Don't Flop - Rikky Riley vs Shuffle-T lyrics

[Round 1: Shuffle-T] So I've got another old dude to battle But he is surely older His knees are really weak you see, he keeps on falling over His liver's ruptured, it's pretty f**ed and it's been performing slower So if he says he wants a piece of me it's because he needs an organ donor That teacher after school on a weekday swag Everything you own - TK Maxx In your Vauxhall Nova with the seat laid back 'Cos he's slipped more discs than a DJ has So since you're such a properly old prick Let's take it back to when you were a more commonly known kid 'Cos even then you were just a follower to Osh, Rikk But you were part of a duo with a comic approach, sh** Comic duo called Steve & Rikky, that's obviously noted The same names as the guys that got The Office to blow big And got popular so quick which got them on those gigs So this is like when Gervais split off into showbiz to follow his own sh** With his inconsistent comedy road trips 'Cos if you hear a hotline and the quality don't mix That's Steven's Merchant, he probably wrote it See someone needs to give this Scouser a hand Because I don't want to let the cat out of the bag But in Liverpool he's the weakest out of the clan He's either baby Oshea or the calcium man 'Cos you and Osh probably write your battles together as partners So you've got Oshea there, who's an actual technical grafter The bars he gives to you always gather hysterical laughter The bars you give to him are the bars where he looks at the camera and says 'Terrible' after And yet he's acting like he's k**ing these kid MCs, you sicken me Like everyone around you is in Little League, Rikky please Your sh**ty frees and similes make Ricky C's in Distinction, Leeds Look like Chrissy Lees' delivery versus Tricky P's best written scheme See you look like Mr Bean Crossed somehow with Austin Powers, f**ing man of mystery You promote the imagery that British people have sh**ty teeth Listen please, Listerine So you're f**ed if you're thinking Ricky's cool His style is still in middle school I know we're in your city's rule, but you'll get your innards ripped and pulled I roll them into little balls, go over and grip the chalk Throw them on the table and we can all play liver-snooker! [Round 1: Rikky Riley] So, he's mentioning me and Oshea and we both know that Oshea's best But Oshea's making a new album and he says I can be on it, so he says But we all know I'm really unlikely to cut it in terms of successfully battling Shuffle-T because I believe what his missus said that time he left the headboard slimed See after she'd recovered she stuck her head out of the covers and noted: 'You've come such a long way in such a short time' You'd get on better with her if the s** was good And if you didn't look exactly like the naughty one out of The Breakfast Club If you used a face trimmer, you'd be the spit of Ace Rimmer Your missus' ma**ive clit's probably the only time you've ever tasted a kipper Your horrible multi schemes are most definitely very sh** And they're more self-indulgent than the entire filmography of Kevin Smith It's not my job to tell you when to stop But if I had to hazard a guess, I'd say each of your verses is three stories too many, like sweat shops in Bangladesh You're sort of in love with the the most whorish of s*uts That can factually be said Plus it's true that she's had scores on her bum, she's quite sore in her c*nt 'Cos many a man has pa**ed her cash to perform s**ual acts Now that must torture you son, but here's a thought for you son Since her gash is expensive it's probably true that since performing with cum is her source of income ,that probably exempts her from the bedroom tax Now, this guy performs in Heads In Hats, which is some kind of comedy group, they're online, they do have fan I don't know which sketch I enjoyed more, the one that was a rip off of Nathan Barley or the ones that were a rip off of Bra**eye and Jam See if you want to so obviously rob the wit of Chris Morris Why not just drop into his office and nick a script from it - it'd be a bit more honest Plus it would probably be funny too, so er yeah, why not But the worst thing about you Adam, is when you kick a footy lad, your shoe flies off [Round 2: Shuffle-T] We're in Liverpool, so you might be winning with the crowd But what does it matter when you have your lyrics written on your hands? See you're past it, mate 'Cos you went far away Heard Don't Flop was hitting the larger stage and thought you'd come back stab for a part of fame, claiming out loud that he's got bars for days Well we don't want you back, you're past your stay My fist's about to hit into it's target same [?] blood on this ba*tard's face But believe that it will son when you get Castaway 'Cos you're rapping is basic at it's peak And always about some weird masturbation fantasy I want you to be made an amputee so you can maybe have a week off of your daily wa*king spree Before it leads to your d**h like the famous hanging scene of David Carradine This ugly guy is a shredded mess You remind me of that weird uncle I could never get When I saw the way this uninspired fella's dressed The f**ing line that comes to mind is uninvited wedding guest And pretty soon, you're gonna find you're second best to the other guy who pens his text And soon he will have cut his ties and headed West and you'll f**ing die a depressive mess But you battled for Pete Cashmore To fight depression, to find a cure for those emotions, and you're the f**ing spokesman? And the f**ing awful stuff you'd spoken, that was more of a promotion? So take advice and lessons You should change your style of presence Your bars are sweet, they'll harm your teeth and make you diabetic I'll slay this guy so say goodbye to the place you'll die your d**h in 'Cos this was 3-0 after the second hit like I aced you twice in tennis 'Cos real talk, the only way that you could win around Is if you do that sh** again and get your ukulele out I mean he got out a ukulele in a rap battle, and called that a cla**ic match Yeah, Rikk Riley we are glad to have you back See that's why I thought you'd be hard to beat 'Cos you sway the voters round But that's not artistry, your path is weak I'll explain it open now He'll make you laugh with these retarded frees It's the way he's broken down But regardlessly, you play cards with me I take the Jokers out b**h, time [Round 2: Rikky Riley] Now, hello Let's get down to bra** tax, like prostitution strategies This guy has studied Film and I