Aziz Ansari - Craigslist lyrics

Clap if you use Craigslist. (claps from crowd) Hold on a second, I'm not talking about “I'm looking for an apartment” Craigslist though. I'm talking about “You give me a hand job, I'll give you my coffee table”, like that kind of Craigslist. That's Craigslist. I saw a post like that once where this guy was trying to sell concert tickets and this is what he posted up there, he goes: “Willing to give up two tickets to the sold out show tonight, must be female age twenty to twenty-five and be willing to perform oral s** for a half hour in my car. Must remove shirt and bra. Your friend can be there for security.” Now that guy's insane and I can tell because he put that phrase in there “must remove shirt and bra” because that implies he's done that in the past and the girl's like, “hold on you didn't say anything about my shirt and bra coming off” and he's like, “damn I gotta put that in the ad next time, I wanna see some titties!” And then he acts like he's throwing you a bone by putting that phrase in there, “Your friend can be there for security.” Really? Well that's going to be a tough favor to ask for. (puts hand up to ear like talking on the phone as a woman to a friend) (in a woman's voice) “Hey Denise, yeah it's me Carol, let me ask you something. You ever done any security work before? Well it's nothing too crazy but I'm gonna be blowing this guy for a half hour in his car and I just need you to sit in the backseat and make sure he doesn't do anything sketchy. By the way, you mind holding my shirt and bra? Those are gonna be off.” Now I went to that concert and I bought tickets in advance and I got there and you know what I saw? They were selling extra tickets at the door! (yelling) Selling extra tickets at the door! Could you imagine blowing a guy for a half hour for sold out concert tickets and then finding out they're selling them at the door? That'd be like blowing a guy for a half hour for sold out concert tickets and then finding out they're selling them at the door. There's no other way to complete that an*logy because that's the sh**tiest thing that could ever happen to you.