Barry James - Master Of The House lyrics

[DRINKERS/DINERS] Come on you old pest Fetch a bottle of your best What's the nectar of the day [THENARDIER] Here, try this lot Guaranteed to hit the spot Or I'm not Thenardier [DRINKERS/DINERS] Gissa gla** a' rum Landlord, over here! [THENARDIER (to himself, then out loud)] Right away, you scum Right away, m'sieur [DRINKERS/DINERS] God this place has gone to hell So you tell me every year Mine host Thenardier He was there so they say At the field of Waterloo Got there, it's true When the fight was all through But he knew just what to do Crawling through the mud, so I've heard it said Picking through the pockets of the English dead He made a tidy score From the spoils of war [THENARDIER] My band of soaks My den of dissolutes My dirty jokes My always pissed-as-newts My sons of who*es Spend their lives in my inn Homing pigeons homing in They fly through my doors And their money's good as yours [DRINKERS/DINERS] Ain't got a clue What he put in this stew Must have scraped it off the street God, what a wine! Chateau Neuf de Turpentine Must have pressed it with his feet Landlord, over here Where's the bloody man One more for the road One more slug o' gin Just one more Or my old man is gonna do me in [THENARDIER (greeting a new customer)] Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down And meet the best innkeeper in town As for the rest, all of 'em crooks Rooking their guests and cooking the books Seldom do you see Honest men like me A gent of good intent Who's content to be Master of the house, doling out the charm Ready with a handshake and an open palm Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir Customers appreciate a bon-viveur Glad to do a friend a favor, doesn't cost me to be nice But nothing gets you nothing, everything has got a little price! Master of the house, keeper of the zoo Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two Watering the wine, making up the weight Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight Everybody loves a landlord Everybody's bosom friend I do whatever pleases Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end! [DRINKERS/DINERS/THENARDIER] Master of the house, quick to catch your eye Never wants a pa**erby to pa** him by Servant to the poor, butler to the great Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate! Everybody's boon companion Everybody's chaperone [THENARDIER] But lock up your valises Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone! [Thenardier greets another customer and takes his bag.] Enter Monsieur, lay down your load Unlace your boots, rest from the road This weighs a ton, travel's a curse But here we strive to lighten your purse Here the goose is cooked Here the fat is fried And nothing's overlooked Till I'm satisfied Food beyond compare, food beyond belief Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat Filling up the sausages with this and that Residents are more than welcome, bridal suite is occupied Reasonable charges plus some little extras on the side Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice Two percent for looking in the mirror twice Here a little slice, there a little cut Three percent for sleeping with the window shut When it comes to fixing prices There are a lot of tricks he knows How it all increases All those bits and pieces Jesus, It's amazing how it grows [DRINKERS/DINERS/THENARDIER] Master of the house, quick to catch your eye Never wants a pa**erby to pa** him by Servant to the poor butler to the great Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate Everybody's boon companion Gives 'em everything he's got [THENARDIER] Dirty bunch of geezers Jesus, what a sorry little lot [MADAME THENARDIER] I used to dream that I would meet a prince But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since? Master of the house? Isn't worth me spit! 'Comforter, philosopher,' and lifelong sh** Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire Thinks he's quite a lover, but there's not much there What a cruel trick of nature Landed me with such a louse God knows how I've lasted Living with this ba*tard in the house [DRINKERS/DINERS/THENARDIER] Master of the house [MADAME THENARDIER] Master and a half [DRINKERS/DINERS/THENARDIER] Comforter, philosopher [MADAME THENARDIER] Don't make me laugh [DRINKERS/DINERS/THENARDIER] Servant to the poor, butler to the great [MADAME THENARDIER] Hypocrite and toady and inebriate [DRINKERS/DINERS/THENARDIER] Everybody bless the landlord Everybody bless his spouse [THENARDIER] Everybody raise a gla** [MADAME THENARDIER] Raise it up the master's a** [ALL] Everybody raise a gla** to the master of the house