wonder why that'd be You probably learned from Stephen Spielberg that plagiarism's the best form of flattery And then probably picked up some grooming tips off of Roman Polansky But what can I say, what about me, I could have been a contender, instead of a bum, which is what I am But, yes you had me at hello buy frankly my dead I don't give a damn It's like your mama always said: 'Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you gunna get' So I made her an offer she couldn't refuse, now here's looking at you kid I am your father If you didn't get those film references then you must have your head in the clouds like Simba's dad The chances of you coming up with anything original are about as likely as Nelson Mandela giving a Christmas wa*k to English Frank So I don't know if I mentioned The Bible before I'm sorry for suggesting there's a bit of scripture you're in Adam, we all know in Genesis you couldn't even come up with an original sin Your mother paid far too much for her loft conversion And she didn't even bring it up after because she didn't want to upset the workmen You can come up with all this sh** about my f**ing sh** bars But I'm really not arsed You're not so much Nicki Minaj as you are Nigel Farage Oh yeah, fresh out of Berkshire Oh my those turbulent streets full of fox hunters and safe Conservative seats We all know which way you probably cast your vote The only time you probably ever choked was the time you found out Thatcher had that ma**ive stroke I know you were trying to hope that she was on the mend But isn't your hairstyle from the first series of Friends Now it's time for me to end and I do want to finish with congratulating you on all your battles, and each one you've won But will it ever really make up for that time you called your teacher mum? [Round 3: Shuffle-T] Now though your bars are lacking miserably You make up for that with your heart attack delivery What are you laughing at? Seriously, just calm it down - you're k**ing me Nah far from that, I'm kidding see You've got Mars Attack delivery Starter pack delivery Seen you swagging like Neil Buchanon, you've got Art Attack delivery 'Cos your rhythm is f**ed, he kind of goes for the quick bits And slows really quickly like your flow is encrypted And I thought he'd call me posh, but you're middle-cla** Scouse, didn't know they existed And most of his limericks just don't make sense That just shows you were sniffing hits of c**aine gets And although you envision him a home-made vet In my home we consider him as Oshea's pet See this is devastation, if I win this it's expected, I'll have a drink and never say sh** If he wins this, he'll probably f**ing sniff his medication Thank all his co-writers for their sk** and dedication Grab hold of Oshea's dick in celebration And put it up himself like a Christmas decoration Now I know what you're thinking, 'Why is The Undertaker beefing?' But if you think Shuffle's faking, suffocation, f**ing take his breathing I'm Southern mate, believe it You're North, let's take that to some other region What's a Summer's day in Giza to a Hurricane Katrina See my knuckles break his teeth like an unbuckled baby seat Without the f**ing safety features I will break his face to pieces 'Cos this prick is pretty picky See I had to visit Rikky's city to battle a war But of all the cities I was actually glad it was yours 'Cos now at least when I beat you down to the floor You can use the round of applause from the crowd of support I'll win this throw down regardless of hometown advantage So let's address the rest of his character flaws Like that dangling jaw From the c**aine and all of the crap that you snort f**ing drags to the floor like an anchor that's dragging you back to the shore When you travel abroad, that is deformed And all of that coke's got him living a lie like his religion is Scientology 'Cos he's big when he's high but when he's missing the white it's like they hit him with nine lobotomies See he's in a disguise, he's really different inside, you know he's timid and quiet, honestly So sniffing the white exposes the clit that you hid, see you're witnessing gynecology So if I signal it's time and the decision is mine, well then that's simple that's fine, it's honesty But deliberately lying, go and give it to [?], you'll be listening to my apology If you're thinking this guy is really winning tonight, then this is a silent robbery That's a victim-less crime until I'm k**ing this guy, for stealing from private property Time [Round 3: Rikky Riley] Alright, you're talking about hometown advantage, well let's sort that out right now mate Everybody, I think Manchester's a wonderful place Now, if David Duchovny got a baby with Rodney Trotter by combining their genes through some third party surrogate If that baby was brought up to be smug it'd probably grow up to be exactly the same as Shuffle-T Oh man, what about your f**ing bird man, she is f**ing disgusting She is such a hipster slag, when she goes on cam with fifty lads she insists they tint the jizz on Instagram I will roll your back up tight like a f**ing amonyte You've probably never even had a fight, have you you bag of sh**e? Well nor have I, so what you f**ing That cherite Have you ever f**ing ran a night? Put all sorts of tracks online? Formed your own battle style that's not just jacking mine? See, how can you have good comic delivery but when your whole persona is just a ma**ive lie Everyone knows that I've been that eccentric guy on Don't Flop since when it was on in Black and White I've been smashing mics at battle nights in so far back in time That I've actually had to battle knights Here's an example of what that was like Thou art a blaggard, sir Thou art a blaggard, sir Thy varicose visage is the most irksome in all of Chichester village Thy missed the scripts from britches to stitchless in literally minutes Lugubrious labia line the length of thy trachea And yet, between my armoury and thine ancestry, I cannot discern the rapier And your companions doth churlishly swagger But we all know Marlo met his end at the tip of a dagger So I would there were a plague upon both your houses And should thou escape from this home of scousers Then take up arms againsteth me As thou mother takes an arm up her wretched seam As thou father presents his arse to thee And begs thou commenceth archery So welcome, to this Liver Port As thou bird invites all to ride her form And if you are unhappy then strike me for I fear no man And that, you thieving ba*tard is how you go HAM