Jennifer Saunders - Fashion (Transcript) lyrics

Click the roman numeral to jump to the scene: I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV TITLE SEQUENCE INT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK HOME -- BEDROOM Edina's alarm clock goes off, playing electronic music. EDINA: Oh! Edina turns off the alarm. SAFFRON: (yelling from off screen) Thank you! Edina blows a raspberry. She begins to groan. EDINA: Panic attack, panic attack, panic attack! Edina guzzles wine from the nightstand. Footsteps approach in the hall and Edina rustles to hide the bottle beneath her duvet. SAFFY: It's 9:30. Your car's been waiting outside for an hour. Footsteps recede. Edina pulls back the duvet to reveal a spilled wine bottle and soiled bed linen. Edina opens the window blinds and is blinded by the light streaming in. Cut to... INT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK HOME -- KITCHEN EDINA:(Humming) Health, health, health, darling! Edina opens the refrigerator and coughs. SAFFY: Washing machine. EDINA: That's absolutely right, sweetie. SAFFY: Feeling great I expect this morning, are you? EDINA: Fabulous, darling. Edina points to the bottles on the kitchen table. EDINA (CONT'D): Patsy can put it away can't she, sweetie? Oh God! Stop looking at me like that, sweetie! What do I have to do to convince you I've given up drinking? I had one bloody drink, sweetie! Are you accusing me of something? SAFFY: Have you looked in the mirror this morning? Your eye bags are ruched. EDINA: What are you eating there? SAFFY: Toast. EDINA: What is that on that toast? SAFFY: It's honey, Mother. EDINA: Honey? That's not honey, that's my bloody royal jelly moisturiser, sweetie. Oh, God, you are eating £300 worth of royal jelly, darling. It's been hand-squished out of a bee's backside. And not any old bloody bee, but the bloody Gucci of bees, darling. This is the stuff...Jackie Stallone would k** for this, darling. Edina scrapes the moisturiser off the toast. EDINA (CONT'D): That's better. Make me a cup of coffee, darling. SAFFY: You know where it is, make it yourself. EDINA: I don't know where it bloody is, do I? SAFFY: Please don't swear. EDINA: Sweetie, make mum a cup of coffee. You're so clever and you know where everything is darling, don't you? I think it's marvellous the way you know where everything is. You're marvellous. SAFFY: Flattery won't turn me into your servant. The coffee is in front of you. Pick up a spoon, put coffee in cup, pour on boiling water. EDINA: Yes, Yes. Scald hands, get third-degree burns, scream in agony Do you really want that on your conscience this morning? SAFFY: Alright EDINA: Thank you, sweetheart. No, not instant, darling, not instant. Grind some beans, for God's sake. Instant coffee is just old beans that have been cremated. I don't want them. I want them entire with life force today. Saffy pours the beans into the grinder. EDINA (CONT'D) Could you not pull that face while you grind? I don't really want to drink a cup full of your anger. Anyway, I shouldn't be drinking coffee. I shouldn't be bloody drinking coffee I don't want any coffee, throw it away. I don't want any bloody coffee! I just wanted some fennel twig tea or something. (Gasping) Look at the time, sweetie, I should be in the office! Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie! Tell them my car hasn't arrived, there's traffic door-to- door and I'm not well! I'm not well! SAFFY: Hello? My mother's sitting here in her dressing gown ... EDINA: It's just me, darling. I know, "dressing gown", she knows nothing about fashion. Now listen, sweetie. I'm literally out of the door when my bloody car turns up, and I'm managing to keep a lid on things this end alright? I know you can manage that end, Bubble darling, alright? I'm chanting as we speak. Bye-bye, darling. (Edina replaces phone's antennae.) You're not a Buddhist, darling, you wouldn't understand about that. SAFFY: Mum, you did it for a week, which admittedly for you is a record. EDINA: It's not a