Flanders & Swann - A Word on My Ear lyrics

(Intro) A prisoner to rapture by arduous duty pressed A slave to the longing which lingers in my breast Farewell, my friends, adieu I cannot stay with you Farewell, farewell, farewell (Verse 1) Before I deliver my seventh encore There's something I'd like to make clear They say I've brought pleasure to millions or more They say that my singing half won the last war When I sang to the troops in the rear I'm a dame with a name At the peak of my fame I'm known as the Empress of Song The critics bravo And the critics should know But I cannot help feeling they're wrong I'm lauded, applauded, recorded, but list! I've a musical flaw that they seem to have missed That they seem to have missed That they seem to have missed (Chorus 1) I'm tone deaf Music means nothing to me It's only the way My accompanists play That makes it appear I'm in key Stone tone deaf Can't tell a key from a clef I stand by the pianist watching his face For he's told me to start when he comes to the place Where he'll give me a whacking great (*discordant crash in the piano*) in the ba** Because I'm tone deaf (Chorus 2) I'm tone deaf Never could understand pitch Some people I know Will sing sol-fa-ti-do And claim they can tell which is which Stone tone deaf Can't tell a B from an F Colin Davis once said, "Now I don't want to carp But if that's a B natural played on the harp Then you're either B-flat, dear, or bloody B-sharp!" But then I'm tone deaf (Verse 2) My technique is perfect (aah!) and likewise my larynx Paolozzi once sculpted a bust of my pharynx While lovers of music all praise with conviction My phrasing, my timbre, my perfection of diction Made trilling made Klemperer swoon (aah!) But I just can't remember the tune (Chorus 3) I'm tone deaf But in most modern works for the voice The note that I hit Doesn't matter a bit So it's purely a personal choice Stone tone deaf Musically D-E-A-F Perhaps Covent Garden can do without me But while I live on an Equity fee I'll always get work from the dear BBC Because I'm tone deaf Yes I'm tone deaf