Jeff Dunham - A terrifying terrorist lyrics

Jeff: Good evening Achmed Achmed: Good evening... Infidel Jeff: So you're a Terrorist? Achmed: Yes... I am a Terrorist Jeff: What kind of Terrorist? Achmed: A terrifying... Terrorist Achmed: Are you scared? Jeff: Not really... No Achmed: Harrr... And now? Jeff: Not really, no Achmed: Huhharrr... How bout now? Jeff: No Achmed: God Dammit... Oh Oh, I I mean uh, Ala Dammit Achmed: silence! I k** you! Jeff: So uh, Achmed... Achmed: No no, it's Achmed Jeff: That's what I said... Achmed: No you said Ukned, it's Achmed huchhuch huch huch huch huch... Silence! I k** you! Jeff: How do'ya spell it? Achmed: What? Jeff: How do you spell you name? Achmed: Oh-uh... Lets see an A... C... Flem... Silence! I k** you! Jeff: So Achmed, if you're a Terrorist... I would suppose you have some sort of specialty Achmed: Yesss... I am a Suicide Bomber Jeff: Ahh... So you're finished? Achmed: What? Jeff: yo-you've done your job? Achmed: No I haven't Jeff: But you're dead Achmed: No I'm not, I feel fine! Jeff: But you're all bone Achmed: It's a flesh wound... Silence! I k** you! What the hell happened to my feet? Son of a b**h? What the hell? Oh wait a minute... What tha hell? What are you doin? Ok Stop it. Get off... What are you doing to me! Stop touching me! I k** you! Jeff: Al'right just hold on we'll fix this Achmed: ok wait what are you doing... Holy crap I'm in the air... Wait, wait, wait something is backward. Holy crap. I don't know what I'm doin. I need some ligaments Jeff: Just sit still... Achmed: ok... I wil not move my a** Walter: You idiot you don't have an a** Achmed: Is that Walter? Jeff: yea Achmed: He scares the crap out of me! Please don't put me back in the sinned suitcase Jeff: Why? Achmed: He has gas... Achmed: Sudan's Mustard gas is nothing compared to a Walter fart Walter: Ah. Hahahahahahhahahahahahhahaha Achmed: I-It's not funny... He will k** us! Jeff: Al-right... Listen uh... Achmed... I have something to tell you Achmed: What? Jeff: You-you really are dead Achmed: Are are you sure? Jeff: Yes Achmed: I just got my Flu shot Jeff: You really are dead Achmed: Wait. If I am dead... *Gasp... That means I get my 72 virgins *gasp... Are you my virgins? I hope not Jeff: Why? Achmed: There's a bunch of ugly-a** guys out there Achmed: If this is paradise... I've been screwed! Jeff: Well did they say it would only be, female, virgins? Achmed: Holy Crap! Achmed: Wait... I could have a Clay Aiken. Ahahahahahha. I told a jokech! Jeff: Al'right so listen Achmed, so where did you come from? Achmed: Your freaking suitcase. Ahahahahaha. I told another one Jeff: heh, look if you've been in my suitcase all this time... How have you been getting through security at the airports? Achmed: Oh that's easy, they open the case and I go "ello! I am Lindsay Lohan!" haha... I-I told another Jokech! I can do this crap to'ch Achmed: Ok, here's another one... 2 Jews walk in a bar Jeff: No, no Achmed: What? Jeff: no Achmed: What, you don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastitd Jeff: What I mean is I don't want racist jokes in my act Achmed: Oh-ok, how 'bout if I k** the Jews? Jeff: No Achmed: I'm kidding, I would not k** the Jews... No! I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the d**h! Ahahahhahaha! Yes-yes! I did the same thing with 2 Catholic Priests then I tossed in a small boy! Ahahahahaha. Haha yes-yes, and the winner had to fight Michael Jackson Jeff: youughhh! Achmed: Ahahahaha Jeff: Achmed Achmed: what? Jeff: Stop doing this Achmed: What? Jeff: You can't tell jokes like that Achmed: Why not? I'm k**ing so to speak Jeff: Well you can't tell jokes like that Achmed: Why? Jeff: It offends people Achmed: Oh I'm dead what do I care? What do you want me to do... Knock-knock jokesch? Jeff: That would probably be better Achmed: Ok, Knock-knock... Jeff: Whose there? Achmed: Me! I k** you Jeff: So look, as a suicide bomber have you had training? Achmed: Of course, we had the suicide bomber training camp Jeff: Ah, is that a nice facility? Achmed: It used to be Jeff: What happened? Achmed: New guy... The idiot tried to practice! Jeff: And what did you guys learn from that? Achmed: location, location, location Jeff: So you guys have any kind of motto? Achmed: Like what? Jeff: You know like, "We are looking for a few good men Achmed: Were looking for some idiots with no future Jeff: So where do you get your recruits? Achmed: The suicide Hotline. Ahahahha... That was dark was it not? Jeff: yea, so-uh what exactly happened to you? Achmed: Hah? Jeff: What happened? Achmed: Oh, if you must know. I am a horrible suicide bomber! Jeff: What happened? Achmed: I had a preimature detonation. I set the timer for 30 minutes but it went off in 4 seconds! Achmed: You know what that's like right? Mr. Hurrrriiccaanne... Walter: ahahahhahahahaha Jeff: So achmed, what exactly happened to you? Achmed: Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cellphone Jeff: yea Achmed: Can you hear me now... Cunk. At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes Jeff: That's too bad Achmed: It's ok I took that Verizon ba*tard with me Jeff: So-uh, what's it like to die? Do you see a white light? Achmed: If you're dumb enough to watch the explosion... Yes Jeff: No, I mean when some people die they see a white light. What did you see? Achmed: I saw flying car parts... Jeff: What was the last thing that went through you're mind? Achmed: My a**. Ahahahhaha. Walter told me to tell that jokech Jeff: So you never saw a white light? Achmed: No, but I saw a Blue creais. Do you really have one of those vehicles? Jeff: Yes Achmed: Ahahahhahahah! Ohh! That is not a car that's a lunch box Achmed: Did you know when you're going down the highway in a creais that if you put your hand out the window, the vehicle will turn Jeff: You did all of this for a bunch of virgins? Achmed: Are you kidding me? I'd k** you for a klondik bar Jeff: So I guess you're m**m? Achmed: I don't think so Jeff: You're not m**m? Achmed: No Jeff: Why? Achmed: Look on my Ass, It says made in China Achmed: Walter says I'm just a stinkin' Halloween decoration. Ahahhahaha Jeff: So do you like being in D. C? Achmed: I think some idiots must live there Jeff: Why? Achmed: For example, the Washington monument Jeff: Yes? Achmed: It looks nothing like the guy, it looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton. Ahhahahhaha Jeff: What do ya think of Bush? Achmed: Ohhhhhhh, I love Buhh, Oh! You mean the president? I'm sorry