Christine Lavin - Shopping Cart Love: The Play lyrics

ACT ONE The note said "Darling... I hate to tell you this way But I've run off with your Roommate Signed - Your Fiancée" I sat down and cried What else could I do? That's when I noticed that my Car Keys were missing too And so was my favorite sweater And my TV And My Stereo! My whole life crumbled before my eyes Where was I to go? I ran to the Supermarket In a blinding rage Craving foods I have not touched since I was Twelve years of age 'Cuz not only did my man run out today My boss let me go I have been depressed before But never quite this low Yes I guess I've been depressed But ever this low? NO! And I ran up and down the aisles of the supermarket Crying and shaking and pulling things off the shelves Based solely on their carbohydrate, calorie and cholesterol count I didn't go overboard Just enough to get me through the night So I threw my purchases down on the conveyor belt They rolled up to the checkout girl She looked at them She looked at me And she said... Hey Lady can't you read? The sign here says express I'll check you out if you have got Ten items or less But you've got 2 4 6 8 9 10 11 12 13 things right here If you want me to check you through Put three things back my dear Well NO! I said defiantly Trying not to shake Then she said "Sweetheart, you don't need those Hostess Twinkies, You don't need that Coffee Cake And why those Famous Amos cookies Let me tell you they're grossly overpriced Put three things back Those are the rules I'm asking you real nice" But I just couldn't so she said "Ok well then, put back those Frozen Pizza's Or that box of Pudding on a Stick Why just looking at all these calories Makes my stomach want to flip" But I refused to back down She refused to check me through The line behind me was growing longer And angrier too The line behind me was growing longer There was pushing and shoving and cursing and swearing too Look I'm not trying to make trouble I said to her But I'm having the worse kind of day See today I lost my job, my car, my TV, my Stereo My favorite sweater, my roommate, not to mention my Fiancée But she shook her head and shouted "Three things have GOT TO GO - Those are the Rules" Oh please please please I begged She bellowed "NO" Please please please please please please please I begged But she said "NO" And she was enjoying the power trip of it all Because then all the Cashiers In Solidarity shut down The sudden empty silence Was an eerie spooky sound And all the customers started screaming Especially those with Frozen Foods The manager came running He was in an ugly mood Yes the manager came running He was ugly So was his mood Well now I tried explaining to him my situation about my Job My Fiancée, My Car but he didn't give me half a chance he just said... Who the Hell do you Think you are? My whole store is paralyzed all on account of you Now Manhattan is going hungry Because you won't follow rules Yes Manhattan is gonna starve tonight Because of stupid, selfish, solipsistic you I didn't know what that meant either. I didn't know Why he was using such a big word on me but it was because he Really hated his job as Store Manager. He would just sit in the Back room every day, reading the dictionary and then taking the "It pays to increase your word power" test in Readers Digest Magazine.This has nothing to do with the song but since it's A play I did a little character development Well I know by now I must have looked pitiful Tears were streaming down my face He was not moved He did not think mine was a special case So he grabbed me And he dragged me As as I was sobbing toward the door When a soft voice whispered "I've got seven items, I'll take three of yours" Gasp Well I turned And I looked at The handsomest man I've ever seen Golden Hair, Tweed Suit, a bow tie Eyes the bluest green Well the checkout girl was furious But what else could she do? She checked both our items And he said "Let me carry them for you" Ya She checked all of our items He even paid for mine too He did. And he carried them up to my apartment And he put them down on my table (well he put them Down on the ironing board that I use as my table) And he looked around my apartment and he said "You look like the kind of woman who shouldn't be having Dinner by herself tonight" which I think was his way of saying "You look like you can't cook!" But I let that go by And he said "Please, allow me to take you out for dinner tonight I would like to take you out to the Quilted Giraffe And I thought to myself "Quilted Giraffe! That's the most expensive Restaurant in New York City! Why would he want to take me there?" So I said to him "Why are you being so nice to me? I don't even Know you. I'm having such a terrible day!" and he said "Well I've got to do something to cheer myself up. You say today, I lost My job and when I came home from work, I found a note stuck to My refrigerator from my Fiancée and she had run off with somebody Else". And I said "Are you kidding? The same thing happened To me!" and he said "Yes - I'm kidding!"I am so gullible it Makes me so mad sometimes... But he did make me laugh. So I thought "Okay - I'll go out and have Dinner with him. I'll eat that food I can't pronounce. I'll drink That expensive wine. It was an incredible meal. It was the kind Of meal you read about in Cosmopolitan Magazine. And it totally Totally changed my life. Though, some things are still the same... I still do my grocery shopping In that same grocery store But you won't find me standing in the Express Line anymore Because I no longer shop for one I shop for two you see And today my doctor tells me I'm shopping for three Yes today I get the good word I'm shopping for three Now... technically the song could be over here, but there's a couple Of loose ends and since this is a play, I've written another act! ACT TWO Well my roommate and my fiancée Remember them? They stole my car? Well my car broke down that night And in a blinding thunderstorm they hitchhiked back And they had a terrible fight They did not see that '68 Chevy Come speeding around the curve And who was that behind the wheel? That nasty checkout girl I know you're thinking "What an unbelievable coincidence"! But guess who was sitting next to her? Her fiancée! The store Manager. And what were they doing? They were having a Terrible fight. It was like an epidemic that night See, he was furious with her because she wouldn't check Through the woman with the thirteen items and paralyzed the Store. And she was so mad at him, because he let the guy with The bow tie pay for the thirteen items and they both got out of The store and escaped. She thought they should have been arrested And then executed in front of a firing squad. And when he didn't Agree. She knew that they were incompatible and she was just Inconsolable. And she was gonna drive her car right into those Two strangers, which happen to be my roommate and my fiancée Standing in the blinding thunderstorm. All four of them were Gonna die in a fiery wreck. She was gonna drive the Chevy off The levy but the levy was wet In truth, that's how I would have ended this song in my younger More unsophisticated days but it's time for a kinder, a gentler Ending Well the checkout girl slammed on the brakes Stopped in time She offered them a ride My fiancée fell in love with her The store manager made my roommate his bride And now she works stocking kitty litter In the cat food aisle When I see her on my shopping sprees I flash my sweetest smile "Hi... Ya the Quilted Giraffe AGAIN last night... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...." Well the moral of this story Is one can never tell What could be in store for you On your local grocery shelf And sometimes you've got to break the rules If someone breaks your heart And if you're lucky Love might fall into your shopping cart!