Baba Brinkman - Wife of Bath lyrics

Once upon a time quite long ago When King Arthur was in charge of the round table Yeah, that's right, you heard me – just listen It's a hip-hop rendition of an Arthurian legend And the early religion at that time that time was pagan They had elves and fairies and dragons And tree spirits, and those sorts of things According to old books: Lord of the Rings And the bible; I know, they're just metaphorical Allegorical instead of historical Sorry folks, but this isn't your show I decide how the story is told And besides, nowadays the fairies have vanished Banished just ‘cause some of us aren't very imaginative Fairy-k**ers are known by various adjectives Skeptics, atheists, rationalists Anyway, maybe the change was all good ‘Cause in those days, a woman couldn't walk in the woods And feel safe, without being chased by an incubus Ew! Or some other beast tryin' to cling to us So maybe the spirit world's d**h was worth it Now that s** abuse is mainly just in churches And other places of worship – women have it better now Disrespect us and you'll never live it down But back to the lecture at hand One of King Arthur's knights was a strapping young man Who went out hawkin' with his peregrine falcon One day, and met a young girl out walkin' And instead of playing a chivalrous gentleman's game He took her virginity while she protested in vain Shame! A sympathetic delegation Pressured King Arthur to condemn the filthy rapist In the girl's name, and the King said, “Yes Off with his head!” and sent him to his d**h But the queen, Guinevere, and the other women there Persuaded him, that was just a bit severe They figured rehabilitative justice was the best solution Instead of retribution So King Arthur gave him to the Queen, to maim, k** or save him She was supreme as Elena Kagan Crossed with Kiera Knightly; Guinevere was rightly Appointed to judge the tearful knight's pleas She said, “Hmm, I'm lookin' at a dead man Unless you can answer one simple question Tell me what women want – answer truthfully Don't try to get it from a Mel Gibson movie Or a sleazy pick-up artist's book You have one year to give this riddle your hardest look And then we'll see what people think, is he right? Or is he just the weakest link? Goodbye!” The knight was terrified; he started traveling The land, asking random people for their advice Hoping to find some kind of clear answer But he could barely find a pair of matched words Disaster! They all said something different Some said, “Women just wanna be respected” Other said “We want a family, a sense of security Necklace, bracelets, and all other types of j**elry” And some said “Women just want simple happiness” Or “Hot s** to express our inner nastiness” And some said, “Nah, you gotta flatter chicks, personally” I admit, that does tend to work for me! Others said, “We want danger; we might not admit it But we're on for the chase and we want ‘em to come and get us Plus we love a young thug that's overflowin' with swag And keeps his woman all draped in new Louis Vuitton bags! I know what them girls! I know! I know what them girls like! Anyway, the end of the year finally came And the knight had no idea what he was gonna say To the Queen; I mean, he was really desperate As he headed back to the castle to accept his fate And get his neck split, but along the way The knight happened to pa** through a dark forest glade And he saw a circle of beautiful dancing girls They giggled and played and laughed and twirled And then… poof! The dancers vanished And instead he saw the oldest woman on the planet She was foul, her body shriveled and tiny Her clothes ripped and grimy; he figured mid-nineties She said: “Ooh, tell me, why so sad? I'll try to give you some wise advice if I can!” And the knight collapsed at her feet and begged her “Please! Advice, that's exactly what I need! Unless I can tell the queen what women want She's gonna k** me – listen, if you help me I can make you wealthy!” And she said: “Okay then But can I have anything I ask as payment?” “Anything I have, take it!” He replied And she said: “Alright, I'll keep you alive” And she whispered a secret in his ear and escorted him in To report it to the court women Now, so many women had a**embled to hear What the knight was gonna say at the end of his year That the place was at capacity, widows and spinsters Teenagers, wives, and old women with dentures The Queen was on high, ready to pa** judgment With guards standing by to take his a** to the dungeon The knight stood in front of them; he cleared his throat And said in a manly voice: “Okay, here we go Here's what women desire most: sovereignty Never submission, only dominancy And especially over