**ing clams. And yes, we'll be near the, uh--some burgers, some beers, a few laughs. Our f**ing troubles are over, Dude. RESIDENTIAL AREA The Dude and Walter are pulling up in front of a dilapidated house sitting on a scrubby lot. Parked incongruously in front of the house is a brand new red Corvette. DUDE f** me, man! That kid's already spent all the money! WALTER Hardly Dude, a new 'vette? The kid's still got, oh, 96 to 97 thousand, depending on the options. Wait in the car, Donny. THE FRONT DOOR Walter rings the bell. It is opened by a matronly Spanish woman. WOMAN Jace? WALTER Hello, Pilar? My name is Walter Sobchak, we spoke on the phone, this is my a**ociate Jeffrey Lebowski. WOMAN Jace. WALTER May we uh, we wanted to talk about little Larry. May we come in? WOMAN Jace. They enter a dim living room and stand, looking about, as Pilar CALLS UP THE STAIRS: PILAR Larry! Sweetie! Dat mang is here! There is a rhythmic compressor sound; Walter places it and nudges the Dude. At the other end of the living room a man lies on something that looks like a hospital gurney with its midsection enclosed by a motorized stainless-steel bubble. It is an iron lung, artificially breathing with distinct hisses in and out. WALTER That's him, Dude. VIVA VOCE And a good day to you, sir. PILAR See down, please. WALTER Thank you, ma'am. He and the Dude sit on a sagging green sofa. In a lowered voice, to Pilar: WALTER Does he, uh. . . Is he still writing? PILAR No, no. He has healt' problems. WALTER Uh-huh. HE BELLOWS ACROSS THE ROOM: WALTER I just want to say, sir, that we're both enormous--on a personal level, Branded, especially the early episodes, has been a source of, uh, inspir--- There are footsteps on the stairs. Larry, a fifteen-year- old, looks at the two men. PILAR See down, Sweetie. These are the policeman-- WALTER No ma'am, I didn't mean to give the impression that we're police exactly. We're hoping that it will not be necessary to call the police. He adopts his command voice in turning to Larry: WALTER But that is up to little Larry here. Isn't it, Larry? Walter pops the latches on his attache case and takes out the homework, which is now in a ziploc bag. He holds it out at arm's length, displaying it to Larry. WALTER Is this your homework, Larry? Larry does not respond. WALTER Is this your homework, Larry? DUDE Look, man, did you-- WALTER Dude, please!. . . Is this your homework, Larry? DUDE Just ask him if he--ask him about the car, man! Walter is still holding out the homework. WALTER Is this yours, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry? DUDE Is the car out front yours? WALTER Is this your homework, Larry? DUDE We know it's his f**ing homework, Walter! Where's the f**ing money, you little brat? Throughout Walter has been staring at Larry with the homework extended towards him. WALTER Look, Larry. . . Have you ever heard of Vietnam? DUDE Oh, for Christ's sake, Walter! WALTER You're going to enter a world of pain, son. We know that this is your homework. We know you stole a car-- DUDE And the f**ing money! WALTER And the f**ing money. And we know that this is your homework, Larry. No answer. WALTER You're gonna KILL your FATHER, Larry!. FINALLY, IN DISGUST: WALTER Ah, this is pointless. As he shoves the homework back in the attache case: WALTER All right, Plan B. You might want to watch out the front window there, Larry. He is heading for the door. The Dude, puzzled, rises to follow him. WALTER This is what happens when you fu*k a STRANGER in the ASS, Larry. OUTSIDE Walter is striding down the lawn with his attache case like an enraged encyclopedia salesman. Without looking back at, the Dude, who follows: WALTER f**ing language problem, Dude. He pops the Dude's trunk, flings in the briefcase and takes out a tire iron. WALTER Maybe he'll understand this. He is walking over to the Corvette. WALTER YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS, LARRY! CRASH! He swings the crowbar into the windshield, which shatters. WALTER YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS?! CRASH! He takes out the driver's window. WALTER THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU fu*k A STRANGER IN THE ASS! Lights are going on in houses down the street. Distant dogs bark. WALTER HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS, LARRY! CRASH! WALTER HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS! fu*k A STRANGER IN THE ASS! CRASH! A man in a sleeveless T-shirt and boxer shorts has run over behind Walter and grabbed him from behind on a backswing of the crowbar. MAN WHAT THE fu*k JOO DOING, MANG?! He wrestles the crowbar away from the startled Walter. MAN I JUS' BAWDEEZ fu*kEEN CAR LASS WEEK! Walter cringes before the enraged Mexican. WALTER Hunh? The man looks about, wildly. MAN I KILL JOO, MANG! I--I KILL JOR fu*kEEN CAR! He runs over to the Dude's car. DUDE No! No! NO! THAT'S NOT-- CRASH! CRASH! MAN I fu*kEEN KILL JOR fu*kEEN CAR! CRASH! MAN I KILL JOR fu*kEEN CAR! INSIDE THE CAR Gla** rains in on a terrified, cringing, Donny. MAN I KILL JOR fu*kEEN CAR! ON A DEAFENING CRASH WE CUT TO: THE DUDE'S CAR We are looking into the car through the broken windshield as it rattles down the freeway. Wind whistles through the caved- in windows. The Dude drives, his jaw clenched, staring grimly out at the road. Walter, beside him, and Donny in the back seat, munch 'on In-and-Out Burgers. Creedence music plays above the bluster of wind. DUDE'S BUNGALOW As the Dude talks on the phone he is hammering a two-by-four into the floor just inside, and parallel to, the front door. DUDE I accept your apology. . . No I, I just want