Jim Howick - Matilda(s) and Stephen... and Henry lyrics

[EMPRESS MATILDA] Here's the tale of me, Matilda And my fight with cousin Stephen to succeed Henry first's throne. [STEPHEN OF BLOIS] My wife's also called Matilda [MATILDA OF BOULOGNE] Quite confusing 'cause we choose to claim Matilda's throne as our own. [HENRY PLANTAGENET] I'm Henry, that Matilda's son [STEPHEN OF BLOIS] You got that? Here's the story of our spat. [EMPRESS MATILDA] Starts in 1135, when King Henry, my father, died And I think you'll find named me, Matilda, as his heir But his nephew, Stephen, said [STEPHEN OF BLOIS] "That crown should be upon my head! I'm a man and men come first. What? It's only fair." [EMPRESS MATILDA] Had married Geoffrey of Anjou, Stuck in France, not Waterloo. When Steve without a voulez vous, Took throne from me Should be dancing queen [STEPHEN OF BLOIS] Oh, stop causing such a scene! [STEPHEN OF BLOIS & EMPRESS MATILDA] Gimme, gimme crown and take a chance on me I'm heir to the throne not you! Ah-ha! [STEPHEN OF BLOIS] Think you'll get it back, Now that I'd like to see! [EMPRESS MATILDA] Oh, I do, I do, I do! Fought in Lincoln [STEPHEN OF BLOIS] She caught me [EMPRESS MATILDA] Was proclaimed first English Lady. [MATILDA OF BOULOGNE] But she made many enemies. Remember me? I'm Stephen's wife. Made royal councilors agree That she lacked femininity Took Stephen's army and besieged her [EMPRESS MATILDA] Eugh! More strife! I was trapped so faked my d**h! Hid in coffin, held my breath Escaped! [MATILDA OF BOULOGNE] You think that I'm impressed? Well, I'm not. Just look who I've got Your half brother, want to swap? Gimme, gimme hubby [ALL] And we'll fight again The winner takes it all Ah-ha! [STEPHEN OF BLOIS] In Oxford I'll besiege [EMPRESS MATILDA] And I'll escape and then, [HENRY PLANTAGENET] I'll join the battle call Age 14, I fought but lost So Uncle Stephen stayed as boss Who should be ruler, mamma? [EMPRESS MATILDA] Mia! [ALL] Here we go again. [STEPHEN OF BLOIS] Sadly my darling Matilda, Caught a fever and it k**ed her I gave up my dream to build a royal dynasty. When my son died Had no heir which was a bind [HENRY PLANTAGENET] Gimme, gimme crown 'Cause next in line it's me. [STEPHEN OF BLOIS] You can have it when I'm done. [ALL] Ah-ha! So Empress Matilda never did make queen. [EMPRESS MATILDA] The throne went to my son. [HENRY PLANTAGENET] Knowing Mum, knowing you. Everybody happy? Good!