George Carlin - Modern Man lyrics

I am a modern man, A man for the millennium, Digital and smoke free. A diversified, multi-cultural, Post-modern deconstructionist; Politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I've been uplinked and downloaded, I've been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I'm a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art, Bi-coastal multi-tasker, And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. I'm new-wave, but I'm old school; And my inner child is outward bound. I'm a hot-wired, heat seeking, Warm-hearted cool customer; Voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database; My database is in cyberspace; So I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive, And from time to time I'm radioactive. Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, Ridin' the wave, dodgin' the bullet Pushin' the envelope. I'm on point, on task, on message, And off d**. I've got no need for coke and speed; I've got no urge to binge and purge. I'm in the moment, on the edge, Over the top, but under the radar. A high-concept, low-profile, Medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom-feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps. I'm a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk, Rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic; Out of rehab and in denial. I've got a personal trainer, A personal shopper, A personal a**istant, And a personal agenda. You can't shut me up; You can't dumb me down. Cause I'm tireless and I'm wireless. I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers. I'm a non-believer, An over-achiever; Laid-back and fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home; Low-rent, high-maintenance. I'm super-sized, long-lasting, High-definition, fast-acting, Oven-ready and built to last. A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case; Prematurely post-traumatic, And I have a love child that sends me hate-mail. But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing Primary care-giver. My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond, And my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, and I watch trash sports. I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive, User-friendly and lactose-intolerant. I like rough s**; I like tough love. I use the f-word in my email. And the software on my hard drive Is hard-core -- no soft p**n. I bought a microwave at a mini-mall. I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I'm toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear, And I come in all sizes. A fully equipped, factory-authorized Hospital-tested, clinically proven, Scientifically formulated medical miracle. I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, Pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, Post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped And vacuum-packed. And... I have an unlimited broadband capacity. I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal. Lean and mean. co*ked, locked and ready to rock; Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow; I ride with the tide, I've got glide in my stride. Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin', Jivin' and groovin', wailin' and winnin'. I don't snooze, so I don't lose. I keep the pedal to the metal And the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunchtime is crunch time. I'm hangin' in, there ain't no doubt; And I'm hangin' tough. Over and out!