Aziz Ansari - Sheets lyrics

I was getting some sheets down at Bed, Bath and Beyond…MAN they got so Many sheets! I was looking around and I saw this guy and he didn't know what to buy And he and looked all confused and he looks over at me and said “Man, this is why I need a girlfriend.” And I was like, really, this is why you need a girlfriend? So if you had a girlfriend, you wouldn't even BE HERE! You'd be back At your house sitting on a lazy boy drinking a beer going “b**h, go get me some sheets”! Ya, I'm in a relationship now. I don't have to buy my own domestic Goods, pick up one of those pots that we can put sticks in and make The whole room smell like vanilla bean. I've been fartin all day, it Smells like sh*t in here! Now, all I know about sheets is, the higher the thread count the Better the sheet, right? This lady's like right, ya, I got 700 back at my house it's like Sleepin in lotion So I'm lookin around tryin to find some nice sheets, I see this brand Called “Hotel Luxury Linens”, 600 thread count and it sounds fancy Too, right? You gotta girl back at your place. She's all “Oh my God. Did we just Teleport to a 5 Star hotel”? Nah baby these are just “Hotel Luxury Linens”. By the way the Technology for teleportation doesn't exist yet. You must be kinda Stupid! So I grab the sheets and I get em home and I'm psyched to put em on my Bed, right? And I feel em and they feel a little rough to the touch. I get a Little suspicious. I do a little googling. I find an investigative Report in Southern Living Magazine where they investigated thread Count claims An issue that definitely needed delving into And they had a little chart and they said brand. Advertised threat Count-actual thread count So its like Brand “Warm Suitor” advertised 500, actual 497 Brand, “Soft Sheets” advertised 600, actual 600 Brand, “Hotel Luxury Linens” advertised 600, actual 296!!! Are you sh**tin me man! I almost slept on that sh*t!!! 296 is sand paper as far as I'm concerned If that was a drug deal, I woulda shot “Hotel Luxury Linens” in the face! Where's the rest of my threads? (gun shot) You didn't think I was gonna count that sh** muthaf**er!?!