Jim Gaffigan - Food Fast lyrics

I haven't eaten in like 40 minutes, that's weird for me American's, we love to eat You know When we're not eating, we're chewing gum We're litteraly practicing eating Yeah, I've got a big meal coming up Training for Thanksgiving Thanksgiving, that is all about overeating I mean one of the main dishes is actually called stuffing Stuffing? What names have they turned down? Cram it in? Eat 'till you can't breath? Am I the only one who doesn't feel comfertable that stuffing is cooked inside a dead animal? Shove a loaf of bread up there, ump, delicious! Kind of a humiliating way to go out for the turkey You're going to k** me? Oh it's going to get a lot worse You do not want to know My problem is that I love all of the food that's bad for you, like bacon We know you like bacon Fried chicken, have you ever put a peice of fried chicken on a napkin, and you come back and the napkin has turned into liquid Fried chicken can't be good for you, really I mean one of the serving sizes is bucket Bucket? Isin't that how we feed farm animals? Yeah, I'll have a bucket of fried chicken, a silo of Pepsi, and a trough of pig slop Make the pig slop diet Speaking of pig slop, have you tried one of those KFC bowls? It's like KFC as a corperation decided " You know all our crap just tastes the same, why don't we just throw it in a bowl?" And I'll tell you, it's delicious There's a layer of mashed potatoes, a layer of corn, a layer of cigarette bu*ts, a couple apple cores It's like Charlotte's Web Where's Templeton? Popeyes is my favorite fried chicken I love Popeyes I love that name Oh I get it, Popeye was a sailor and your food goes through me like a torpedo, that makes sense Popeye ate spinach and now i have Dysentery Popeye had muscles and I can't stand up Maybe they aren't talking about the cartoon character Popeye, maybe they're talking about what happens to your eyes after you eat the food I've got to go to the bathroom I eat the fast food, I do It's amazing how your attitude on fast food changes When you're a kid, it's your favorite place As an adult you look at fast food like someone you used to date I can't beleive I ever went there Then the next night... Well it's late, and I'm drunk so We're all so embara**ed to eat fast food Do you ever go in and everybody's seating by themsleves, hunched over, wearing a ski mask Don't tell my wife I'm here! They know we're embarrased to eat fast food, that's why they invented the drive thru Look, no one has to see you, just drive around the back and we'll hand it out the window That drive thru is pretty convenient, right? Except for that final stretch to get your food Like, can you bring your building closer to my car? Do I have to do everything? What a pain in the a**! Why is he reaching out the pa**enger's side of the car? Those fast food places are just so fast and easy that they've ruined me for regular restauraunts Whenever I'm at a regular resteraunt I'm always like "let's see I will order the hamburger, where is it?" Sir how would you like your hamburger done? Right now, where is it? And can you wrap it in paper so I feel like I'm opening a present? Or maybe put it in a styrofoam clam shell and present it like an engagement ring? *gasps* I do Too bad all of the food in fast food places is so bad for you I love how there's the option of a milkshake Well, I shouldn't but I'm in a hurry so I'll get a burger, and fries, and to drink I'll have the large cup of meled ice cream Do you have an EKG machine back there? Most restauraunts try to set a mood You go in there and you're like " I feel like I'm in a Tuscan Villa Fast food places are brightly lit, smell like disinfectant, furnatures bolted down Where am I a mental institution? We've got to get out of here! I love the fast food