to handle it myself from now on. . . No. That has nothing to do with it. . . .Yes, it made it home, I'm calling from home. No, Walter, it didn't look like Larry was about to crack. He finishes hammering, rises and grabs a straightbacked chair that stands nearby. DUDE Well that's your perception. . . Well you're right, Walter, and the unspoken Message is fu*k YOU AND LEAVE ME THE fu*k ALONE. . . Yeah, I'll be at practice. He hangs up and has just finished sliding the chair into place with its top under the doorknob and its legs braced against the two-by-four, thus wedging the door closed, when the door is opened--outwards. The chair clatters to the floor. DUDE Huh? Woo and the blond man who earlier peed on the rug stride in, kicking the chair away. WOO Pin your diapers on, Lebowski. Jackie Treehorn wants to see you. BLOND MAN And we know which Lebowski you are, Lebowski. WOO Yeah. Jackie Treehorn wants to talk to the deadbeat Lebowski. BLOND MAN You're not dealing with morons here. BLACKNESS Out of the blackness something is falling toward us. It is a woman, falling in slow motion, her limbs flailing, her mouth contorted by either fear or ecstasy. She is topless. She falls past the camera, leaving blackness, then after a beat reappears, rising into the night sky. MALIBU BEACH A crowd of mostly tanned middle-aged men with blow-dried hair, wearing jogging outfits and other expensively casual attire, are blanket-tossing the squealing young woman in nightmarish slow motion. WIDER It is a party, lit by festive beach lights and standing kerosene heaters. 1960's mainstream jazz, of the Mancini- Brubeck school, has been piped down to speakers on the beach'. In long shot now the woman rises, squealing, disappears into darkness, descends into light, rises again. A man walks towards the camera through the pools of beach light. He is handsome, fiftyish, wearing cotton twill pants and a Turnbull & Asher shirt with a foulard knotted at the neck. Behind him, the woman rises and falls, appears and disappears. MAN Hello Dude, thanks for coming. I'm Jackie Treehorn. INSIDE THE BEACH HOUSE The Dude is looking around at the '60's modern decor. DUDE This is quite a pad you got here, man. Completely unspoiled. TREEHORN What's your drink, Dude? DUDE White Russian, thanks. How's the smut business, Jackie? TREEHORN I wouldn't know, Dude. I deal in publishing, entertainment, political advocacy, and-- DUDE Which one was Logjammin'? TREEHORN Regrettably, it's true, standards have fallen in adult entertainment. It's video, Dude. Now that we're competing with the amateurs, we can't afford to invest that little extra in story, production value, feeling. He taps his forehead with one finger. TREEHORN People forget that the brain is the biggest erogenous zone-- DUDE On you, maybe. He hands him the drink. TREEHORN Of course, you do get the good with the bad. The new technology permits us to do exciting things with interactive erotic software. Wave of the future, Dude. 100% electronic. DUDE Uh-huh. Well, I still jerk off manually. TREEHORN Of course you do. I can see you're anxious for me to get to the point. Well Dude, here it is. Where's Bunny? DUDE I thought you might know, man. TREEHORN Me? How would I know? The only reason she ran off was to get away from her rather sizable debt to me. DUDE But she hasn't run off, she's been-- Treehorn waves this off. TREEHORN I've heard the kidnapping story, so save it. I know you're mixed up in all this, Dude, and I don't care what you're trying to take off her husband. That's your business. All I'm saying is, I want mine. DUDE Yeah, well, right man, there are many facets to this, uh, you know, many interested parties. If I can find your money, man-- what's in it for the Dude? TREEHORN Of course, there's that to discuss. Refill? DUDE Does the Pope sh** in the woods? TREEHORN Let's say a 10% finder's fee? DUDE Okay, Jackie, done. I like the way you do business. Your money is being held by a kid named Larry Sellers. He lives in North Hollywood, on Radford, near the In-and-Out Burger. A real f**in' brat, but I'm sure your goons'll be able to get it off him, mean he's only fifteen and he's flunking social studies. So if you'll just write me a check for my ten per cent. . . of half a million. . . fifty grand. He is getting to his feet, but sways woozily. DUDE I'll go out and mingle.--Jesus, you mix a hell of a Caucasian, Jackie. The Dude shakes his head, tries to focus. TREEHORN A fifteen-year-old? Is this your idea of a joke? Jackie Treehorn's image starts to swim. He is joined on either side by Woo and the blond man, all three men looking grimly down at the Dude. DUDE No funny stuff, Jackie. . . the kid's got it. Hiya, fellas. . . kid just wanted a car. All the Dude ever wanted. . . was his rug back. . . not greedy. . . it really. He squints at Jackie Treehorn, who swims in and out of focus. Tied the room together. He tips forward, spilling his drink off the table. FROM UNDER THE GLASS COFFEE TABLE Looking up at the Dude as his face hits the gla** and squishes. FAST FADE OUT BLACK THE STRANGER'S VOICE Darkness warshed over the Dude-- darker'n a black steer's tookus on a moonless prairie night. There was no bottom. We hear a thundering ba**. SCRATCHY WHITE TITLE CARD: JACKIE TREEHORN PRESENTS ANOTHER TITLE CARD: THE DUDE AND MAUDE LEBOWSKI IN THIRD TITLE CARD: GUTTERBALLS The title logo is a suggestively upright bowling pin flanked by a pair of bowling balls. The bending ba** sound turns into the lead-in to Kenny Rogers and the First Edition's "Just Dropped In." The Dude is walking down a long corridor dressed as a cable repairman. The Dude's