Jerome Kurtenbach - NOBODY WILL WATCH THE F*CKING TONY AWARDS WITH ME lyrics

[Rachel Bloom] [Verse 1] Who wants to watch the Tony Awards this year? [People on couch] No [Rachel Bloom] Do you wanna watch the Tony Awards this year? [Woman on couch] Absolutely not [Rachel Bloom] It's like if basketball were interesting Or the Olympics had Nathan Lane It's like the Oscars if the actors had talent It's kind of like that only so much better [spoken] What's wrong with this pizza? [Woman on couch] It's gluten free [Rachel Bloom] Bleh! You people are terrible! [Verse 2] I know we broke up, but do you wanna watch the Tonys this year? [Ex-boyfriend at door] You f**ed my brother [Rachel Bloom] Does your big-dicked brother wanna watch the Tonys this year? [spoken] Wha-? Come on, hey It's like if birthdays actually had any meaning Or your wedding was written by Stephen Sondheim It's like if your neglect hadn't driven me to your brother With a special performance by the cast of the Lion King [Verse 3] I think it's time to ask my mom [Spoken, on phone] Tonys? [Mom on phone] No [Rachel Bloom] Enjoy your nursing home I'll put a personal ad on Craigslist [Craigslist pervert at laptop] I'll do it if I can watch you shave [Rachel Bloom] I could ask my twin if I hadn't strangled her in the womb Fussy! [Megan on phone, spoken] Hey, it's Megan from high school, I just saw your Facebook post about the Tonys, I would totally love to watch it with you and catch up! [Rachel Bloom] Oh, you know what, actually the Tonys were cancelled [Megan] What, why? [Rachel Bloom] Yeah, Broadway exploded [Megan] Oh my God, what do we do? [Rachel Bloom] Yeah, there's nothing to do, bye Ugh, Megan is so weird [Ex-boyfriend] Will you get the f** out of here, Rachel? [Verse 4] Who wants to watch the Tony Awards this year? This guy wants to watch the Tony Awards this year! I love the tap! [Craigslist pervert] More shaving [Rebecca Bloom] I love the witty banter My friends may be trash And I may be a sociopath But Tonys, I'll watch you every year