Hala-X - Pendemic lyrics

[Intro: Madd Hatter] Yo It's hard out here It's hard out here for me I don't get to make choices, make decisions I'm just a pen I'm just a f**ing pen Yo [Verse 1: Madd Hatter] I spent a lot o' days in a motel, I'm talkin' holidays All defaced, get bent outta shape whenever I'm misplaced In phone books and bibles, next to digits and addresses Always rest on desktops while guests rock padded mattresses (the f**?) f**in' savages, what am I a masochist? Did some time in Minneapolis in manufactured packages Sometimes on nights of vacancy, I make believe That I can take the heat, play for keeps Anything I need to leave myself at bay While I wait impatiently 'til the room's no longer taken See no one, but outside hear someone That's fumbling with the brazen key Then blatantly he enters stumblin' toward the desk where I be Snidely grinning while extending his arm feeling to find me Then my mind “clicks on” and blinds me From the liquor beside me While he's downing gin and Hennessy Drowning in his memories Violent kind of tendencies Seems that life ain't never gave him nothin' but lemon trees These enemies, got me fiendin' for the motherf**in' end of me Wait – where's he sending me? Met this flat-chested loose leaf out by the lobby pool She's talkin' ‘bout how “college ruled.” In retrospect, I'd tell myself to not be fooled Illiterate to his intentions, blinded by her nature Had I read between the lines, I could've saved her Way before his actions pa**ed the margin of acceptable behavior It still beats me up inside the way she let him, naively Brush my tip against her surface, then penetrate deeply Virgin body polluted as he gave her my fluid Giving birth to cursed words that remain deep-rooted [Verse 2: Madd Hatter] Has it ever occurred you ain't the first person on Earth (first person on Earth) To find yourself immersed in a world full of hurt (World full of hurt) Hate to burst your bubble, you ain't have it the worst now (Nope) Clearly, you can't hear me, still, I gotta drop a verse (I gotta drop a verse) I'm more cursed for certain, see you don't know what hurtin' is Your pain is only temporary, mine's a life of permanence Wite Out's like make up, only covers the marks Underneath the scars are causin' all these horrible Thoughts and wants and needs that leave me stressed No need to question me if I seem depressed Left to guess what I must deal with next How the f** am I supposed to amount to this? In your hand, I'm a vegetable ‘cause your cowardice Keeps me locked down, confound under house arrest How I'm powerless, tightened grip of your fist flicking Inscribing as I'm guided by your writhing wrist [Verse 3] To my wife and kids By now you've probably heard the worst yet y'all managed to live Wish that I could've done the same but, yo, it is what it is So it goes, where one life ends, another begins (I'm sorry) I hate ya have to see me like this: stricken with blindness Concerned only by how inconvenient my fight is I suppose thinking suicide's a victimless crime is Kind of biased But tragic sh**'s been a reoccurring habit of mine since Those nights I'd shout for silence (shut up) Screaming in agony Holding my head, blaming my sinuses on migraines (Shut the f**, shut the f** up) Maybe my shyness is to blame for why I hide things Isolated nature, tidal wave behavior And my mind is fixed on self-inflicted violence, I'm in danger Not at my finest behavior, you could say Every day feeling more like a stranger Just know that you're in no way to blame for my condition This was all my decision to no longer be living Better than this life that all too often feels like f**in' prison Wishing it wasn't too late Pills pump through my system, I envision Madi's cute face Repetition's second victim, questioning his due date Expeditions left to piss, that lonely street that few take Oo, wait Now little Madison don't need to know what's happenin' Just say I had an accident Teach our daughter 'bout that place called heaven that her dad is in When I'm gone, don't mourn ‘cause I'll be with you in the form of whatever makes you happy Hell yeah, I'm with you even when you're feeling crappy Selfish act that I've committed, I'll admit it Sittin' thinkin' 'bout it now makes me feel wicked Stricken with shame like a victim What if others think I'm lame like a chicken? sh**, my state of mind before was packed up like a suitcase with certainty But now it's tied up like a f**ing shoelace and hurting me I think that I sh–sh-sh-shhhhhhhhh—