fad, darling. It's not like crystals. Edina starts chanting gibberish. SAFFY: Please, stop it! EDINA: Sweetie, you wouldn't say that if you knew how much we owe to my chanting, darling. This house wouldn't be here, darling. I chanted for this gorgeous house! I chanted to be successful and believe in myself. (chanting) Please let me make some more money so I can buy Saffron books and a car. Ding, ding, ding, ding! In Buddhist obviously, not in English, when I do it properly. SAFFY: What is it, some sort of cosmic cash machine? EDINA: Oh God! Could you try not being so cynical today? Today I need just a little bit of bloody support. SAFFY: Why is today such a panic, anyway? It's only a fashion show and you've had six months to prepare it. Why is everything always so hysterical? All you've got to do is play a bit of music, turn on the lights, get some people who have thrown up everything they've ever eaten and send them down a catwalk. Greater feats have been achieved in less time and with less fuss. EDINA: Not quite with it, darling, are you? SAFFY: Major motion pictures are made, huge concerts are put on in stadiums I mean for God's sake, 500,000 troops were mobilised in the Gulf, a war fought and won in less time, and without everyone involved having a nervous breakdown and being sent flowers. It cannot be that difficult. EDINA: Darling, every troop didn't have to contain Yasmin Le Bon. The generals didn't require "big hugs" after every manoeuvre, and the whole operation did not have to be coordinated to rap and Japanese avant-garde pipe music. Because you know, darling, I think if it had, the outcome might have been rather different, don't you? Hmm ??? Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go and get dressed. Forgot to ring Chukhani. He was going to channel a colour for me today. Edina frantically dials numbers on the phone. EDINA (CONT'D): Chukhani, it's Edina. Green. Thank you, darling. Don't look at me like that. There's more to it. SAFFY: Of course, there is. The bill. EDINA: Sweetie, sweetie. He doesn't just choose the colour; listen, cause you might learn something now. He doesn't just choose the colour himself, darling. It is related to who I was in a previous existence. SAFFY: And who was it you were in a previous life? I suppose you were the Elizabeth Taylor of the Ming dynasty? EDINA: Well close, yes. SAFFY: So how come you've ended up just a mad, fat, old cow? EDINA: Will you stop saying that word "fat"? Stop it, now! Stop it! I know you're only saying it to annoy me. Aren't you, darling? SAFFY: No, I'm saying it because it's true. EDINA: Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God. SAFFY:What happened, then? EDINA: Why do you have to pick on everything I do? All I want are a few little things, a few little pleasures, a few little crutches to help me get through life, darling. SAFFY: Get through? Mum, you've absolved yourself of responsibility. You live from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis. Someone does your hair, someone chooses what you wear, someone does your brain, someone tells you what to eat, and three times a week someone sticks a hose up your bum and flushes it all out of you. EDINA: It's called colonic irrigation, darling. It's not to be sniffed at. SAFFY: Why can't you just go to the toilet like normal people? EDINA: Is that what you really want me to be darling, normal? Some boring, old, normal old toilet goer? Hmmm ??? "Where's Mummy?". "She's on the toilet." "But I want to go to somewhere interesting and meet exciting people." "Well she can't take you because she's on the bloody toilet.” "Well anybody can go to the toilet,” darling, they say. SAFFY: Well they, obviously, they haven't seen you drunk . EDINA: What do you mean by that remark? Can I just say thank you, bloody thank you, so stop doing that now! Thank you so bloody much for giving me such a lot of support on this bloody important day. Darling, a lot of daughters might have offered to come with me and help, but no, not you. You've probably