Georg Kreisler - (It's Great to Lead an) Antiseptic Life lyrics

Every morning when I wake There are several precautions I take First I get into a tub Then I wash and then I scrub Then I down my negligee And I gargle and I spray And I keep my teeth clean With a can of gasoline With a hose I get rid of the last bit of grit And I spray the whole house with a gallon of Flit And when every corner is shiny and bright I know that I've done what is healthy and right It's great to lead an antiseptic life No doubt about it Found out about it Since kissing carries germs I've gotten wise And every girl I kiss, I pasteurize It's great to lead an antiseptic life There's lots I know now I take it slow now Since dirt can often get into your glands Before I take a bath I wash my hands I never take chances On parties or dances Regardless of season or clime I don't go to plays Or clubs or cafés Because people there breathe all the time It's great to lead an antiseptic life I seek protection Against infection And when I die I'll say with my last breath: "It's great to die an antiseptic d**h!" How it pained me to discover That I could not be a lover Though the girl may be as lovely as they come But when I'm filled with deep emotion I pa** girls a cleaning lotion And I scrub'em of with Super Suds and Mum I masked my frustration For the sake of sanitation And at night on my pillows I don't count sheep – I count bacillas It's great to have an antiseptic wife For every hour We take a shower And gargling is a habit that she loves Whenever we hold hands we both wear rubber gloves She uses Palmolive, Pepsodent and Lifebuoy by the score Duz does everything, but she does more She uses Listerine and Kolynos and Lux to my delight And her soul is Rinso white She serves sterilized frica**ees And deodorized cheese She broils the most hygienic steaks And when it comes to making love she's got what it takes Of course kissing is wonderful, but being germ-free is better So I won't let her!