men, over husbands and lovers That's what women want; you want to live above us! You don't have to make every decision, but you always Have to make the decision whether to make the decision So, what's it gonna be? Is there any woman here who really doesn't agree?” Unanimous agreement – the knight had it! Even women who like women said he was right, on average The only people who disagreed with everybody Were the ones whose college major was in “Gender Studies” ‘Cause they didn't think “gender” was a natural category… Anyway, back to the story The Queen was in agreement and just about to release him When that same old lady he met earlier that evening Shouted: “Wait! First I wanna speak! I taught him that secret, and he promised me Anything I wanted, well here's my request Marry me, baby, and take me to bed!” “I did promise,” said the knight “I admit it “But please, just choose something different! Take everything I own; take my money, my home Anything you want, just leave my body alone!” And the old crone said, “Aw, so sweet! But money is something I'm too old to need I just want you to hold me, baby; caress me Touch me all over and make me feel s**y!” He tried to negotiate, but there was no escape They were married the very next day And after the vows, it was straight in the bedroom The knight was crying, his ancient wife lying next to him Smiling, like: “Honey, I need some attention! Why are you curled up in the fetal position? Is this how all of King Arthur's Knights act When they bring a new wife back for their first night in the sack? I saved your life; why would you take offense? Just tell me what's wrong, and I'll try to make amends” “Amends?!?” said the knight, “You disgusting creature You're about as s**y as Mother Theresa! You're low cla**, you're old, and you're hideous too I'd rather be dead than stuck in bed with you!” And she said, “Aw, is that really all it is? You don't like me ‘cause I'm old and ugly and not rich? Well, just listen to what I have to say We'll see if it's really impossible to convince a man to change First of all, cla**? Really? You bring up cla**ism? Everyone knows that's an anachronism Except in India, where they still have a caste system And in Britain, where it's their accents that restrict them But everywhere else people know, the only inheritance You get from rich parents is arrogance You can get money from them, but not wisdom You're suffering from rich-person-autism: ‘Rot-ism' It's a disease, a lack of social sk**s That comes from never having struggled to float the bills Too much caviar, c**aine, and canapés No humility; most of humanity can't relate Now, if your parents were charismatic, that might impress me If your dad was Martin Luther King, or John F Kennedy? Maybe you could say: ‘My genes were my best gifts' But no one cares if your parents were just rich! They care about your choices, and the good works you do Those are the only true sources of virtue And if I'm old and ugly, well look on the bright side You never have to worry about what I'm up to at nighttime Other men live in fear of their wives cheating on them But that's only a problem because other people want them But I know how to make you happy – you choose You could have me young and beautiful, with huge b**bs And Scarlett Johansson hourgla** curves I could make this happen with a couple of magic words But if you choose a young beautiful wife Then other men will come and try to seduce me at night And I just might, ‘cause I'll be young and playful Or you could have me this age, and faithful!” And the knight sighed and said, “I… Think I need to let my wise wife decide Whichever you prefer, I'll accept it” And the old woman asked him one final question Like: “Does that mean I'm in charge? Let's be clear!” And knight said the magic words: “Yes dear” And she said, “That was the right answer Any man who accepts his wife as his master Will have both beauty and fidelity (As far he knows) and that's what you'll get from me!” And poof! She changed into Scarlett Johannson's twin And the knight was bathed in a bath of bliss And he kissed her a thousand times, and that's how they lived For the rest of their lives, faithful and pa**ionate And that's the end Now my story is spoken Now ladies, let us pray Let us pray for husbands easily broken Let us pray for men of courage and compa**ion, men of sk** And wisdom, the wisdom to bend to women's will Let us pray for men with girth and length Men with talent and rhythm, men with hand strength And let us especially pray for the tragic men Who lack the common sense to recognize the fact Of natural female dominance Let them repent, or be taken by pestilence And let women never, ever Ever have s** with them Amen