1. I CAN'T FORGET THE NIGHT WE MET YOU WERE SUCH A HUNK YOU TOOK ME TO YOUR UNCLE'S CAMP AND WE GOT REALLY DRUNK I ASKED YOU FOR SOME FOREPLAY YOU WENT AND GOT THE CARDS YOU SAID LETS PLAY 15-2 THAT FOREPLAY SOUNDS TOO HARD 2. I DRAGGED YOU TO THE SAUNA I TRIED TO PRIME YOUR PUMP YOU PASSED OUT UPON THE BENCH AND LAID THERE LIKE A STUMP I BEAT YOU WITH SOME CEDAR BOUGHS I TRIED TO GET YOU HOT YOU GOT ALL EXCITED AND WENT OFF LIKE A SHOT CHORUS: I'M MARRIED TO A COUCH DAT BURPS AND TALKS TO THE TV THE LAST TIME YOU TOOK ME OUT WAS 1963 SHOULDA LISTENED TO MY MA AND MARRIED SOME OLD FART ONE WITH LOTS OF MONEY AND TROUBLE WITH HIS HEART 3. I WENT TO DR. TOBIN CAUSE I WAS GAINING WEIGHT HE SAID I SHOULD HAVE CROSSED MY LEGS CAUSE I WAS THREE MONTHS LATE IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN THOSE MAKI BOYS FROM DOWN IN ISHPEMING THEY DIDN'T TAKE NO CHANCES THEY USED THOSE RUBBER THINGS 4. YOU WENT DOWN TO GREEN BAY WITH YOUR BUDDY BOB ALL YOU DID WAS GUZZLE BEER AND DIDN'T FIND A JOB I COULDN'T WAIT TILL YOU GOT HOME YOU HAD TO MARRY ME NOW I'M MARRIED TO A COUCH DAT BURPS AND TALKS TO THE TV (REPEAT CHORUS)