face is washed with a brilliant light as the corridor opens onto a gleaming bowling alley. In the center of the alley stands Maude Lebowski, singing operatic harmony to the Kenny Rogers song. She wears an armored breastplate and Norse headgear, has braided pigtails, and holds a trident. The Dude stands behind her and, pressed up against her, helps her with her follow-through as she releases a bowling ball. The lane is straddled by a line of chorines in spangly mini- skirts, their arms akimbo, Busby-Berkley style, their legs turning the lane into a tunnel leading to the pins at the end. But it is no longer a bowling ball rolling between their legs--it is the Dude himself, levitating inches off the lane, the tools from his utility belt swinging free. He is face down, his arms, torpedolike, pressed against his sides. His point of view shows the lane rushing by below, the little ball-guide arrows zipping by. The Dude twists his body around, performing a barrel-roll so that he is now gliding along the lane face-up. Now his point of view looks up the dresses of the pa**ing chorines. The Dude smiles dreamily and does a backstroke motion so that he is once again gliding face-down. He looks forward and his forward momentum blows back his hair. Coming at us, as we go through the last few pairs of legs, are the approaching pins. We hit the pins, scattering them, and rush on into black. A body drops down into the blackness in slow motion--a topless woman, squealing, her legs kicking. As she drops out of frame, leaving blackness again, three men are entering from the background, emerging into a pool of light. It is the Germans, advancing ominously, wielding oversized shears which they menacingly scissor. The Dude, now standing in a field of black, reacts to the advancing Germans. He turns and runs, fists pumping. The scissoring sound of the shears turns into the whoosh of car-bys. The field of black is punctured by headlights. The Dude is running blearily down the middle of the Pacific Coast Highway. Cars rush by on either side, horns blaring. With the BLOO-WHUP of a short siren blast, a squad car with flashing gumballs pulls up. SQUAD CAR The Dude sits in the back seat, his head lolling with the motion of the car as he blearily sings the theme of Branded: DUDE He was innocent. Not a charge was true. And they say he ran awaaaaaay. CHIEF'S OFFICE The Dude is hurled against the chief's desk, which he bounces off of, to come to rest more or less seated in a facing chair. His wallet is tossed onto the desk. The chief leans forward, takes the wallet and sorts through it with disgusted incredulity. CHIEF This is your only I.D.? He is looking at the Ralph's Shopper's Club card. DUDE I know my rights. CHIEF You don't know sh**, Lebowski. DUDE I want a f**ing lawyer, man. I want Bill Kunstler. CHIEF What are you, some kind of sad-a**ed refugee from the f**ing sixties? DUDE Uh-huh. CHIEF Mr. Treehorn tells us that he had to eject you from his garden party, that you were drunk and abusive. DUDE That guy treats women like objects, man. CHIEF Mr. Treehorn draws a lot of water in this town, Lebowski. You don't draw sh**. We got a nice quiet beach community here, and I aim to keep it nice and quiet. So let me make something plain. I don't like you s**ing around bothering our citizens, Lebowski. I don't like your jerk- off name, I don't like your jerk-off face, I don't like your jerk- off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk- off --do I make myself clear? The Dude stares. DUDE I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. The Chief hurls his steaming mug of coffee at the Dude. It hits him in the forehead with a thud, the scalding coffee splashing everywhere. The Chief is already up off his chair, rounding the desk. DUDE --Ow! f**ing fascist! The Chief slaps him twice. CHIEF Stay out of Malibu, Lebowski! He kicks the chair out from under the Dude, and then starts kicking at him. CHIEF Stay out of Malibu, deadbeat! Keep your ugly f**ing goldbricking a** out of my beach community! CAB The Dude, in the back seat of a taxicab that rocks and squeaks with every bump, is gingerly touching at sore spots on his face and scalp. "Peaceful Easy Feeling" is on the radio. DUDE'S POV The back of the driver, a large black man with rasta dreds under a knit cap. DUDE Jesus, man, can you change the station? DRIVER f** you man! You don't like my f**ing music, get your own f**ing cab! DUDE I've had a-- DRIVER I pull over and kick your a** out, man! DUDE --had a rough night, and I hate the f**ing Eagles, man-- DRIVER That's it! Outta this f**ing cab! THE STREET The cab screeches over towards the curb. Another car, oncoming, its radio blaring Metallica, speeds by. INSIDE THE OTHER CAR It is a red convertible. The driver, singing loudly and badly along with the radio, her hair blowing in the wind, a dreamy smile on her face as she speeds along, higher than a kite, is Bunny Lebowski. THE FOOTWELL On the accelerator her right foot, in an open-toed bright red high-heeled shoe, has five painted toes. When she downshifts her left foot enters to engage the clutch. Five more toes. DUDE'S BUNGALOW The Dude staggers in the open front door, one hand pressed to a lump on his forehead, and looks around. DUDE Jesus. The place is a wreck. Furniture has been overturned, upholstery slashed, drawers dumped. Quiet. The door to the bedroom starts to creak open. The Dude cringes. Maude emerges from the bedroom. She is wearing a bathrobe. MAUDE Jeffrey. DUDE Maude? She pulls open the bathrobe as she approaches. MAUDE Love me. The Dude is stupefied. DUDE That's my robe. THOOMP! ON THE EMBRACE WE CUT TO: BLACK After a beat, a long sigh, and then a voice from the blackness: MAUDE Tell me a little about yourself, Jeffrey. DUDE Well, uh. . . Not much to tell. A match is dragged across a headboard; the Dude is lighting himself a joint. He shakes the match out to restore blackness except for the glowing tip of the joint. DUDE I was, uh, one of the authors of the Port Huron Statement.