Garfunkel And Oates - This Party Took a Turn for the Douche lyrics

We roll into the bar 'cause that's how we do Garfunkel, Oates and the rest of the crew Give a dollar to my homegirl and watch that b**h go, she Hits up the juke box and puts on Jim Croce Operator, can you help me make this call? We're laughing and talking and the drinks are flowing And I'm liking the direction this night is going But then I look up and something has changed Everyone around us looks f**ing deranged I look to my left, I look to my right Nothing but Von Dutch hats in sight With supertight abs and supertan skin I swear this ain't the club that I walked in Then the techno music starts to play And the room smells like Axe body spray I'm like Golda Mier with no gold in my ear Please tell me what the hell happened here Yo, it ain't pretty but you know it's the truth This party just took a turn for the douche For the douche, for the douche For the motherf**in' douche Thought it was a perfect party Now it's just a lot of Ed Hardy This party just took a turn for the douche I guess I can't beat em so I'm gonna join 'em Need some douche phrases and I'm gonna coin 'em Put my Bluetooth in and I'm on my way Gonna be a motherf**in' douchebag today Gonna groom my beard like a bonsai tree Wax off my chest like Mr. Miyagi Get a Chinese tat, don't know what it means But it makes me look deep to girls in their teens Don't need sleeves on my shirt, just rip 'em off And leave 'em exposed like Bernie Madoff Fake tan so brown you can call me foxy Gonna pop my collar like Limbaugh pops oxy Got more chains than Mr. T Ad I pity the f**wad who messes with me 'Cause I'm doin roids 'til my balls get teeny Like Dennis Quaid in Innerspace up inside the weenie Gettin crunk on brewskis with my broskis I'm cooler than Ice Cube wearing snow skis Sweeter than the life of Zach and Cody Higher than the voice of Truman Capote Yeah, I'll drop a G for that bottle of Goose This party just took a turn for the douche For the douche, for the douche For the motherf**in' douche Thought it was a perfect party Now it's just a lot of Ed Hardy This party just took a turn for the douche We're an army in the night like Norman Mailer And it's time to be a tool like my name is Tim Taylor I'm a VIP 'cause my table said so I'ma use some roofies 'cause the skank said no I like my hair like I like my girl's drink Spiked as f** Did my last keg stand like General Custer And I'm a**essing the damage like a claims adjuster I ain't your Daddy but I'll call you son Yeah, I get metaphysical like f**ing John Donne I'm holding up the beats like I was Lloyd Dobbler Girls are on the dance floor shakin' their cobbler I'm cool like LL, fly like Jeff Goldblum I'm gonna find the biggest ho in this room Girl's wax is Brazilian, her manicure's French Jean Nate is her signature stench She got rocks on her fingers and beneath her areolas Her garden's more savage than ch-ch-cherry colas Her heels are as clear as my intentions to bang her Hope she's birth controlled like Margaret Sanger Gonna bo*er Stabbone her, Mike Seaver her Beaver Take her gold for cash then motherf**in' leave her I ain't in love with you, cousin, I ain't George Michael Bluth This party just took a turn for the douche For the douche, for the douche For the motherf**in' douche Thought it was a perfect party Now it's just a lot of Ed Hardy This party just took a turn for the douche