got something rather interesting to listen to on Radio 4 have you? Or some new exhibit of test tubes at the Science Museum to go and see. It doesn't matter, I'll just go on my own. There's a little party afterwards,you know darling, but i'll probably just go on my own to that as well, shall I? Edina pouts behind Saffy's back. SAFFY: No. EDINA: Oh come on, darling. Sweetheart. SAFFY: It's your drama, you act in it. I won't be your accessory. "What should I wear the daughter with the Dior?” “Oh look at Edina isn't she marvellous and she's got a family, I don't know how she does it. How clever!" EDINA: Time of the month, darling? SAFFY: No. EDINA: Just thought you looked as if you were retaining a little water down here, that's all. Darling, if you want to lose weight sweetie I've got some marvellous pills upstairs darling. You just pee it out overnight. Alright. You're not seeing your father tonight are you darling? SAFFY: No. EDINA: Good. SAFFY: Go and get dressed. EDINA: Darling. Darling, look at Mummy. Look at Mummy, sweetie. Do I need surgery, darling? SAFFY: Yes. EDINA: Alright. SAFFY: Get your mouth sewn up. EDINA: I'm still here, darling. I heard that. Edina walks up the basement stairs toward the ground floor. Cut to... INT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK HOME -- RECEPTION AREA EDINA: Yes, well I pay you to interpret my dreams, so can't you at least find a hidden depth? Well, I'm not willing to believe I'm simply that obvious. And if you're a bloody psychic psychologist, how come I'm always having to call you? Oh just stuff it! Saffy darling, I'm off, but I won't see you later, because you don't love me enough darling. Lacroix, sweetie! It's alright, isn't it? It's a bit tight maybe, but it's alright, isn't it? You know, people will think, "Wow, it's a Lacroix!" OK? I just can't find anything to go with it that's all. SAFFY: Maybe I can throw up on something for you? Oh I see, someone already has. EDINA: Jean Muir. Bloody door! It will be my car. Sweetie, it will be my car. PATSY: Darling. EDINA: Pats, darling. PATSY: Sweetie, your car's here. I thought I might scrounge a coffee. EDINA: Well darling, I can't I'm in a dreadful rush, I can't. Saff is here, though, alright? PATSY: What are you wearing, Eddy? EDINA: Lacroix. PATSY: It's fabulous. EDINA: Good, thank you. SAFFY: Patsy could go with you, Mother. EDINA: Yes, Pats, why don't you come with me in the car? We'll talk in the car. Alright, darling? Bye-bye, sweetie, darling bye bye. Have a little haircut, have a little bob. SAFFY: Don't be... EDINA: What darling? SAFFY: Don't be late. (Closes door.) EDINA: Alright, sweetie. SAFFY: Or drunk. The next scene is outside in the street outside Edina's car. Cut to... INT. EDINA'S CAR SERVICE EDINA: Darling, stop me drinking today. Saff has threatened to leave home again. PATSY: Darling, you don't drink. EDINA: Look i know I'm not a drinker, but you know what she's like, I mean. PATSY: A pig. EDINA: God, I must ring in and tell them I'm coming. PATSY: What will you drink if you stop drinking? EDINA: I shall drink water. It's a mixer, Patsy. We have it with whisky. You know what it's like. You've given up drinking before. PATSY: Worst eight hours of my life. EDINA: (Edina talking on the phone) Right, it's me. I'm on my way in. Everything's completely under control this end, how is it with you? Lights, models, guest list? Just do your best, darling. I'm rushing. Bye. PATSY: Are you going straight to the office? EDINA: Yes. PATSY: Past Harvey Nich's? EDINA: No, Pats. PATSY: Could we? Well, it is nearly lunch-time. EDINA: 10:30, Patsy. PATSY: Hmm?? EDINA: Well look we can do Harvey Nichols quickly and then we'll pick up some lunch and just take it into the office. I think it would look better. PATSY: Whatever. But darling remember it's your company. You're the boss, you can do what you want. Don't let them pressure you. EDINA: I'll just ring and tell them. Shall I? PATSY: You'll k** yourself the way you go on. EDINA: Yes, i'll ring them