--The original Port Huron Statement. MAUDE Uh-huh. DUDE Not the compromised second draft. And then I, uh. . . Ever hear of the Seattle Seven? MAUDE Mmnun. Click--the Dude turns on a bedside lamp. He and Maude lie next to each other in bed. DUDE And then. . . let's see, I uh--music business briefly. MAUDE Oh? DUDE Yeah. Roadie for Metallica. Speed of Sound Tour. MAUDE Uh-huh. DUDE Bunch of a**holes. And then, you know, little of this, little of that. My career's, uh, slowed down a bit lately. MAUDE What do you do for fun? DUDE Oh, you know, the usual. Bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback. He climbs out of bed but Maude remains in it. She wedges a pillow into the small of her back and clasps a hand on each kneecap. She pulls her knees in toward her chest to keep her pelvis raised. MAUDE What happened to your house? DUDE Jackie Treehorn trashed the place. Wanted to save the finder's fee. MAUDE Finder's fee? DUDE He thought I had your father's money, so he got me out of the way while he looked for it. MAUDE It's not my father's money, it's the Foundation's. Why did he think you had it? And who does? DUDE Larry Sellers, a high-school kid. Real f**ing brat. He picks a White Russian off the bedside table. MAUDE Jeffrey-- DUDE It's a complicated case, Maude. Lotta ins, lotta outs. Fortunately I've been adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug regimen to keep my mind, you know, limber. I'm real f**ing close to your father's money, real f**ing close. It's just-- MAUDE I keep telling you, it's the Foundation's money. Father doesn't have any. DUDE Huh? He's f**ing loaded. MAUDE No no, the wealth was all Mother's. DUDE But your father--he runs stuff, he-- MAUDE We did let Father run one of the companies, briefly, but he didn't do very well at it. DUDE But he's-- MAUDE He helps administer the charities now, and I give him a reasonable allowance. He has no money of his own. I know how he likes to present himself; Father's weakness is vanity. Hence the s*ut. DUDE Huh. Jeez. Well, so, did he--is that yoga? Throughout, Maude has been lying on her back with her knees pulled in. MAUDE It increases the chances of conception. The Dude spits some White Russian. DUDE Increases? MAUDE Well yes, what did you think this was all about? Fun and games? DUDE Well...no, of course not-- MAUDE I want a child. DUDE Yeah, okay, but see, the Dude-- MAUDE Look, Jeffrey, I don't want a partner. In fact I don't want the father to be someone I have to see socially, or who'll have any interest in rearing the child himself. DUDE Huh... Something occurs to him. DUDE So...that doctor. MAUDE Exactly. What happened to your face? Did Jackie Treehorn do that as well? The Dude is staring off into space, thinking. His answer is absent. DUDE No, the, uh, police chief of Malibu. A real reactionary. . . So your father. . . Oh man, I get it! MAUDE What? The Dude is leaving the bedroom. DUDE Yeah, my thinking about the case, man, it had become uptight. Yeah. Your father-- LIVING ROOM The Dude finishes punching a number into the phone. PHONE VOICE This is Walter Sobchak. I'm not in; leave a message after the beep. FROM THE BEDROOM: MAUDE'S VOICE What're you talking about? Beep. DUDE Walter, if you're there, pick up the f**ing phone. Pick it up, Walter, this is an emergency. I'm not-- WALTER Dude? DUDE Walter, listen, I'm at my place, I need you to come pick me up-- WALTER I can't drive, Dude, it's erev shabbas. DUDE Huh? WALTER Erev shabbas. I can't drive. I'm not even supposed to pick up the phone, unless it's an emergency. DUDE It is a f**ing emergency. WALTER I understand. That's why I picked up the phone. DUDE THEN WHY CAN'T YOU--f**, never mind, just call Donny then, and ask him to-- WALTER Dude, I'm not supposed to make calls-- DUDE WALTER, YOU fu*kING a**hole, WE GOTTA GO TO PASADENA! COME PICK ME UP OR I'M OFF THE fu*kING BOWLING TEAM! MAUDE'S VOICE Jeffrey? THE DUDE He emerges on his front stoop, pulling on a shirt. His attention is caught by something down the street. HIS POV A car is parked halfway down the block. We can see the shape of a fat man in the driver's seat. THE DUDE Striding purposefully down the street. HIS POV The fat man leans forward and we hear the sound of the car's ignition coughing, but the engine will not turn over. More whines and coughs; no start. The man hurriedly fumbles in front of him. He brings up a newspaper, which he holds before his face. THE DUDE As he gets to the car. He reaches through the open driver's window and grabs the newspaper and hurls it to the ground. He is revved with nervous energy. DUDE Get out of that f**ing car, man! The man nervously complies. The Dude flinches at the man's movement as he gets out. The man cringes, reacting to the Dude's flinch. He is wearing a cheap blue serge suit. He is bald with a short fringe and a mustache. The Dude shouts to cover his fear: DUDE Who the f** are you, man! Come on, man! MAN Relax, man! No physical harm intended! DUDE Who the f** are you? Why've you been following me? Come on, f**head! MAN Hey, relax man, I'm a brother shamus. The Dude is stunned. DUDE Brother Shamus? Like an Irish monk? MAN Irish m--What the f** are you talking about? My name's Da Fino! I'm a private snoop! Like