Edith Wharton - Tales Of Men And Ghosts (Chap. 2.3) lyrics

“A CLEAR twenty-five thousand a year: that's what you can tell 'em with my compliments,” said Mr. Grew, glancing complacently across the centre-table at his boy's charming face. It struck him that Ronald's gift for looking his part in life had never so romantically expressed itself. Other young men, at such a moment, would have been red, damp, tight about the collar; but Ronald's cheek was only a shade paler, and the contrast made his dark eyes more expressive. “A clear twenty-five thousand; yes, sir—that's what I always meant you to have.” Mr. Grew leaned back, his hands thrust carelessly in his pockets, as though to divert attention from the agitation of his features. He had often pictured himself rolling out that phrase to Ronald, and now that it was actually on his lips he could not control their tremor. Ronald listened in silence, lifting a nervous hand to his slight dark moustache, as though he, too, wished to hide some involuntary betrayal of emotion. At first Mr. Grew took his silence for an expression of gratified surprise; but as it prolonged itself it became less easy to interpret. “I—see here, my boy; did you expect more? Isn't it enough?” Mr. Grew cleared his throat. “Do they expect more?” he asked nervously. He was hardly able to face the pain of inflicting a disappointment on Ronald at the very moment when he had counted on putting the final touch to his felicity. Ronald moved uneasily in his chair and his eyes wandered upward to the laurel-wreathed photograph of the pianist above his father's head. “ Is it that, Ronald? Speak out, my boy. We'll see, we'll look round—I'll manage somehow.” “No, no,” the young man interrupted, abruptly raising his hand as though to silence his father. Mr. Grew recovered his cheerfulness. “Well, what's the matter than, if she's willing?” Ronald shifted his position again, and finally rose from his seat. “Father—I—there's something I've got to tell you. I can't take your money.” Mr. Grew sat speechless a moment, staring blankly at his son; then he emitted a puzzled laugh. “My money? What are you talking about? What's this about my money? Why, it ain't mine, Ronny; it's all yours—every cent of it!” he cried. The young man met his tender look with a gaze of tragic rejection. “No, no, it's not mine—not even in the sense you mean. Not in any sense. Can't you understand my feeling so?” “Feeling so? I don't know how you're feeling. I don't know what you're talking about. Are you too proud to touch any money you haven't earned? Is that what you're trying to tell me?” “No. It's not that. You must know—” Mr. Grew flushed to the rim of his bristling whiskers. “Know? Know what? Can't you speak?” Ronald hesitated, and the two men faced each other for a long strained moment, during which Mr. Grew's congested countenance grew gradually pale again. “What's the meaning of this? Is it because you've done something ... something you're ashamed of ... ashamed to tell me?” he suddenly gasped out; and walking around the table he laid his hand on his son's shoulder. “There's nothing you can't tell me, my boy.” “It's not that. Why do you make it so hard for me?” Ronald broke out with pa**ion. “You must have known this was sure to happen sooner or later.” “Happen? What was sure to hap—?” Mr. Grew's question wavered on his lip and pa**ed into a tremulous laugh. “Is it something I've done that you don't approve of? Is it—is it the Buckle you're ashamed of, Ronald Grew?” Ronald laughed too, impatiently. “The Buckle? No, I'm not ashamed of the Buckle; not any more than you are,” he returned with a sudden bright flush. “But I'm ashamed of all I owe to it—all I owe to you—when—when—” He broke off and took a few distracted steps across the room. “You might make this easier for me,” he protested, turning back to his father. “Make what easier? I know less and less what you're driving at,” Mr. Grew groaned. Ronald's walk had once more brought him beneath the photograph on the wall. He lifted his head for a moment and looked at it; then he looked again at Mr. Grew. “Do you suppose I haven't always known?” “Known—?” “Even before you gave me those letters—after my mother's d**h—even before that, I suspected. I don't know how it began ... perhaps from little things you let drop ... you and she ... and resemblances that I couldn't help seeing ... in myself ... How on earth could you suppose I shouldn't guess? I always thought you gave me the letters as a way of telling me—” Mr. Grew rose slowly from his chair. “The letters? Dolbrowski's letters?” Ronald nodded with white lips. “You must remember giving them to me the day after the funeral.” Mr. Grew nodded back. “Of course. I wanted you to have everything your mother valued.” “Well—how could I help knowing after that?” “Knowing what?” Mr. Grew stood staring helplessly at his son. Suddenly his look caught at a clue that seemed to confront it with a deeper bewilderment. “You thought—you thought