later. Darling, you will come to the show tonight, won't you? Saffy's refused you know and I need just a little bit of support. PATSY: Well, of course you do and of course I will. EDINA: Deserted by son and daughter. PATSY: Where is Serge? Where is Serge? EDINA: Potholing with his university, I don't want to talk about it. PATSY: I sometimes wonder what the point of having children is if they're not going to turn up to your launches? Did you tell them how important it was for you darling? EDINA: Did I tell them? I faxed the bloody dean, the bollocky halls of residence and the buggery mountain rescue. What more can I do? PATSY: Nothing, and you shouldn't have to. I mean, look at you. You've been a fantastic mother. You've let them ruin your figure.Your stomach's stretched beyond recognition, you've got tits down to your knees, and what for, for godsake? For a potholer who's worn nothing but a purple nylon tracksuit and a Gazza t-shirt for the past two years. Cut the cord, darling. Left here if we're going to Harvey Nich's. EDINA: Left! PATSY: We're going to Sanford's for lunch and then we're going shopping. (Patsy removes a pregnancy test from her purse.) Eddy, can I borrow your phone? Thanks. EXT. EDINA'S PR OFFICE EDINA: All right. I'm glad you're with me Pats, because otherwise I wouldn't use that car. II wouldn't use that huge car pouring out petrol fumes and pollution like that, but you know there were three people in that car. Three people in that car! PATSY: Oh shut up, Eddy. No one can hear you. EDINA: (Dialing her phone) Darling, it's me. I'm coming into the office now. I'm coming through the door. right i'm here, darling. INT. EDINA'S PR OFFICE EDINA (CONT'D): Don't panic, don't panic, I'm here. Right, Bubble. Let's get things moving. Sweetie, darling, I'm sorry i'm so late. BUBBLE: I think everything's just about done. PATSY: I told you things would manage without you, darling. EDINA: Right. Now, Bubble, did all the models turn up? BUBBLE: Yeah every single one. EDINA: Good, good. BUBBLE: Except one. EDINA: Except one? You're not going to tell me it's Yasmin Le Bon, darling? BUBBLE: No. EDINA: Thank God! BUBBLE: No, sorry, yeah. Yasmin Le Bon is ill. EDINA: Oh my buggery bollocks. Why the bloody hell didn't you tell me earlier? BUBBLE: Well, her husband's just phoned and said "Simon Le Bon", which I thought was really amusing. EDINA: Amusing, darling? Yeah. BUBBLE: Very modern of him to take his wife's name. EDINA: Bubble, sweetie. BUBBLE: I phoned round and I think I may have found a replacement. EDINA : Good, good. Who? BUBBLE: Betty Boo. EDINA: sh**. BUBBLE: Some of the designers aren't happy, but I said you'd speak to them. EDINA: This is all your fault, Patsy. PATSY: It's all fixable. EDINA: Yes, you're right. Come on, how is the celebrity and VIP list looking? BUBBLE: Good, I think. But you know me, I don't know anybody. EDINA: Come on, darling. Come on, darling! Just tell me about Joan Collins, Stefanie Powers, Paloma Pica**o, Charlotte Rampling, Catherine Deneuve. Give me some names, darling. BUBBLE: So far? EDINA: So far. BUBBLE: So far Sinitta and Anne Robinson definite. We're still chasing Anneka Rice. Gave up on Norma Major. EDINA: Just get me my phone book now, would you darling? Get me my phone book. I mean Princess Di has to have somebody to sit next to. You don't get Princess Di... BUBBLE: Anne, Anne. Princess Anne. EDINA: As well as is it darling? BUBBLE: Instead of. Only. Possibly with daughter. EDINA: Why, why? BUBBLE: There was a bit of a mix-up. I didn't make the call, but she's very game and a really nice person. EDINA: I wouldn't care if she was Mother bloody Teresa! It doesn't matter for our purposes. What we need is a princess with a press following and a designer dress on her back! PATSY: Not someone who looks like she runs up her own. BUBBLE: Well her people were a bit cagey about which designer she favoured. PATSY: The only label she wears is "drip dry". EDINA: Come on, come on, come on, darling! Let's take stock now. We've got three