you, man! DUDE Huh? DA FINO A dick, man! And let me tell you something: I dig your work. Playing one side against the other--in bed with everybody--fabulous stuff, man. DUDE I'm not a--ah, f** it, just stay away from my f**ing lady friend, man. DA FINO Hey hey, I'm not messing with your special lady-- DUDE She's not my special lady, she's my f**ing lady friend. I'm just helping her conceive, man! DA FINO Hey, man, I'm not-- DUDE Who're you working for? Lebowski? Jackie Treehorn? DA FINO The Gundersons. DUDE The? Who the fff-- DA FINO The Gundersons. It's a wandering daughter job. Bunny Lebowski, man. Her real name is Fawn Gunderson. Her parents want her back. He is fumbling in his wallet. DA FINO See? The Dude looks at the picture. It is probably a school portrait, unmistakably Bunny, but fresh-faced, much younger looking, with a corn-fed smile and straight Partridge Family hair and bangs. DUDE Jesus f**ing Christ. DA FINO Crazy, huh? Ran away a year ago. He is holding out another picture. The Gundersons told me to show her this when I found her. The family farm. A bleak farmhouse and silo are the only features on a flat snow-swept landscape. Outside of Moorhead, Minnesota. They think it'll make her homesick. DUDE Boy. How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm once they seen Karl Hungus. He hands back the picture. She's been kidnapped, Da Fino. Or maybe not, but she's definitely not around. DA FINO f**, man! That's terrible! DUDE Yeah, it s**s. DA FINO Well maybe you and me could pool our resources--trade information-- professional courtesy--compeers, you know-- We hear distant yapping, growing louder with the hum of an approaching car. DUDE Yeah, I get it. f** off, Da Fino. And stay away from my special la-- from my f**ing lady friend. The Dude steps out to meet Walter's car as it pulls up, its pa**enger window open and the pomeranian leaning out and yapping. DENNY'S Four people sit at a booth: Dieter, Kieffer, Franz, all in black leather, and a young woman with long stringy blonde hair, wearing torn and patched jeans and a ribbed sleeveless tee-shirt, worn thin with age. She is apparently braless, and is teutonically pale with birthmarks on her face and arms. Notable is her camera-side leg, which ends in a bandage- swaddled foot. Dried rust-colored blood stains the tip of the bandage. The four are arguing, loudly, in German. They seem very unhappy. A waitress enters with a checkpad and pen. WAITRESS You folks ready? The German shouting stops. Dieter looks sourly up. DIETER I haff lingenberry pancakes. KIEFFER Lingenberry pancakes. FRANZ Sree picks in blanket. The woman speaks to Dieter in German. He nods. DIETER Lingenberry pancakes. WALTER'S CAR Walter's eyes are on the road as he listens, driving, to the Dude, whose speech is occasionally punctuated by yaps from the back seat. DUDE I mean we totally f**ed it up, man. We f**ed up his pay-off. And got the kidnappers all pissed off, and the big Lebowski yelled at me a lot, but he didn't do anything. Huh? WALTER Well it's, sometimes the cathartic, uh. DUDE I'm saying if he knows I'm a f**- up, then why does he still leave me in charge of getting back his wife? Because he f**ing doesn't want her back, man! He's had enough! He no longer digs her! It's all a show! But then, why didn't he give a sh** about his million bucks? I mean, he knew we didn't hand off his briefcase, but he never asked for it back. WALTER What's your point, Dude? DUDE His million bucks was never in it, man! There was no money in that briefcase! He was hoping they'd k** her! You throw out a ringer for a ringer! WALTER Yeah? DUDE sh** yeah! WALTER Okay, but how does all this add up to an emergency? DUDE Huh? WALTER I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, Dude, he kept the money, but my point is, here we are, it's shabbas, the sabbath, which I'm allowed to break only if it's a matter of life and d**h-- DUDE Walter, come off it. You're not even f**ing Jewish, you're-- WALTER What the f** are you talking about? DUDE You're f**ing Polish Catholic-- WALTER What the f** are you talking about? I converted when I married Cynthia! Come on, Dude! DUDE Yeah, and you were-- WALTER You know this! DUDE And you were divorced five f**ing years ago. WALTER Yeah? What do you think happens when you get divorced? You turn in your library card? Get a new driver's license? Stop being Jewish? DUDE This driveway. AS HE TURNS: WALTER I'm as Jewish as f**ing Tevye DUDE It's just part of your whole sick Cynthia thing. Taking care of her f**ing dog. Going to her f**ing synagogue. You're living in the f**ing past. WALTER Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax-- YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I LIVE IN THE PAST! I--Jesus. What the hell happened? He is looking off as the car slows. The Dude looks where Walter is looking. THE LEBOWSKI MANSION Walter's car pulls up the drive into the foreground and he and the Dude get out. Both are gaping off at the front lawn. WALTER Jesus Christ. THEIR POV Tire treads lead across the manicured front lawn to where a little red sports car rests with its hood crumpled into a palm trunk. TRACKING DOWN THE GREAT HALLWAY Through the French doors at its far end we can see Bunny, naked, briefly bouncing on the diving board before splashing into the illuminated pool outside. Heavy metal music filters in from a boom box by the pool. Brandt, approaching, stoops and straightens, stoops and straightens, picking up the discarded clothes that run the length of the hall. BRANDT He can't see you, Dude. We pull the Dude and Walter as they approach the doors to the great