Jennifer Saunders - Modern Mother and Daughter (Sketch) lyrics

INT. EDINA'S HOME -- SAFFRON'S BEDROOM Edina knocks on Saffron's door. EDINA: Saffy, it's me. Can I come in, darling? SAFFY: No, mum, I've got to do my homework. Edina opens the door. Electronic dance music plays from outside in the hall. EDINA: Oh, sweetie, honestly. What are you doing hiding up here all on your own? People are going to be here soon! What do you think of this? Humphrey bought it for me from Morocco. Oh God, you never like anything that I want to wear, darling, honestly. SAFFY: Mum, what do you look like? EDINA: I look modern, darling, you wouldn't know. Now I've poured you a spritzer downstairs, so you must come down and I'm sending out for some sushi, darling. SAFFY: (Dryly) Mmm, yum, yum yum. EDINA: Jean-Pierre and Melissa are coming over, darling. And Bettina's coming over and she's bringing her new j**elry collection that I want you to see, darling, and her son Cosomo who you adore. SAFFY: I don't adore him. EDINA: Oh darling, he's an Adonis, so come down and share a joint with us later. Oh dear. Oh dear, I'm so sorry, mention d** in front of my own daughter, I am so sorry. It's just some people choose to relax in one way, darling, and others in another, alright? SAFFY: No, the point is, mum, it makes you into a treacle-brain. EDINA: Oh God! Have you not read these Andy Warhol diaries that I bought you? You must, sweetie. They're so funny. (Shrieks) Oh, no! Oh, sh**, bugger! Oh God, darling, I promised Janey one of these for our office in the shop and they're stuck in buggery Milan. Oh bugger, bugger, bollocks, bollocks, bollocks, darling. Can I borrow this one and give it to her, sweetie? SAFFY: But it's my birthday present. EDINA: Oh, please, darling? Can I? Thank you, darling, thank you. I mean, oh God, the car's in the garage, my bloody father's dying, which couldn't come at a worse time for me, I just can't believe him! Are you happy, pushkin? SAFFY: Yes, I'm fine mum, I've just got to finish this homework. EDINA: Yes, yes, I know, I know. (Makes hushing noises.) Oh why don't you come to Greece with us this year, darling. Mum, I've already told you I really don't want to go, 'kay? Don't mum. EDINA: Is it because. Don't. EDINA: Is it because… I mean it, don't mum. EDINA: Is it because you don't want to be seen in a swimsuit? SAFFY: Mum! EDINA: I mean is it darling? Honestly. I just think you'd be a lot happier if you shed a few stone, darling. SAFFY: No, no You'd be a lot happier! I thought weight isn't supposed to matter, it's personality that matters, isn't it? EDINA: (Mouths) Oh of course. Oh God, I mean I'd pay for you sweetie. You'd go to the lovely man that does the injections. I think he does Fergie, I don't know, but it must be safe, sweetie. Just a few little injections darling wouldn't hurt oh come on. You've got beautiful hair. Ought to have a perm or something. And you've got a lovely face, everyone says what a lovely face you've got, darling. We could go to health farm couldn't we, darling, for a week or something. Oh let's go to Champney's for a week and be devils, come on darling, please! Saffy ignores Edina. Edina dances about next to Saffy. EDINA (CONT'D): (Singing) Right on time! Right on time! Sweetie, right on time! Sweetie, right on time! (Shouting) Is that my Rolex you're wearing? SAFFY: What? EDINA: Is that my Rolex you're wearing? SAFFY: Yes, you said I could borrow it. EDINA: I did not say you could borrow it. That's mine, that is, that's mine! It's very expensive and I never said you could borrow it. (Huffs) I've been looking for that. I think we should get a help, don't you? Veronica says we should go a Philipino because they work like buggers and cost flap-all. SAFFY: (Exasperatedly) Mum! EDINA: Don't look at me with your father's eyes. It is possible to be a socialist and have staff you know, darling. Have you seen the ba*tard recently, hmm? SAFFY: Are you referring to Dad? EDINA: Oh, "Dad", "Dad", give him a little title to justify his puny existence, why don't you? "Dad"? SAFFY: Yes I saw him yesterday. EDINA: Well I don't know why you just don't bloody live with the bloody prick full time since you seem to love him so bloody much. No one ever cares what I think about. You never think of my feelings, darling. Well bugger-bugger-bollocks to all of you. SAFFY: Mum, could you please stop swearing? It's not clever, it's not funny, and no one is the slightest bit impressed. EDINA: (Pouting) I'm sorry, sweetie. Oh, Adriana needs a cuddle. SAFFY: Well hard luck. EDINA: b**h! Look, I'm just trying to talk to you darling. SAFFY: Alright! Talk! EDINA: Come, here, pushkin. SAFFY: No I can talk from here. EDINA: Come sit here, pushkin. Here, here, here. Near Adriana, here. Darling. SAFFY: Don't touch me. EDINA: Oh, sweetie. It's about university, darling. SAFFY: What? EDINA: Well do you have to go? SAFFY: Yes, I do. EDINA: Oh, God. Well do you have to do physics? Couldn't you do just one little art subject. Then you can come and help me in the shop, sweetie. I mean what am I supposed to do at parties? Take you round, saying, here's my daughter, the bloody old scientist, and let's talk about chemicals and test tubes all evening? I don't want a fat old dowdy spinster for a daughter, darling. Nobody's gonna want you. SAFFY: Are you quite finished? EDINA: Where is you're going, darling? SAFFY: Aberdeen. EDINA: Aber-bloody-deen? I don't know anybody in Aber-bloody-deen, darling! What am I going to do? Hmm? What am I going to do without you here? You're the only person who knows how to find the coffee in the morning, I'm hopeless at that you know that sweetie, I mean honestly, it's just too bloody awful, I'm never gonna cope. (Sniffs) SAFFY: Mum, stop getting yourself into such a state! You've got loads of friends here who'll look after you. Why can't you be happy I'm going to university like everybody else's mother? (Sighs) Look, if you can't cope after a few months I'll come back and look after you. EDINA: Would you sweetie? SAFFY: (Sighing.) Yes I would. EDINA: Oh darling thank you, darling. (Smooches). You will come down later, won't you, treasure? SAFFY: Yes. EDINA: Thank you, thank you for this as well. Oh darling, darling. If you come down and there's food out, would you not eat anything I told everyone you're on a diet? Just don't, thank you. Smooches. SAFFY: Mum. EDINA: Yes, darling? SAFFY: Can you turn down the music, please? I'm trying to… EDINA: Yes, pushkin, yes pushkin. SAFFY: Mum, mum, mum. Come here please. EDINA: What. SAFFY: I looked in your bedside table, you've run out, haven't you? EDINA: Oh. (Giggles.) SAFFY: Is Jean-Pierre staying tonight? EDINA: Hoping, darling. SAFFY: Well I got you some more from the clinic. And use 'em this time. EDINA: Darling, I wouldn't be able to cope, would I? Thank you sweetie! (Smooches.)