those letters ... Dolbrowski's letters ... you thought they meant ...” “Oh, it wasn't only the letters. There were so many other signs. My love of music—my—all my feelings about life ... and art... And when you gave me the letters I thought you must mean me to know.” Mr. Grew had grown quiet. His lips were firm, and his small eyes looked out steadily from their creased lids. “To know that you were Fortune Dolbrowski's son?” Ronald made a mute sign of a**ent. “I see. And what did you mean to do?” “I meant to wait till I could earn my living, and then repay you ... as far as I can ever repay you... But now that there's a chance of my marrying ... and your generosity overwhelms me ... I'm obliged to speak.” “I see,” said Mr. Grew again. He let himself down into his chair, looking steadily and not unkindly at the young man. “Sit down, Ronald. Let's talk.” Ronald made a protesting movement. “Is anything to be gained by it? You can't change me—change what I feel. The reading of those letters transformed my whole life—I was a boy till then: they made a man of me. From that moment I understood myself.” He paused, and then looked up at Mr. Grew's face. “Don't imagine I don't appreciate your kindness—your extraordinary generosity. But I can't go through life in disguise. And I want you to know that I have not won Daisy under false pretences—” Mr. Grew started up with the first expletive Ronald had ever heard on his lips. “You damned young fool, you, you haven't told her—?” Ronald raised his head quickly. “Oh, you don't know her, sir! She thinks no worse of me for knowing my secret. She is above and beyond all such conventional prejudices. She's proud of my parentage—” he straightened his slim young shoulders—”as I'm proud of it ... yes, sir, proud of it...” Mr. Grew sank back into his seat with a dry laugh. “Well, you ought to be. You come of good stock. And you're father's son, every inch of you!” He laughed again, as though the humor of the situation grew on him with its closer contemplation. “Yes, I've always felt that,” Ronald murmured, flushing. “Your father's son, and no mistake.” Mr. Grew leaned forward. “You're the son of as big a fool as yourself. And here he sits, Ronald Grew.” The young man's flush deepened to crimson; but Mr. Grew checked his reply with a decisive gesture. “Here he sits, with all your young nonsense still alive in him. Don't you see the likeness? If you don't, I'll tell you the story of those letters.” Ronald stared. “What do you mean? Don't they tell their own story?” “I supposed they did when I gave them to you; but you've given it a twist that needs straightening out.” Mr. Grew squared his elbows on the table, and looked at the young man across the gift-books and the dyed pampas gra**. “I wrote all the letters that Dolbrowski answered.” Ronald gave back his look in frowning perplexity. “You wrote them? I don't understand. His letters are all addressed to my mother.” “Yes. And he thought he was corresponding with her.” “But my mother—what did she think?” Mr. Grew hesitated, puckering his thick lids. “Well, I guess she kinder thought it was a joke. Your mother didn't think about things much.” Ronald continued to bend a puzzled frown on the question. “I don't understand,” he reiterated. Mr. Grew cleared his throat with a nervous laugh. “Well, I don't know as you ever will—quite. But this is the way it came about. I had a toughish time of it when I was young. Oh, I don't mean so much the fight I had to put up to make my way—there was always plenty of fight in me. But inside of myself it was kinder lonesome. And the outside didn't attract callers.” He laughed again, with an apologetic gesture toward his broad blinking face. “When I went round with the other young fellows I was always the forlorn hope—the one that had to eat the drumsticks and dance with the left-overs. As sure as there was a blighter at a picnic I had to swing her, and feed her, and drive her home. And all the time I was mad after all the things you've got—poetry and music and all the joy-forever business. So there were the pair of us—my face and my imagination—chained together, and fighting, and hating each other like poison. Then your mother came along and took pity on me. It sets up a gawky fellow to find a girl who ain't ashamed to be seen walking with him Sundays. And I was grateful to your mother, and we got along first-rate. Only I couldn't say things to her—and she couldn't answer. Well—one day, a few months after we were married, Dolbrowski came to New York, and the whole place went wild about him. I'd never heard any good music, but I'd always had an inkling of what it must be like, though I couldn't tell you to this day how I knew. Well, your mother read about him in the papers too, and she thought it'd be the swagger thing to go to New York and hear him play—so we went... I'll never forget that evening. Your mother wasn't easily stirred up—she never seemed to need to let off steam. But that night she seemed to understand the way I felt. And when we got back to the hotel she said suddenly: 'I'd like to tell him how I feel. I'd like to sit right down and write to him.' 