study. Walter's dog follows, stiffly waving its tail. DUDE Where'd she been? BRANDT Visiting friends of hers in Palm Springs. Just picked up and left, never bothered to tell us. DUDE But I guess she told Dieter. WALTER Jesus, Dude! He never even kidnapped her. BRANDT Who's this gentleman, Dude? WALTER Who'm I? I'm a f**ing VETERAN! BRANDT You shouldn't go in there, Dude! He's very angry! BANG--the Dude and Walter push through the double doors into-- THE GREAT ROOM The big Lebowski turns at the sound of the door. His wheelchair hums as he spins it around. LEBOWSKI (bitterly) Well, she's back. No thanks to you. DUDE Where's the money, Lebowski? WALTER A MILLION BUCKS FROM fu*kING NEEDY LITTLE URBAN ACHIEVERS! YOU ARE SCUM, MAN! The dog yaps. LEBOWSKI Who the hell is he? WALTER I'll tell you who I am! I'm the guy who's gonna KICK YOUR PHONY GOLDBRICKING ASS! DUDE We know the briefcase was empty, man. We know you kept the million bucks yourself. LEBOWSKI Well, you have your story, I have mine. I say I entrusted the money to you, and you stole it. WALTER AS IF WE WOULD EVER DREAM OF TAKING YOUR BULLsh*t MONEY! DUDE You thought Bunny'd been kidnapped and you could use it as a pretext to make some money disappear. All you needed was a sap to pin it on, and you'd just met me. You thought, hey, a deadbeat, a loser, someone the square community won't give a sh** about. LEBOWSKI Well? Aren't you? DUDE Well. . . yeah. LEBOWSKI All right, get out. Both of you. WALTER Look at that f**ing phony, Dude! Pretending to be a f**ing millionaire! LEBOWSKI I said out. Now. WALTER Let me tell you something else. I've seen a lot of spinals, Dude, and this guy is a fake. A f**ing goldbricker. He is crossing to Lebowski. WALTER This guy f**ing walks. I've never been more certain of anything in my life! LEBOWSKI Stay away from me, mister! Walter reaches around from behind and hoists the big Lebowski out of the wheelchair by his armpits. WALTER Walk, you f**ing phony! The big Lebowski waggles helplessly, his rubbery feet grazing the floor like a Raggedy Ann's. The pomeranian gaily leaps and yaps. LEBOWSKI Put me down, you son of a b**h! DUDE Walter! WALTER It's all over, man! We call your f**ing bluff! DUDE WALTER, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! HE'S CRIPPLED! PUT HIM DOWN! WALTER Sure, I'll put him down, Dude. RAUSS! ACHTUNG, BABY!! He shoves the big Lebowski forward and he crumples to the floor, weeping. WALTER Oh, sh**. LEBOWSKI (sobbing) You're bullies! Cowards, both of you! Walter is abashed. The Big Lebowski flails about on the floor. WALTER Oh, sh**. DUDE He can't walk, Walter! WALTER Yeah, I can see that, Dude. LEBOWSKI You monsters! DUDE Help me put him back in his chair. Walter moves to comply. WALTER sh**, sorry man. THROUGH HIS TEARS: LEBOWSKI Stay away from me! You bullies! You and these women! You won't leave a man his f**ing balls! DUDE Walter, you f**! WALTER sh**, Dude, I didn't know. I wouldn't've done it if I knew he was a f**ing crybaby. DUDE We're sorry, man. We're really sorry. The Dude has picked up the Big Lebowski's plaid lap warmer and is frantically tucking it back in around his waist and batting the dog away. DUDE There ya go. Sorry man. Walter, puzzled, hands on hips, stands over the big Lebowski. WALTER sh**. He didn't look like a spinal. TEN PINS Scattered at the cut. DUDE AND WALTER Each with a beer at the scoring table. WALTER Sure you'll see some tank battles. But fighting in desert is very different from fighting in canopy jungle. DUDE Uh-huh. WALTER I mean 'Nam was a foot soldier's war whereas, uh, this thing should be a f**ing cakewalk. I mean I had an M16, Jacko, not an Abrams f**ing tank. Just me and Charlie, man, eyeball to eyeball. DUDE Yeah. WALTER That's f**in' combat. The man in the black pyjamas, Dude. Worthy f**in' adversary. DONNY Who's in pyjamas, Walter? WALTER Shut the f** up, Donny. Not a bunch of fig-eaters with towels on their heads tryin' to find reverse on a Soviet tank. This is not a worthy-- VOICE HEY! The Dude and Walter look. Quintana is bellowing from the lip of the lane, and is restrained by O'Brien. QUINTANA What's this "day of rest" sh**, man?! Walter looks at him innocently. QUINTANA What is this bullsh**, man? I don't f**ing care! It don't matter to Jesus! But you're not fooling me! You might fool the f**s in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus! It's bush league psych-out stuff! Laughable, man! I would've f**ed you in the a** Saturday, I'll f** you in the a** next Wednesday instead! QUINTANA He makes hip-grinding coital motions as O'Brien leads him away. QUINTANA You got a date Wednesday, man! Walter, his head co*ked, and the Dude, peeking over his shades, watch him go. WALTER He's cracking. BOWLING ALLEY PARKING LOT Donny, Walter and the Dude emerge from the alley, each holding his leatherette ball satchel. WALTER A tree of life, Dude. To all who cling to it. They react to the droning synthesizer-based technopop coming from a boom box. REVERSE Dieter, Kieffer and Franz, in shiny black leather, stand in a line facing them in the all-but-deserted lot. Behind them orange flames lick gently at the Dude's car, which has been put to the torch. The orange flames glow on the men's creaking leather. Next to the car are three motorcycles, parked in a neat row. The Dude looks sadly at the burning car. DUDE They finally did it. They k**ed my f**ing car. DIETER Vee vant zat money, Lebowski. KIEFFER Ja, uzzervize vee k** ze girl. FRANZ Ja, it seems you forgot our little deal, Lebowski. DUDE You don't have the f**ing girl, dipsh**s. We know you never did. So you've got nothin' on my