Frantics - Last Will And Temperament lyrics

LAST WILL AND TEMPERAMENT Performed by the Frantics LAWYER: As executor of Mr. Muldoon's estate, I have been empowered to read Mr. Muldoon's Last Will and Testament HEDGE: Well, get on with it! The bars open soon JENNY: Oh, poor Arthur! Waah! HANK: There, there Jenny! RALSTON: How predictably boring MRS. MULROY: I never worked for a kinder man LAWYER: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading RALSTON: I knew it HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah LAWYER: I, Arthur Durham Muldoon, being of sound mind and body -- HEDGE: That's a laugh! Hah, hah, hah, hah... LAWYER: -- do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows: To my Overly emotional sister Jenny -- JENNY: Waahh! HANK: Jenny, darling, he's talking about us LAWYER: -- who grubbed with her husband Hank, grubbed for everything they Could get from me and then shed crocodile tears when I needed sympathy; to Jenny I leave... a boot to the head HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah! JENNY: A what ? (THUMP!) Ow! HANK: Jenny, are you okay? LAWYER: And another boot to her wimpy husband Hank HANK: (THUMP!) Ow! LAWYER: Ah, but still, you are my sister. You have both admired my Rolls Royce, and since I no longer need it -- JENNY: Oh, dear Arthur, he's too kind! LAWYER: -- I bequeath... another boot to the head JENNY: What? (THUMP!) Ow! HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah! LAWYER: And another one for the wimp HANK: (THUMP!) Ow! LAWYER: Next, to my alcoholic brother -- HEDGE: Hey, I don't want no boot to the head LAWYER: -- to dear Hedge, who has never worked a day in his drunken life -- HEDGE: I'm covering up my head! LAWYER: -- I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey HEDGE: Really? LAWYER: And a boot to the head HEDGE: (THUMP!) Oh! LAWYER: And another for Jenny and the wimp JENNY: (THUMP!) Uh! HANK: (THUMP!) Ow! LAWYER: Next, to my know-it-all nephew, Ralston -- RALSTON: This is so predictable LAWYER: I leave a boot to the head RALSTON: (THUMP!) Uh! I knew it LAWYER: And one for Jenny and the wimp JENNY: (THUMP!) Ow! HANK: (THUMP!) Oh! LAWYER: This takes care of family obligations. And now, to Mrs. Mulroy -- MRS. MULROY: Oh, ah, I don't want nuthin' LAWYER: -- who took care of me faithfully these many many years, who cared Made me laugh, brought me tea -- MRS. MULROY: Oh, I didn't mind LAWYER: To Mrs. Mulroy, I bequeath... a boot to the head MRS. MULROY: (THUMP!) Oh! LAWYER: And one for Jenny and the wimp JENNY: (THUMP!) Ah! HANK: (THUMP!) Oh! LAWYER: And so, to my cat Mittens, I leave my entire, vast... boot to the Head MITTENS: (THUMP!) Mroooow! LAWYER: And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave Not a boot to the head, but a rabid Tasmanian Devil TO BE PLACED IN HIS TROUSERS??? (growling...) Uhh! Huh! Huh! Huh! (panicking...) And, and, and I leave my entire estate of ten million dollars to the people of Calgary so They can afford to move somewhere decent