hours. PATSY: Darling, finish the beaujolais and walk away from it. EDINA: Shut up now, Patsy. PATSY: Right, I'm off. Are we eating? EDINA: Yes sort of. French, Italian, whatever you like. PATSY: Oh darling no one's eating that sort of food any more. But there's a fabulous new Japanese in Mayfair. Everything is raw. Anything which has a pulse is lunch. EDINA: Alright, darling, whatever, whatever. BUBBLE: The magazine called for you, Patsy. They need some decisions about this month's cover. PATSY: Oh really! Whatever can they need to know? I mean it's the same every month, a model in make-up with a vacant look on her face. Well I might drop in on the way home. See you later Eddy, I'll leave the bottle. EDINA: No don't leave the bottle, Patsy. I need a clear head for the next three hours darling. PATSY: Do you want some coke? EDINA: No, sweetie no. No, shh! PATSY: Save it 'till later. Good luck, darling. Have you got something I can pee into? I want to do another test before I go. EDINA: Bloody hell, Patsy! Wash it this time, will you? Anyway,darling who was it you were with last night? PATSY: He was just a windscreen washer I picked up at the traffic lights. Buns so tight he was bouncing off the walls. EDINA: Bye, Pats. Darling, bye. PATSY: Bye-bye, sweetheart. EDINA: Bye, darling (kissing). Goodbye, sweetie. PATSY: Darling, you are a fabulous, wonderful individual. EDINA: Thank you. PATSY: And remember, I've known you longer than your daughter and anything you do is alright by me. You know you're my best friend, sweetheart. Can I take your car? EDINA: Sweetie! Well, as long as it's back by six, I'm alright. PATSY: Bye, Eddy. Thanks, darling. EDINA: Right. Now, Bubble, I want a list of every PR company, every record company in the country, I want a copy of "Who's Who?" and the latest edition of Hello! Magazine. Let's get "celebritied" up! Come on! Bubble, I want four huge video screens down either side of the catwalk. I want to flash up pictures of sad, but beautiful children, happy gay couples, slogans like "World Health", "No Pollution", "Fashion Cares". Alright darling? And print up thousands of new invitations on green, totally recycled paper, and cab them around to everybody. Now, now! Now, darling. Now, sweetie! Now, now! Some time pa**es. EDINA: get on Princess Anne's people tell her that everybody there will be mentally ill. Tell her we'll sponsor her to wear a designer dress ok and make sure she realises that if she doesn't those little children won't get anything. Press release. Free champagne reception. Get on to Moet and Chandon. Tell them it's for charity. Get on to Joan Collins. Tell her it's free champagne. Look, darling. I don't want to wear this, sweetie. I want to look completely happening and unbiased. No, sweetie. just get me something from every collection. Alright darling? Come on! Come on! Leave that, darling, leave that. INT. EDINA'S FASHION SHOW -- BACKSTAGE EDINA (CONT'D): Come On! Quick, quick, quick, come on! Come on! Darling, they loved it. JONNY: No, they hated me, they hated me. EDINA: No, love, love, love. They loved it. JONNY: I hate them now, I hate them! INT. EDINA'S FASHION SHOW -- LOUNGE EDINA: Pats, it's fabulous, fabulous! A truly major fashion event is happening out there. PATSY: Well done, darling. EDINA: Thanks. Everybody's there, everybody! Big names. Chanel, Dior, Lagerfeld, Givenchy, Gaultier, darling. Names, names, names. Every rich b**h from Now York is in there. Hockwenden, Ruttenstein, Vanderbilt, Rothschild, Hookenfookenberger, Daschund, Rottweiler, sweetie. PATSY: A whole row of skeletons with Jackie O' hairdos. EDINA: Harper's, Tatler, English Vogue, American Vogue, French Vogue, bloody-Aby-bloody-ssinian Vogue, Jeff Banks and Selina Scott couldn't even get a ticket, darling. I'm going down in history Pats, as the woman that put Princess Anne in a Vivienne Westwood basque. People weren't even looking at what was happening on the catwalk. PATSY: Good job, really darling. Betty Boo and Danii Minogue did their best, but