Johnson. DUDE The men in black, stunned, confer amongst themselves in German. Under his breath: DONNY Are these the Nazis, Walter? Walter answers, also sotto voce, his eyes still on the three men: WALTER They're nihilists, Donny, nothing to be afraid of. The Germans stop conferring. DIETER Vee don't care. Vee still vant zat money or vee f** you up. KIEFFER Ja, vee still vant ze money. Vee sreaten you. He pulls an uzi from under his coat. It glints in the firelight. WALTER f** you. f** the three of you. DUDE Hey, cool it Walter. Walter ignores the Dude, addresses the Germans: WALTER There's no ransom if you don't have a f**ing hostage. That's what ransom is. Those are the f**ing rules. DIETER Zere ARE no ROOLZ! WALTER NO RULES! YOU CABBAGE-EATING SONS- OF- b*tchES-- KIEFFER His girlfriend gafe up her toe! She sought we'd be getting million dollars! Iss not fair! WALTER Fair! WHO'S THE fu*kING NIHILIST HERE! WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF fu*kING CRYBABIES?! DUDE Hey, cool it Walter. Listen, pal, there never was any money. The big Lebowski gave me an empty briefcase, man, so take it up with him. WALTER AND I'D LIKE MY UNDIES BACK! The Germans confer again, in German. Donny is visibly frightened. DONNY Are they gonna hurt us, Walter? WALTER 'S TONE IS GENTLE: WALTER They won't hurt us, Donny. These men are cowards. THE CONFERENCE ENDS: DIETER Okay. Vee take ze money you haf on you und vee call it eefen. WALTER f** you. The Dude is digging into his pocket. DUDE Come on, Walter, we're ending this thing cheap. Walter's eyes, burning with hatred, are locked on Dieter's. WALTER What's mine is mine. DUDE Come on, Walter!. Louder, to the Germans, as he looks in his wallet: DUDE Four dollars here! He inspects the change in his palm. DUDE Almost five! DONNY (tremulously) I got eighteen dollars, Dude. WALTER (grimly) What's mine is mine. With a ring of steel, Dieter produces a glinting saber. DIETER VEE fu*k YOU UP, MAN! VEE TAKE YOUR MONEY! WALTER (coolly) Come and get it. DIETER VEE fu*k YOU UP, MAN! WALTER Come and get it. f**ing nihilist. DIETER I fu*k YOU! I fu*k YOU! WALTER Show me what you got. Nihilist. Dipsh** with a nine-toed woman. In a rage, Dieter charges. DIETER I fu*k YOU! I fu*k YOU! WALTER hurls his leather satchel. KIEFFER Watching Dieter's charge, is caught off-guard. The bowling ball thuds into his chest and lifts him off his feet. He falls back, his uzi clattering away. WALTER twists away as Dieter reaches him; grabs Dieter's head in both hands; draws Dieter's head up to his mouth, which closes on Dieter's ear. DUDE He rushes Franz but draws up short as Franz sends out karate kicks, his leather pants squeaking and popping. Franz gives a loud cry with each kick; the Dude leans back, throwing his arms up, evading the kicks. WALTER His jaw is still clamped on Dieter's ear. Dieter draws his saber against Walter's side, drawing blood. Walter doesn't react to the wound. Growling as Dieter screams, he worries his ear, waggling his head with his jaws clamped. THE SABER Dieter drops it. DUDE Awkwardly circling, evading Franz's kicks. WALTER still worrying the ear. With a tearing sound his head and Dieter's separate. DIETER, EARLESS, SCREAMS: DIETER I fu*k YOU! YOU CANNOT HURT ME! I BELIEF IN NUSSING! Walter spits his ear into his face. DUDE The Dude and Franz, both now panting heavily, have yet to establish body contact. Franz continues to kick. FRANZ VEAKLING! WALTER draws back his fist. DIETER NUSSING! WALTER ANTI-SEMITE! Bam!--A powerhouse blow to the middle of his face drops Dieter for the count. DUDE AND FRANZ With a piercing shriek Franz finally summons the nerve to charge the Dude, hands raised to deliver karate blows. As he reaches the Dude--WHHAP--the boom box swings into frame to smash him in the face. Its volume shoots up. Walter bashes him a few more times over the head. The music screeches to static, then quiet. Laid out now, Franz too is quiet. All quiet. Walter, panting, looks around. WALTER We've got a man down, Dude. With a hand pressed to his bleeding side he trots over to Donny, who lies gasping on the ground. The Dude, also panting, rises and trots over. DUDE Hy God! They shot him, Walter! WALTER No Dude. DUDE They shot Donny! Donny gasps for air. His eyes, wide, go from the Dude to Walter. One hand still clutches his eighteen dollars. WALTER There weren't any shots. DUDE Then what's... WALTER It's a heart attack. DUDE Wha. WALTER Call the medics, Dude. DUDE Wha. . . Donny-- WALTER Hurry Dude. I'd go but I'm pumping blood. Might pa** out. The Dude runs into the lanes. Walter lays a rea**uring hand on Donny's shoulder. WALTER Rest easy, good buddy, you're doing fine. We got help choppering in. FADE OUT HOLD IN BLACK THE DUDE AND WALTER --- They sit side by side, forearms on knees, in a nondescript waiting area. Walter bounces the fingertips of one hand off those of the other. They sit. They wait. A tall thin man in a conservative black suit enters. He eyes the Dude's bowling attire and sungla**es and Walter's army surplus, but doesn't make an issue of it. MAN Hello, gentlemen. You are the bereaved? DUDE Yeah man. MAN Francis Donnelly. Pleased to meet you. DUDE Jeffrey Lebowski. WALTER Walter Sobchak. DUDE The Dude, actually. Is what, uh. DONNELLY Excuse me? DUDE Nothing. DONNELLY Yes. I understand you're taking away the remains. WALTER Yeah. DONNELLY We have the urn. He nods through a door. Another man in a black suit enters to carefully deposit a large silver urn on the desktop. DONNELLY And I a**ume this is credit card? He is vaguely handing a large leather folder across the desk to whomever wants to take