'Would you?' I said. 'So would I.' “There was paper and pens there before us, and I pulled a sheet toward me, and began to write. 'Is this what you'd like to say to him?' I asked her when the letter was done. And she got pink and said: 'I don't understand it, but it's lovely.' And she copied it out and signed her name to it, and sent it.” Mr. Grew paused, and Ronald sat silent, with lowered eyes. “That's how it began; and that's where I thought it would end. But it didn't, because Dolbrowski answered. His first letter was dated January 10, 1872. I guess you'll find I'm correct. Well, I went back to hear him again, and I wrote him after the performance, and he answered again. And after that we kept it up for six months. Your mother always copied the letters and signed them. She seemed to think it was a kinder joke, and she was proud of his answering my letters. But she never went back to New York to hear him, though I saved up enough to give her the treat again. She was too lazy, and she let me go without her. I heard him three times in New York; and in the spring he came to Wingfield and played once at the Academy. Your mother was sick and couldn't go; so I went alone. After the performance I meant to get one of the directors to take me in to see him; but when the time came, I just went back home and wrote to him instead. And the month after, before he went back to Europe, he sent your mother a last little note, and that picture hanging up there...” Mr. Grew paused again, and both men lifted their eyes to the photograph. “Is that all?” Ronald slowly asked. “That's all—every bit of it,” said Mr. Grew. “And my mother—my mother never even spoke to Dolbrowski?” “Never. She never even saw him but that once in New York at his concert.” The blood crept again to Ronald's face. “Are you sure of that, sir?” he asked in a trembling voice. “Sure as I am that I'm sitting here. Why, she was too lazy to look at his letters after the first novelty wore off. She copied the answers just to humor me—but she always said she couldn't understand what we wrote.” “But how could you go on with such a correspondence? It's incredible!” Mr. Grew looked at his son thoughtfully. “I suppose it is, to you. You've only had to put out your hand and get the things I was starving for—music, and good talk, and ideas. Those letters gave me all that. You've read them, and you know that Dolbrowski was not only a great musician but a great man. There was nothing beautiful he didn't see, nothing fine he didn't feel. For six months I breathed his air, and I've lived on it ever since. Do you begin to understand a little now?” “Yes—a little. But why write in my mother's name? Why make it a sentimental correspondence?” Mr. Grew reddened to his bald temples. “Why, I tell you it began that way, as a kinder joke. And when I saw that the first letter pleased and interested him, I was afraid to tell him—I couldn't tell him. Do you suppose he'd gone on writing if he'd ever seen me, Ronny?” Ronald suddenly looked at him with new eyes. “But he must have thought your letters very beautiful—to go on as he did,” he broke out. “Well—I did my best,” said Mr. Grew modestly. Ronald pursued his idea. “Where are all your letters, I wonder? Weren't they returned to you at his d**h?” Mr. Grew laughed. “Lord, no. I guess he had trunks and trunks full of better ones. I guess Queens and Empresses wrote to him.” “I should have liked to see your letters,” the young man insisted. “Well, they weren't bad,” said Mr. Grew drily. “But I'll tell you one thing, Ronny,” he added suddenly. Ronald raised his head with a quick glance, and Mr. Grew continued: “I'll tell you where the best of those letters is—it's in you. If it hadn't been for that one look at life I couldn't have made you what you are. Oh, I know you've done a good deal of your own making—but I've been there behind you all the time. And you'll never know the work I've spared you and the time I've saved you. Fortune Dolbrowski helped me do that. I never saw things in little again after I'd looked at 'em with him. And I tried to give you the big view from the stars... So that's what became of my letters.” Mr. Grew paused, and for a long time Ronald sat motionless, his elbows on the table, his face dropped on his hands. Suddenly Mr. Grew's touch fell on his shoulder. “Look at here, Ronald Grew—do you want me to tell you how you're feeling at this minute? Just a mite let down, after all, at the idea that you ain't the romantic figure you'd got to think yourself... Well, that's natural enough, too; but I'll tell you what it proves. It proves you're my son right enough, if any more proof was needed. For it's just the kind of fool nonsense I used to feel at your age—and if there's anybody here to laugh at it's myself, and not you. And you can laugh at me just as much as you like...”