frankly... EDINA: Cheers, anyway. PATSY: Cheers. EDINA: (whispering) Pats? PATSY: Darling. EDINA: Are we keeping these two? PATSY: No, I thought we'd get a couple of different ones at the party. INT. EDINA'S PR OFFICE EDINA: If I squat down, I'll piss myself. PATSY: Let's go away, Eddy. EDINA: No, sweetie! When, darling, when? PATSY: Now. Let's go on holiday. EDINA: I can't, sweetie. I promised Saff I'd get home tonight. Don't start making me go on holiday, Pats! PATSY: Darling, you need a holiday. How long has she been around for? She's been around forever. EDINA: 16 she is, Pats. PATSY: 16 years you've had her. 16 years! Get rid of her! EDINA: I can't! PATSY: Montserrat, I want to go to Montserrat. EDINA: Look at me, Patsy. You're looking at a huge success tonight. PATSY: I know, darling, I know. EDINA: Career and all this. I've got fabulous kids who adore me. (Edina breaks into tears.) I just moved myself there, Pats. I'm sorry. What was I saying, Patsy? You were just going to tell me about their ba*tard, ba*tard bloody fathers! God, I married the two biggest sh**s in the world, didn't I? Hmmm??? Do you know I don't know why it went wrong with Justin, because we just adored each other, you know? PATSY: He's gay. EDINA: No, Patsy, that wasn't the reason, was it? Hmmm? PATSY: Oh let's go on holiday. EDINA: Stop it, stop it! Stop it now! Look, she mustn't know I've had a drink, darling. She mustn't know I've had a drink. PATSY: Darling, you're only slightly drunk. EDINA: I can't let her know I've had a drink. PATSY: Come on, sweetie. EDINA: Go on, sweetie, go on. She'll never know, will she, darling? PATSY: She's not your bloody mother! EDINA: She's not my bloody mother! (Slurring) Mother never knew, did she, Pats? Remember? Edina and Patsy share a flashback to their younger years. Cut to... EXT. EDINA'S CHILDHOOD HOME PATSY: Oh far out! Oh that's fantastic! Edina falls out of the car. EDINA: Are you going to come in? GENTLEMAN: No. EDINA: Ciao. INT. EDINA'S CHILDHOOD HOME MOTHER: Hello, Edwina dear. Good concert? Why don't you come in and tell us all about it? Your father and I are still up. EDINA: I'm very tired, actually. MOTHER: Come on, dear. Your father would love to see you. EDINA: (to herself) Where am I? MOTHER: Hi. Here she is. Where was the concert this time, dear? Eel Pie Island again, was it? And who was it? Anyone we should have heard of? The Beatles, The Stones, The Rolling Who? You look a bit dizzy, dear. Are you OK? Is that cider I can smell on your breath? EXT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK HOME PATSY: No, she's not. It's alright, darling, she's not here. She's not here, darling. Saffy appears in the doorway, looking foreboding. PATSY (CONT'D): Oh God! The pig's here. Come on, sweetie. Come on, sweetheart. Alright, darling? Alright, Eddy? Alright, sweetheart. Go, Vinny. Goodnight, Eddy, darling. Taxi drives away. EDINA: Sweetie, you didn't have to, sweetie, darling. Edina falls down. INT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK HOME -- BEDROOM EDINA (CONT'D): Sweetie, darling, Mummy's here sweetie. Mummy is Sweetie, darling, let me in. Sweetie, darling, let me in! CLOSING CREDIT SEQUENCE SAFFY: Stay still! Do you want to sleep in your clothes? Thank you. EDINA: Yes, I do. Where's my joint box? You've stolen it again. SAFFY: What do you want that for? EDINA: Where is it, darling? Oh sweetie. Help Mummy now, help Mummy. SAFFY: Do you want a gla** of water? INT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK HOME -- KITCHEN SAFFY: Oh hang on a moment. Mum, it's the Betty Ford Clinic. EDINA: What do they want? SAFFY: They say they are confirming the booking for four weeks from next Monday. EDINA: sweetie i think it's the only way. Don't you, darling? I'm going to swallow my pride and do it, if that's alright by you. You've been very good to me. Thank you darling. SAFFY : Well done! EDINA: Thank you, sweetie. Saffy walks up the basement stairs. EDINA (CONT'D): Thanks, Pats. Title song plays until fade out.