it. WALTER Yeah. He takes it, opens it, puts on reading gla**es that sit halfway down his nose, and inspects the bill with his head pulled back for focus and co*ked for concentration. Silence. The Dude smiles at Donnelly. Donnelly gives back a mortician's smile. At length Walter holds the bill towards Donnelly, pointing. WALTER What's this? DONNELLY That is for the urn. WALTER Don't need it. We're scattering the ashes. DONNELLY Yes, so we were informed. However, we must of course transmit the remains to you in a receptacle. WALTER This is a hundred and eighty dollars. DONNELLY Yes sir. It is our most modestly priced receptacle. DUDE Well can we-- WALTER A hundred and eighty dollars?! DONNELLY They range up to three thousand. WALTER Yeah, but we're-- DUDE Can we just rent it from you? DONNELLY Sir, this is a mortuary, not a rental house. WALTER We're scattering the f**ing ashes! DUDE Walter-- WALTER JUST BECAUSE WE'RE BEREAVED DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE SAPS! DONNELLY Sir, please lower your voice-- DUDE Hey man, don't you have something else you could put it in? DONNELLY That is our most modestly priced receptacle. WALTER GODDAMNIT! IS THERE A RALPH'S AROUND HERE?! POINT DUME -- DAY It is a high, wind-swept bluff. Walter and the Dude walk towards the lip of the bluff. Parked in the background is one lonely car, Walter's. Walter is carrying a bright red coffee can with a blue plastic lid. When they reach the edge the two men stand awkwardly for a beat. Finally: WALTER I'll say a few words. The Dude clasps his hands in front of him. Walter clears his throat. WALTER Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was. . . He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors, and bowling, and as a surfer explored the beaches of southern California from Redondo to Calaba**os. And he was an avid bowler. And a good friend. He died--he died as so many of his generation, before his time. In your wisdom you took him, Lord. As you took so many bright flowering young men, at Khe San and Lan Doc and Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And Donny too. Donny who. . . who loved bowling. Walter clears his throat. WALTER And so, Theodore--Donald--Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your mortal remains to the bosom of. Walter is peeling the plastic lid off the coffee can. WALTER the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. AS HE SHAKES OUT THE ASHES: WALTER Goodnight, sweet prince. The wind has blown all of the ashes into the Dude, standing just to the side of and behind Walter. The Dude stands, frozen. Finished eulogizing, Walter looks back. WALTER sh**, I'm sorry Dude. He starts brushing off the Dude with his hands. WALTER Goddamn wind. Heretofore motionless, the Dude finally explodes, slapping Walter's hands away. DUDE Goddamnit Walter! You f**ing a**hole! WALTER Dude! Dude, I'm sorry! The Dude is near tears. DUDE You make everything a f**ing travesty! WALTER Dude, I'm--it was an accident! The Dude gives Walter a furious shove. DUDE What about that sh** about Vietnam! WALTER Dude, I'm sorry-- DUDE What the f** does Vietnam have to do with anything! What the f** were you talking about?! Walter for the first time is genuinely distressed, almost lost. WALTER sh** Dude, I'm sorry-- DUDE You're a f**, Walter! He gives Walter a weaker shove. Walter seems dazed, then wraps his arms around the Dude. WALTER Awww, f** it Dude. Let's go bowling. THE LANES THE DUDE AND WALTER BOWLING We watch each of them glide across the floor, release, follow through--gracefully. We have never seen them bowl before. They are quite good. Each wears a black armband on his bowling shirt. BAR AREA The Dude walks up to the bar. DUDE Two oat sodas, Gary. GARY Right. Good luck tomorrow. DUDE Thanks, man. GARY Sorry to hear about Donny. DUDE Yeah. Well, you know, sometimes you eat the bear, and, uh. "Tumbling Tumbleweeds" has come up on the jukebox, and The Stranger ambles up to the bar. THE STRANGER Howdy do, Dude. DUDE Oh, hey man, how are ya? I wondered if I'd see you again. THE STRANGER Wouldn't miss the semis. How things been goin'? DUDE Ahh, you know. Strikes and gutters, ups and downs. The Stranger's eyes crinkle merrily. THE STRANGER Sure, I gotcha. The bartender has put two gleaming beers on the counter. DUDE Thanks, Gary...Take care, man, I gotta get back. THE STRANGER Sure. Take it easy, Dude--I know that you will. THE DUDE, LEAVING, NODS: DUDE Yeah man. Well, you know, the Dude abides. Gazing after him, The Stranger drawls, savoring the words: THE STRANGER The Dude abides. He gives his head a shake of appreciation, then looks into the camera. THE STRANGER I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there, the Dude, takin' her easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes The finals. Welp, that about does her, wraps her all up. Things seem to've worked out pretty good for the Dude'n Walter, and it was a purt good story, dontcha think? Made me laugh to beat the band. Parts, anyway. Course--I didn't like seein' Donny go. But then, happen to know that there's a little Lebowski on the way. I guess that's the way the whole durned human comedy keeps perpetuatin' it-self, down through the generations, westward the wagons, across the sands a time until-- aw, look at me, I'm ramblin' again. Wal, uh hope you folks enjoyed yourselves. He brushes his hat brim with a fingertip as we begin to pull back. THE STRANGER Catch ya further on down the trail. As we pull away The Stranger swivels in to the bar. As his voice fades: THE STRANGER ...Say friend, ya got any more a that good sarsaparilla?...